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I am under no delusion that I'm going to even come close to the level of constant journaling I did back in 2002-2005. I still want to at least "stick" with this, though. It feels more... hmm... "genuine" than modern social media, which seems to be all memes.
So how am I doing? Here's a rundown, I guess, since I feel kinda alien even to myself these days.
Well, I guess that's it for now. Take care, anyone who happened to stumble on this journal. With luck, I'll return in a day or two.
So how am I doing? Here's a rundown, I guess, since I feel kinda alien even to myself these days.
- Tony in 2023:
- In November 2022, I got the urge to finish watching Kimagure Orange Road again, which I started in 2019. Doing so unlocked the floodgates of nostalgia, and I have been watching anime again, ever since. 80-90% is old stuff (dating back at least 20 years, and some even goes back 40 years). A list of series includes:
- Super Dimension Fortress Macross TV (1982)/Do You Remember Love? Movie (1984)
- Oh My Goddess! OVA (1993)/ Ah! My Goddess Movie (2000)
- Bakuretsu (Sorcerer) Hunters (1995)
- Urusei Yatsura (1981)
- Tenchi Muyo (1992)/Tenchi Universe (1995)/Movies 1 and 3 (1996 & 1999)
- Ranma 1/2 TV (1989)
- Sailor Moon (1993)
- Neon Genesis Evangelion (through End of Evangelion movie) (1995)
- Slayers (1995)
- ..and many more (Spy x Family is a favorite from this decade, at least :) ).
- In November 2022, I also finally sat down and listened to a song by Babymetal (specifically, a live video where they performed a cover medley of Painkiller/Breaking the Law with Rob Halford). I was struck by just how much fun it was to listen to them. I would later describe Babymetal's music as "where my love of anime, Jpop, and metal intersects". I'm going to see them in Nashville in September. Alone. I'm totally excited and scared out of my mind. :)
- I've been listening to a lot less metal over all this year. I still like metal, but it doesn't quite hit me the same as it used to. I guess that's okay, but it's certainly not what I expected. I'm sure that someone better-versed in trauma responses will make an observation about not "Needing" it anymore, since a lot that used to cause me turmoil is no longer a thing (though I still have plenty of issues).
- I got Covid-19 in January, and wound up having to go to the emergency room as a result, since I couldn't breathe. While there, I learned I had Atrial Fibrillation (Afib), Heart Failure, and Diabetes Type II. I quit vaping, and began studiously tracking my food intake to keep my sodium and carbohydrates within reasonable parameters. I also finally found a primary care doctor, and began trying to take care of myself. As of July 2023, my A1C is down to 5.2 from January's 10.7, my heart ejection fraction is back to normal, and I've lost literally 100 lbs. I'm not done, yet, but the progress makes me happy.
- I lost my job of 2 years, but was rehired by the company that I worked for from 5 years ago until 2 years ago (gotta love corporate shuffling). I will withhold excitement for when I see a paycheck stub, but it looks like I'm making more money.
- My father passed away on June 6, at 83 years old. I'm going to miss the old man, and I wish I had taken more time to talk to him, but there was no animosity -- I think we both realized that I had turned out like him after all.
- I have lost a lot of my desire to play RPGs. Much like metal, it just doesn't grab me like it once did. I still like reading about games, and I love watching documentaries about the history of the game. The Secrets of Blackmoor is rather good.
Well, I guess that's it for now. Take care, anyone who happened to stumble on this journal. With luck, I'll return in a day or two.
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So, here I am, again.
I was struck by a monumental wave of nostalgia this evening, and the rabbit hole it invariably created ultimately led to Dreamwidth, my migrated LJ, a bunch of music that I listened to regularly some twenty years ago, and a page that showed that Semagic is working for Dreamwidth again.
I don't anticipate anyone reading these entries, because social media in its current state is all the rage. So this is for me, first and foremost, but I won't yell at anyone who peeks in on what shows up here from time to time.
I was struck by a monumental wave of nostalgia this evening, and the rabbit hole it invariably created ultimately led to Dreamwidth, my migrated LJ, a bunch of music that I listened to regularly some twenty years ago, and a page that showed that Semagic is working for Dreamwidth again.
I don't anticipate anyone reading these entries, because social media in its current state is all the rage. So this is for me, first and foremost, but I won't yell at anyone who peeks in on what shows up here from time to time.
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...work, that is.
I spent the whole day formatting a Word Template Document, so that I will have a proper, pretty-with-pictures-and-two-columns-and-details on the game I'm going to run when my current "fun" game concludes. There's a fancy cover, and the template is helping me keep it looking like an actual 5e PDF release (which, obviously, I'll convert to PDF when I'm done).
But.. I have to go to bed, because I have to go to work tomorrow, and I think I have to figure out something creative for lunch, since my grocery order wasn't completed tonight. (They called 5 minutes before I was supposed to pick it up, to say they were still pulling it, and that it should be ready around 630, and that they'd call back. They never did.)
I spent the whole day formatting a Word Template Document, so that I will have a proper, pretty-with-pictures-and-two-columns-and-details on the game I'm going to run when my current "fun" game concludes. There's a fancy cover, and the template is helping me keep it looking like an actual 5e PDF release (which, obviously, I'll convert to PDF when I'm done).
But.. I have to go to bed, because I have to go to work tomorrow, and I think I have to figure out something creative for lunch, since my grocery order wasn't completed tonight. (They called 5 minutes before I was supposed to pick it up, to say they were still pulling it, and that it should be ready around 630, and that they'd call back. They never did.)
I can't tell you how much fun I'm having, working on this "House Rules and Campaign Guide". There's no rush to get it done, since we aren't going to start anytime real soon, and I'm taking my time going over the material, to ensure that I'm providing the largest pool of potential races, backgrounds, and classes/subclasses I can, while keeping within my "old school" comfort zone. Heh, honestly, I threw that out. This setting includes CENTAURS, GHOULS, HALF-VAMPIRES, and TROLLS as possible races (but notes they are NOT dominant in population density).
Don't tell Krissie, but I even found a writeup for... a hedgehog-folk. I vetoed that, mainly because I know I'd lose Krissie forever. She is over the moon playing a pixie in my current game as it is. (I also vetoed the centaurs.. I mean, technically medium, but I just don't see that ending well. The ghouls and dhampir, however, remain available.)
Anyway, I wanted to talk, so I did. This is what I used to do, back in the day, except I have a better working knowledge of Photoshop, Excel, and Word, so the things I can do are just downright damned awesome. :)
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Well, I finished 14 days of quarantine related to getting tested for Covid-19, but I still haven't gotten my results back. It's irritating, but apparently Shelby County is so overwhelmed with testing, they said, "if you've been out for 14 days and don't have symptoms, tell your boss we said you can go back to work." Yep, that's basically a thing. SIGH
Still, it is nice to get out of the house, even if only to work. I am not particularly THRILLED at being there, but I figure that's predominantly because I was used to not doing jack shit. :) And hey, tomorrow is Friday.
One good bit of news is that the site manager got our letters regarding the testing and is going to try to get us the time WITHOUT using our vacation/sick time. That would be nice. While I liked 2 weeks off, I'd rather use it a little later, when I could potentially go see Ricky in New York.
And I am just going to keep on using Semagic in offline mode, since the hack to get it to connect to DreamWidth no longer works. Dammit, though, I like my desktop client. Back in the LJ days, I lost way too
EDIT: I appreciate that I did this. I think I went to update the tags, music, and such, but forgot to finish the post. Simply, I lost too many posts -- and comments in particular -- updating via web page.
I'm on day 7 of quarantining until I get my Covid-19 test results. Even though I don't think I'm sick, I assumed that I should get tested since someone at my job tested positive, and social distancing isn't our strong suit.
I know I haven't updating this journal in literally a year and a half, and that I pretty much ignored it for 2019, but trust me, you weren't missing much. My mother died August 24. My games fell apart as half my groups didn't want anything to do with the other half. I realized that my health is starting to noticeably take a downturn.
Oh, and I realized I have some world-class, grade-A, superpowered trust, abandonment, and self-sabotage issues related to relationships in my life. Heh. I am more likely to try to run you off or just ghost you altogether, the closer I get to you, if you insist on being intimate (not sexy time, just open). My closest friends are those who didn't push to be closer, and still don't. However, that nonchalance let me give trust that doesn't make me nervous, anxious like I am about to walk on-stage in front of the whole school, wearing only my underwear.
Anyway, that was basically last year. This year started off.. forgettable. Then, my aunt died in February. That sucked. Like, it hurt, but I don't know how to share that pain. I just clam up. Oh, I'll have moments where I cry, briefly, and I've learned that's normal, but it still feels weird. After all, my childhood was pretty fucking unusual, when it came to love and relationships. I haven't uncorked that bottle of fuckery yet to truly delve into it, and I won't for now.
Oh! There is one bright spot this year. Since we've all been keeping home due to the pandemic, I've discovered Roll20, a virtual tabletop for playing RPGs. I've been running something of a regular game since April now, and everyone's having fun. The problem I'm running into is that I need to find a way to either cast off or redirect this existential dread (that was frankly here before the pandemic), so that I can focus on making my games better.
Wouldn't you know it that, after I tested and had to remain isolated, I learned that practically no one got tested? It irritates me greatly, but on the other hand, I don't suppose it should be terribly surprising.
I know I haven't updating this journal in literally a year and a half, and that I pretty much ignored it for 2019, but trust me, you weren't missing much. My mother died August 24. My games fell apart as half my groups didn't want anything to do with the other half. I realized that my health is starting to noticeably take a downturn.
Oh, and I realized I have some world-class, grade-A, superpowered trust, abandonment, and self-sabotage issues related to relationships in my life. Heh. I am more likely to try to run you off or just ghost you altogether, the closer I get to you, if you insist on being intimate (not sexy time, just open). My closest friends are those who didn't push to be closer, and still don't. However, that nonchalance let me give trust that doesn't make me nervous, anxious like I am about to walk on-stage in front of the whole school, wearing only my underwear.
Anyway, that was basically last year. This year started off.. forgettable. Then, my aunt died in February. That sucked. Like, it hurt, but I don't know how to share that pain. I just clam up. Oh, I'll have moments where I cry, briefly, and I've learned that's normal, but it still feels weird. After all, my childhood was pretty fucking unusual, when it came to love and relationships. I haven't uncorked that bottle of fuckery yet to truly delve into it, and I won't for now.
Oh! There is one bright spot this year. Since we've all been keeping home due to the pandemic, I've discovered Roll20, a virtual tabletop for playing RPGs. I've been running something of a regular game since April now, and everyone's having fun. The problem I'm running into is that I need to find a way to either cast off or redirect this existential dread (that was frankly here before the pandemic), so that I can focus on making my games better.
I'm even in an online D&D game on Roll20 on Fridays. I'm playing Ceallach Byrne, bka as Deacon, a fallen aasimar warlock hexblade. He's ostensibly devoted to the Raven Queen, though that was a snap judgment during character creation. I'm navigating the mists of Ravenloft with a motley crew: an elven necromancer far too fond of anatomy, a human cleric of a fire god who tries to convert everyone, a larcenous halfling rogue who's had a baby demon eat through his armor and stolen more than he should have, a tortle paladin who claims he just wants to fish, and a half-elf sorcerer who seems to be channeling shadowy powers not far removed from my own.
Anyway, I should get dinner before trying to iron out some wrinkles in my character before the game starts. Hey... see ya in January 2022! :-p
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I want to post more often. I want to work on my own setting (whether or not it's unique, as was suggested in a recent Roleplaying Tips email). Most of all, I want to be done with this KonMari method decluttering I've been doing. I'm happy that it's happening, and it strangely corresponds to the new worldview I've gained as a result of taking a hard look at what I value spiritually, yet I never realized just how much "stuff" I have.
I have 7-8 boxes of books and two large trash bags of clothes that are going to Goodwill. I also still have around a four foot tall pile of gaming books that haven't been claimed. I spent several hours shredding paper last night (tax returns going back to 2002, check stubs and bank statements going back to 2005), and I still have half of the box left to go. In the realm of "komono"*, I still have CDs, DVDs, board games, card games, kitchen cookware, silverware and dishes, junk drawers, Gladware.
I never knew I had this much crap, and I long to see it gone, but I also don't want to just see it all get thrown away. (The game books, in particular, probably won't survive Goodwill.) So, I ignored part of the method, and have been searching for people interested in taking some of this stuff off my hands.
Anyway, I thought I'd let you know that I'm still alive, but learning just what an effort it is to follow through with this method.
* - KonMari breaks down the process in this order: Clothing, Books, Paper, "Komono" (CDs, DVDs, games, housewares, kitchen stuff, bathroom stuff, etc), Mementos.
I have 7-8 boxes of books and two large trash bags of clothes that are going to Goodwill. I also still have around a four foot tall pile of gaming books that haven't been claimed. I spent several hours shredding paper last night (tax returns going back to 2002, check stubs and bank statements going back to 2005), and I still have half of the box left to go. In the realm of "komono"*, I still have CDs, DVDs, board games, card games, kitchen cookware, silverware and dishes, junk drawers, Gladware.
I never knew I had this much crap, and I long to see it gone, but I also don't want to just see it all get thrown away. (The game books, in particular, probably won't survive Goodwill.) So, I ignored part of the method, and have been searching for people interested in taking some of this stuff off my hands.
Anyway, I thought I'd let you know that I'm still alive, but learning just what an effort it is to follow through with this method.
* - KonMari breaks down the process in this order: Clothing, Books, Paper, "Komono" (CDs, DVDs, games, housewares, kitchen stuff, bathroom stuff, etc), Mementos.
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When I got off today, I decided that I wanted to dig out the notes for the campaign setting I've been working on for a few years, and begin to add onto it.
Then, I realized I wanted to run a campaign set in that world -- once I had enough details to make it interesting -- using the idea I stole from a D&D group earlier this week: the players play through level 3-4, get some decent loot, and "retire", only to have to pick up their swords and spellbooks about five years later, to confront some problem that's rearing its head.
I then thought about the first campaign I'd planned in the setting. Back in 2007, I ran an intro game for Charles, Kevin, and Scott using Castles & Crusades that was going to kick off an epic "you released the demon queen so it is up to you to stop her from releasing her husband and turning the world into a literal Hell on Earth". Sadly, we didn't get ANY further in that one.
I never forgot that one island off the SW coast of the main continent, which plays host to an order of armor-clad dragonriding wizards I call The Spellscale Legion. I have YET to figure out if they're Evil, Good. or somewhere in between.
Then, I had an idea for an end times campaign, in which the sun was fading, evil was running rampant (VAMPIRES.. truly evil ones), and the only way to thwart a prophecy of the end from coming true was to travel time to key historic junctures. I'd tentatively called that one "Red Sun", and even had found a group to play it, but this was 2015, and things were about to get shaken up big time.
Finally, I have an unused idea for a campaign (which I borrowed part of for the Red Sun idea), in which a dire prophecy of things to come is not only active, but basically sentient and is working actively towards seeing itself come to fruition.
(Oddly, the last 2e game I ran -- in 1999 -- used a continent setup very similar to what became my current setting map, even though they were distinct and unrelated originally.)
That's when I thought that each of these campaigns could be in different time periods throughout the setting's history, and eventually tie together.
I even toyed with the idea of encouraging players to make characters using D&D 5e, D&D 3.5, Pathfinder, Castles & Crusades, 13th Age, and RuneQuest. Then, depending on what we were feeling -- or the time period being played -- they appropriate ruleset character was pulled out and used. (Now, this is ambitious and maybe too much for one DM or group, but I dig the idea that, should we play Iron Age, we use RuneQuest, but if we are playing modern day End Times, we might be set up with D&D 5e.
How does any or all of that sound? No matter what, though, I think I will be sitting down to work on some setting info tomorrow.
Then, I realized I wanted to run a campaign set in that world -- once I had enough details to make it interesting -- using the idea I stole from a D&D group earlier this week: the players play through level 3-4, get some decent loot, and "retire", only to have to pick up their swords and spellbooks about five years later, to confront some problem that's rearing its head.
I then thought about the first campaign I'd planned in the setting. Back in 2007, I ran an intro game for Charles, Kevin, and Scott using Castles & Crusades that was going to kick off an epic "you released the demon queen so it is up to you to stop her from releasing her husband and turning the world into a literal Hell on Earth". Sadly, we didn't get ANY further in that one.
I never forgot that one island off the SW coast of the main continent, which plays host to an order of armor-clad dragonriding wizards I call The Spellscale Legion. I have YET to figure out if they're Evil, Good. or somewhere in between.
Then, I had an idea for an end times campaign, in which the sun was fading, evil was running rampant (VAMPIRES.. truly evil ones), and the only way to thwart a prophecy of the end from coming true was to travel time to key historic junctures. I'd tentatively called that one "Red Sun", and even had found a group to play it, but this was 2015, and things were about to get shaken up big time.
Finally, I have an unused idea for a campaign (which I borrowed part of for the Red Sun idea), in which a dire prophecy of things to come is not only active, but basically sentient and is working actively towards seeing itself come to fruition.
(Oddly, the last 2e game I ran -- in 1999 -- used a continent setup very similar to what became my current setting map, even though they were distinct and unrelated originally.)
That's when I thought that each of these campaigns could be in different time periods throughout the setting's history, and eventually tie together.
I even toyed with the idea of encouraging players to make characters using D&D 5e, D&D 3.5, Pathfinder, Castles & Crusades, 13th Age, and RuneQuest. Then, depending on what we were feeling -- or the time period being played -- they appropriate ruleset character was pulled out and used. (Now, this is ambitious and maybe too much for one DM or group, but I dig the idea that, should we play Iron Age, we use RuneQuest, but if we are playing modern day End Times, we might be set up with D&D 5e.
How does any or all of that sound? No matter what, though, I think I will be sitting down to work on some setting info tomorrow.
I posted last night, so I figured if I make it a point to post close to daily, it'll become a habit, and more words from me is clearly a positive thing, right?
My mood dipped at work today, just a bit. It was enough that, when a coworker commented about how she liked my hair, I found myself privately lamenting the lack of someone waiting at home for me1. Upon arriving home, I went out back with a beer and my headphones, and listened to music for an hour and a half or so.
I realized, as I began to sit there, that this was really some sort of meditation. I found myself confronting past relationships and crushes that never went anywhere. I won't say that it "fixed" anything, but I realized that I was processing things, just a little...
...30 minutes later, I woke up suddenly. I had more in mind, but I dozed off. Maybe next time?
1 - Obviously, I don't mean LITERALLY waiting. I refer more to the idea that I have a significant other living with me.
My mood dipped at work today, just a bit. It was enough that, when a coworker commented about how she liked my hair, I found myself privately lamenting the lack of someone waiting at home for me1. Upon arriving home, I went out back with a beer and my headphones, and listened to music for an hour and a half or so.
I realized, as I began to sit there, that this was really some sort of meditation. I found myself confronting past relationships and crushes that never went anywhere. I won't say that it "fixed" anything, but I realized that I was processing things, just a little...
...30 minutes later, I woke up suddenly. I had more in mind, but I dozed off. Maybe next time?
1 - Obviously, I don't mean LITERALLY waiting. I refer more to the idea that I have a significant other living with me.
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I haven't posted since the 13th. I really like having a desktop client to post.
Fortunately, I managed to get Semagic working again. There really is just something more satisfying for me about posting from some kind of client, on my desktop, instead of going to a web site.
The most notable thing that's been going on with me in the last couple of weeks has simply been my adoption of the KonMari method for decluttering. It's not unlike what I was already doing occasionally, and the method really speaks to me. The biggest downside that I see is finding a way to haul off all of the stuff.
Also, knowing when to quit is another issue. I love my games and books, but I think of what I've got "kept" in those two areas, and I begin to feel like I still have too much held back. I remind myself I have another bookcase in storage (which would hold all of my game books without special organization tricks), and my answer to myself is that 4 bookshelves plus the former altar is still too many books. I'll keep calm, and cull again later if I need to.
Anyway, I'm dozing off, but I wanted to put SOMETHING in my journal again.
Fortunately, I managed to get Semagic working again. There really is just something more satisfying for me about posting from some kind of client, on my desktop, instead of going to a web site.
The most notable thing that's been going on with me in the last couple of weeks has simply been my adoption of the KonMari method for decluttering. It's not unlike what I was already doing occasionally, and the method really speaks to me. The biggest downside that I see is finding a way to haul off all of the stuff.
Also, knowing when to quit is another issue. I love my games and books, but I think of what I've got "kept" in those two areas, and I begin to feel like I still have too much held back. I remind myself I have another bookcase in storage (which would hold all of my game books without special organization tricks), and my answer to myself is that 4 bookshelves plus the former altar is still too many books. I'll keep calm, and cull again later if I need to.
Anyway, I'm dozing off, but I wanted to put SOMETHING in my journal again.
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Three.
In the last month, I have run three D&D games. The last two sessions were the same adventure for different groups, but I have run three games. I haven't had this much fun doing this in a considerable count of years. I am already brainstorming what I want to study and prepare for my next game. Sure, I am running "one-shots" rather than a campaign, but I am still running something, and I had little to no idea just how much that mattered to me.
You see, the last time I ran a game where I wasn't exhausted mentally or physically, or one where I wasn't walking into the session doubting my ability to run a game, was very likely long enough ago that W was still president. Seriously, I think the last time I had such unqualified fun running a game might have been Silver Marches, which I ran from 2002-3. I'm willing to consider the times in 2018 in which I ran some actual Red Box D&D, particularly the night I ran Palace of the Silver Princess, to be very similar as well, but only these three recent sessions really tapped that sheer unbridled joy of creating a story and watching my players react to what I unfolded.
I feel grounded and strangely fulfilled. It even carries over to my regular life. While this feeling and mindset is probably intrinsic to my new worldview of deity and who/what I revere, I am elated for that feeling to begin to carry through to other areas of my life. I can't say that I'm giddy or riding some kind of high, either. I've had moments where I've been angry, sad, frustrated, and irritated, but they don't seem to own me. In a less metaphysical sense, you might say that I finally got out of my own way, and allowed myself to truly encounter joy.
Now, I can think of two things some may be asking. First, how do you know this isn't some kind of "peak" emotional wave, and the crash will be coming soon? Second, what the hell does this have to do with running games?
I can't be sure that I'm not on some upswing in mood, and that this is somewhat artificial in nature, but I feel like it's a more persistent mood. After all, I realize I have an undercurrent of joy, even when I'm sad, lonely, nervous, or angry. That is, no matter how BAD things appear to be, I have finally deciphered that ephemeral detail that allows me to truly Understand that it's all transient and cyclical. So, I just ride the wave and wait for it all to come back around. I know that sounds REALLY bat-shit crazy, but it's the best way that I can describe it. Take the other night, for example. I had had a pretty good evening, but I got to thinking about some of my close friends no longer being around, for one reason or another, and I began to feel down. Rather than falling into an absolute black funk, I took solace from our times together as I also mourned the lack of new adventures to come, and used my energy to direct myself to bed.
That is absolutely something I never have really done before. Sure, I'd have those melancholy moments, but they tended to be tipping points into real depression and bleak despair. I am taking heart that this change is a sign of things as they will be, if not a sign of how they are becoming.
The second question is not nearly as off-the-wall. All of the rest of this post is an attempt to explain just how I now feel when I run a game. It is fulfilling and enjoyable, even if things don't go exactly as I'd like (for example, I would've really liked to have had a voice last night, so I could try some different voices for the various NPCs the group ran into). I no longer have such a deep-seated feeling that it has to go like X or it was a failure, and that is absolutely tremendous for me.
So, I want to consider what my options are for another game. I could happily plan another D&D 5e game or plan something else. My options are nigh boundless:
So many choices, and I have the delightful task of determining what I'm going to do next. Chances are actually pretty good that I will prep Trust No One, but one of the others is absolutely going to get put on my to-do list. I want to milk this feeling as fully as possible, and if it means I am running a bunch of adventures this year for a diverse mix of players, then I'll take it.
* - These were the two one-shots I ran in the last month.
In the last month, I have run three D&D games. The last two sessions were the same adventure for different groups, but I have run three games. I haven't had this much fun doing this in a considerable count of years. I am already brainstorming what I want to study and prepare for my next game. Sure, I am running "one-shots" rather than a campaign, but I am still running something, and I had little to no idea just how much that mattered to me.
You see, the last time I ran a game where I wasn't exhausted mentally or physically, or one where I wasn't walking into the session doubting my ability to run a game, was very likely long enough ago that W was still president. Seriously, I think the last time I had such unqualified fun running a game might have been Silver Marches, which I ran from 2002-3. I'm willing to consider the times in 2018 in which I ran some actual Red Box D&D, particularly the night I ran Palace of the Silver Princess, to be very similar as well, but only these three recent sessions really tapped that sheer unbridled joy of creating a story and watching my players react to what I unfolded.
I feel grounded and strangely fulfilled. It even carries over to my regular life. While this feeling and mindset is probably intrinsic to my new worldview of deity and who/what I revere, I am elated for that feeling to begin to carry through to other areas of my life. I can't say that I'm giddy or riding some kind of high, either. I've had moments where I've been angry, sad, frustrated, and irritated, but they don't seem to own me. In a less metaphysical sense, you might say that I finally got out of my own way, and allowed myself to truly encounter joy.
Now, I can think of two things some may be asking. First, how do you know this isn't some kind of "peak" emotional wave, and the crash will be coming soon? Second, what the hell does this have to do with running games?
I can't be sure that I'm not on some upswing in mood, and that this is somewhat artificial in nature, but I feel like it's a more persistent mood. After all, I realize I have an undercurrent of joy, even when I'm sad, lonely, nervous, or angry. That is, no matter how BAD things appear to be, I have finally deciphered that ephemeral detail that allows me to truly Understand that it's all transient and cyclical. So, I just ride the wave and wait for it all to come back around. I know that sounds REALLY bat-shit crazy, but it's the best way that I can describe it. Take the other night, for example. I had had a pretty good evening, but I got to thinking about some of my close friends no longer being around, for one reason or another, and I began to feel down. Rather than falling into an absolute black funk, I took solace from our times together as I also mourned the lack of new adventures to come, and used my energy to direct myself to bed.
That is absolutely something I never have really done before. Sure, I'd have those melancholy moments, but they tended to be tipping points into real depression and bleak despair. I am taking heart that this change is a sign of things as they will be, if not a sign of how they are becoming.
The second question is not nearly as off-the-wall. All of the rest of this post is an attempt to explain just how I now feel when I run a game. It is fulfilling and enjoyable, even if things don't go exactly as I'd like (for example, I would've really liked to have had a voice last night, so I could try some different voices for the various NPCs the group ran into). I no longer have such a deep-seated feeling that it has to go like X or it was a failure, and that is absolutely tremendous for me.
So, I want to consider what my options are for another game. I could happily plan another D&D 5e game or plan something else. My options are nigh boundless:
- Trust No One, an Eberron adventure that is a followup to Curtain Call*
- Storm King's Thunder, a level 5-10 adventure that spins out of Cloud Giant's Bargain*
- Waterdeep: Dragon Heist, a level 1-5 mini-campaign set in Waterdeep, in the Forgotten Realms
- Sharn: Galifar Heist, a conversion of the previous adventure, customized for Sharn, set in Eberron
- New Bonds and Ancient Quarrels, an adventure set in Nostria for The Dark Eye
- A quickstart adventure for RuneQuest 2e, because I've always wanted to try that system out
- Carrion Crown, a six-part Pathfinder campaign that I've been meaning to run in its entirety for 8 years now
- A1: Assault on Blacktooth Ridge, a level 1 adventure for Castles & Crusades (an OSR that blends d20 with Red Box D&D, and which I borrowed elements of for the night I ran Palace of the Silver Princess)
- Run a game -- be it D&D 5e, The Dark Eye, Castles & Crusades -- and just react to what the players choose; a sandbox.
So many choices, and I have the delightful task of determining what I'm going to do next. Chances are actually pretty good that I will prep Trust No One, but one of the others is absolutely going to get put on my to-do list. I want to milk this feeling as fully as possible, and if it means I am running a bunch of adventures this year for a diverse mix of players, then I'll take it.
* - These were the two one-shots I ran in the last month.
Today is my birthday.
Somehow, I've managed to make it through 43 years on this planet. Forty-three. That's not a terribly large number, looking at it from this side of it, but that felt absolutely ancient when I was 16, or 25, or even 30. I mean, it was on this day, THIRTEEN years ago that Charles and Melissa threw a birthday party for me, invited my closest friends, and helped me say goodbye to my 20s. It was on this day, 12 years ago, when Scott -- who was then my roommate -- and a couple of people in my WoW guild, were the only people to recognize my birthday. It was on this day, 33 years ago, that my bunny rabbit's music box quit playing. It was on this day, 21 years ago (I think), that I didn't hear from ANYONE on my birthday except my brother, who I picked up and ran around with (this was corrected that weekend, but at the time, it was overwhelming). Heck, it was on this date, 22 years ago, that I sat on the hill behind the house in Munford that Kevin shared with his parents, reveling in my first legal drink (it was champagne).
I actually worked today. I didn't stay the whole day, but actually got up and went in to work. I realized, halfway through my day, that I will never work on my birthday again, if there is any way I can help it. I work on computers, and Windows 10 displays the time and date real big on the login screens. I don't recall exactly what the time was, but sometime shortly after my break, I realized that seeing "January 7" felt weird. I won't say that *I* felt disconnected, but it didn't feel like my birthday, and I didn't like it one bit. I've always said birthdays ARE special and, at the very least, *I* should recognize my birthday, even if no one else does.
I should have broken habits today, when I left work. I meant to pick up at least a pint of Wild Turkey, because there ain't nothing better for coughs than a shot or two of Wild Turkey 101. I meant to go see Aquaman, but I think I talked myself out of it, because of the coughing. I should have gone to Bed, Bath, and Beyond, and indulged my ludicrous love of kitchen utensils, cookware, bedding, and towels. I should have picked somewhere random, and driven there. The thing is, none of that really appealed to me today.
Instead, I came home. The place was empty, and I opened my new Death T-Shirt that came in the mail (the image is my Facebook wall photo: "You get what anyone gets... you get a lifetime."). Then, I sat down at my computer, for I had a plan. This wasn't in lieu of better plans. This wasn't a result of being unhappy and depressed. My plan today may have made me more than a little anxious and nervous, but it was borne out of something good.
My plan was simple: I was going to buy some brushes and paint, and get back into painting miniatures. I used to do it pretty regularly, back in the 3e/d20 heyday. However, as time went by, I acquired more responsibility and had less time to do the things I loved (I love how Kroger always pushed the concept of "work/life balance," yet never cared to see it happen). Painting minis became a thing of the past, even though I thoroughly loved it. I like to think that it was primarily because I had to set aside time to do it. Later, it was because the paints had dried up.
I picked up some brushes, a decent selection of paints (being an adult does come in handy from time to time). I even grabbed a few minis, so I could try my hand with some brand new poses. Naturally, I tried to assemble the group who played Eberron.I think I may have done it. We will see, pending my ability to come back to this hobby.
This wasn't the only thing I decided that I was going to do this year. I adore Philip Wesley's "Dark Night of the Soul," a collection of solo piano tracks that soothe and cradle my spirit, even if I'm nowhere near sleepy. Years back, I tried my hand at violin. I love that instrument, too, but I also knew that I wasn't interested in spending more money on getting it tuned. So, it has sat in my closet for these past six years. But I digress...
I used to take piano lessons from first grade through late fourth, I think. I learned how to read music (maybe not well enough that I could sight read as I played). I was even All-City once. Then I discovered baseball, and lost interest, since practicing on a piano in the house couldn't compare to playing baseball with the neighborhood kids.
I never forgot about my time playing piano, and I was always prone to let my fingers stray across a keyboard, if time and place allowed it.
So, sometime this year, I'm going to pick up an electronic piano, and see if I can teach myself what I've forgotten. I am doing this for myself, because I want to foster my creativity, to say nothing about how much doing so will do for my soul. I don't write like I used to. I don't read like I used to. I don't have friends with unlimited time to play RPGs once a week. However, if I start painting minis and learning piano again, I suspect that I will find a small sense of satisfaction from creating something again. I feel the pull to create something, ANYTHING myself, and I see no reason to hold myself back.
A friend commented that 5s are her number, citing a myriad of reasons. Well, I've always loved the number 7, and in numerology, 43 becomes 7. Is this a sign/portent for the year to come? Let's hope so.
Somehow, I've managed to make it through 43 years on this planet. Forty-three. That's not a terribly large number, looking at it from this side of it, but that felt absolutely ancient when I was 16, or 25, or even 30. I mean, it was on this day, THIRTEEN years ago that Charles and Melissa threw a birthday party for me, invited my closest friends, and helped me say goodbye to my 20s. It was on this day, 12 years ago, when Scott -- who was then my roommate -- and a couple of people in my WoW guild, were the only people to recognize my birthday. It was on this day, 33 years ago, that my bunny rabbit's music box quit playing. It was on this day, 21 years ago (I think), that I didn't hear from ANYONE on my birthday except my brother, who I picked up and ran around with (this was corrected that weekend, but at the time, it was overwhelming). Heck, it was on this date, 22 years ago, that I sat on the hill behind the house in Munford that Kevin shared with his parents, reveling in my first legal drink (it was champagne).
I actually worked today. I didn't stay the whole day, but actually got up and went in to work. I realized, halfway through my day, that I will never work on my birthday again, if there is any way I can help it. I work on computers, and Windows 10 displays the time and date real big on the login screens. I don't recall exactly what the time was, but sometime shortly after my break, I realized that seeing "January 7" felt weird. I won't say that *I* felt disconnected, but it didn't feel like my birthday, and I didn't like it one bit. I've always said birthdays ARE special and, at the very least, *I* should recognize my birthday, even if no one else does.
I should have broken habits today, when I left work. I meant to pick up at least a pint of Wild Turkey, because there ain't nothing better for coughs than a shot or two of Wild Turkey 101. I meant to go see Aquaman, but I think I talked myself out of it, because of the coughing. I should have gone to Bed, Bath, and Beyond, and indulged my ludicrous love of kitchen utensils, cookware, bedding, and towels. I should have picked somewhere random, and driven there. The thing is, none of that really appealed to me today.
Instead, I came home. The place was empty, and I opened my new Death T-Shirt that came in the mail (the image is my Facebook wall photo: "You get what anyone gets... you get a lifetime."). Then, I sat down at my computer, for I had a plan. This wasn't in lieu of better plans. This wasn't a result of being unhappy and depressed. My plan today may have made me more than a little anxious and nervous, but it was borne out of something good.
My plan was simple: I was going to buy some brushes and paint, and get back into painting miniatures. I used to do it pretty regularly, back in the 3e/d20 heyday. However, as time went by, I acquired more responsibility and had less time to do the things I loved (I love how Kroger always pushed the concept of "work/life balance," yet never cared to see it happen). Painting minis became a thing of the past, even though I thoroughly loved it. I like to think that it was primarily because I had to set aside time to do it. Later, it was because the paints had dried up.
I picked up some brushes, a decent selection of paints (being an adult does come in handy from time to time). I even grabbed a few minis, so I could try my hand with some brand new poses. Naturally, I tried to assemble the group who played Eberron.I think I may have done it. We will see, pending my ability to come back to this hobby.
This wasn't the only thing I decided that I was going to do this year. I adore Philip Wesley's "Dark Night of the Soul," a collection of solo piano tracks that soothe and cradle my spirit, even if I'm nowhere near sleepy. Years back, I tried my hand at violin. I love that instrument, too, but I also knew that I wasn't interested in spending more money on getting it tuned. So, it has sat in my closet for these past six years. But I digress...
I used to take piano lessons from first grade through late fourth, I think. I learned how to read music (maybe not well enough that I could sight read as I played). I was even All-City once. Then I discovered baseball, and lost interest, since practicing on a piano in the house couldn't compare to playing baseball with the neighborhood kids.
I never forgot about my time playing piano, and I was always prone to let my fingers stray across a keyboard, if time and place allowed it.
So, sometime this year, I'm going to pick up an electronic piano, and see if I can teach myself what I've forgotten. I am doing this for myself, because I want to foster my creativity, to say nothing about how much doing so will do for my soul. I don't write like I used to. I don't read like I used to. I don't have friends with unlimited time to play RPGs once a week. However, if I start painting minis and learning piano again, I suspect that I will find a small sense of satisfaction from creating something again. I feel the pull to create something, ANYTHING myself, and I see no reason to hold myself back.
A friend commented that 5s are her number, citing a myriad of reasons. Well, I've always loved the number 7, and in numerology, 43 becomes 7. Is this a sign/portent for the year to come? Let's hope so.
From time to time, I post about how I feel spiritually, from what I think I'm doing wrong to a complete redefinition of what I value. I tend to be reluctant to share that with a larger audience, due in no small way to the judgmental way most people in my area of the country view religion and spirituality. When I tell you I'm clearly Not Christian™, I get nervous, like I could still be burned at the stake over it. Of course, I worked in retail for 23 years (from 9 Nov 1994 until 26 Feb 2018, so 23 years, 3 months, and 17 days).
I wonder if I ever told anyone about the time when I had a well-meaning Evangelical Christian pressure me -- a customer service clerk who was bagging an order -- into accepting Jesus because she saw the Ankh I wore around my neck. Never mind that I tried explaining that I wore it because I liked a comic book character that wore one. Never mind that I cited that it represented eternal life. Never mind that I'd had others compare it to a Celtic cross. She was worried for my eternal soul. What was so bad was that she was never hateful or mean; indeed, she always smiled and was terribly pleasant, but I always got a lecture about it, until I learned to avoid her. Now, it doesn't matter that she was being nice and was genuinely worried about me, because she refused to accept my reasons for wearing it. I vaguely recall one customer rudely and hatefully calling it out, only instead of trying to sway me with love, he was trying to scare me into not wearing it.
...and that was for something I wore because I liked a comic character created by a British author. Imagine what might've happened if I had formally been pagan or atheist at the time, and run into one or the other of them.
At any rate, now you know why I decided long ago that my faith was my business, and why I kept such belief close to my chest, on a superficial level, anyway.
What do I believe? Let me clear this up with an oversimplification: I don't FUCKING know. :) To go past the vulgarity, I am not really sure. I have never been completely satisfied with any system of belief.
Since 2010, when I finally accepted that I couldn't reconcile Christianity in a positive way, I have been alternately Asatru, heathen, pagan, atheist, heathen, agnostic, heathen, almost druid, atheist, almost Asatru again, until I find myself at this weird point that's probably easiest to call pagan (but like most labels, isn't a proper fit). I've tried to find a niche that I could call my own: a spiritual practice that encompasses what I value, yet gives me a label that fits and a way to ward off anyone who wants to tell me that I'm "doing it wrong".
I began 2018 believing that there were no gods, that I was alone, and that I was doomed to a dismal tailspin to a suicide or just death by stress. Work was a physical burden that settled on my shoulders as soon as I would turn my car into the parking lot. Then, I found a new job, and things began to turn around: I had a regular schedule, I was able to make time for friends, I was getting rest, and more. People were commenting that they were already seeing the change in me.
Before long, I began to experiment again. I was afraid to name any deity, because I had -- to my mind -- spurned them for so long, and felt that I had to "earn" their good will back. I had an altar set up, and I cleaned it up and burned candles on it. I would occasionally leave an offering. It felt good, so I kept at it, though I still "heard" nothing. Now, some would point right to this and say, "Aha! You had it!" Honestly, they wouldn't be wrong, but I am never satisfied for long when it comes to seeking answers.
So, I took to wearing my Thor's Hammer again, my outward sign that I was heathen/Asatru1, and for a few weeks, I was content. Then, after a trip to Missouri to visit a Lokean friend of mine (for D&D!), I had occasion to ask a friend, without judgment, why they had chosen Loki. Their response, because he called to them, shook me. Long after I had said good night to them, I was torn. I was lost and more than a little jealous: I wanted a connection like that to the gods. I still want such a connection to the gods. Oh, nothing like having them on speed dial, but being able to close my eyes and just KNOW they're near, even if they aren't actively watching. To have that unshakable faith that comes to the devout.
I ripped my hammer off as I was getting ready to remove my shirt, and I hurled it away from me, behind me. I didn't find it until 5am the next morning, six hours later. When I did find it, I found the rope and haft of the hammer behind my books on my bookshelf, and the head was laying on the floor, by my closet. I had managed to break it in two. I spent a good part of the next day, talking to close friends about what was bugging me.
I started listing things that I knew I "believed" in, as evidence that I shouldn't have trouble hearing deities -- no matter how literally or figuratively you take that. That's when my friend said, "there, you see? these are the things you believe in, and you don't need a name or a named God to make it work for you." 2
So, what do I believe?
(In all fairness, it's also getting quite late, and I do have to work in the morning. We can call this Part 1 if you like, and I'll get to Part 2 very soon.)
1 - I am very careful about how I label my Norse beliefs, because many who call themselves Asatru are unbending in their approach to the gods, and many others are racist asshats hiding behind the gods.
2 - This is a paraphrase, obviously.
I wonder if I ever told anyone about the time when I had a well-meaning Evangelical Christian pressure me -- a customer service clerk who was bagging an order -- into accepting Jesus because she saw the Ankh I wore around my neck. Never mind that I tried explaining that I wore it because I liked a comic book character that wore one. Never mind that I cited that it represented eternal life. Never mind that I'd had others compare it to a Celtic cross. She was worried for my eternal soul. What was so bad was that she was never hateful or mean; indeed, she always smiled and was terribly pleasant, but I always got a lecture about it, until I learned to avoid her. Now, it doesn't matter that she was being nice and was genuinely worried about me, because she refused to accept my reasons for wearing it. I vaguely recall one customer rudely and hatefully calling it out, only instead of trying to sway me with love, he was trying to scare me into not wearing it.
...and that was for something I wore because I liked a comic character created by a British author. Imagine what might've happened if I had formally been pagan or atheist at the time, and run into one or the other of them.
At any rate, now you know why I decided long ago that my faith was my business, and why I kept such belief close to my chest, on a superficial level, anyway.
What do I believe? Let me clear this up with an oversimplification: I don't FUCKING know. :) To go past the vulgarity, I am not really sure. I have never been completely satisfied with any system of belief.
Since 2010, when I finally accepted that I couldn't reconcile Christianity in a positive way, I have been alternately Asatru, heathen, pagan, atheist, heathen, agnostic, heathen, almost druid, atheist, almost Asatru again, until I find myself at this weird point that's probably easiest to call pagan (but like most labels, isn't a proper fit). I've tried to find a niche that I could call my own: a spiritual practice that encompasses what I value, yet gives me a label that fits and a way to ward off anyone who wants to tell me that I'm "doing it wrong".
I began 2018 believing that there were no gods, that I was alone, and that I was doomed to a dismal tailspin to a suicide or just death by stress. Work was a physical burden that settled on my shoulders as soon as I would turn my car into the parking lot. Then, I found a new job, and things began to turn around: I had a regular schedule, I was able to make time for friends, I was getting rest, and more. People were commenting that they were already seeing the change in me.
Before long, I began to experiment again. I was afraid to name any deity, because I had -- to my mind -- spurned them for so long, and felt that I had to "earn" their good will back. I had an altar set up, and I cleaned it up and burned candles on it. I would occasionally leave an offering. It felt good, so I kept at it, though I still "heard" nothing. Now, some would point right to this and say, "Aha! You had it!" Honestly, they wouldn't be wrong, but I am never satisfied for long when it comes to seeking answers.
So, I took to wearing my Thor's Hammer again, my outward sign that I was heathen/Asatru1, and for a few weeks, I was content. Then, after a trip to Missouri to visit a Lokean friend of mine (for D&D!), I had occasion to ask a friend, without judgment, why they had chosen Loki. Their response, because he called to them, shook me. Long after I had said good night to them, I was torn. I was lost and more than a little jealous: I wanted a connection like that to the gods. I still want such a connection to the gods. Oh, nothing like having them on speed dial, but being able to close my eyes and just KNOW they're near, even if they aren't actively watching. To have that unshakable faith that comes to the devout.
I ripped my hammer off as I was getting ready to remove my shirt, and I hurled it away from me, behind me. I didn't find it until 5am the next morning, six hours later. When I did find it, I found the rope and haft of the hammer behind my books on my bookshelf, and the head was laying on the floor, by my closet. I had managed to break it in two. I spent a good part of the next day, talking to close friends about what was bugging me.
I started listing things that I knew I "believed" in, as evidence that I shouldn't have trouble hearing deities -- no matter how literally or figuratively you take that. That's when my friend said, "there, you see? these are the things you believe in, and you don't need a name or a named God to make it work for you." 2
So, what do I believe?
- Well, for whatever reason, I trust that the way my music sorts itself when I randomize it, particularly when I am starting my day or doing a chore, to tell me something, either with song title or song subject matter.
- I am energized by the moon, and though I see the fewest stars during a full moon, I am most alive, as I can feel the silver moonlight caressing my skin.
- I trust in Death as a bringer of peace and a watcher of lives and as one who brings meaning to one's life, for only because we eventually die do our struggles truly matter.
- I believe in Dreams much the same way that I do music.
- Going back to when I was 12, and had to do a report on the Parthenon for my 6th grade class, Athena has always drawn my attention and maybe just a little love. When I visited the Parthenon replica that's in Nashville, I was struck almost physically when I walked out in front of the statue in the main hall. Even then, as deeply heathen as I felt I was, I considered that stop to be highly spiritual for me.
- I was drawn to Thor when I read my first comic with him in it. Now, I understand the comic version is different from the lore, but in both, Thor is a guardian of humanity and defender of Midgard. That calling is what, I think, resonated with me.
- Death, as visualized by Neil Gaiman, is one of my life's loves. She is everything I said about death above, and then some. Death isn't always pretty. It isn't always timely. It isn't always preferable. However, in every situation, there she is, ready to escort us to our next adventure. She has followed me into my dreams, and for a great many years, would randomly appear in them and converse with me about nonesuch. I miss those conversations, because it's been a while since I last recall seeing her.
- In a National Geographic book on the solar system, Michael Whelan was tasked with illustrating the planets' namesakes, for inclusion in a page of info about the planet. Diana, chosen for the Moon, captivated and fascinated me. I'd stare at the image for hours. That Diana was an archer is a significance I can only now begin to ponder (as archery is my favorite combat style in D&D in particular, and in games in general).
(In all fairness, it's also getting quite late, and I do have to work in the morning. We can call this Part 1 if you like, and I'll get to Part 2 very soon.)
1 - I am very careful about how I label my Norse beliefs, because many who call themselves Asatru are unbending in their approach to the gods, and many others are racist asshats hiding behind the gods.
2 - This is a paraphrase, obviously.
At 610am, the first of four alarms -- spread across when I am getting up and ready for work -- went off. As soon as I hit it, I realized two things. First, I was still tired, and wanted to go back to bed. The second thing was far more... ahem... alarming: my iPhone updated software overnight and reset, cutting off my sleep cycle alarm. I had no warning that it was due for an upgrade, and had I been relying on that one alone, I might have overslept.
At any rate, I dragged my heels getting ready. I had a reason this time, because I was talking to my friend Chuck (who works third shift) about when we could schedule a get-together (since the last one was over two years ago, and the one before that was probably that long as well, we're slightly overdue for comparing notes and trading musical trivia). However, since I had done that, I felt like I needed to get to work on time, even though I'd be pressed for time. The good news here was twofold: Chuck and I worked out a day to hang out, and I was on time.
The day wasn't too bad, but my voice seemed to be in a constant state of cracking, so I either coughed or croaked, usually both. Though I had a couple of nastygrams about devices that folks felt I should have already had completed (easy for them to forget that we, too, had Christmas and New Year's off), I fell back into the swing of things quite easily, after missing yesterday for some much needed rejuvenative sleep/rest. Before I knew it, it was lunch time. After lunch was pretty much the same, working consistently to get older devices completed, and to start newer ones. It was in the afternoon that I audibly wished that I was allowed to use my phone for music again. I heard that we were allowed to do so again, but I wasn't so sure, and played it safe. I should point blank ask tomorrow.
I came home, and began to really feel grumpy. You see, the meds I took this morning were wearing off and I began coughing. I also knew that I had to take out the trash, empty/load the dishwasher, and do some laundry. Fortunately, I had a short chat with Jimerea about resting and recovering, so I've put all but the trash on hold until tomorrow. I also managed to fix dinner, and have a tentative plan for what I'm preparing for lunch tomorrow.
Now, I'm at my own mercy for what to do until I decide to go to bed. Given how physically and mentally drained I am, I might just read a bit from The Cleric Quintet by R.A. Salvatore or watch a couple of episodes of Cheers on Netflix.
Here's to tomorrow. May I have more to discuss than how my day passed... :)
At any rate, I dragged my heels getting ready. I had a reason this time, because I was talking to my friend Chuck (who works third shift) about when we could schedule a get-together (since the last one was over two years ago, and the one before that was probably that long as well, we're slightly overdue for comparing notes and trading musical trivia). However, since I had done that, I felt like I needed to get to work on time, even though I'd be pressed for time. The good news here was twofold: Chuck and I worked out a day to hang out, and I was on time.
The day wasn't too bad, but my voice seemed to be in a constant state of cracking, so I either coughed or croaked, usually both. Though I had a couple of nastygrams about devices that folks felt I should have already had completed (easy for them to forget that we, too, had Christmas and New Year's off), I fell back into the swing of things quite easily, after missing yesterday for some much needed rejuvenative sleep/rest. Before I knew it, it was lunch time. After lunch was pretty much the same, working consistently to get older devices completed, and to start newer ones. It was in the afternoon that I audibly wished that I was allowed to use my phone for music again. I heard that we were allowed to do so again, but I wasn't so sure, and played it safe. I should point blank ask tomorrow.
I came home, and began to really feel grumpy. You see, the meds I took this morning were wearing off and I began coughing. I also knew that I had to take out the trash, empty/load the dishwasher, and do some laundry. Fortunately, I had a short chat with Jimerea about resting and recovering, so I've put all but the trash on hold until tomorrow. I also managed to fix dinner, and have a tentative plan for what I'm preparing for lunch tomorrow.
Now, I'm at my own mercy for what to do until I decide to go to bed. Given how physically and mentally drained I am, I might just read a bit from The Cleric Quintet by R.A. Salvatore or watch a couple of episodes of Cheers on Netflix.
Here's to tomorrow. May I have more to discuss than how my day passed... :)
July 2017.
That was the last time I wrote in this journal. It was three months after I had migrated my LJ over here permanently (TL;DR - LJ's Russian owners were implementing some truly horrible policies regarding LGBT). My WordPress has sat fallow for even longer, but I digress.
I basically didn't touch this journal for the six months leading up to my leaving Kroger. I assume that, by then, I had gotten used to the idea of not posting in a non-Facebook capacity. Hell, except for some heavily-filtered entries on exactly how Kroger was killing me, I wasn't up for posting much on Facebook, either.
A lot has happened since that last post, of course:
Aside from work, though, the most notable occurrence is that my creative spark is reigniting. It's a dully glowing orange ember currently, but it's growing brighter with each passing week. I've prepared and run two different D&D games in the last month, and both were unqualified successes with those who played. I'm gonna redo one of them for a different group on January 12, too, and I'm definitely excited about the prospect. Aside from that, well, there's the fact that I'm jump starting this journal again. Before I know it, I'll be reading books like I used to.
This is what's been going on with me, in short. I hope it doesn't take another 18 months to get another post put up. (I halfway wonder if I shouldn't migrate my WordPress over here, too, and just be done with multiple blogging sites. Thoughts?)
That was the last time I wrote in this journal. It was three months after I had migrated my LJ over here permanently (TL;DR - LJ's Russian owners were implementing some truly horrible policies regarding LGBT). My WordPress has sat fallow for even longer, but I digress.
I basically didn't touch this journal for the six months leading up to my leaving Kroger. I assume that, by then, I had gotten used to the idea of not posting in a non-Facebook capacity. Hell, except for some heavily-filtered entries on exactly how Kroger was killing me, I wasn't up for posting much on Facebook, either.
A lot has happened since that last post, of course:
- I was written up twice in two weeks for conditions on my Front End, and had the schedule writing taken from me.
- My strongest person on the front got promoted to backup at another store, after I was told that he wasn't strong enough to do it for me.
- My assigned backup was an absolute fuckup who was way in over her head, but was one of the co-manager's pets.
- I got the schedule back, and managed to get it fixed after only a month of working on it.
- The New Year came.
- I quickly realized that I had had enough, and put out a call for any job that anyone knew of.
- I heard from Sonya, who told me about a job working for John -- someone I knew from some circles I ran in -- working on computers.
Aside from work, though, the most notable occurrence is that my creative spark is reigniting. It's a dully glowing orange ember currently, but it's growing brighter with each passing week. I've prepared and run two different D&D games in the last month, and both were unqualified successes with those who played. I'm gonna redo one of them for a different group on January 12, too, and I'm definitely excited about the prospect. Aside from that, well, there's the fact that I'm jump starting this journal again. Before I know it, I'll be reading books like I used to.
This is what's been going on with me, in short. I hope it doesn't take another 18 months to get another post put up. (I halfway wonder if I shouldn't migrate my WordPress over here, too, and just be done with multiple blogging sites. Thoughts?)
Tonight, I put on some music for my trip home, as I normally do. Tonight, though, I decided to address the dearth of Manowar by adding a few more tracks to one of my playlists.
Going through what Manowar I had on the phone, I ran across "Warriors of the World United." As I listened to the track start, I felt something inside shift. I added it to my playlist, and found it in said list. I started it up, and left. The song was fascinating, and I started it over again when it finished. I kept it up until 1am, when I finally turned that one song off and got a shower (and bed).
What follows is a rough approximation of what was going through my mind while I was listening to that one song, over and over. I first shared these thoughts with Cynthia earlier. I'm not editing these thoughts, so there is a chance one or two may be missing context.
tonight, I feel a direction to work on my games, and fucking own my games. I feel gods-damned amazing.
this song has unlocked something that I was unsure of, or was purposefully ignoring.
Fuck.. so I walked to my altar, which I'd been thinking of dismantling, to get my tobacco, and I had a sudden urge to sob. Not from sadness, but from overwhelming emotions
The reason I am drawn to the Norse is that I NEED that warrior spirit. I am not, in my daily life, a warrior in the classic sense. I am absolutely a fighter, but that's different.
The Norse are there to watch out for me. They help me where I can't help myself.
Yet, for some reason, I've been pushing them away. Even last year, when I was thinking Odin was watching, I listened to others who said I had to include Loki. No, I don't, but I let myself be influenced so.
All I have to do is accept them, pick up my learning about them, and things will be back on track (oh, I may have to make a few sacrifices, but that's to be expected).
Athena and Diana were the warriors of my youth. I could and should continue to honor Athena (besides warrior, there's the learned one aspect), but the Norse have welcomed me in, and I fucking ignored what was staring me in the face.
Freyja may have been watching me initially, but that may have been because of my (unconscious and subconscious) connection to Athena and Diana. To ease my conversion.
I'll never be a classic heathen. But that's okay. They know what I am.
I never told you that when we went to see Iron Maiden inNashville, we went to the Parthenon. I was almost overwhelmed by being in her shrine.. tell me that I'm not connected..
Going through what Manowar I had on the phone, I ran across "Warriors of the World United." As I listened to the track start, I felt something inside shift. I added it to my playlist, and found it in said list. I started it up, and left. The song was fascinating, and I started it over again when it finished. I kept it up until 1am, when I finally turned that one song off and got a shower (and bed).
What follows is a rough approximation of what was going through my mind while I was listening to that one song, over and over. I first shared these thoughts with Cynthia earlier. I'm not editing these thoughts, so there is a chance one or two may be missing context.
tonight, I feel a direction to work on my games, and fucking own my games. I feel gods-damned amazing.
this song has unlocked something that I was unsure of, or was purposefully ignoring.
Fuck.. so I walked to my altar, which I'd been thinking of dismantling, to get my tobacco, and I had a sudden urge to sob. Not from sadness, but from overwhelming emotions
The reason I am drawn to the Norse is that I NEED that warrior spirit. I am not, in my daily life, a warrior in the classic sense. I am absolutely a fighter, but that's different.
The Norse are there to watch out for me. They help me where I can't help myself.
Yet, for some reason, I've been pushing them away. Even last year, when I was thinking Odin was watching, I listened to others who said I had to include Loki. No, I don't, but I let myself be influenced so.
All I have to do is accept them, pick up my learning about them, and things will be back on track (oh, I may have to make a few sacrifices, but that's to be expected).
Athena and Diana were the warriors of my youth. I could and should continue to honor Athena (besides warrior, there's the learned one aspect), but the Norse have welcomed me in, and I fucking ignored what was staring me in the face.
Freyja may have been watching me initially, but that may have been because of my (unconscious and subconscious) connection to Athena and Diana. To ease my conversion.
I'll never be a classic heathen. But that's okay. They know what I am.
I never told you that when we went to see Iron Maiden inNashville, we went to the Parthenon. I was almost overwhelmed by being in her shrine.. tell me that I'm not connected..
A friend, Justin, changed his cover photo to one of Death, Sandman's older sister. Another friend commented that she loved Death. This isn't my attempt to outdo her or him. I just have to share this occasionally, and when the urge strikes, it's damned near overpowering.
I was going to say, but refrained from saying:
"I have been in love with her since 1993. I've never looked at anyone the way I looked at her. Good or bad, I have never been able to feel for anyone the way that I feel for her."
Ever since this panel in Sandman #56.. I can feel it every time I read the page below. I once did an LJ post about it, but I don't know if I could find it now, because I don't know when I did the post originally. Suffice to say that I woke from a dream that felt very real in which I'd been traveling with her. The thing that makes it feel real, even today, is that my heart was hurting bad enough it took my breath away, all because I knew that waking separated me from her.
Anyway, here it is.
I was going to say, but refrained from saying:
"I have been in love with her since 1993. I've never looked at anyone the way I looked at her. Good or bad, I have never been able to feel for anyone the way that I feel for her."
Ever since this panel in Sandman #56.. I can feel it every time I read the page below. I once did an LJ post about it, but I don't know if I could find it now, because I don't know when I did the post originally. Suffice to say that I woke from a dream that felt very real in which I'd been traveling with her. The thing that makes it feel real, even today, is that my heart was hurting bad enough it took my breath away, all because I knew that waking separated me from her.
Anyway, here it is.
..what an oddly appropriate title to the journal entry in which I detail my trip to New York.
As much as I'd love to inundate you with a detailed retelling of the full eight days, I am going to break it up into manageable chunks, because too much of a good thing quickly becomes "TL;DR" instead.
We will start with...
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
While some of this may be suspect due to the passage of time and lack of sleep, I am going to hold that this is the truth.. "from a certain point of view," at any rate.
I slept maybe a couple of hours that night, and woke at 3am instead of the much more reasonable 330am I had intended to use for my alarm. Oddly, from showering to dressing to finalizing packing to breakfast, I was pretty much perfectly on time. This meant, of course, that I'd originally subconsciously intended to rush and hurry to get to the airport. Thank the heavens I didn't give into that temptation.
I arrived, printed my boarding passes, and checked my luggage. Turning toward the TSA security checkpoint, I saw why my tickets said to arrive two hours early: the line to get through security was easily 40 feet long. To their credit, it moved pretty steadily, and soon I was headed toward my departure gate. (NOTE TO SELF FOR FUTURE REFERENCE: Your backpack has two straps, and you are carrying more than a pair of schoolbooks. Put that shit on your back, dork!) I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do at that point, because I was probably at least 30 minutes early for boarding, and I hadn't paid enough for my ticket to qualify for boarding as soon as they announce it.
Fidgeting, I watched the sun rise out of the window by the gate, and even thought to take a picture (which became the first of over 200). I was a good little Facebooker, and kept up photos of my trip, as well as posting updates throughout the day. The drain on my battery was significant, though.
Soon, I was on the plane, and had the entire row to myself! I learned, though, to my embarrassment, that the seat belt wouldn't buckle with me in it. I kept my calm, and kept trying, but finally settled for tucking the ends under my loose t-shirt and acting nonchalant, all the while praying that the plane didn't go down in a fiery ball of death, because I was totally going to get blown FAR away. I might have gotten up and looked more closely at the belt ends, but I didn't want to call attention to it, and I was deathly afraid that I was going to get thrown off the plane, and not get to New York after all, so I shut up.
I departed my first flight in almost thirteen years when we landed in Detroit, Michigan.
For those who have never been to the airport in Detroit, let me say that it is BIG. Thankfully, it all seemed to be in a straight line, with plenty of moving sidewalks to help you get from one end to another. I had to pee something fierce, though, so I opted to go to the restroom before making a mad dash for my gate (I was at A9, and my departure gate was A55).
For the second time that morning, I became horribly embarrassed. I tend to prefer stalls to urinals, because I'm rather shy when other people are around. The only unoccupied stall door, though, wouldn't fucking open. So, with a ton of nerd shit in a bag that kept trying to fall off my shoulder, I sidled up to an empty urinal, feeling horribly self-conscious. While I was peeing, my bag slipped off my shoulder twice. When I finally was done, I realized I'd gotten some urine on my shirt tail. Thankfully, it was a black t-shirt, so it didn't show up terribly obviously, but I was self-conscious until much later.
The second leg of the flight wasn't as bad, even though I had to share my row with someone. Thankfully, it was a thin girl. Also, my seat belt fit just fine, which perplexed me, and left me wondering if I really had grabbed the wrong belts before. They came in handy, because the plane came in so fast at Scranton that I thought the tires were going to explode from either the pressure of landing on them, or the speed at which we were slowing down. He also didn't seem to have lined up his landing, as we went from "in the air" to "on the ground" particularly abruptly.
Going down to baggage claim, I saw Ricky and Brittney out of the corner of my eye, and since they were pretending like they didn't know me, I played the game, and even walked around a post they were circling, so that they couldn't find me.
Eventually, they did, and we hugged as only those who truly have missed each other do. We grabbed my suitcase, and headed for his van. The trip back to Endicott was uneventful, except that I was completely blown away at all of the mountains in the region. (It's easy, at times, to forget that the Appalachian Mountains start up in that area.
We went to the Blue Dolphin, where Brandy was working, and had lunch. I had a burger and fries, which were pretty good. The strangest thing for me was that Ricky warned me off ordering the sweet tea, saying that up north, sweet meant "raspberry-flavored".
The food was pretty good, though, because I must have eaten too fast, for I got a horrible bout of gas. I wound up laying down for about an hour when we got back to Ricky's apartment. When I woke, I felt much better, and began to dig into my suitcase for the things I had brought people (an Iron Man shirt for Dakota, the D&D cartoon series on DVD for everyone, and three bottles of Dale's marinade for Brandy).
At that moment, Dakota came bursting in, thrilled beyond words that "Uncle Anthony" was there. He immediately wanted to show me his "Star Wars" room, since I'd sent so much to him. I was certainly impressed, and pleased that my gifts had such an enthusiastic recipient. Not to be outdone, Brittney pointed out all of the Doctor Who stuff in her room (where I was staying while I was in town -- she preferred to sleep on the loveseat anyway).
(I have to admit, it was a surprisingly good feeling to have someone that happy to see me. As adults, we've grown cynical and mistrustful, and so even the most heartfelt greeting has a hint of that cynicism layered underneath. Put another way, no matter how happy someone seems to be to see us, we automatically assume that they can't possibly be as excited as they are acting. With an 11-year-old, though, that cynicism doesn't have much room, particularly when he cites exactly how long it's been since he last saw you, and later extracts a promise that you not wait that long to see everyone again.)
I was asked not long afterward about playing D&D. Well, folks can't play D&D without dice, and I never had time to pick up any sets*. So, Ricky, Dakota, and I piled into the van to get some dice for the kids. We went to "SoundGoRound" in Vestal (literally the other side of the highway from Endicott). Let me tell you about that place. They sold new and used video games and systems, LPs, cassettes, CDs, comics, geek toys, anime DVDs and Blu-Ray, collectible card games, board games, and RPGs (like D&D). I've never seen a store so certain to get most of my discretionary income in my life.
All that was missing was a bookstore section (and I didn't get to check out the whole thing, so I may have missed something). The clerk who ran the RPG/CCG section had the dice by the Magic cards, and Ricky immediately began to ask about those as well as the dice. Eventually, we both left with a pair of preconstructed decks, and a few packs of the newest expansion. Oh, and we got dice (yes, almost as an afterthought).
We stopped by "Price Choppers" on the way home, and spent a little too long shopping. Part of it was because they didn't have a lot of groceries at home (it was time for them to shop anyway), and part of it was that I was taking pictures of the store, so I had some frame of reference for later, should I decide to put in an application and move up there. Those I told that I was considering this probably figured I was just stressed out, and didn't mean it, but I decided that I could do a lot worse than do some very preliminary legwork about moving.
When we got home, there wasn't enough time to play D&D that night. I explained that we would definitely play on Wednesday, bid good night to the kids, and went to sleep myself. At least, I tried to. Going from a room with a constant fan blowing in cool A/C to one that had neither fan nor a reliable source of A/C was significant. It was cool that night (mid-50s), so I made the most of it. Besides, I had too much to do while there to worry with something like sleep!
P.S.: Oh! I almost forgot. My first new beer in New York was Middle Ages Brewing Company's "Sparrow Wit". Good beer, but I wasn't quite in the mood for a witbier (think Blue Moon or Hoegaarden). Regardless, it was a tasty start to my introduction to all New York alcoholic beverages, as well as a nice nightcap before bed.
* - Sets for them, that is. I have enough dice to fill a large movie theater popcorn bucket. :)
As much as I'd love to inundate you with a detailed retelling of the full eight days, I am going to break it up into manageable chunks, because too much of a good thing quickly becomes "TL;DR" instead.
We will start with...
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
While some of this may be suspect due to the passage of time and lack of sleep, I am going to hold that this is the truth.. "from a certain point of view," at any rate.
I slept maybe a couple of hours that night, and woke at 3am instead of the much more reasonable 330am I had intended to use for my alarm. Oddly, from showering to dressing to finalizing packing to breakfast, I was pretty much perfectly on time. This meant, of course, that I'd originally subconsciously intended to rush and hurry to get to the airport. Thank the heavens I didn't give into that temptation.
I arrived, printed my boarding passes, and checked my luggage. Turning toward the TSA security checkpoint, I saw why my tickets said to arrive two hours early: the line to get through security was easily 40 feet long. To their credit, it moved pretty steadily, and soon I was headed toward my departure gate. (NOTE TO SELF FOR FUTURE REFERENCE: Your backpack has two straps, and you are carrying more than a pair of schoolbooks. Put that shit on your back, dork!) I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do at that point, because I was probably at least 30 minutes early for boarding, and I hadn't paid enough for my ticket to qualify for boarding as soon as they announce it.
Fidgeting, I watched the sun rise out of the window by the gate, and even thought to take a picture (which became the first of over 200). I was a good little Facebooker, and kept up photos of my trip, as well as posting updates throughout the day. The drain on my battery was significant, though.
Soon, I was on the plane, and had the entire row to myself! I learned, though, to my embarrassment, that the seat belt wouldn't buckle with me in it. I kept my calm, and kept trying, but finally settled for tucking the ends under my loose t-shirt and acting nonchalant, all the while praying that the plane didn't go down in a fiery ball of death, because I was totally going to get blown FAR away. I might have gotten up and looked more closely at the belt ends, but I didn't want to call attention to it, and I was deathly afraid that I was going to get thrown off the plane, and not get to New York after all, so I shut up.
I departed my first flight in almost thirteen years when we landed in Detroit, Michigan.
For those who have never been to the airport in Detroit, let me say that it is BIG. Thankfully, it all seemed to be in a straight line, with plenty of moving sidewalks to help you get from one end to another. I had to pee something fierce, though, so I opted to go to the restroom before making a mad dash for my gate (I was at A9, and my departure gate was A55).For the second time that morning, I became horribly embarrassed. I tend to prefer stalls to urinals, because I'm rather shy when other people are around. The only unoccupied stall door, though, wouldn't fucking open. So, with a ton of nerd shit in a bag that kept trying to fall off my shoulder, I sidled up to an empty urinal, feeling horribly self-conscious. While I was peeing, my bag slipped off my shoulder twice. When I finally was done, I realized I'd gotten some urine on my shirt tail. Thankfully, it was a black t-shirt, so it didn't show up terribly obviously, but I was self-conscious until much later.
The second leg of the flight wasn't as bad, even though I had to share my row with someone. Thankfully, it was a thin girl. Also, my seat belt fit just fine, which perplexed me, and left me wondering if I really had grabbed the wrong belts before. They came in handy, because the plane came in so fast at Scranton that I thought the tires were going to explode from either the pressure of landing on them, or the speed at which we were slowing down. He also didn't seem to have lined up his landing, as we went from "in the air" to "on the ground" particularly abruptly.
Going down to baggage claim, I saw Ricky and Brittney out of the corner of my eye, and since they were pretending like they didn't know me, I played the game, and even walked around a post they were circling, so that they couldn't find me.
Eventually, they did, and we hugged as only those who truly have missed each other do. We grabbed my suitcase, and headed for his van. The trip back to Endicott was uneventful, except that I was completely blown away at all of the mountains in the region. (It's easy, at times, to forget that the Appalachian Mountains start up in that area.
We went to the Blue Dolphin, where Brandy was working, and had lunch. I had a burger and fries, which were pretty good. The strangest thing for me was that Ricky warned me off ordering the sweet tea, saying that up north, sweet meant "raspberry-flavored".
The food was pretty good, though, because I must have eaten too fast, for I got a horrible bout of gas. I wound up laying down for about an hour when we got back to Ricky's apartment. When I woke, I felt much better, and began to dig into my suitcase for the things I had brought people (an Iron Man shirt for Dakota, the D&D cartoon series on DVD for everyone, and three bottles of Dale's marinade for Brandy).
At that moment, Dakota came bursting in, thrilled beyond words that "Uncle Anthony" was there. He immediately wanted to show me his "Star Wars" room, since I'd sent so much to him. I was certainly impressed, and pleased that my gifts had such an enthusiastic recipient. Not to be outdone, Brittney pointed out all of the Doctor Who stuff in her room (where I was staying while I was in town -- she preferred to sleep on the loveseat anyway).
(I have to admit, it was a surprisingly good feeling to have someone that happy to see me. As adults, we've grown cynical and mistrustful, and so even the most heartfelt greeting has a hint of that cynicism layered underneath. Put another way, no matter how happy someone seems to be to see us, we automatically assume that they can't possibly be as excited as they are acting. With an 11-year-old, though, that cynicism doesn't have much room, particularly when he cites exactly how long it's been since he last saw you, and later extracts a promise that you not wait that long to see everyone again.)
I was asked not long afterward about playing D&D. Well, folks can't play D&D without dice, and I never had time to pick up any sets*. So, Ricky, Dakota, and I piled into the van to get some dice for the kids. We went to "SoundGoRound" in Vestal (literally the other side of the highway from Endicott). Let me tell you about that place. They sold new and used video games and systems, LPs, cassettes, CDs, comics, geek toys, anime DVDs and Blu-Ray, collectible card games, board games, and RPGs (like D&D). I've never seen a store so certain to get most of my discretionary income in my life.
All that was missing was a bookstore section (and I didn't get to check out the whole thing, so I may have missed something). The clerk who ran the RPG/CCG section had the dice by the Magic cards, and Ricky immediately began to ask about those as well as the dice. Eventually, we both left with a pair of preconstructed decks, and a few packs of the newest expansion. Oh, and we got dice (yes, almost as an afterthought).
We stopped by "Price Choppers" on the way home, and spent a little too long shopping. Part of it was because they didn't have a lot of groceries at home (it was time for them to shop anyway), and part of it was that I was taking pictures of the store, so I had some frame of reference for later, should I decide to put in an application and move up there. Those I told that I was considering this probably figured I was just stressed out, and didn't mean it, but I decided that I could do a lot worse than do some very preliminary legwork about moving.When we got home, there wasn't enough time to play D&D that night. I explained that we would definitely play on Wednesday, bid good night to the kids, and went to sleep myself. At least, I tried to. Going from a room with a constant fan blowing in cool A/C to one that had neither fan nor a reliable source of A/C was significant. It was cool that night (mid-50s), so I made the most of it. Besides, I had too much to do while there to worry with something like sleep!P.S.: Oh! I almost forgot. My first new beer in New York was Middle Ages Brewing Company's "Sparrow Wit". Good beer, but I wasn't quite in the mood for a witbier (think Blue Moon or Hoegaarden). Regardless, it was a tasty start to my introduction to all New York alcoholic beverages, as well as a nice nightcap before bed.
* - Sets for them, that is. I have enough dice to fill a large movie theater popcorn bucket. :)
◾ Tags:
...or it makes for quite a lot of things to post!
Since my last post, it feels like a lot has happened.
First, I learned that one of the managers at my store thinks I don't have any people skills. Now, this may be true1, given that my patience has become more and more strained as time has gone by and I've not had any break from that job. Thus, when a clerk approaches me about how she is missing a vacation day, but hollers that she knows she was right when I try to explain what I found, I will lose my temper. I task myself with not losing my temper with customers, but I don't have quite as much success with associates.
Sometimes, it's not even directed at someone. I learned today that SCO is kept open till midnight, despite us closing at 11pm. I nearly lost my head, because it's something that should have been addressed. The checker who mentioned it thought I was angry with her, and so refused to stay over when the supervisor asked her today2. I know I am not the most centered individual, and that sometimes I really lose my temper, but I wouldn't expect that that would disqualify me for having "people skills". Oh yeah, telling someone with anxiety issues, who is stressed out from never getting away from the job, that they have no people skills is just going to fucking exacerbate the issue. The evening supervisor may not have thought about it before sharing, but it sucked all the same.
Another fun detail I learned today at work has to do with our cash deliveries. You see, we have to order our change now, instead of getting a standing order from the bank. Unfortunately, no one else has even bothered to even learn how it's done, much less place an order. As a result, we won't be able to get anything in until Wednesday. I made the morning accounting clerk order change, so I knew she knew what was expected. I told her, "I don't care if you ever fill another coin changer; I don't care if you have to leave paperwork strewn around accounting, you have to get change ordered."
That's when I was hit with her telling me that she has talked to all of her old managers, and wants to transfer. Oh, sure, that has to get approval from OUR store manager, but still, it means that she's already planning on leaving. I've also heard of two Guest Care clerks thinking about putting in notice, too, and we are down 5-7 cashiers and 4-6 baggers from where we were only six weeks ago.
Is it any wonder why I may not be the most approachable, the friendliest, person? I have said it before, and I'll say it again: LET ME HAVE A WEEK OFF, AND I GUARANTEE IMPROVEMENTS. I need rest, fuckers.
That brings me to some good news. I'm less than 60 hours from being on my way to New York, by way of Detroit. I can't wait. My brother told me his daughter's friend will be joining us, so I get to craft an item based on "The Vampire Diaries" for her3. I'm kinda excited about how this is turning out. I just need to make their characters, so I can print them out and have them ready for the trip. (IDEA! I can make them, and then level them, and have PDFs of each level (from 1-4, maybe?), so when they level, we can discuss how to do it, but I can hand over the new sheets so they're ready to continue the action!)
While I'm there, though, I have decided that I am very seriously going to see what the grocery store market it like, and not rule out moving up there. I don't know if I really want to move, but I know that is probably the homebody person who dislikes change. The cost of living may be too much for me to manage it anyway, you know? Since I'll be up there, though, it wouldn't hurt to explore my options. I've heard some unsavory rumors about Kroger (that I won't repeat here, filter or not), and weighing my possibilities may just be sensible.
Now, something simultaneously sobering and joyous and confusing and heartbreaking and, and..
Back at the beginning of March, my best friend, Kevin, passed away, and I make no bones about the fact that his passing really fucked me up. I loved that man, and I finally have begun to understand what it means to never be over someone's death, to only be able to cope.4 Well, his widow invited me over to pick out things that I'd want of his as keepsakes. I met her and her family for lunch, and we went to the house.
She fucking gave me his entire RPG collection. From his oldest 1e books (including a Moldovay Beginner Set with Keep on the Borderlands in it), to his nearly-complete run of Hackmaster 4e (the first version in print, if you aren't familiar with the game made famous by Knights of the Dinner Table), to his collected notes for games he's run in the past, I got it all. It's easily four feet tall, and also includes such notable things as the Dragonlance Krynn trail map and the second edition of Talisman. Additionally, she gave me a chunk of his paperbacks and hardbacks.
I now own the very 1e books that we used when he ran me on my first game as an elven ranger (long before I heard of Drizzt, dammit), his Collector's Editions of Chronicles and Legends, his original copies of the Dark Elf Trilogy and Icewind Dale Trilogy (Streams of Silver doesn't even say it's part of a series!), and even the very copies of Neuromancer, Count Zero, and Mona Lisa Overdrive that turned me onto cyberpunk in the first place! I can't explain it, but though I couldn't think of what she might've intended me to get, this is perfect. Absolutely perfect. Every time I look at my bookshelves, I will remember him.
Hell! Did you know that, going through his notes, I found a fucking map that *I* had drawn and labelled, ostensibly for him? I didn't even know that fucking map existed!!! Then there's the original winding underground passages where my human fighter was led blindly through, because I didn't have a torch? I damn near broke down then, seeing that.
I've since thought about his dice, but you know what? I don't know if I could. I doubt I'd ever want to roll them, or even touch them. He was always so protective of them. I remember when his family was moving from Frayser to Munford, and his dicebag upended in his room. "GET OUT!" he bellowed, and insisted we stay away while he picked up his dice. I credit him to this day for my own superstition regarding dice. I'll give him points, though, for assembling some absolutely gorgeous sets.
Dammit, Kevin. It looks like I'll never be free of you. *raises glass in a toast* Hail and farewell, brother!
1 - "..from a certain point of view," said Obi-Wan Kenobi. :)
2 - Which is yet another reason why I feel like a fucking failure today. We could *really* have used her help.
3 - In the show, there is a candle called the "Hand of Glory", which lets you walk between worlds, to "TL;DR" it. Hers will be an amulet that she can use twice a day to use that "doorway" to teleport up to 50 feet away. Did I mention, btw, that she will be a rogue? :)
4 - What does that say about those who have gone before? (Grandmother, Granddaddy, Grandma, Paw-Paw, Pop Dunn, Mom Dunn, Uncle Jimmy) I love them all, but I guess Kevin's different, in that he was my first peer.
Since my last post, it feels like a lot has happened.
First, I learned that one of the managers at my store thinks I don't have any people skills. Now, this may be true1, given that my patience has become more and more strained as time has gone by and I've not had any break from that job. Thus, when a clerk approaches me about how she is missing a vacation day, but hollers that she knows she was right when I try to explain what I found, I will lose my temper. I task myself with not losing my temper with customers, but I don't have quite as much success with associates.
Sometimes, it's not even directed at someone. I learned today that SCO is kept open till midnight, despite us closing at 11pm. I nearly lost my head, because it's something that should have been addressed. The checker who mentioned it thought I was angry with her, and so refused to stay over when the supervisor asked her today2. I know I am not the most centered individual, and that sometimes I really lose my temper, but I wouldn't expect that that would disqualify me for having "people skills". Oh yeah, telling someone with anxiety issues, who is stressed out from never getting away from the job, that they have no people skills is just going to fucking exacerbate the issue. The evening supervisor may not have thought about it before sharing, but it sucked all the same.
Another fun detail I learned today at work has to do with our cash deliveries. You see, we have to order our change now, instead of getting a standing order from the bank. Unfortunately, no one else has even bothered to even learn how it's done, much less place an order. As a result, we won't be able to get anything in until Wednesday. I made the morning accounting clerk order change, so I knew she knew what was expected. I told her, "I don't care if you ever fill another coin changer; I don't care if you have to leave paperwork strewn around accounting, you have to get change ordered."
That's when I was hit with her telling me that she has talked to all of her old managers, and wants to transfer. Oh, sure, that has to get approval from OUR store manager, but still, it means that she's already planning on leaving. I've also heard of two Guest Care clerks thinking about putting in notice, too, and we are down 5-7 cashiers and 4-6 baggers from where we were only six weeks ago.
Is it any wonder why I may not be the most approachable, the friendliest, person? I have said it before, and I'll say it again: LET ME HAVE A WEEK OFF, AND I GUARANTEE IMPROVEMENTS. I need rest, fuckers.
That brings me to some good news. I'm less than 60 hours from being on my way to New York, by way of Detroit. I can't wait. My brother told me his daughter's friend will be joining us, so I get to craft an item based on "The Vampire Diaries" for her3. I'm kinda excited about how this is turning out. I just need to make their characters, so I can print them out and have them ready for the trip. (IDEA! I can make them, and then level them, and have PDFs of each level (from 1-4, maybe?), so when they level, we can discuss how to do it, but I can hand over the new sheets so they're ready to continue the action!)
While I'm there, though, I have decided that I am very seriously going to see what the grocery store market it like, and not rule out moving up there. I don't know if I really want to move, but I know that is probably the homebody person who dislikes change. The cost of living may be too much for me to manage it anyway, you know? Since I'll be up there, though, it wouldn't hurt to explore my options. I've heard some unsavory rumors about Kroger (that I won't repeat here, filter or not), and weighing my possibilities may just be sensible.
Now, something simultaneously sobering and joyous and confusing and heartbreaking and, and..
Back at the beginning of March, my best friend, Kevin, passed away, and I make no bones about the fact that his passing really fucked me up. I loved that man, and I finally have begun to understand what it means to never be over someone's death, to only be able to cope.4 Well, his widow invited me over to pick out things that I'd want of his as keepsakes. I met her and her family for lunch, and we went to the house.
She fucking gave me his entire RPG collection. From his oldest 1e books (including a Moldovay Beginner Set with Keep on the Borderlands in it), to his nearly-complete run of Hackmaster 4e (the first version in print, if you aren't familiar with the game made famous by Knights of the Dinner Table), to his collected notes for games he's run in the past, I got it all. It's easily four feet tall, and also includes such notable things as the Dragonlance Krynn trail map and the second edition of Talisman. Additionally, she gave me a chunk of his paperbacks and hardbacks.
I now own the very 1e books that we used when he ran me on my first game as an elven ranger (long before I heard of Drizzt, dammit), his Collector's Editions of Chronicles and Legends, his original copies of the Dark Elf Trilogy and Icewind Dale Trilogy (Streams of Silver doesn't even say it's part of a series!), and even the very copies of Neuromancer, Count Zero, and Mona Lisa Overdrive that turned me onto cyberpunk in the first place! I can't explain it, but though I couldn't think of what she might've intended me to get, this is perfect. Absolutely perfect. Every time I look at my bookshelves, I will remember him.
Hell! Did you know that, going through his notes, I found a fucking map that *I* had drawn and labelled, ostensibly for him? I didn't even know that fucking map existed!!! Then there's the original winding underground passages where my human fighter was led blindly through, because I didn't have a torch? I damn near broke down then, seeing that.
I've since thought about his dice, but you know what? I don't know if I could. I doubt I'd ever want to roll them, or even touch them. He was always so protective of them. I remember when his family was moving from Frayser to Munford, and his dicebag upended in his room. "GET OUT!" he bellowed, and insisted we stay away while he picked up his dice. I credit him to this day for my own superstition regarding dice. I'll give him points, though, for assembling some absolutely gorgeous sets.
Dammit, Kevin. It looks like I'll never be free of you. *raises glass in a toast* Hail and farewell, brother!
1 - "..from a certain point of view," said Obi-Wan Kenobi. :)
2 - Which is yet another reason why I feel like a fucking failure today. We could *really* have used her help.
3 - In the show, there is a candle called the "Hand of Glory", which lets you walk between worlds, to "TL;DR" it. Hers will be an amulet that she can use twice a day to use that "doorway" to teleport up to 50 feet away. Did I mention, btw, that she will be a rogue? :)
4 - What does that say about those who have gone before? (Grandmother, Granddaddy, Grandma, Paw-Paw, Pop Dunn, Mom Dunn, Uncle Jimmy) I love them all, but I guess Kevin's different, in that he was my first peer.
It is effectively Monday now. I am basically 8 days away from leaving town for six days. It's finally starting to get real for me now. Despite the hour, I sent messages to all parties I anticipate seeing while I'm there, and began to plan what I want to do, and when. The list of things I want to accomplish includes the following:
It's a full list, huh?
I know that some of the items seem positively pedestrian, considering I'll be visiting a state that I've never been in before, yet I figure that something as simple as having lunch at the Pantheon and seeing a movie, since it's in a small central New York town, will be unique enough to make it fun to try.
Now, I will also begin making out my list of things to pack. I've already kinda worked out most of what will be in my carry-on: iPhone (and ear buds & charging cable), Kindle (and charging cable), Nintendo Switch (and charging cable and games in hard-shell case), D&D 5e Player's Handbook, Monster Manual, and Dungeon Master's Guide, an adventure that I will run for the kids*, dice (mine; we will go get sets for them on Friday before we play), a pad of paper, and maybe a box of Magic: The Gathering decks.
Oh my! Look at the time! I better get some sleep!
* - My nephew is a big Star Wars buff, so his fighter will get a sword with a blade made of red light, which extinguishes when not being used, and my niece -- a Whovian through and through -- will receive a short scepter which makes a high-pitched whine while she's using a knowledge skill (Arcana, History, Nature, Religion), Perception, Investigation, or Medicine.
- Eat at the Pantheon restaurant, maintained by Rick's wife, Brandy.
- Go to the comic/game store that Rick frequents.
- Check out the Endicott grocery store, as well as hopefully find a Wegman's to visit. (Research for a possible move.)
- Visit my cousin, Harriett, for at least a few hours, if not a couple of days.
- Go see Niagara Falls.
- Finally meet -- and have lunch with -- my friend Dan from Buffalo. (We've been LJ/FB friends for.. 15 years now? Dear gods!)
- Introduce Rick's kids -- my "adopted" niece and nephew -- to Dungeons & Dragons.
- Go see a movie in that awesome theater that Rick always bragged about.
- Check out a local metaphysical shop
It's a full list, huh?
I know that some of the items seem positively pedestrian, considering I'll be visiting a state that I've never been in before, yet I figure that something as simple as having lunch at the Pantheon and seeing a movie, since it's in a small central New York town, will be unique enough to make it fun to try.
Now, I will also begin making out my list of things to pack. I've already kinda worked out most of what will be in my carry-on: iPhone (and ear buds & charging cable), Kindle (and charging cable), Nintendo Switch (and charging cable and games in hard-shell case), D&D 5e Player's Handbook, Monster Manual, and Dungeon Master's Guide, an adventure that I will run for the kids*, dice (mine; we will go get sets for them on Friday before we play), a pad of paper, and maybe a box of Magic: The Gathering decks.
Oh my! Look at the time! I better get some sleep!
* - My nephew is a big Star Wars buff, so his fighter will get a sword with a blade made of red light, which extinguishes when not being used, and my niece -- a Whovian through and through -- will receive a short scepter which makes a high-pitched whine while she's using a knowledge skill (Arcana, History, Nature, Religion), Perception, Investigation, or Medicine.
