I lost some time once...

I'm on day 7 of quarantining until I get my Covid-19 test results. Even though I don't think I'm sick, I assumed that I should get tested since someone at my job tested positive, and social distancing isn't our strong suit.

Wouldn't you know it that, after I tested and had to remain isolated, I learned that practically no one got tested? It irritates me greatly, but on the other hand, I don't suppose it should be terribly surprising.
 

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I know I haven't updating this journal in literally a year and a half, and that I pretty much ignored it for 2019, but trust me, you weren't missing much. My mother died August 24. My games fell apart as half my groups didn't want anything to do with the other half. I realized that my health is starting to noticeably take a downturn.

Oh, and I realized I have some world-class, grade-A, superpowered trust, abandonment, and self-sabotage issues related to relationships in my life. Heh. I am more likely to try to run you off or just ghost you altogether, the closer I get to you, if you insist on being intimate (not sexy time, just open). My closest friends are those who didn't push to be closer, and still don't. However, that nonchalance let me give trust that doesn't make me nervous, anxious like I am about to walk on-stage in front of the whole school, wearing only my underwear.

Anyway, that was basically last year. This year started off.. forgettable. Then, my aunt died in February. That sucked. Like, it hurt, but I don't know how to share that pain. I just clam up. Oh, I'll have moments where I cry, briefly, and I've learned that's normal, but it still feels weird. After all, my childhood was pretty fucking unusual, when it came to love and relationships. I haven't uncorked that bottle of fuckery yet to truly delve into it, and I won't for now.

Oh! There is one bright spot this year. Since we've all been keeping home due to the pandemic, I've discovered Roll20, a virtual tabletop for playing RPGs. I've been running something of a regular game since April now, and everyone's having fun. The problem I'm running into is that I need to find a way to either cast off or redirect this existential dread (that was frankly here before the pandemic), so that I can focus on making my games better.

 

I'm even in an online D&D game on Roll20 on Fridays. I'm playing Ceallach Byrne, bka as Deacon, a fallen aasimar warlock hexblade. He's ostensibly devoted to the Raven Queen, though that was a snap judgment during character creation. I'm navigating the mists of Ravenloft with a motley crew: an elven necromancer far too fond of anatomy, a human cleric of a fire god who tries to convert everyone, a larcenous halfling rogue who's had a baby demon eat through his armor and stolen more than he should have, a tortle paladin who claims he just wants to fish, and a half-elf sorcerer who seems to be channeling shadowy powers not far removed from my own.

Anyway, I should get dinner before trying to iron out some wrinkles in my character before the game starts. Hey... see ya in January 2022! :-p