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From time to time, I post about how I feel spiritually, from what I think I'm doing wrong to a complete redefinition of what I value. I tend to be reluctant to share that with a larger audience, due in no small way to the judgmental way most people in my area of the country view religion and spirituality. When I tell you I'm clearly Not Christian™, I get nervous, like I could still be burned at the stake over it. Of course, I worked in retail for 23 years (from 9 Nov 1994 until 26 Feb 2018, so 23 years, 3 months, and 17 days).
I wonder if I ever told anyone about the time when I had a well-meaning Evangelical Christian pressure me -- a customer service clerk who was bagging an order -- into accepting Jesus because she saw the Ankh I wore around my neck. Never mind that I tried explaining that I wore it because I liked a comic book character that wore one. Never mind that I cited that it represented eternal life. Never mind that I'd had others compare it to a Celtic cross. She was worried for my eternal soul. What was so bad was that she was never hateful or mean; indeed, she always smiled and was terribly pleasant, but I always got a lecture about it, until I learned to avoid her. Now, it doesn't matter that she was being nice and was genuinely worried about me, because she refused to accept my reasons for wearing it. I vaguely recall one customer rudely and hatefully calling it out, only instead of trying to sway me with love, he was trying to scare me into not wearing it.
...and that was for something I wore because I liked a comic character created by a British author. Imagine what might've happened if I had formally been pagan or atheist at the time, and run into one or the other of them.
At any rate, now you know why I decided long ago that my faith was my business, and why I kept such belief close to my chest, on a superficial level, anyway.
What do I believe? Let me clear this up with an oversimplification: I don't FUCKING know. :) To go past the vulgarity, I am not really sure. I have never been completely satisfied with any system of belief.
Since 2010, when I finally accepted that I couldn't reconcile Christianity in a positive way, I have been alternately Asatru, heathen, pagan, atheist, heathen, agnostic, heathen, almost druid, atheist, almost Asatru again, until I find myself at this weird point that's probably easiest to call pagan (but like most labels, isn't a proper fit). I've tried to find a niche that I could call my own: a spiritual practice that encompasses what I value, yet gives me a label that fits and a way to ward off anyone who wants to tell me that I'm "doing it wrong".
I began 2018 believing that there were no gods, that I was alone, and that I was doomed to a dismal tailspin to a suicide or just death by stress. Work was a physical burden that settled on my shoulders as soon as I would turn my car into the parking lot. Then, I found a new job, and things began to turn around: I had a regular schedule, I was able to make time for friends, I was getting rest, and more. People were commenting that they were already seeing the change in me.
Before long, I began to experiment again. I was afraid to name any deity, because I had -- to my mind -- spurned them for so long, and felt that I had to "earn" their good will back. I had an altar set up, and I cleaned it up and burned candles on it. I would occasionally leave an offering. It felt good, so I kept at it, though I still "heard" nothing. Now, some would point right to this and say, "Aha! You had it!" Honestly, they wouldn't be wrong, but I am never satisfied for long when it comes to seeking answers.
So, I took to wearing my Thor's Hammer again, my outward sign that I was heathen/Asatru1, and for a few weeks, I was content. Then, after a trip to Missouri to visit a Lokean friend of mine (for D&D!), I had occasion to ask a friend, without judgment, why they had chosen Loki. Their response, because he called to them, shook me. Long after I had said good night to them, I was torn. I was lost and more than a little jealous: I wanted a connection like that to the gods. I still want such a connection to the gods. Oh, nothing like having them on speed dial, but being able to close my eyes and just KNOW they're near, even if they aren't actively watching. To have that unshakable faith that comes to the devout.
I ripped my hammer off as I was getting ready to remove my shirt, and I hurled it away from me, behind me. I didn't find it until 5am the next morning, six hours later. When I did find it, I found the rope and haft of the hammer behind my books on my bookshelf, and the head was laying on the floor, by my closet. I had managed to break it in two. I spent a good part of the next day, talking to close friends about what was bugging me.
I started listing things that I knew I "believed" in, as evidence that I shouldn't have trouble hearing deities -- no matter how literally or figuratively you take that. That's when my friend said, "there, you see? these are the things you believe in, and you don't need a name or a named God to make it work for you." 2
So, what do I believe?
(In all fairness, it's also getting quite late, and I do have to work in the morning. We can call this Part 1 if you like, and I'll get to Part 2 very soon.)
1 - I am very careful about how I label my Norse beliefs, because many who call themselves Asatru are unbending in their approach to the gods, and many others are racist asshats hiding behind the gods.
2 - This is a paraphrase, obviously.
I wonder if I ever told anyone about the time when I had a well-meaning Evangelical Christian pressure me -- a customer service clerk who was bagging an order -- into accepting Jesus because she saw the Ankh I wore around my neck. Never mind that I tried explaining that I wore it because I liked a comic book character that wore one. Never mind that I cited that it represented eternal life. Never mind that I'd had others compare it to a Celtic cross. She was worried for my eternal soul. What was so bad was that she was never hateful or mean; indeed, she always smiled and was terribly pleasant, but I always got a lecture about it, until I learned to avoid her. Now, it doesn't matter that she was being nice and was genuinely worried about me, because she refused to accept my reasons for wearing it. I vaguely recall one customer rudely and hatefully calling it out, only instead of trying to sway me with love, he was trying to scare me into not wearing it.
...and that was for something I wore because I liked a comic character created by a British author. Imagine what might've happened if I had formally been pagan or atheist at the time, and run into one or the other of them.
At any rate, now you know why I decided long ago that my faith was my business, and why I kept such belief close to my chest, on a superficial level, anyway.
What do I believe? Let me clear this up with an oversimplification: I don't FUCKING know. :) To go past the vulgarity, I am not really sure. I have never been completely satisfied with any system of belief.
Since 2010, when I finally accepted that I couldn't reconcile Christianity in a positive way, I have been alternately Asatru, heathen, pagan, atheist, heathen, agnostic, heathen, almost druid, atheist, almost Asatru again, until I find myself at this weird point that's probably easiest to call pagan (but like most labels, isn't a proper fit). I've tried to find a niche that I could call my own: a spiritual practice that encompasses what I value, yet gives me a label that fits and a way to ward off anyone who wants to tell me that I'm "doing it wrong".
I began 2018 believing that there were no gods, that I was alone, and that I was doomed to a dismal tailspin to a suicide or just death by stress. Work was a physical burden that settled on my shoulders as soon as I would turn my car into the parking lot. Then, I found a new job, and things began to turn around: I had a regular schedule, I was able to make time for friends, I was getting rest, and more. People were commenting that they were already seeing the change in me.
Before long, I began to experiment again. I was afraid to name any deity, because I had -- to my mind -- spurned them for so long, and felt that I had to "earn" their good will back. I had an altar set up, and I cleaned it up and burned candles on it. I would occasionally leave an offering. It felt good, so I kept at it, though I still "heard" nothing. Now, some would point right to this and say, "Aha! You had it!" Honestly, they wouldn't be wrong, but I am never satisfied for long when it comes to seeking answers.
So, I took to wearing my Thor's Hammer again, my outward sign that I was heathen/Asatru1, and for a few weeks, I was content. Then, after a trip to Missouri to visit a Lokean friend of mine (for D&D!), I had occasion to ask a friend, without judgment, why they had chosen Loki. Their response, because he called to them, shook me. Long after I had said good night to them, I was torn. I was lost and more than a little jealous: I wanted a connection like that to the gods. I still want such a connection to the gods. Oh, nothing like having them on speed dial, but being able to close my eyes and just KNOW they're near, even if they aren't actively watching. To have that unshakable faith that comes to the devout.
I ripped my hammer off as I was getting ready to remove my shirt, and I hurled it away from me, behind me. I didn't find it until 5am the next morning, six hours later. When I did find it, I found the rope and haft of the hammer behind my books on my bookshelf, and the head was laying on the floor, by my closet. I had managed to break it in two. I spent a good part of the next day, talking to close friends about what was bugging me.
I started listing things that I knew I "believed" in, as evidence that I shouldn't have trouble hearing deities -- no matter how literally or figuratively you take that. That's when my friend said, "there, you see? these are the things you believe in, and you don't need a name or a named God to make it work for you." 2
So, what do I believe?
- Well, for whatever reason, I trust that the way my music sorts itself when I randomize it, particularly when I am starting my day or doing a chore, to tell me something, either with song title or song subject matter.
- I am energized by the moon, and though I see the fewest stars during a full moon, I am most alive, as I can feel the silver moonlight caressing my skin.
- I trust in Death as a bringer of peace and a watcher of lives and as one who brings meaning to one's life, for only because we eventually die do our struggles truly matter.
- I believe in Dreams much the same way that I do music.
- Going back to when I was 12, and had to do a report on the Parthenon for my 6th grade class, Athena has always drawn my attention and maybe just a little love. When I visited the Parthenon replica that's in Nashville, I was struck almost physically when I walked out in front of the statue in the main hall. Even then, as deeply heathen as I felt I was, I considered that stop to be highly spiritual for me.
- I was drawn to Thor when I read my first comic with him in it. Now, I understand the comic version is different from the lore, but in both, Thor is a guardian of humanity and defender of Midgard. That calling is what, I think, resonated with me.
- Death, as visualized by Neil Gaiman, is one of my life's loves. She is everything I said about death above, and then some. Death isn't always pretty. It isn't always timely. It isn't always preferable. However, in every situation, there she is, ready to escort us to our next adventure. She has followed me into my dreams, and for a great many years, would randomly appear in them and converse with me about nonesuch. I miss those conversations, because it's been a while since I last recall seeing her.
- In a National Geographic book on the solar system, Michael Whelan was tasked with illustrating the planets' namesakes, for inclusion in a page of info about the planet. Diana, chosen for the Moon, captivated and fascinated me. I'd stare at the image for hours. That Diana was an archer is a significance I can only now begin to ponder (as archery is my favorite combat style in D&D in particular, and in games in general).
(In all fairness, it's also getting quite late, and I do have to work in the morning. We can call this Part 1 if you like, and I'll get to Part 2 very soon.)
1 - I am very careful about how I label my Norse beliefs, because many who call themselves Asatru are unbending in their approach to the gods, and many others are racist asshats hiding behind the gods.
2 - This is a paraphrase, obviously.
