I lost some time once...

I'm on day 7 of quarantining until I get my Covid-19 test results. Even though I don't think I'm sick, I assumed that I should get tested since someone at my job tested positive, and social distancing isn't our strong suit.

Wouldn't you know it that, after I tested and had to remain isolated, I learned that practically no one got tested? It irritates me greatly, but on the other hand, I don't suppose it should be terribly surprising.
 

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I know I haven't updating this journal in literally a year and a half, and that I pretty much ignored it for 2019, but trust me, you weren't missing much. My mother died August 24. My games fell apart as half my groups didn't want anything to do with the other half. I realized that my health is starting to noticeably take a downturn.

Oh, and I realized I have some world-class, grade-A, superpowered trust, abandonment, and self-sabotage issues related to relationships in my life. Heh. I am more likely to try to run you off or just ghost you altogether, the closer I get to you, if you insist on being intimate (not sexy time, just open). My closest friends are those who didn't push to be closer, and still don't. However, that nonchalance let me give trust that doesn't make me nervous, anxious like I am about to walk on-stage in front of the whole school, wearing only my underwear.

Anyway, that was basically last year. This year started off.. forgettable. Then, my aunt died in February. That sucked. Like, it hurt, but I don't know how to share that pain. I just clam up. Oh, I'll have moments where I cry, briefly, and I've learned that's normal, but it still feels weird. After all, my childhood was pretty fucking unusual, when it came to love and relationships. I haven't uncorked that bottle of fuckery yet to truly delve into it, and I won't for now.

Oh! There is one bright spot this year. Since we've all been keeping home due to the pandemic, I've discovered Roll20, a virtual tabletop for playing RPGs. I've been running something of a regular game since April now, and everyone's having fun. The problem I'm running into is that I need to find a way to either cast off or redirect this existential dread (that was frankly here before the pandemic), so that I can focus on making my games better.

 

I'm even in an online D&D game on Roll20 on Fridays. I'm playing Ceallach Byrne, bka as Deacon, a fallen aasimar warlock hexblade. He's ostensibly devoted to the Raven Queen, though that was a snap judgment during character creation. I'm navigating the mists of Ravenloft with a motley crew: an elven necromancer far too fond of anatomy, a human cleric of a fire god who tries to convert everyone, a larcenous halfling rogue who's had a baby demon eat through his armor and stolen more than he should have, a tortle paladin who claims he just wants to fish, and a half-elf sorcerer who seems to be channeling shadowy powers not far removed from my own.

Anyway, I should get dinner before trying to iron out some wrinkles in my character before the game starts. Hey... see ya in January 2022! :-p

Three.

In the last month, I have run three D&D games. The last two sessions were the same adventure for different groups, but I have run three games. I haven't had this much fun doing this in a considerable count of years. I am already brainstorming what I want to study and prepare for my next game. Sure, I am running "one-shots" rather than a campaign, but I am still running something, and I had little to no idea just how much that mattered to me.

You see, the last time I ran a game where I wasn't exhausted mentally or physically, or one where I wasn't walking into the session doubting my ability to run a game, was very likely long enough ago that W was still president. Seriously, I think the last time I had such unqualified fun running a game might have been Silver Marches, which I ran from 2002-3. I'm willing to consider the times in 2018 in which I ran some actual Red Box D&D, particularly the night I ran Palace of the Silver Princess, to be very similar as well, but only these three recent sessions really tapped that sheer unbridled joy of creating a story and watching my players react to what I unfolded.

I feel grounded and strangely fulfilled. It even carries over to my regular life. While this feeling and mindset is probably intrinsic to my new worldview of deity and who/what I revere, I am elated for that feeling to begin to carry through to other areas of my life. I can't say that I'm giddy or riding some kind of high, either. I've had moments where I've been angry, sad, frustrated, and irritated, but they don't seem to own me. In a less metaphysical sense, you might say that I finally got out of my own way, and allowed myself to truly encounter joy.

Now, I can think of two things some may be asking. First, how do you know this isn't some kind of "peak" emotional wave, and the crash will be coming soon? Second, what the hell does this have to do with running games?

I can't be sure that I'm not on some upswing in mood, and that this is somewhat artificial in nature, but I feel like it's a more persistent mood. After all, I realize I have an undercurrent of joy, even when I'm sad, lonely, nervous, or angry. That is, no matter how BAD things appear to be, I have finally deciphered that ephemeral detail that allows me to truly Understand that it's all transient and cyclical. So, I just ride the wave and wait for it all to come back around. I know that sounds REALLY bat-shit crazy, but it's the best way that I can describe it. Take the other night, for example. I had had a pretty good evening, but I got to thinking about some of my close friends no longer being around, for one reason or another, and I began to feel down. Rather than falling into an absolute black funk, I took solace from our times together as I also mourned the lack of new adventures to come, and used my energy to direct myself to bed.

That is absolutely something I never have really done before. Sure, I'd have those melancholy moments, but they tended to be tipping points into real depression and bleak despair. I am taking heart that this change is a sign of things as they will be, if not a sign of how they are becoming.

The second question is not nearly as off-the-wall. All of the rest of this post is an attempt to explain just how I now feel when I run a game. It is fulfilling and enjoyable, even if things don't go exactly as I'd like (for example, I would've really liked to have had a voice last night, so I could try some different voices for the various NPCs the group ran into). I no longer have such a deep-seated feeling that it has to go like X or it was a failure, and that is absolutely tremendous for me.

So, I want to consider what my options are for another game. I could happily plan another D&D 5e game or plan something else. My options are nigh boundless:

• Trust No One, an Eberron adventure that is a followup to Curtain Call*
• Storm King's Thunder, a level 5-10 adventure that spins out of Cloud Giant's Bargain*
• Waterdeep: Dragon Heist, a level 1-5 mini-campaign set in Waterdeep, in the Forgotten Realms
• Sharn: Galifar Heist, a conversion of the previous adventure, customized for Sharn, set in Eberron
• New Bonds and Ancient Quarrels, an adventure set in Nostria for The Dark Eye
• A quickstart adventure for RuneQuest 2e, because I've always wanted to try that system out
• Carrion Crown, a six-part Pathfinder campaign that I've been meaning to run in its entirety for 8 years now
• A1: Assault on Blacktooth Ridge, a level 1 adventure for Castles & Crusades (an OSR that blends d20 with Red Box D&D, and which I borrowed elements of for the night I ran Palace of the Silver Princess)
• Run a game -- be it D&D 5e, The Dark Eye, Castles & Crusades -- and just react to what the players choose; a sandbox.

...and that's just what comes immediately to mind.

So many choices, and I have the delightful task of determining what I'm going to do next. Chances are actually pretty good that I will prep Trust No One, but one of the others is absolutely going to get put on my to-do list. I want to milk this feeling as fully as possible, and if it means I am running a bunch of adventures this year for a diverse mix of players, then I'll take it.

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* - These were the two one-shots I ran in the last month.

..what an oddly appropriate title to the journal entry in which I detail my trip to New York.

As much as I'd love to inundate you with a detailed retelling of the full eight days, I am going to break it up into manageable chunks, because too much of a good thing quickly becomes "TL;DR" instead.

We will start with...

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

While some of this may be suspect due to the passage of time and lack of sleep, I am going to hold that this is the truth.. "from a certain point of view," at any rate.

I slept maybe a couple of hours that night, and woke at 3am instead of the much more reasonable 330am I had intended to use for my alarm. Oddly, from showering to dressing to finalizing packing to breakfast, I was pretty much perfectly on time. This meant, of course, that I'd originally subconsciously intended to rush and hurry to get to the airport. Thank the heavens I didn't give into that temptation.

I arrived, printed my boarding passes, and checked my luggage. Turning toward the TSA security checkpoint, I saw why my tickets said to arrive two hours early: the line to get through security was easily 40 feet long. To their credit, it moved pretty steadily, and soon I was headed toward my departure gate. (NOTE TO SELF FOR FUTURE REFERENCE: Your backpack has two straps, and you are carrying more than a pair of schoolbooks. Put that shit on your back, dork!) I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do at that point, because I was probably at least 30 minutes early for boarding, and I hadn't paid enough for my ticket to qualify for boarding as soon as they announce it.

Fidgeting, I watched the sun rise out of the window by the gate, and even thought to take a picture (which became the first of over 200). I was a good little Facebooker, and kept up photos of my trip, as well as posting updates throughout the day. The drain on my battery was significant, though.

Soon, I was on the plane, and had the entire row to myself! I learned, though, to my embarrassment, that the seat belt wouldn't buckle with me in it. I kept my calm, and kept trying, but finally settled for tucking the ends under my loose t-shirt and acting nonchalant, all the while praying that the plane didn't go down in a fiery ball of death, because I was totally going to get blown FAR away. I might have gotten up and looked more closely at the belt ends, but I didn't want to call attention to it, and I was deathly afraid that I was going to get thrown off the plane, and not get to New York after all, so I shut up.

I departed my first flight in almost thirteen years when we landed in Detroit, Michigan. For those who have never been to the airport in Detroit, let me say that it is BIG. Thankfully, it all seemed to be in a straight line, with plenty of moving sidewalks to help you get from one end to another. I had to pee something fierce, though, so I opted to go to the restroom before making a mad dash for my gate (I was at A9, and my departure gate was A55).

For the second time that morning, I became horribly embarrassed. I tend to prefer stalls to urinals, because I'm rather shy when other people are around. The only unoccupied stall door, though, wouldn't fucking open. So, with a ton of nerd shit in a bag that kept trying to fall off my shoulder, I sidled up to an empty urinal, feeling horribly self-conscious. While I was peeing, my bag slipped off my shoulder twice. When I finally was done, I realized I'd gotten some urine on my shirt tail. Thankfully, it was a black t-shirt, so it didn't show up terribly obviously, but I was self-conscious until much later.

The second leg of the flight wasn't as bad, even though I had to share my row with someone. Thankfully, it was a thin girl. Also, my seat belt fit just fine, which perplexed me, and left me wondering if I really had grabbed the wrong belts before. They came in handy, because the plane came in so fast at Scranton that I thought the tires were going to explode from either the pressure of landing on them, or the speed at which we were slowing down. He also didn't seem to have lined up his landing, as we went from "in the air" to "on the ground" particularly abruptly.

Going down to baggage claim, I saw Ricky and Brittney out of the corner of my eye, and since they were pretending like they didn't know me, I played the game, and even walked around a post they were circling, so that they couldn't find me.

Eventually, they did, and we hugged as only those who truly have missed each other do. We grabbed my suitcase, and headed for his van. The trip back to Endicott was uneventful, except that I was completely blown away at all of the mountains in the region. (It's easy, at times, to forget that the Appalachian Mountains start up in that area.

We went to the Blue Dolphin, where Brandy was working, and had lunch. I had a burger and fries, which were pretty good. The strangest thing for me was that Ricky warned me off ordering the sweet tea, saying that up north, sweet meant "raspberry-flavored".

The food was pretty good, though, because I must have eaten too fast, for I got a horrible bout of gas. I wound up laying down for about an hour when we got back to Ricky's apartment. When I woke, I felt much better, and began to dig into my suitcase for the things I had brought people (an Iron Man shirt for Dakota, the D&D cartoon series on DVD for everyone, and three bottles of Dale's marinade for Brandy).

At that moment, Dakota came bursting in, thrilled beyond words that "Uncle Anthony" was there. He immediately wanted to show me his "Star Wars" room, since I'd sent so much to him. I was certainly impressed, and pleased that my gifts had such an enthusiastic recipient. Not to be outdone, Brittney pointed out all of the Doctor Who stuff in her room (where I was staying while I was in town -- she preferred to sleep on the loveseat anyway).

(I have to admit, it was a surprisingly good feeling to have someone that happy to see me. As adults, we've grown cynical and mistrustful, and so even the most heartfelt greeting has a hint of that cynicism layered underneath. Put another way, no matter how happy someone seems to be to see us, we automatically assume that they can't possibly be as excited as they are acting. With an 11-year-old, though, that cynicism doesn't have much room, particularly when he cites exactly how long it's been since he last saw you, and later extracts a promise that you not wait that long to see everyone again.)

I was asked not long afterward about playing D&D. Well, folks can't play D&D without dice, and I never had time to pick up any sets*. So, Ricky, Dakota, and I piled into the van to get some dice for the kids. We went to "SoundGoRound" in Vestal (literally the other side of the highway from Endicott). Let me tell you about that place. They sold new and used video games and systems, LPs, cassettes, CDs, comics, geek toys, anime DVDs and Blu-Ray, collectible card games, board games, and RPGs (like D&D). I've never seen a store so certain to get most of my discretionary income in my life.

All that was missing was a bookstore section (and I didn't get to check out the whole thing, so I may have missed something). The clerk who ran the RPG/CCG section had the dice by the Magic cards, and Ricky immediately began to ask about those as well as the dice. Eventually, we both left with a pair of preconstructed decks, and a few packs of the newest expansion. Oh, and we got dice (yes, almost as an afterthought).

We stopped by "Price Choppers" on the way home, and spent a little too long shopping. Part of it was because they didn't have a lot of groceries at home (it was time for them to shop anyway), and part of it was that I was taking pictures of the store, so I had some frame of reference for later, should I decide to put in an application and move up there. Those I told that I was considering this probably figured I was just stressed out, and didn't mean it, but I decided that I could do a lot worse than do some very preliminary legwork about moving.

When we got home, there wasn't enough time to play D&D that night. I explained that we would definitely play on Wednesday, bid good night to the kids, and went to sleep myself. At least, I tried to. Going from a room with a constant fan blowing in cool A/C to one that had neither fan nor a reliable source of A/C was significant. It was cool that night (mid-50s), so I made the most of it. Besides, I had too much to do while there to worry with something like sleep!

P.S.: Oh! I almost forgot. My first new beer in New York was Middle Ages Brewing Company's "Sparrow Wit". Good beer, but I wasn't quite in the mood for a witbier (think Blue Moon or Hoegaarden). Regardless, it was a tasty start to my introduction to all New York alcoholic beverages, as well as a nice nightcap before bed.

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* - Sets for them, that is. I have enough dice to fill a large movie theater popcorn bucket. :)

I might've actually posted today, but I got sucked into nerding out regarding a recent meme on Facebook. "What would my class/archetype be if I was a D&D character?" just begged for me to answer in as detailed a manner as possible.

I did it for my friend James. Then, I did it for Cyn. I briefly answered it for Jenna. I did it for Chase, and finished by mentioning something for Craig. Yet, now it's 130am, and I have to go to bed.

Still, though I must head to dreamland now, at least I spent the evening typing out thoughts in my head. That's always a sign of a good day, even when it's gone bad.

This evening, while discussing what direction to take our stalled Pathfinder game (I got serious writer's block when it came time to write the second half of the adventure I was running), I was hit by the uncanny -- and altogether unpleasant -- realization that in seven months the time since our last regular Sunday game will be equal to the entire length of time we played the Sunday game at all.

This saddens me greatly. I'm unsure what to do about it, because we all grow and change and move on. Some got married, like nyminal. Some established careers doing other things, like capedory1181. Some never had time to play, like kheadrin (though I half suspect that our group's constant bickering was a turn-off to his coming on a regular basis). Some have directed their energies in other directions, like lordreaibn. Some quit talking to me, like makeshift_guru or, more recently, strieson.

Despite my fervent desire to have that core group together forever to play kickass D&D games till we're in nursing homes, the damning truth is that we are all different people than we were, even 6 years ago. If I'm honest, we were different people at the end than we were when we started playing in 2000. I can fantasize, though:

• kheadrin, master of inventive role-playing (clever puzzles and engaging NPCs)


• nyminal, sage of rules lawyering (exhaustive knowledge of Shadowrun and a more-than-fair comprehension of D&D)


• strieson, virtuoso of battlefield tactics (thanks to extensive Battletech sessions)


• mfsfreak, champion of subtle, did-not-expect-THAT, characters (the quiet one)


• lordreaibn, ace of expressive storytelling (his stories were ALWAYS enjoyable, even when they weren't related to D&D)


• makeshift_guru, er, guru of Star Wars, and all around creative force (see what I did there? :) )


• Rick, wizard of unrestrained chaos (you could always count on him to stir the pot in a game, kick ass dealing with it, or at least die amusingly as a result)

Others played with us over the years (Charles, Rodney, Allison, Heather, Jason T), but these seven listed above were definitely my "dream team". Oddly, I don't think this lineup ever actually got together to game. Oh! Maybe once, toward the end of lordreaibn's original Stahl campaign. Wait, no. Rick never played in Caeln.

I miss those days. The comaradarie, the laughs, the adventures we shared. It isn't strictly a rose-tinted memory, either. I had some rather rough life issues in that six-and-a-half year span. Those games were my once-a-week escape from the mundanity of life, and to share a common vision of "what if" with kindred souls. Now, it will never be like that again. Even if we were to get together for a game, our approach would be completely different, and sadly, likely incompatible. That is assuming, of course, that we could coordinate a day on which to hold said hypothetical game.

I'm sure I'll be fine later. I was on an Edenbridge (Austrian symphonic metal band) kick tonight, and have listened to their discography in chronological order. What's that got to do with this post? I discovered Edenbridge not long after we started gaming on Sundays, and the early albums were inevitably on heavy rotation back then. That, coupled with my realization, had the effect of reminding me of times long past.

For now, I am going to ready myself for bed, and consider the reality of how life changes everything about us: what we value, how we think, what we say, how we say it, what we choose to do, how we eat, what we drive, where we live, and who we love.

I feel like Something™ wants to worm its way out of my brain, but I don't believe that it will happen tonight. Who knows? The one thing I can say I know for sure, is that nothing is certain.

...not even attempting to slay a monster in Dungeons & Dragons.

This shouldn't take long, but I wanted to write it real quick.

After last night's melancholy post about space, I ran into an old LJ community that my friends and I formed so we could share posts that our gaming group considered relevant. I wound up reading several of the posts, and reminiscing about those old games.

They were plagued with the usual problems, from clashing personalities to bad schedules, but I still look back on them fondly. Every Sunday, like clockwork, I knew that I'd get off work at 1pm and head over to nyminal's place, where I'd sit and game with him, flumpdoria, kheadrin, lordreaibn, makeshift_guru, mfsfreak, and -- as always -- strieson. Obviously, the group makeup changed over time, too. Kheadrin decided to finish school (though I half suspect that he got tired of the rest of us always fighting during the game). Flumpdoria moved to Canada. Nyminal got married and moved to Southaven. Makeshift_Guru kind of fell off the planet.* MFSFreak got a job that required him to work. :) LordReaibn got busy with work and church. Strieson is the only one that I could call, and would show at a moment's notice to play.

Since the demise of the regular Sunday game back in May 2007, I've tried to get the game started back up, with limited success that ranged from "almost but not quite" to "spectacular failure". The closest I got was last year, when the game I was running got put on indefinite hold because I found myself promoted at work. We'd played semi-regularly for a few months. Something was in the air, though, because we destroyed Nyminal's carefully crafted Shadowrun game. My promotion on the tail of that ended the whole shebang.

I've since started running a game on Fridays for a group of people that includes strieson, air_n_darkness, and who folks I'm going to call J and M. It's not a bad game. Having new people helps create a fresh experience. I'm having fun, even. However, part of me misses actually gaming with Nyminal. He and his friend, R, helped make the games on Sunday -- especially at the end -- fun.

To that end, I contacted Nyminal about possibly doing a game on Saturday afternoons, possibly once a month (since I have to work most Saturdays). He was all for it, and I admit that I'm kind of excited about it. This will be the first time, effectively, that I've played a fantasy RPG since 2007, with the exception of some 4e games that LordReaibn ran (he's a great DM, but I do not like the system; I played in maybe 6-8 sessions total). Of course, Strieson was quick to point out that I played in our Friday game when he started it, but I pointed out that was maybe 3 weeks total. :)

So, I'm going to be playing Pathfinder, most likely in a homebrew setting. I'm going to push for the default deities, because that makes life INFINITELY easier. I'm going to consider classes, prestige classes, feats, skills, background, and personality. I'm even going to mention the 800 lb gorilla in the room: how much do we mine from the old 3.x D&D material? Should we keep it Pathfinder only? What about point buy for character builds? I guess I'm going to put together a list of questions for us to discuss when we convene for the first session. Maybe I could create a "group" on Facebook for just that one game, so we can hash out the details ahead of time, and start playing on day one?

Anyway, it's late and I'm working early, so I'm going to bed. Sleep well, all, and don't be afraid to follow your dreams, even the small ones. You never know how it's going to go...

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* - He still lives in Memphis. Maybe the time is coming, sooner rather than later, to see how he is doing, and get him reacquainted with everyone.

This is an interesting one, especially since I've taken something similar in years past, and it's changed. Personally, I see it as more likely that I'd be NG, not N, but it weighted answers, and I was just barely more into neutral. At least I can say I'm not really evil. :)

Oddly, I feel like this wouldn't be a bad choice for the game I'm getting ready to participate in with strieson, capedory1181, Jon, and Rick. I'm gonna pass, though, because Avengers reminded me how badass an archer can be. :)

I Am A: True Neutral Human Druid/Sorcerer (3rd/2nd Level)

Ability Scores:
Strength-13
Dexterity-12
Constitution-12
Intelligence-15
Wisdom-15
Charisma-14

Alignment:
True Neutral A true neutral character does what seems to be a good idea. He doesn't feel strongly one way or the other when it comes to good vs. evil or law vs. chaos. Most true neutral characters exhibit a lack of conviction or bias rather than a commitment to neutrality. Such a character thinks of good as better than evil after all, he would rather have good neighbors and rulers than evil ones. Still, he's not personally committed to upholding good in any abstract or universal way. Some true neutral characters, on the other hand, commit themselves philosophically to neutrality. They see good, evil, law, and chaos as prejudices and dangerous extremes. They advocate the middle way of neutrality as the best, most balanced road in the long run. True neutral is the best alignment you can be because it means you act naturally, without prejudice or compulsion. However, true neutral can be a dangerous alignment when it represents apathy, indifference, and a lack of conviction.

Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.

Primary Class:
Druids gain power not by ruling nature but by being at one with it. They hate the unnatural, including aberrations or undead, and destroy them where possible. Druids receive divine spells from nature, not the gods, and can gain an array of powers as they gain experience, including the ability to take the shapes of animals. The weapons and armor of a druid are restricted by their traditional oaths, not simply training. A druid's Wisdom score should be high, as this determines the maximum spell level that they can cast.

Secondary Class:
Sorcerers are arcane spellcasters who manipulate magic energy with imagination and talent rather than studious discipline. They have no books, no mentors, no theories just raw power that they direct at will. Sorcerers know fewer spells than wizards do and acquire them more slowly, but they can cast individual spells more often and have no need to prepare their incantations ahead of time. Also unlike wizards, sorcerers cannot specialize in a school of magic. Since sorcerers gain their powers without undergoing the years of rigorous study that wizards go through, they have more time to learn fighting skills and are proficient with simple weapons. Charisma is very important for sorcerers; the higher their value in this ability, the higher the spell level they can cast.

Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)

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