I might've actually posted today, but I got sucked into nerding out regarding a recent meme on Facebook. "What would my class/archetype be if I was a D&D character?" just begged for me to answer in as detailed a manner as possible.

I did it for my friend James. Then, I did it for Cyn. I briefly answered it for Jenna. I did it for Chase, and finished by mentioning something for Craig. Yet, now it's 130am, and I have to go to bed.

Still, though I must head to dreamland now, at least I spent the evening typing out thoughts in my head. That's always a sign of a good day, even when it's gone bad.

Das Schwarze Auge...or, The Dark Eye

---

Let me tell you a story. It's not terribly long, but it goes back a fair bit. You see, back in the very early 90s, I would get the latest Advance Comics and Diamond Distribution catalogs, and browse through them. I treated them as a sort of a wish list that I, realistically, never intended on completing. It was in one of those catalogs that I ran across a mention of some very popular German roleplaying game. Later, I was unable to recall the exact name, though I knew I'd remember if I ever saw the trade dress and title. I was fascinated. There was a very popular fantasy RPG other than Dungeons & Dragons?

However, as was often the case with foreign entertainment in the late 80s and early 90s, nothing ever showed up, and I forgot all about it after a while.

Then, in early 2016, I discovered a Kickstarter for something called "The Dark Eye". Reading the description, I learned it was none other than the German RPG I'd heard about all those years ago. Excited, I bought into the Kickstarter at a level that would get me a lot of the goodies and extras, such as spell cards, fate tokens, stickers, bookmarks, a soundtrack CD, and DICE!

I began to tell my friends -- well, and whoever would listen -- about the system (you want 1s on a d20 and lower is better) and setting (one that has only advanced in time in-game the 30 years in real time it has been released). I found it a fun departure from the standard of D&D, yet still familiar enough to offer some kind of starting point to try it. I printed out the Quickstart rules, and tried to show them what it was like. I was extraordinarily unsuccessful. One person got up and wandered off, later claiming that they forgot because they got pulled into a conversation elsewhere in the house, and while the other two seemed to enjoy it (for the most part), their schedules were such that I wasn't sure I'd be able to get them in a game.

Despite being disappointed in the reception, I resolved to continue to explain details; this time, however, I would focus on those elements a certain person liked, and only that person, rather than trying to tell everyone everything about it. For my part, I found myself more ensnared by the ruleset and setting, every time I read more about it.

Last year was disastrous for me from a gaming perspective as well. Nothing we did could get a regular game going, and the lack of anything like a regular game increased my stress level to the point I was beginning to have serious trouble sleeping. As you might have figured, I never did find a quorum for a game.

Fast forward to this evening. Another Kickstarter I had helped fund was the setting book, the Aventuria Almanac, had finally come in. It came with three coasters from prominent taverns in the setting, another die several maps, and a short story set in the world. For a short few minutes, I was all excited about it. Then, I began to think about what games I might run set in that world, and reality settled in again.

If you remember, I'd detailed a situation a couple of weeks back, where my hope to ever get a game going with my current circle of friends evaporated, leaving me a broken, sad man. A friend of mine, being candid because I asked, said that it was because I had no other responsibilities that I wanted a gaming group to play with weekly, and that gaming isn't important enough for most people to set aside time to play.

I still feel that it's no different than poker night or making a point to always shoot hoops with your friends: everyone's enjoyment is dependent upon your attendance. Oh, their enjoyment isn't completely ruined by your missing once, but I feel that there is a social contract when you agree to participate that you will be present more often than you're not.

Regardless, between my seemingly irrational hope for a regular group, plus people's lukewarm (at best) response to the game, I can't generate the energy to even read the books. And the books are GORGEOUS. I figure that I'll eventually want to read them, and when I do, I will enjoy them for their own sake. That day isn't today, though.

For now, I'm going to bed, since I work late tomorrow..

---

P.S. - I'm sure there's something I forgot to mention in here. Hopefully, not too much is missing.

So, in the interest of beating a dead horse, I'm going to talk about anime again today.

You see, I am (re)discovering the unbridled joy that came from watching it, particularly the stuff that I was into when I was in my late teens and early 20s (Ranma 1/2, Tenchi Muyo, Kimagure Orange Road, Macross, Bubblegum Crisis, and similar). Only this time, I don't think I have any fucks to give for anyone who might naysay my choice of pastimes. That's not to say that I was overly worried then, but on my way home, listening to Two-Mix in my car, I found myself saying firmly, "I'm an anime fan. I'm an otaku. I'm a geek. I'm even a metalhead. I do not fear fandom labels, because they're the things I like, and --"

That's when I had to make the left turn, and focused on the oncoming traffic instead. :)

Regardless, though, there was a liberating feeling to that thought, and I liked it. I'm a Star Wars fan. I'm an RPG fan. I'm a gaming (role-playing, board, card, video) fan. I'm a Brandon Sanderson fan. I'm a sci-fi fan. I'm a Game of Thrones fan. I'm a Tolkien fan. I'm a Harry Potter fan. I'm a Marvel Universe fan. I'm also a DC Universe fan. I'm a fan of Neil Gaiman, and am generally in love with the cast of characters from his various books. I'm a music fan. I'm a fan of Iron Maiden. I'm a fan of Nightwish. I'm a fan of Helloween. I'm a fan of Sarah Brightman, Hayley Westenra, Josh Groban, Loreena McKennitt, and Enya.

In some small way, listening to anime music (and watching anime) has reminded me that it's okay to like the things I do, no matter what society has decided is appropriate for someone my age. For gods' sakes, if I was to truly measure myself by society's standards, I really would be planning to end it all, because a car is about the only "grown up" thing I can say I've "accomplished". House? Nope. "Grown-up" job making enough to support my family? Nope. Significant other? Nope. Kids? Absolutely not.

All this from listening to anime soundtrack music? Oddly, yes, more or less. You see, some of this has come from self-reflection since that thought, but the principle still applies. I also want to stress that I'm in no way suddenly "better", and free from my depression and anxiety. First, today was a stressful work day, but I was able to manage it, and I never got overwhelmed. Second, the pragmatic side of me reasons that this could be -- to use older parlance with which I'm at least passingly familiar -- a manic mood, or "high", that's a counterpoint to the abysmal low I was living with last weekend. I suppose that the main thing is that I'm not questioning it.

I'm off Monday. I am going to get up, pick up my Kimagure Orange Road TV box set from the post office, get my brother and take him to replace his cell phone, and then I'm going to run by Best Buy and pick up an external DVD/CD-RW. I considered going for a Blu-Ray drive, but 1) my anime is only DVD, 2) a DVD drive is over half as cheap as the Blu-Ray player, and 3) the Blu-Ray player needed USB 3.0 to run, and I only have one port for that (which is given over to my 1TB HDD, which would run horribly on USB 2.0).

---

P.S.: It doesn't hurt my mood at all, that management has responded to my more resolute and positive outlook by being more positive and understanding. Basically, the worse I'm doing on an emotional and mental level, the less understanding and the more hurtful they get. Yeah, this place does *NOT* deserve my loyalty at all.

Next up: taking stock of what all I have, and weeding out what I don't need/want. However, unlike last time, I'm going to keep it all, but separate it from the main collection. Then, if I still am disinterested in it in, say, six months, then I'll see about selling it.

This is an entry I posted on April 25, 2016. I added it to this journal on April 25, 2017, but backdated it, so it was inline with any other posts I may have made, to better understand my mental state at the time).

ALL GOOD THINGS...
I was off of work today. Much like Peter Gibbons from "Office Space", I spent it doing nothing: sleeping, absentmindedly browsing Facebook, or running Molten Core on my WoW characters to obtain some rare item so I can make a Nifty Thing before my account expires on Sunday. I switched from one thing to the next as the urge struck me, or as I got tired.

This feels like one of the first days off I've had in a while. I can't explain it, since I'm getting my two days a week without fail. In an attempt to explain it, though, I guess it's because I've had Things to Do most of my off days this month. Until this week, Saturday was my one definite day off every week. What is particularly telling is that I can't remember my other days off each of those weeks.

The first two Saturdays of the month saw me trying to wrap up my 13th Age game (which somehow grew into a Real Game™, even though my plan was "fun little bullshit game we do for 2-3 weeks"). Of course, the first of those two sessions were broken up by Justin showing, and a great deal of discussion on matters spiritual. My heart wasn't in it the next week, and it ran longer than I wanted, due in equal parts to the story being longer than I anticipated and because I wasn't able to rein things in and propel the game forward when necessary. To say I was dissatisfied about how that game ended would be an understatement.

The next week was the first session back with Travis's game. We'd had an impromptu party at Jon's the night before, and again had discussions of a spiritual nature to go with our alcohol. We started the game back at level 15, and it was fun, but I realize now that we had one direction to go: into battle, which took up the whole session. Craig participated as a stand-in for Justin, who was feeling under the weather, and we laughed and gamed until we had to call it a night.

This week was Dane's birthday weekend, and my Saturday was supposed to be spoke for all day. However, I'd begun to have trouble sleeping again, and was getting exhausted quite severely during the week. I found my neck and shoulders were in an almost sharp pain at times, I was so tense (this whole thing coincided with the District Front End Coordinator staying on us all week about what we weren't doing right or turning in -- even other CSMs were commenting about it in our group MMS messages). Heck, I'd even gotten used to a near-constant stabbing at my right temple, that only abated when I dozed during my lunch. I had hope that being off from work, and being able to just be around people I liked would help.

The Friday night before Dane's birthday, though (despite spending the evening at the Leaky Cauldron and feeling somewhat recharged), I still had trouble sleeping. Or rather, I had trouble sleeping WELL. I was spending more and more time asleep, but wasn't feeling any better when I woke. I'd wake during the night, and maybe mess around on Facebook for an hour or two, but I was going to bed early enough that a brief interlude in my resting shouldn't have mattered. I woke at 10am, and promptly fell back asleep after I finished breakfast. I woke enough to rouse myself sometime after 11am, which just had me agitated, since I knew I was running late.

I was late trying to get to the place for Laser Tag (after struggling to find clothes I could "get dirty"), and Google Maps misdirected me something fierce. I gave up and came home, only to fall asleep HARD for the next two hours. That should have been a sign. I woke, picked up something for Dane, and grabbed Brian so he could go. We had the most difficult time getting there, because it seemed that every direction I chose to get us there was congested with cars, all the way up to the section of Winchester right before the last major turn. That probably was a sign, too.

We talked and ate and had a good afternoon, which was pretty fun, because it was unstructured and spontaneous and had no purpose besides fellowship. When the discussion turned toward starting the game, I realized I had NO energy. I wasn't just tired, but I was kinda flopped like a rag doll on the couch while people began prepping things like bringing in the table and wiping surfaces down.

I joked about playing from the couch, and was told as long as I "don't fall asleep" there. I *knew* I was going to fall asleep, so I got a chair and sat at the table.
My heart wasn't in the game, from the moment we started back up. First, I couldn't remember what we did the previous week. Then, I knew absolutely NOTHING we could do to overcome the first immediate obstacle. I said something in frustration, and Travis asked if that was in-character, so I decided it was. Turns out, that was something to move the story forward. Despite that, though, I felt my energy draining faster and faster. I tried eating some more dinner (love Julie's potato salad!), and it helped a scant hair, but the lethargy returned.

Finally, I wanted nothing more than to get up and go home, in the middle of a combat round. I wanted no more part of gaming at all. I wanted my bed and at least the hope of 9-10 hours of sleep. I used the bathroom, where I realized it was only going to get even worse. I could have literally fallen asleep in there, sitting on the toilet. I came out and said I was going to pumpkin after combat.

I don't really recall what happened after that, until Brian and I were leaving. My eyes hurt, my neck hurt, my shoulders hurt.. I couldn't make myself feel better. What I do remember is that Brian and I talked about how much work has grown to suck, and we talked from when we left until we pulled into his driveway. I explained how overwhelmed I felt about work, and how I didn't know how to fix things and make it better. Brian vented a bit, too, but I only remember he did, because I can't recall what his specifics were.

I left, and made it home alright, but when I got in, I went STRAIGHT to sleep. It was only around 1am, and I didn't have to get up until 11am for work, but I slept almost all of that, and STILL felt tired when I got up.

Work wasn't quite as bad for me Sunday, so I left feeling not as exhausted, but I still came home and went to bed. And today has been, as I said, off and on sleeping all day. I'm about to go to bed again, and hopefully I'll sleep until I have to get up for work.

My problem is that, in the last week, my stress related to work has ramped up a great deal, and things that were helping to take the edge off, no longer do the trick. Gaming should be my release, but instead, I just can't care about it, especially the idea of my own game. I almost don't even care about Travis's game or Leif's game, for all that I called myself excited about them. I'm short-tempered and miserable. What exacerbates everything is that I just *know* that if I quit the games, I'll get worse.

Between stress related to maintaining my job (so I can afford to live where I do and keep my car), the stress of doing my job (that place is a fucking madhouse at the best of times), and the stress of knowing my lease was coming up (and it was only Thursday that I learned that I'm okay there), I don't really enjoy being at home much, and I *really* don't enjoy being at work. Those few hours where I spend time with Leigh Ann or at the Leaky Cauldron are pretty much the only times I'm not constantly reminded of how much pressure I'm under.

I don't know if I can keep playing, if something doesn't break to relieve me of some of this stress. The spiritual discussions helped, as did fellowship with fellow Norse tradition folks, but it either isn’t enough, or isn’t happening enough. I'm unhappy about it, and I may still head over to sit on the couch and watch (if allowed) or nap as necessary, but I can no longer promise I will play.

I created this journal several years ago (almost 5!), with the express purpose of chronicling my spiritual journey. As I learned more about my path, I figured, I'd update the journal and post my revelations.

That lasted all of a year or so.

In 2012, I had my first crisis of faith, and found myself sliding towards becoming what I would call "an unwilling atheist" -- that is, one who doesn't believe there are gods, but desperately wants to. Just as I want to fly unaided, I also know that it's a physical impossibility, no matter how much I wish it. Over time, I'd swing back and forth between the two extremes of believer (in gods) and atheist. This journal ultimately was effectively abandoned, as wrestling with these questions left me unwilling to put anything down.

So, fast forward to 2016. A friend expressed an interest in getting her online journal going again, and mentioned coming to DreamWidth to "start over". This seemed like good motivation to do the same, myself, because I have been wanting to get back into journaling. I used to post several times a day back on my old LJ, up until I discovered World of Warcraft. Then, as I played through Vanilla and Burning Crusade, my posting frequency plummeted.

What will I post about, now that I have made the conscious decision to start blogging here? I will start to post about spiritual matters again (starting with a "who I am and where I stand" post), but I imagine that I will also post about my D&D/Pathfinder/13th Age/Star Wars RPGs, both current and in development. I will also post about my day from time to time, and even touch on some events from my past, which have come to shape who I am.

My goal right now is one post every other day (on average; so if I do 3 days in a row, I'm off the hook for the next 3).

I will not count this one, but I won't be starting to post until Sunday. Tomorrow is my brother's birthday, and I'm spending it with him. I work Saturday morning, and tentatively have a game that night. I get off at 5pm on Sunday, so I will post then. Right now, I'll plan for that post to be the "state of Anthony as he is in 2016".

Welcome, friends.. let's make this fun.

First come, first served.
Comment on the Facebook post, please, to indicate what you want. Comments here will be ignored.


Blu-Ray ($3)
Immortals 3D

DVD ($1; $5 Season)
Fist of Fire/Touch of Death
The 40-year-old Virgin
City Hunter
Click
Dude, Where's My Car?
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Finding Neverland
Forgetting Sarah Marshall Monika Karni
Guess Who
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
I am Legend Monika Karni
Johnny English
Kill Bill, Part 1 Justin Milam
Kill Bill, Part 2 Justin Milam
Madagascar Justin Milam
Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil
Night at the Museum
Stranger than Fiction Monika Karni
Transformers
Wing Commander
Warriors of Heaven and Earth
(Anime) Kodocha, Vol.1
(Anime) X the movie

The Big Bang Theory, Season 1
Chuck, Season 1
Supernatural, Season 1
Supernatural, Season 2
Supernatural, Season 3
(Anime) Soul Hunter, Complete Collection

RPGs ($10 Hardback; $5 Paperback; $2 Adventure)
d20/3.0/3.5
H - D&D 3.5: Complete Warrior Laura Beth Hinton
H - D&D 3.5: Complete Divine Laura Beth Hinton
H - D&D 3.5: Fiendish Codex I: Hordes of the Abyss Laura Beth Hinton
H - D&D 3.5: Fiendish Codex II: Tyrants of the Nine Hells Laura Beth Hinton
H - D&D 3.5: Tome of Magic Laura Beth Hinton
P - Goodman Games: The Complete Guide to the Fey Laura Beth Hinton
H - Green Ronin: Advanced Bestiary
P - Malhavoc Press: The Book of Eldritch Might
P - Malhavoc Press: The Book of Eldritch Might II: Songs and Souls of Power
P - Malhavoc Press: The Book of Hallowed Might
P - Malhavoc Press: Requiem for a God: An Event Book by Monte Cook
P - Perpetrated Press: Factory: A d20 Compendium of Magical Computers, Robots, and Dweoware
H - Sword & Sorcery: Advanced Player's Guide
H - Sword & Sorcery: The Tome of Horrors

d20/3.0/3.5 Adventures
A - At the Edge of Dreams (Adv)
A - Demon God's Fane (Adv)
A - Fane of the Witch King (Adv)
A - The Last Initiate (Adv)
A - The Treasures of Elbard (Adv)

d20/3.0/3.5 Setting Books H - Arcana Unearthed Core Rulebook
P - Arcana Unearthed DM's Screen and Player's Guide
H - Conan: The Roleplaying Game
H - Iron Heroes Core Rulebook
H - Kingdoms of Kalamar: Friend & Foe: The Elves and Bugbears of Tellene
H - Midnight d20: Campaign Setting
P - Midnight d20: Against the Shadow
P - Midnight d20: Crown of Shadow
P - Midnight d20: Minions of the Shadow

Paizo (d20/Pathfinder)
H - NPC Codex
H - Ultimate Campaign
A - Tower of the Last Baron (Adv)

Other Games
H - D6 Space (West End Games)
P - Bloodshadows: A d6 Adventure Worldbook (West End Games)
P - Classic Battletech RPG: The Battletech Roleplaying Game (Fasa/Fanpro)
P - Eldritch Role-Playing System: Core Rules Book (Goodman Games)
P - GURPS (3e) Basic Set (Steve Jackson Games)
P - GURPS (3e) Compendium I (Steve Jackson Games)
P - GURPS (3e) Special Ops (Steve Jackson Games)
P - GURPS (3e) Supers (Steve Jackson Games)
P - GURPS (3e) Supers: Supertemps - The Employment Agency for Metahumans (Steve Jackson Games)
H - The Marvel Universe Roleplaying Game (Marvel)
H - Serenity Role Playing Game (Margaret Weis Productions) Justin Erik Nichols
P - Serenity RPG: Out in the Black (Margaret Weis Productions) Justin Erik Nichols
H - A Song of Ice and Fire Roleplaying Game (Green Ronin Games) Justin Erik Nichols
H - Werewolf: The Forsaken - Blood of the Wolf (White Wolf)
H - Werewolf: The Forsaken - Hunting Grounds: The Rockies (White Wolf)
H - Werewolf: The Forsaken - Lodges: The Faithful (White Wolf)
H - Werewolf: The Forsaken - Lodges: The Splintered (White Wolf)
H - Werewolf: The Forsaken - Lore of the Forsaken (White Wolf)
H - Werewolf: The Forsaken - Territories (White Wolf)
H - Werewolf: The Forsaken - Storyteller's Screen (White Wolf)

d20/3.0/3.5 Bundles (Items below come together, for the specified price)

$150
Ptolus: City by the Spire (600+ pages; setting)
Ptolus Player's Guide (x4)
Ptolus: The Night of Dissolution (Adv)
Queen of Lies (Adv)

$35
Curse of the Crimson Throne (Pathfinder 7-12)
Curse of the Crimson Throne Map Folio
Curse of the Crimson Throne Player's Guide

$75
Star Wars: Saga Edition (Very rare, oop, hard to find)

Comics/Manga ($5 each)
Fables: The Last Castle
Fables: Legends in Exile (#1)
Fables: Storybook Love (#3)
Fables: March of the Wooden Soldiers (#4)
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, vol.1
Y: The Last Man: Unmanned (#1)
Meridian: Flying Solo (Digest-size; #1)
Meridian: Going to Ground (Digest-size; #2)
Mystic: Rite of Passage (Digest-size; #1)
Sojourn: From the Ashes (Digest-size; #1)

Love Hina vol.1-14 (Complete Run) ($40)
Maison Ikkoku, vol.1
Maison Ikkoku: Welcome Home, vol. 14
Oh My Goddess!: Mara Strikes Back!

Time-Life Books ($1 each)
Myth & Mankind: Celtic: Heroes of the Dawn Leigh Jenkins
Myth & Mankind: Egyptian: The Way to Eternity George Humphries
Myth & Mankind: Greek & Roman: Titans & Olympians George Humphries
Planet Earth: Arid Lands George Humphries
Planet Earth: Atmosphere George Humphries
Planet Earth: Continents in Collision George Humphries
Planet Earth: Earthquake George Humphries
Planet Earth: Edge of the Sea George Humphries
Planet Earth: Flood George Humphries
Planet Earth: Gemstones George Humphries
Planet Earth: Grasslands and Tundra George Humphries
Planet Earth: Noble Metals George Humphries
Planet Earth: Restless Oceans George Humphries
Planet Earth: Rivers and Lakes George Humphries
Planet Earth: Solar System George Humphries
Planet Earth: Storm George Humphries
Planet Earth: Underground Worlds George Humphries
Planet Earth: Volcano George Humphries

Board Game ($3)
Da Vinci's Challenge Monika Karni

Serenity Merchandise
Serenity: The Official Visual Companion ($10)
Serenity: The Official Movie Magazine ($5)
Serenity: The Novelization ($3)

CDs ($2 each)
2nu - Ponderous
Adiemus - Songs of Sanctuary Jack Blackthorn
Bangles - Different Light ($1; case has wax on it)
C+C Music Factory - Gonna Make You Sweat
Delta Nomads - Fully Loaded
Dream Theater - A Change of Seasons George Humphries
Dream Theater - Awake George Humphries
Dream Theater - Falling Into Infinity George Humphries
Celtic Heartbeat - The Celtic Heartbeat Collection Laura Beth Hinton
World Rhythms - Celtic Moods
Celtic Treasure - The Legacy of Turlough O'Carolan
Fear Factory - Obsolete George Humphries
Iron Fire - On the Edge
Ivory Moon - Human Nature
Jewel - Bits and Baubles
Jewel - Spirit
Kim Roberson - Angels in Disguise
Kitty Wells - Country Stars & Stripes
Leann Rimes - You Light Up My Life
Nickelback - All the Right Reasons
Oleander - February Son
Ozzy Osbourne - The Ozzman Cometh Monika Karni
Sarah McLachlan - Afterglow
Spin Doctors - Pocket Full of Kryptonite
Spirit of Eden - The Sun and the Moon and the Stars
Symphony X - The Odyssey (Limited Edition with "Masquerade") George Humphries
Maiden of Mysteries - The Music of Enya, performed by The Taliesin Orchestra
Testament - Practice What You Preach George Humphries
Third Day - Time
Treponem Pal - Higher
Type O Negative - World Coming Down George Humphries
DNA^2 - Original Soundtrack (SonMay)
Love Hina - Spring Special Soundtrack
Love Hina - Hinata Girls Song Best Soundtrack
Marmalade Boy - Original Soundtrack (Ever Anime)
Megumi Hayashibara - Shamrock (Ever Anime)
Megumi Hayashibara - Pulse (SonMay)
Speed - First Live (Ho Son Stereo)

Pewter Gaming Miniatures ($1 each)
RAFM 3720 Fire Dragon Yearling Laura Beth Hinton
RAFM 3720 Fire Dragon Yearling Travis Banderob
RAFM 3725 Forest Dragon Yearling Laura Beth Hinton
Adiken AF 011 Necromancer Travis Banderob
Magic: The Gathering #9132 Nettling Imp George Humphries
Arcana Unearthed 67-009 Male Sibeccai Travis Banderob
Chaz Elliott #5003 Elf Magician Laura Beth Hinton
iKore Celtos 12525 Fir Bolg (open) Travis Banderob
iKore Celtos 12501 Morrigan, Priestess of the Horned God Sterling West
iKore Celtos 12304 Danu, Priestess of the Mother Goddess Travis Banderob
Exalted 61013 Lady of Darkness Travis Banderob
Big Ass Bag of knights and steeds (literally fills a sandwich bag, and weighs about 2-3 lbs) $2 Travis Banderob
Ral Partha - Shadowrun 20-512 Toxic Spirits 5 pcs (open) Tom Williams
Ral Partha - Shadowrun 20-551 Blood Mages 4pcs Tom Williams
Ral Partha - Shadowrun 20-506 Street Mages 4pcs Tom Williams
Ral Partha - Shadowrun 20-503 Mages 3 pcs Tom Williams
Ral Partha - Shadowrun 20-589 Lofwyr 9pcs Travis Banderob
Ral Partha - Shadowrun 20-589 Lofwyr 9pcs Tom Williams
Ral Partha - Shadowrun 20-585 Dunklezahn 9pcs Tom Williams

Mythology & Folklore Books ($3)
King Arthur and his Knights, by Sir James Knowles Leigh Jenkins
Egyptian Legends and Stories, by M.V. Seton-Williams George Humphries

Fiction ($5 hardback; $2 paperback)
Daughter of the Blood, by Anne Bishop (never read)
Big Trouble, by Dave Barry
Fragment, by Warren Fahy
Gardens of the Moon, by Steven Erikson (never read)
The Wayfarer Redemption, by Sara Douglass (never read)
Sir Apropos of Nothing, by Peter David
Knight Life, by Peter David
Daggerspell, by Katherine Kerr
Loamhedge, by Brian Jacques
Myrren's Gift, by Fiona McIntosh
Wizard's First Rule, by Terry Goodkind
Stone of Tears, by Terry Goodkind
Soul of the Fire, by Terry Goodkind
The Painter Knight, by Fiona Patton
To Ride Pegasus, by Anne McAffrey
The Dragonbone Chair, by Tad Williams
A Caress of Twilight, by Laurell K. Hamilton
A Kiss of Shadows, by Laurell K. Hamilton
The Ring of Five Dragons, by Eric van Lustbader
Conquistador, by S. M. Stirling
Timeline, by Michael Crichton (Hardback)
Shadowplay, by Tad Williams (Hardback)
Otherland, Vol.4: Sea of Silver Light, by Tad Williams (Hardback)
Wicked, by Gregory Maguire (Trade Paperback; $4)
A Stroke of Midnight, by Laurell K. Hamilton (Hardback)

Spirituality & Philosophy Books ($5)
Celtic Moon Signs, by Helena Paterson Sterling West
Northern Lore, by Eoghan Odinsson Jen Turner
Northern Mysteries & Magick, by Freya Aswynn Jen Turner
Brothers of the Sun: Pagan Men Mysteries, by Rev. Terry Riley Held by Jack Blackthorn (Pending)
Drawing Down the Moon, by Margor Adler
Njal's Saga, or the Story of Burnt Njal, translated by Sir George Webbe Dasent
Game of Thrones & Philosophy: Logic Cuts Deeper than Swords, by William Irwin
Star Wars & Philosophy: More Powerful than you Can Possibly Imagine, by William Irwin George Humphries
The Sayings of Confucius (Barnes & Noble edition)

...since my last post here. I only did two posts over on my Dreamwidth in that time, either. I had to recover my passwords for both accounts, too.

Of course, I spent so long doing that, I can do little else but post that I'm posting, and go to bed. Tomorrow is Schedule Day™.

I have been in a state of spiritual turmoil for most of the last two years. From 2010 until the middle of 2012, I felt rather satisfied that I was on the path I was meant to walk, and it was called Asatru. Some practices, such as the average Asatru follower's obsession with war and battle and getting into Valhalla, didn't quite fit, but I told myself that I'd learn to like them (more or less).

In the middle of 2012, though, I began walking a path that relied far too heavily upon what someone else told me was truth. The house of cards I'd built for my spirituality crumbled completely when I watched the second episode of the new Doctor Who run, in which the Doctor and Rose went to the literal end of the earch (the sun was about to consume it). I was forced to reconcile the idea of a god that could exist independent of the world on which it was created and found myself in such spiritually dangerous territory, that neither my Asatru mentor nor the new person could satisfy me. Ultimately, I buried my discomfort, because I wanted to return to how I felt before that revelation.

Months went by, where I was back to a nominal Asatru position, but the problem was still there. At Yule, it came to a head, and I walked out of my inter-faith coven/kindred/study group thing, and never went back. I even had people I'd known for years never speak to me again after that.

My carefully constructed facade crumbled again in early 2013, and I declared that I was an atheist instead. My spirit-brother disagreed, though, and said that wasn't for me. I hoped he was right, but I was still looking for some validation and verification for what I felt inside. I quit talking to the new person from 2012 for a few months. I did so mainly because I blamed her for my problems, but she was only evidence of the issue, not its cause.

I patched things up with her later, but I never quite found my pre-2012 spiritual footing again. I'd begun following some atheist Twitter accounts and Facebook groups, and when I saw things they posted, I was taken back to my feelings when watching that episode of Doctor Who.

I tried what I could bring myself to do (and not feel stupid with my new-found skepticism), such as lighting candles to Freyja, giving libations to Her, Her brother, and the other Aesir with whom I connected. (This touches on my obsession with having a "patron" God and Goddess, and how *THAT* negatively affected me even when the rest of my spiritual journey was on sure footing.) I have recently even begun wearing my hammer again, even though I no longer feel any kind of thrill when I put it on.

...and there you have it. I am trapped in a purgatory between full atheism and a wholly spiritual life with the Norse gods. I struggle with how to balance worshipping Them with utilizing my scientific skepticism, while trying to grow spiritually/mentally/emotionally/physically in an increastingly volatile world.

Recently, I've felt little nudges here and there. I don't know what to call them, and I am making a point to say that I am okay with that. These nudges are causing me to evaluate my spiritual choices for the last two years. I am starting over, in order to better examine these nudges. I am a pagan, at least insofar as I am a non-Christian earth worshipper. I place no burden or expectation on myself past that.

First thing on my To-Do List? Reading "Living with a Wild God", because my sister highly recommended it, and because she feels it might help me in my current frame of mind.

I anticipate posting my observations in here as I read through the book. I hope to have something of a solid foundation established by June 21, because I'd been feeling like that's an important date for about a month now. Wish me luck!

[Reposting from my WordPress (which is, itself, in a state of disuse, but that's neither here nor there for this post's purpose), as it occurs to me now, that this is a better forum for such a post. Don't skewer me too deeply on the content. I haven't completely reread it, and my bed is calling me back to dally away the early morning.

As of April 2017, moved to coincide with the date I actually wrote the entry.]

In Love with the Darkness
(originally posted March 12, 2014)

Last night, I watched "Mirror, Mirror", the 2012 movie about Snow White that starred Julia Roberts. During the ending credits, I was immediately taken by the song "I Believe in Love", sung by Snow White's actress, Lily Collins.

I hopped on iTunes, downloaded it to my iPhone, and began to loop it. For nearly an hour, from around 3-430 or so, I danced willy-nilly around my apartment. I am grateful for the ground floor unit for that reason. I felt almost trance-like when I was singing along with the chorus in my head: "I believe, I believe, I believe..." Twelve times before it said "in love". Listening to that song, fresh from watching the movie with an actress whose costuming and appearance are so closely connected to what I want to find in a soulmate, I almost felt like I was chanting an affirmation to Freyja that I had not given up on finding that love.

This feeling was so strong, that I actually lit my candles and turned off my artificial lights, and continued to dance, flail, spin, lip sync, sway, and step in time to the song. I looped it so many times, I literally lost count. I had poured an offering of Innis & Gunn beer as an offering to Heimdall, to watch over the mother of a friend. Partway through the dancing, I got the mental nudge/urge to share my Angry Orchard Elderflower Cider with Freyja. Grabbing a margarita goblet, I filled it up and placed it on my Freyja altar. I then gave myself up completely to the music and moment for almost an hour.

I finally began to wind down, and snuffed the candles on my Freyja altar (in my living room), and retreated to my bedroom, where my main altar was still lit. After a few more repetitions, I snuffed those candles and went to sleep.

I had no moments of startling clarity or insight. I just felt like I was supposed to be up and dancing/moving, and I felt like I was supposed to share the cider with Her. Does that make my experience less sincere or valid? Was I assuming it was Freyja, when it might have been some other deity? I often get hung up on questions like this. I have a problem with worrying that my path is "proper" or "valid" or even "real".

After talking to Kendra last week, I feel much better about my path not being quite a perfect fit for the name I use for it: Asatru/Heathen. Yet, when I have these moments that don't seem to appear in any kind of documented lore, I worry that I'm "doing it wrong."

If I am not "doing it wrong" (and I honestly am willing to accept that I'm not, even as I have to adjust my mind to that belief), then what did last night mean? It was such a surreal experience. I went to bed physically worn out and content mentally, yet I never really got the sensation that I truly grasped what it was I was supposed to. I felt some kind of close connection, but my own self-doubt and fears and skepticism kept me from identifying it more closely.

Thanks for reading. I am trying something new with this post: I'm posting it to Facebook under my "Pagan Friendly" filter, so those who know me there can view it too, if they wish. I'm not fishing for answers. I just feel that I should be sharing this, and I hate Facebook notes.