I lost some time once...

Three.

In the last month, I have run three D&D games. The last two sessions were the same adventure for different groups, but I have run three games. I haven't had this much fun doing this in a considerable count of years. I am already brainstorming what I want to study and prepare for my next game. Sure, I am running "one-shots" rather than a campaign, but I am still running something, and I had little to no idea just how much that mattered to me.

You see, the last time I ran a game where I wasn't exhausted mentally or physically, or one where I wasn't walking into the session doubting my ability to run a game, was very likely long enough ago that W was still president. Seriously, I think the last time I had such unqualified fun running a game might have been Silver Marches, which I ran from 2002-3. I'm willing to consider the times in 2018 in which I ran some actual Red Box D&D, particularly the night I ran Palace of the Silver Princess, to be very similar as well, but only these three recent sessions really tapped that sheer unbridled joy of creating a story and watching my players react to what I unfolded.

I feel grounded and strangely fulfilled. It even carries over to my regular life. While this feeling and mindset is probably intrinsic to my new worldview of deity and who/what I revere, I am elated for that feeling to begin to carry through to other areas of my life. I can't say that I'm giddy or riding some kind of high, either. I've had moments where I've been angry, sad, frustrated, and irritated, but they don't seem to own me. In a less metaphysical sense, you might say that I finally got out of my own way, and allowed myself to truly encounter joy.

Now, I can think of two things some may be asking. First, how do you know this isn't some kind of "peak" emotional wave, and the crash will be coming soon? Second, what the hell does this have to do with running games?

I can't be sure that I'm not on some upswing in mood, and that this is somewhat artificial in nature, but I feel like it's a more persistent mood. After all, I realize I have an undercurrent of joy, even when I'm sad, lonely, nervous, or angry. That is, no matter how BAD things appear to be, I have finally deciphered that ephemeral detail that allows me to truly Understand that it's all transient and cyclical. So, I just ride the wave and wait for it all to come back around. I know that sounds REALLY bat-shit crazy, but it's the best way that I can describe it. Take the other night, for example. I had had a pretty good evening, but I got to thinking about some of my close friends no longer being around, for one reason or another, and I began to feel down. Rather than falling into an absolute black funk, I took solace from our times together as I also mourned the lack of new adventures to come, and used my energy to direct myself to bed.

That is absolutely something I never have really done before. Sure, I'd have those melancholy moments, but they tended to be tipping points into real depression and bleak despair. I am taking heart that this change is a sign of things as they will be, if not a sign of how they are becoming.

The second question is not nearly as off-the-wall. All of the rest of this post is an attempt to explain just how I now feel when I run a game. It is fulfilling and enjoyable, even if things don't go exactly as I'd like (for example, I would've really liked to have had a voice last night, so I could try some different voices for the various NPCs the group ran into). I no longer have such a deep-seated feeling that it has to go like X or it was a failure, and that is absolutely tremendous for me.

So, I want to consider what my options are for another game. I could happily plan another D&D 5e game or plan something else. My options are nigh boundless:

• Trust No One, an Eberron adventure that is a followup to Curtain Call*
• Storm King's Thunder, a level 5-10 adventure that spins out of Cloud Giant's Bargain*
• Waterdeep: Dragon Heist, a level 1-5 mini-campaign set in Waterdeep, in the Forgotten Realms
• Sharn: Galifar Heist, a conversion of the previous adventure, customized for Sharn, set in Eberron
• New Bonds and Ancient Quarrels, an adventure set in Nostria for The Dark Eye
• A quickstart adventure for RuneQuest 2e, because I've always wanted to try that system out
• Carrion Crown, a six-part Pathfinder campaign that I've been meaning to run in its entirety for 8 years now
• A1: Assault on Blacktooth Ridge, a level 1 adventure for Castles & Crusades (an OSR that blends d20 with Red Box D&D, and which I borrowed elements of for the night I ran Palace of the Silver Princess)
• Run a game -- be it D&D 5e, The Dark Eye, Castles & Crusades -- and just react to what the players choose; a sandbox.

...and that's just what comes immediately to mind.

So many choices, and I have the delightful task of determining what I'm going to do next. Chances are actually pretty good that I will prep Trust No One, but one of the others is absolutely going to get put on my to-do list. I want to milk this feeling as fully as possible, and if it means I am running a bunch of adventures this year for a diverse mix of players, then I'll take it.

---

* - These were the two one-shots I ran in the last month.

I worked until 11pm tonight, and by all rights I should be in bed, given that I have to be back at work in the morning at 930am. However, thanks to the storm named Lee, the temperature outside is absolutely delicious. The breeze stirs my wind chimes, and gently nips at my toes, promising that soon the heat will be gone for a season.

It's at times like this that I feel truly at peace. It's cool enough that the world snuggles down to slumber a bit deeper, but not so cold that the world has to fight to stay warm. When I inhale, I just feel clean. Clean air. Clean earth. Clean everything. Oh, it may not be all that clean, since I do live in the city, but this feeling reminds me of good times.

• It reminds me of those nights in 2004, when I would sit in the backyard at my parents' house, listening to (personally) inspirational music, writing in a journal with a pen, using the full moon for light.
  


• It reminds me of being at Festival of Souls last October, when the chill in the air was cutting, but being in that sacred space with so many like-minded people was just comforting. The one night I got to stay, I remember sneaking out of my cabin at 4am, and just quietly smoking while looking out at Piersol Lake itself. The whole campground was quiet, at least out by the cabins, and I could feel the joyful energy suffusing everything. Maybe that was just me, but that's how I felt.
  


• It also reminds me of times I don't specifically recall. When I first began doing research into pagan traditions (Wicca mostly at first), it was around October of 2002, and every morning felt magical to me. I'd listen to Blackmore's Night or Loreena McKennitt and just connect with the world itself, unchained from the notion of "having a path" or "having religion." I was simply more aware of the world as a living entity than I ever had before, and I think that I formed my connection with the Earth then. Whether or not I've listened since, I believe that it was those crisp mornings when I came closest in my life to finding that spark of divinity that I so long to touch.

What I find most intriguing about this cooler time of year is that I am more inspired and more open than at any other time of year, almost as if Autumn was the season I should have been born in, rather than the middle of winter in January. I feel alive. I feel as if I have but to attempt something, and I will accomplish it.

Life has been hard for me. I've belabored the reasons in other posts. Life has also been good to me. I don't belabor those reasons enough. I may be overweight, but I have most of my health, and my weight isn't unmanageable. I may be alone, but I have people in my life who care enough about me to check in with me when I've been quiet too long. I may be poor, but I can provide for myself. I may be more timid than I like, but I can muster determination when it's truly necessary. I may work at a grocery store instead of in an office environment, but I've had my job for nearly 17 years, and I'm finally close to being able to make the step into department management. I may not have all the glory that I see others attain, but I also know that the humility I have serves me far better than the glory would. Autumn reminds me of these things.

I don't claim that the following poem is any good. It literally came to me while I was composing this post. Yet, I enjoyed writing it, so that's enough for me. I could tweak it to rhyme more, but it paints the picture I desire.

( An Autumn Evening )

I'd begun working on a post about my evening, that even had a nice length to it, but inadvertently closed the window before I could post it or save it as a draft. (I was simply editing a catagory to put it into... that'll teach me. :( )

Long story short, I didn't sleep much last night, came home tired, went to bed early. I woke up around 8pm, talked to driver88junkie a bit, and wasted a couple of hours on Cracked.com. When I was ready to go to sleep, I found I was too hot, so I moved my fan, which lead from one thing to the next, until I had moved an end table in my living room to accomodate my hardy plant. It now as a perch by the window, instead of being on the floor. I also thought of a few other things I could do to redecorate my living room, without touching the things on the walls.

Now, I will go inside and likely get about 4 hours of sleep. I'll wish I had gotten more, and my day will hopefully start calmly enough, like Sundays generally do.

I might take a nap when I get home, because I am beginning to notice that I feel most creative when I first wake up. I don't know if that sounds strange or normal, and I don't care. :) I want desperately to get back to writing on a regular basis, and I want to write more than just blog posts that no one ever seems to read. Even if no one reads my prose or poetry, I feel a growing NEED to put my thoughts for stories and such into print on a screen, or on paper. This laptop facilitates my desire to do so, because I'm not bound at that bulky desk; currently, I'm outside, enjoying the decently temperate evening.

Well, I feel weariness finally creeping back into my bones, and my eyelids are asking me to shut them for a few hours, so I'm going to oblige them and hope that I dream something really wonderful.

I worked 2-11 today (yestrerday as of this writing), and the day actually went rather well. I was honestly surprised I was in such a good mood for work, given that I spent a great deal of time in the register. Shanita was the evening supervisor and, despite what one would think, she facilitated my work that night, even as I was constantly helping on the front. Score one for me. :)

I borrowed "The Social Network" from Seleena tonight, and it was a great movie. I do not know if I'd want to watch it again, but I'm glad that I got a chance to watch it at least this once. ;) Heck, that's why i'm still up now. It ended only about 30 minutes ago.

I've been giving some thought to the game I've been running since moving into my apartment. It's gone slowly, but it's gone moderately well. I'm about to pass the GMing reins over to nyminal for a while, and enjoy some Shadworun gaming, while I work on the next leg of my campaign. The Carrion Crown adventure path from Paizo has some serious potential to be a memorable horror campaign in the gothic style, and I want to use the time I have to make that a reality.

Having this laptop helps a great deal. I can plan ahead for combat, and use Excel for tracking inititative and hit points of the enemies that they're fighting. I can use Acrobat to display the maps/adventure notes/player handouts. Also, I can more easily control the music playing in my gaming playlist. I admit that I'm toying with finding a digital die roller for Windows, so that I only need my books for the game.

Well, it's late, and my day actually begins early tomorrow. I am going to be picking up strieson, running a couple of errands, and coming back to the apartment to play some Magic and work on his Shadowrun character. Sometime during the day, I am going to give titus_the_mage's wife a ride to work. Also, there's a chance that una_con_laluna and marius_98 might be stopping by. I also want to vacuum my apartment and get my clothes folded and put away. Should be fun.

Until next we meet..