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Today, I attended Summerland Grove's July church meeting, which was the third anniversary of the first time I attended the pagan church. Sadly, I was tired enough that I didn't think about that detail while I was there, but it's noteworthy nonetheless.
The topic for today's discussion was "patron deities". We didn't discuss much, but there was enough discussion that I heard the idea repeated that a patron deity is like a parent figure.
...parent figure?
I was a little too self-conscious to ask the question in the group, but "is that it?" Can that be the only possibility? A great deal of why I feel so much more solidly on my path this time was that I accepted that Freyja was my patron, but I also know that I don't look at her as a parental figure.
For twenty years now, I've dreamed of a beautiful girl. Months, and sometimes years, would go by without an appearance by her, but when she appeared, I always knew it was her. The first time, I went to a lodge that felt like it was someplace very important. Another time, I stepped into a room similar to a newpaper editor's office, and the dream went on without me while I spent time talking to my dream girl. Sporadically, I have been in a love affair with a woman unlike any I've ever met waking.
Well, the hypothesis that my dream girl is Freyja rings true in my head, and I embrace the idea wholeheartedly. Yet, how can she be a parent figure *and* my dream girl?
This conflict is seriously bugging me, and scares me a little bit. Am I investing too much into Freyja, because she isn't for me as a patron, or have I drastically misunderstood the nature of our relationship? The idea that my dream girl is just a fantasy upsets me every time I consider it. If Freyja isn't my dream girl, then who is?
The topic for today's discussion was "patron deities". We didn't discuss much, but there was enough discussion that I heard the idea repeated that a patron deity is like a parent figure.
...parent figure?
I was a little too self-conscious to ask the question in the group, but "is that it?" Can that be the only possibility? A great deal of why I feel so much more solidly on my path this time was that I accepted that Freyja was my patron, but I also know that I don't look at her as a parental figure.
For twenty years now, I've dreamed of a beautiful girl. Months, and sometimes years, would go by without an appearance by her, but when she appeared, I always knew it was her. The first time, I went to a lodge that felt like it was someplace very important. Another time, I stepped into a room similar to a newpaper editor's office, and the dream went on without me while I spent time talking to my dream girl. Sporadically, I have been in a love affair with a woman unlike any I've ever met waking.
Well, the hypothesis that my dream girl is Freyja rings true in my head, and I embrace the idea wholeheartedly. Yet, how can she be a parent figure *and* my dream girl?
This conflict is seriously bugging me, and scares me a little bit. Am I investing too much into Freyja, because she isn't for me as a patron, or have I drastically misunderstood the nature of our relationship? The idea that my dream girl is just a fantasy upsets me every time I consider it. If Freyja isn't my dream girl, then who is?
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Also, I feel a great deal of frustration at times when I am trying to figure out what our relationship is. Like I know it, but am refusing to answer it, and not finding out is driving me crazy.
What is it about Freyja that makes her "an interesting nut"?
The frustration almost feels like what one would feel when you almost know the answer. It settles into my chest as a knot, and I find myself almost willing to cry over the lack of understanding.
When I let it go, or am not thinking of that, then I am not worried about it.