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It has been a long, long time since I last posted in this journal. Yet, tonight, I am compelled to record an entry.
In the.. *checks* 18 months since I last posted, my spirituality has undergone a surprising amount of maturation and metamorphosis.
When I last posted in here, I was convinced that I was on the way to becoming a minister for Summerland Grove Pagan Church. I had settled myself upon a path that was definitely Heathen. I was living alone and was finally beginning to feel like I had things figured out.
...I also was starting a new job as a Customer Service Manager for a major grocery retailer. That affected me in ways I could not expect, and won't get into tonight.
In the last 18 months, I also found another person that I could ask for insights and help regarding my path. However, I also found that this same person was not the teacher I had assumed, and I had no choice but to move on (and that's all I'm going to say about that).
At the beginning of this year, I found myself in an absolutely alien, yet strangely familiar, position: I could best describe my path as "humanist" or "atheist". I wasn't depressed or angry, and I found that I valued the words of those such as Carl Sagan, Bill Nye, or Neil Tyson far more than any words of spirituality from one of my many books on paganism. I took down all of the pagan trappings in my home, and boxed them up in my closet.
To confuse matters further, though, I also went to our local spiritual supply house, and bought six candles. Three were for my existing Norse deities (Freyja, Odin, and Thor). The other three, however, were for Celtic deities I'd acknowledged, and paid tribute to, but never considered seriously (Aine, Brigid, and the Morrigan). I put these candles in my closet, and forgot about them for almost a month.
Then, I got them out, unpacked some of my altar trappings, and set up a small, mini-altar in my room. I did this very quietly, because it felt like the proper thing to do. I wouldn't even put a name on what I was doing. I just decided that doing so felt good. I left my horn and my hammer put away.
So, I'm in a curious crossroads. On the one hand, I am happily a humanist who values logic, reason, science, and fact. On the other, I feel that there is some kind of spirituality there for me, but it could be that it doesn't conform to anything I've come to expect. My first-sister, Jun, suggested that my spirituality might very well be for the universe itself, and that logic, reason, and fact are ways I show my devotion. Actually, she didn't say that last part, but it sure feels like how it'd work.
So, to sum it up:
Addendum to those things which spiritually motivate me: Storms. Regardless of strength, I find storms to be so absolutely breathtakingly spiritual that I would go out more often, if my neighbors wouldn't think I was insane. :)
In the.. *checks* 18 months since I last posted, my spirituality has undergone a surprising amount of maturation and metamorphosis.
When I last posted in here, I was convinced that I was on the way to becoming a minister for Summerland Grove Pagan Church. I had settled myself upon a path that was definitely Heathen. I was living alone and was finally beginning to feel like I had things figured out.
...I also was starting a new job as a Customer Service Manager for a major grocery retailer. That affected me in ways I could not expect, and won't get into tonight.
In the last 18 months, I also found another person that I could ask for insights and help regarding my path. However, I also found that this same person was not the teacher I had assumed, and I had no choice but to move on (and that's all I'm going to say about that).
At the beginning of this year, I found myself in an absolutely alien, yet strangely familiar, position: I could best describe my path as "humanist" or "atheist". I wasn't depressed or angry, and I found that I valued the words of those such as Carl Sagan, Bill Nye, or Neil Tyson far more than any words of spirituality from one of my many books on paganism. I took down all of the pagan trappings in my home, and boxed them up in my closet.
To confuse matters further, though, I also went to our local spiritual supply house, and bought six candles. Three were for my existing Norse deities (Freyja, Odin, and Thor). The other three, however, were for Celtic deities I'd acknowledged, and paid tribute to, but never considered seriously (Aine, Brigid, and the Morrigan). I put these candles in my closet, and forgot about them for almost a month.
Then, I got them out, unpacked some of my altar trappings, and set up a small, mini-altar in my room. I did this very quietly, because it felt like the proper thing to do. I wouldn't even put a name on what I was doing. I just decided that doing so felt good. I left my horn and my hammer put away.
So, I'm in a curious crossroads. On the one hand, I am happily a humanist who values logic, reason, science, and fact. On the other, I feel that there is some kind of spirituality there for me, but it could be that it doesn't conform to anything I've come to expect. My first-sister, Jun, suggested that my spirituality might very well be for the universe itself, and that logic, reason, and fact are ways I show my devotion. Actually, she didn't say that last part, but it sure feels like how it'd work.
So, to sum it up:
- I no longer identify as pagan currently.
- I don't yet identify as atheist/humanist.
- I no longer feel that the Norse deities, particularly Odin, Frigga, Freyja, Freyr, Thor, and Heimdall, are the best fit for me now. (Interesting choice for word instead of "anymore".)
- I have felt a pull from the Celtic deities, particularly Aine, Brigid, and the Morrigan (as Macha, Anu, Badb), but still am unsure if they are the best fit for me, either.
- Space/the Cosmos/the Universe, Logic/Reason/Fact, Science, and Music (of all things) are the things that motivate me in ways that are closest to the way I felt when I was a practicing pagan. Yet, they do not have deity associations, which confuses the issue for me.
- I have a small mini-altar up with both Norse and Celtic deities.
Addendum to those things which spiritually motivate me: Storms. Regardless of strength, I find storms to be so absolutely breathtakingly spiritual that I would go out more often, if my neighbors wouldn't think I was insane. :)
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