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I wish I understood just what the hell I have done to my spirituality.
I woke yesterday morning with a distinct feeling of being part of something bigger. I rose, lit my candles and oil burner, and pulled the sheets off my bed to wash. I didn't quite feel that connection, but I felt close to it, and I definitely was invigorated while I got things done.
Then Matt showed up, and Brian soon after. The three of us had a good time, talking and laughing about miscellaneous stuff. We got the idea to roll Grimm characters* so I could run them in a simple mini-game while our regular game was on hiatus for the week, due to a player being out of town and the GM visiting his nieces.
We went out for dinner with Leigh Ann and her friend. We came back and settled in to play, which we did until around 11pm. We were getting distracted more and more, and I gave them too many options, and they dug an epic hole for me. I finally confessed that I had no idea how to get them out of this in one game, and suggested that we save it for another day.
We sat around and talked for a while then, and the conversation turned to religion. Deism was brought up, and how it worked. A comment about "what atheists believe" was mentioned, and Brian looked uncomfortable. He suggested that belief and faith were synonymous. However, I quickly countered that atheists believe "in what they can see, in science, in logic." Further, I said that belief and faith WERE distinct, even if they were closely related.
That kinda shut down the conversation, and it bugged me. Brian started dozing off on the couch, and eventually left. Matt followed suit immediately thereafter. I noticed that Brian simply offered me his hand, despite the fact that we have been hugging hello and goodbye for quite some time now. I figured that I must have upset him with my rebuttal, and texted an apology. He said that it was because he wasn't sure how I felt about a hug.
...what?
I understand that I have issues with touch with one person in particular, and that I tend to be somewhat standoffish in general, but THAT issue is borne out of an assumption/desire for more from the other party, while folks like Brian, Rick, and Charles are people that I trust, and who have earned my trust. His reply struck me as a sign that SOMETHING had now come between us. I indicated that he was one of my best friends, regardless of what I did or did not believe. How did he reply?
"Cool."
I understand that he was tired, and I reminded myself of this. However, I was tired, too, and it felt somewhat like a brushoff, especially after my comment. The only thing that was going through my head at this point was that I'd overshared, and I am NOT as close of a friend to him as he is to me.
This led me to a very unhappy self-examination, brought on in part because of my weariness. Despite my day starting spiritually, though in a shaky and purposefully undefined way, it ended with me all but vehemently defending atheism against one of the people I most respect. I don't want to be an atheist. I want to believe that something started all of this. To imagine that all of this spontaneously spun out of nothing, with NO outside intervention, bothers me so innately that it gives me a headache to dissect it too far**.
On the other hand, there are things I'm seemingly expected to accept when I am following a spiritual/religious path, like magic (I believe it's there, but good gods, I don't believe that humans can manipulate it the way some claim to), Travelling (No... Just no), that the gods made the world (take your pick of pantheon or solo), that those gods/God can touch and affect the physical world and for some reason want to, that what I am doing is clearly far more important than another follower on the other side of the planet, that the gods/God somehow knows all things at once and willingly carries it out for all, that there's a divine plan. So many conflicts of logic, and I'm expected to buy into many, if not all, of them?
I have got to find some kind of balance between my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual sides, before I come unravelled.
* - Think D&D meets fairy tales, with the heroes being KIDS. It's massively entertaining. I'd imagine it'd be even MORE fun if I remembered all the rules (9 years is a long time).
** - Though, Newton's Laws of Motion actually tend to justify a higher power to me, as the idea of the Big Bang happening spontaneously seems to go against these Laws. You could delve deeper, and suggest that we are in some unknown iteration of the universe, and that the old universe collapsing was the external force for this universe. However, Hawking has refuted that as a possibility. I might have to do some reading.
I woke yesterday morning with a distinct feeling of being part of something bigger. I rose, lit my candles and oil burner, and pulled the sheets off my bed to wash. I didn't quite feel that connection, but I felt close to it, and I definitely was invigorated while I got things done.
Then Matt showed up, and Brian soon after. The three of us had a good time, talking and laughing about miscellaneous stuff. We got the idea to roll Grimm characters* so I could run them in a simple mini-game while our regular game was on hiatus for the week, due to a player being out of town and the GM visiting his nieces.
We went out for dinner with Leigh Ann and her friend. We came back and settled in to play, which we did until around 11pm. We were getting distracted more and more, and I gave them too many options, and they dug an epic hole for me. I finally confessed that I had no idea how to get them out of this in one game, and suggested that we save it for another day.
We sat around and talked for a while then, and the conversation turned to religion. Deism was brought up, and how it worked. A comment about "what atheists believe" was mentioned, and Brian looked uncomfortable. He suggested that belief and faith were synonymous. However, I quickly countered that atheists believe "in what they can see, in science, in logic." Further, I said that belief and faith WERE distinct, even if they were closely related.
That kinda shut down the conversation, and it bugged me. Brian started dozing off on the couch, and eventually left. Matt followed suit immediately thereafter. I noticed that Brian simply offered me his hand, despite the fact that we have been hugging hello and goodbye for quite some time now. I figured that I must have upset him with my rebuttal, and texted an apology. He said that it was because he wasn't sure how I felt about a hug.
...what?
I understand that I have issues with touch with one person in particular, and that I tend to be somewhat standoffish in general, but THAT issue is borne out of an assumption/desire for more from the other party, while folks like Brian, Rick, and Charles are people that I trust, and who have earned my trust. His reply struck me as a sign that SOMETHING had now come between us. I indicated that he was one of my best friends, regardless of what I did or did not believe. How did he reply?
"Cool."
I understand that he was tired, and I reminded myself of this. However, I was tired, too, and it felt somewhat like a brushoff, especially after my comment. The only thing that was going through my head at this point was that I'd overshared, and I am NOT as close of a friend to him as he is to me.
This led me to a very unhappy self-examination, brought on in part because of my weariness. Despite my day starting spiritually, though in a shaky and purposefully undefined way, it ended with me all but vehemently defending atheism against one of the people I most respect. I don't want to be an atheist. I want to believe that something started all of this. To imagine that all of this spontaneously spun out of nothing, with NO outside intervention, bothers me so innately that it gives me a headache to dissect it too far**.
On the other hand, there are things I'm seemingly expected to accept when I am following a spiritual/religious path, like magic (I believe it's there, but good gods, I don't believe that humans can manipulate it the way some claim to), Travelling (No... Just no), that the gods made the world (take your pick of pantheon or solo), that those gods/God can touch and affect the physical world and for some reason want to, that what I am doing is clearly far more important than another follower on the other side of the planet, that the gods/God somehow knows all things at once and willingly carries it out for all, that there's a divine plan. So many conflicts of logic, and I'm expected to buy into many, if not all, of them?
I have got to find some kind of balance between my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual sides, before I come unravelled.
* - Think D&D meets fairy tales, with the heroes being KIDS. It's massively entertaining. I'd imagine it'd be even MORE fun if I remembered all the rules (9 years is a long time).
** - Though, Newton's Laws of Motion actually tend to justify a higher power to me, as the idea of the Big Bang happening spontaneously seems to go against these Laws. You could delve deeper, and suggest that we are in some unknown iteration of the universe, and that the old universe collapsing was the external force for this universe. However, Hawking has refuted that as a possibility. I might have to do some reading.
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