33: Epiphanies

Two days ago, I updated this journal for the first time in 18 months. Since then, I spent all afternoon yesterday, drinking with my buddy, Chuck, talking about all manner of things, from my life to his life to religion and spirituality to science and logic.

I didn't exactly wake with a hangover, but I somehow overworked my arms to the point that laying in bed made them hurt. As a result, I've been up and down today, resting as much as I could, trying to let them heal naturally, since I didn't want to take acetaminophen or ibuprofen.

I finally settled in for the night (or so I thought) and began reading more of The Gathering Storm (Wheel of Time). The chapters I covered were nothing particularly noteworthy. However, they shifted my consciousness to pondering some of the subject matter that I covered last night.

The first thing I realized was that maybe, just maybe, I could relax and not hold so much against others, especially when I recognize that I did similar myself when I was younger. That doesn't mean that things will just be automatically okay, but it does mean that there's no reason to nurture anger and hate over something stupid.

I also realized that I will *never* be completely comfortable acknowledging any kind of friendship on a deep, emotional level. PARTICIPATING in the friendship is one thing, but I have too many trust issues and let downs in my life to be comfortable with naming anything that touches that emotional level. I get along best with those who recognize the bond for what it is, and just share a nod with me in reference to it. We recognize it; we don't have to give it names and shit to make it count.

Some I've known have been very particular about wanting names for it all, and when they push, I shut it down. Sometimes, it's even negatively affected my relationship with them. I choose when to let someone through. It's not a test, or a matter of perseverance, or an obstacle to overcome. Telling me that opening up is important does *NO* good, because every person is different, and allowing someone to get that close should only be done with someone that I can truly trust. Look above. There aren't that many.

Of course, there are facets to the level of trust. I trust some with my complaints about work. I trust some with my relationship woes. I talk to some about my life and fears. Some, like Rick, are those with whom I know I can share pretty much anything. I've known Rick over two decades. That level of trust didn't occur overnight. To those who think they should be closer to me than they are, I say, "quit rushing it, or you risk making me doubt the trust I've already put in you."

Next, I got up and picked up around my place. It was far from a pig sty, but it also needed some TLC. While doing that, I was struck by the sensation that I needed to reclaim who I am from the mists of time. That, for whatever reason, how I define myself has been scattered over the preceding years. Some of those things probably needed to be cast aside, so that I may grow as the person I am now. Some of those things, though, are things I should never have allowed to slip away. I let things go because it seemed like a good idea at the time. I did because someone who probably meant well thought it was a good idea (and to which I agreed at the time). I gave up some things because of pressures from my job caused me to have to compartmentalize some things, so that I could be better at my job.

So, I lit the candles I have in my room, burned some incense, and just soaked in the vibe of my home which feels just slightly more like it should always have. I have no name for what this is, nor do I ascribe this feeling to some mystical being. I am quite deliberately choosing to NOT think about specifics.

...like people, the gods who want a relationship with me must earn my trust. I am sovereign unto myself, and answerable only to myself. The universe itself already Knows me and understands.

1945: Renewed zest for life?

I have found, in the past couple of days, that I am regaining interest in writing in my blogs. Coincidentally, this corresponds with a decreased presence on Facebook and even Twitter. I have even been spending less time on World of Warcraft. The interactions with other people I've had have -- in general -- focused on interpersonal relationships that I have, both personal and professional.

This focus on writing something daily used to help me get through the day. Back when I first joined LJ (Aug 2002), I posted multiple times a day. Sure, some of them were memes of some flavor or another (back then, quizzes were huge), but many of them detailed my day-to-day life. Friends of friends found me, and we shared our thoughts on each others' pages.

Then came "social media". I resisted it for a long time, pointedly refusing to sign up for MySpace until early 2008. I finally signed up for Facebook back in early 2009, I think, and Twitter in mid-2009. Both services made posting to your account exceptionally easy. LJ, by contrast, still seemed to lend itself to posts of substance (grammatically speaking, even if the topics weren't). Slowly, surely, it became "easier" to post on Facebook or Twitter. Nevermind that saying it was easier was a cop-out. There were apps for phones and the home page asked "how are you doing?".

I've tried different spins on rekindling my excitement for posting in my blog. I branched out from LJ to other services, most notably a WordPress journal that highlights my creative ventures (it, too, has sat unused for months). Through it all, though, I was trying to share back to my Facebook and Twitter accounts. This entry will still post to Twitter, only because I've not disconnected it yet. By doing so, though, I believe that I was trying too hard to adapt my writing tendency to the soundbites and snippits of modern social media.

So, in closing, I thoroughly enjoy posting in my blogs again, and also enjoy avoiding the vitriol that passes for political, religious, and social commentary on Facebook these days. I won't abandon any of my "presences" yet, but I am rather pleased at my renewed creative spark for writing, even if it's just to write about writing. :)