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As I've said in recent posts, I've been pretty much atheist for a while now, driven partially because of a very bad situation regarding one of my supposed patron gods and a girl who couldn't draw the proper line between teacher and student. Despite that, I have continued to subscribe to a British Druid's WordPress blog, because she isn't a complete nutcase. In fact, her posts frequently are insightful and helpful, even to one such as me.
On April 13, she pitched a book of someone that she knew: Judith O'Grady's Pagan Portals - God-Speaking. In the post, she said:
Well, my vacation began the first week of May, I wanted to order some Celestial Seasonings herbal tea, and it was only $7, so I decided to get it. When it came in, I was slightly disappointed to see that it was only 52 pages. Nevertheless, I decided to read it anyway. After all, if it wasn't very good, I'd be done with it by the time I realized it. :)
While the editing could have been better, and I'd like to have seen the concepts expanded a bit, it presented a very interesting take on the subject. I actually enjoyed it, and am grateful that it's so short, as I think it needs to be read multiple times to fully digest everything within.
When I finished it, I felt like something that had been missing was back. Oh, it wasn't back fully. It was more like, "hi, I'm here, but I'm knocking at the door and waiting for you to say come in." Still, I felt an oddly light sense of being, despite my "atheist/scientific skeptic" tendencies. Of course, the author is a scientist (biologist)/trance seer/Druid, and I even discovered that she is an animist, which I realize is very likely what I am for sure, regardless of other labels.
That night, while working on Robert Jordan's Towers of Midnight, I suddenly had an urge to rearrange the implements I had on my "not-altar" in my room. It took all of five minutes for me to decide that I needed to relocate the "not-altar" to my chest of drawers, and move the books to the bookshelf. I dug out the two boxes of pagan paraphenalia, and TWO HOURS LATER, I had a fully functional altar again.
By fully functional, I mean that I had my six deity candles (Odin, Thor, Freyja, Aine, Brigid, and the Morrigan), my green man oil burner, my wood chalice, my offering bowl, a wand, my rune-inscribed hammer, a steel athame, my pocket knife, a large key, a blank book with the seven-pointed star of the fey on the cover, and some various miscellaneous figurines and trinkets that I associate with my spirituality. This is more altar-like than I've had my altar in a long time.
I can't explain why I included the athame, but every time I tried to leave it off (telling myself that I just wanted it to balance the hammer), I kept thinking that I should put it on there anyway. I mean, I actually argued with myself over this. I think that it was because I received it as a gift from the aforementioned girl. During my argument, when I thought of this reason, I felt compelled to say, "She is no longer my teacher. She is no longer welcome to guide me spiritually. She can discuss things spiritual with me at some later time, but she does not get to guide me." I don't know what it was about that, but I felt better after saying it.
When it was complete, I lit my deity candles, got back in bed, and continued reading my book. Around 5am, I finally put out the candles and went to sleep.
The next day, I learned that this person said she needed to replace something that I know I was responsible for, and she tagged it "#endings #sacredspace". Could this be coincidence? Possibly. I don't know.
So where does this leave me? Not quite an atheist (being guided inexplicably to set up my altar again isn't necessarily divine guidance, but it also isn't necessarily NOT, either), not quite a pagan believer, still a scientific skeptic. The Norse pantheon still "feels" right to me, but I have to reexamine who I followed, and why. The Celtic deities on my altar also need to be researched more fully. I guess I should also see what I can dig up on "Diana", given my feelings about the Moon (and that image in particular).
Tonight, I actually wore my Yggdrasil pendant again. It felt like it was time to do so. I didn't question it, and I didn't parade it around, but I liked putting it on.
I don't anticipate being immediately back in the swing of things, but I think that my admission last time about being an atheist because I was feeling burned by my spirituality may not be too far off the mark, after all.
On April 13, she pitched a book of someone that she knew: Judith O'Grady's Pagan Portals - God-Speaking. In the post, she said:
God Speaking tackles head on that problem about mental health versus religious experience. We live in a society where to hear voices, is to be crazy. Most Pagans sidle carefully around the subject, wanting to claim personal experience but at the same time not wanting to sound deranged. This book explores the issues in a witty and compelling way. Judith O’Grady is a person with a lot of valuable insight to share, and a really accessible writing style. She deserves and audience.This intrigued me greatly. This might be the sort of thing to give me insight to be of help to Rick. At the very least, it might help explain what happened (maybe). So, I added it to my Amazon shopping cart, but didn't commit to buy it. After all, I'm atheist, so what use is there in buying yet another pagan book?
Well, my vacation began the first week of May, I wanted to order some Celestial Seasonings herbal tea, and it was only $7, so I decided to get it. When it came in, I was slightly disappointed to see that it was only 52 pages. Nevertheless, I decided to read it anyway. After all, if it wasn't very good, I'd be done with it by the time I realized it. :)
While the editing could have been better, and I'd like to have seen the concepts expanded a bit, it presented a very interesting take on the subject. I actually enjoyed it, and am grateful that it's so short, as I think it needs to be read multiple times to fully digest everything within.
When I finished it, I felt like something that had been missing was back. Oh, it wasn't back fully. It was more like, "hi, I'm here, but I'm knocking at the door and waiting for you to say come in." Still, I felt an oddly light sense of being, despite my "atheist/scientific skeptic" tendencies. Of course, the author is a scientist (biologist)/trance seer/Druid, and I even discovered that she is an animist, which I realize is very likely what I am for sure, regardless of other labels.
That night, while working on Robert Jordan's Towers of Midnight, I suddenly had an urge to rearrange the implements I had on my "not-altar" in my room. It took all of five minutes for me to decide that I needed to relocate the "not-altar" to my chest of drawers, and move the books to the bookshelf. I dug out the two boxes of pagan paraphenalia, and TWO HOURS LATER, I had a fully functional altar again.
By fully functional, I mean that I had my six deity candles (Odin, Thor, Freyja, Aine, Brigid, and the Morrigan), my green man oil burner, my wood chalice, my offering bowl, a wand, my rune-inscribed hammer, a steel athame, my pocket knife, a large key, a blank book with the seven-pointed star of the fey on the cover, and some various miscellaneous figurines and trinkets that I associate with my spirituality. This is more altar-like than I've had my altar in a long time.
I can't explain why I included the athame, but every time I tried to leave it off (telling myself that I just wanted it to balance the hammer), I kept thinking that I should put it on there anyway. I mean, I actually argued with myself over this. I think that it was because I received it as a gift from the aforementioned girl. During my argument, when I thought of this reason, I felt compelled to say, "She is no longer my teacher. She is no longer welcome to guide me spiritually. She can discuss things spiritual with me at some later time, but she does not get to guide me." I don't know what it was about that, but I felt better after saying it.
When it was complete, I lit my deity candles, got back in bed, and continued reading my book. Around 5am, I finally put out the candles and went to sleep.
The next day, I learned that this person said she needed to replace something that I know I was responsible for, and she tagged it "#endings #sacredspace". Could this be coincidence? Possibly. I don't know.
So where does this leave me? Not quite an atheist (being guided inexplicably to set up my altar again isn't necessarily divine guidance, but it also isn't necessarily NOT, either), not quite a pagan believer, still a scientific skeptic. The Norse pantheon still "feels" right to me, but I have to reexamine who I followed, and why. The Celtic deities on my altar also need to be researched more fully. I guess I should also see what I can dig up on "Diana", given my feelings about the Moon (and that image in particular).
Tonight, I actually wore my Yggdrasil pendant again. It felt like it was time to do so. I didn't question it, and I didn't parade it around, but I liked putting it on.
I don't anticipate being immediately back in the swing of things, but I think that my admission last time about being an atheist because I was feeling burned by my spirituality may not be too far off the mark, after all.
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