"I cannot accept that she will be taken from me" - Tori Amos

I went to watch Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle with Charles tonight. We had a blast. I was struck again by how beautiful "Maria" is in the movie. About halfway through the movie, Charles and I went to Wal-Mart to obtain some ice cream for dessert. While there, I filled him in on how I've been doing lately, especially as my life relates to things involving M. I think that I got some things off my chest tonight, for which I am profoundly grateful.

We came back, had ice cream, and finished the movie. When the movie ended, Charles showed me the meaning of terror via the porcelain god.* On the way home, though, I realized that I felt a melancholy that went far deeper than the standard "movie star crushes" that I tend to get when I watch a movie. (As an example, I became enamored of Jennifer Garner after seeing Daredevil, Uma Thurman after seeing Kill Bill, and Kate Beckinsale after seeing Underworld.) However, I could tell that my mood was not the result of "Maria" at all. I was feeling some depression over how events unfolded with M. I began to wonder how things might have gone differently, and I realized something that made me feel better about her, even if I don't really feel better in general:

I am beginning to think that what I miss isn't her so much as I miss having someone that I feel that deeply for.

I mean, she is a sweet person, to be sure. She is intelligent, and a very loving soul. She tries to make people feel better, even when she doesn't feel too hot herself. Yet, we really aren't as compatible as I thought. I loved her. I thought that she felt the same, at least when I flew up there. I would do anything for her, or so I thought. Sure, I didn't get as carried away as I may have appeared, but a small part of me HAD to stay practical. That's who I *really* am, anyway. I was ready to move up there, but I was practical enough to realize that I had to consider ALL the angles and consequences of such a move.

I think that bothered her, in some small way. Nothing really significant, but it was there, you know? *shrug* Well, that's water under the bridge. December 9 is a million miles and a million years from here and now. As I said in that line above, I know now that I want what I thought I had, rather than what I did have. I think she's a great person, and I hope that things really do work out for her with J, which they seem to be.

For a brief moment of time, I felt like I had found someone with whom I connected on a level deeper than "we both like musician X" or "she dislikes politician Y". I feel that, despite all the crap I have gone through, I am better off now than I was before I began talking to her. No matter how bad I've felt since then, or how lost I think I have been, I have learned important things about life, love, relationships, and religion. For those, I thank her.

So, I believe that I am just about ready to move on entirely. She will always hold a special place in my heart, but I no longer think that the longing I feel sometimes is for her specifically.

This song seems rather appropriate for how I'm feeling right now:

( 'Toast', from Tori Amos' new album, The Beekeeper, due out February 22 )

Now, it's time I got to sleep. I have work in the morning, and I'm working for the Zone Manager. This should be interesting, to say the least. Wish me luck, y'all!

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* - It's best I don't elaborate. Really.

A Meme, to be sure..

Another Meme, but this one really holds true for me, so i'm gonna do it. :)

If there is at least one person in your life whom you consider a close friend, and whom you would not have met without the internet, post this sentence in your journal.

Creeping up like a tiger on the hunt..

...I suddenly became TOTALLY exhausted. I mean, I can't even keep my eyes open. At least I'll be fully rested when I go to work tomorrow.. I was a little late this morning, but the Zone Manager wasn't there. (Lucky for me.) I stayed over enough to make up for it, so no matter, ya know? I busied myself with updating the spreadsheet I do on Sundays for 2005. (The Kroger fiscal year runs from basically February to February.) Finally, I got a call from the Perishable Manager for the Zone, who gave me a list of things to print out. Believe it or not, with a laser printer and a broadband connection to our company's site, it took me around two hours to print all of that out. Talk about scary, huh?

I had Tori Amos' new CD, The Beekeeper, with me to break up the monotony. It saved my life. I think what I enjoyed most about today was that I didn't have to worry about working on the front at all. The one time someone called me, I was on the phone with the Perishable Manager, so my manager intercepted the page, and I guess she explained that I effectively wasn't there today. I hope I pick up quickly on what they want me to do, because I look forward to getting these 16 hours weekly to do "paperwork".

I'm happy right now. I just feel happy. It's not a bouncy, hyperactive happy. It's a peaceful, content with life happy. Then again, maybe I'm just losing my battle with sleep. :)