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Today, I watched St. Elmo's Fire for the first time. It's a John Hughes film, and the man knew how to make films.
Despite knowing that it wasn't quite as fun and happy as Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, or Sixteen Candles, I still was unprepared for how... dark... it was.
Kirby is a stalker. In today's world, he'd have been arrested long before he got stuck in the snow. Billy is the typical "never wanna grow up" guy who always wants life to be fun. Alec is the "has everything going for him" guy. Kevin is the hopeless romantic, holding onto a wisp of a dream, and blinding himself to anything else. Jules is the "I have to appear to have it all to have worth" person. Leslie...actually seemed somewhat normal. Perhaps her deal was simply that she wasn't quite ready to dive headlong into marriage. Meanwhile, Wendy was the "too timid to truly strike out on her own" character. Y'know, the one who never takes any risks?
In the aftermath of watching it, one thing strikes me: there is a little bit of each one of them inside me. Oh, there isn't really any stalker in me (but I can be single-minded to the point of obsession), but they all spoke on some level with me. With Kevin and Leslie, especially, I found myself realizing that he loved her early on in the movie. When things crumbled with Alec and they seemingly hooked up, I really hoped that it was a permanent thing, because I really like that idea of having that kind of love for someone.
Now, don't get me wrong. I don't sit at home and cry over what ifs and might have beens, and I certainly don't derive my self-worth from who I'm dating or not. Still, there is absolutely a part of me that wishes that I'd been just a little bolder when I was younger, and felt like love was something that I deserved. Looking back through the years, I realize there were several girls that I probably would have liked, had I allowed myself to risk finding out. Instead, I found reasons why they weren't good, to console myself at never having tried. Those I did try with, I couldn't have tried very hard, or things might have gone differently.
Still, I am not giving up. Not yet. However much I'd like to find that love, though, I know also that I can be happy as just me. I actually can say, for the first time, that I *am* happy with just me. If you go back and read through my journal, a recurring theme has always been how much I wish I could find someone, but I never was happy with myself, either. I complained about my job, or my living arrangements, or my family, or my friends, or something. I could never take pleasure in my life as it was.
Oddly, I look back at those times, and I realize that I wasn't happy. I don't know what I could have done differently, but I know as sure as I am sitting here that I wasn't happy. I don't know what I have changed, either, for that matter, but my friends swear that I have changed a LOT in just the last few years. I feel more sure of myself. I am happier with where I am. I feel more certain of where I believe I'm headed, even as I sit here and say I have no idea. :)
Wow. I didn't all that coming when I started this post.
Simply put, what Kevin felt for Leslie reminds me of what I felt for some girls (that I considered unattainable) when I was younger. I don't really feel that much anymore (not the amorphous "in love" anyway), and the memory of those days of feeling love for someone without any kind of cynicism/realism weighing things down causes me moments, where I do have my "could have been" moments.
I saw a little of myself in each of the characters, and it was a sobering, depressing, and thoroughly enjoyable experience. One day, I may very well find that magical "love" again. Until then, I stride confidently forward, because there is no turning around. Once in a while, though, I have to glance back, to remind myself of where I've been and why I'm going where I am.
Now, to watch something more upbeat before bed, because I have a feeling that if I go to sleep feeling down like this, my goddess (the one I know, or the one I don't*) will make a point to visit me in my dreams, and snap me out of it. And I can't say that I necessarily want that. :)
* - That is a post for another time. To sum it up, I follow one, but I have a feeling (and have had for a while now) that another watches over me, but I don't know who she is.
Despite knowing that it wasn't quite as fun and happy as Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, or Sixteen Candles, I still was unprepared for how... dark... it was.
Kirby is a stalker. In today's world, he'd have been arrested long before he got stuck in the snow. Billy is the typical "never wanna grow up" guy who always wants life to be fun. Alec is the "has everything going for him" guy. Kevin is the hopeless romantic, holding onto a wisp of a dream, and blinding himself to anything else. Jules is the "I have to appear to have it all to have worth" person. Leslie...actually seemed somewhat normal. Perhaps her deal was simply that she wasn't quite ready to dive headlong into marriage. Meanwhile, Wendy was the "too timid to truly strike out on her own" character. Y'know, the one who never takes any risks?
In the aftermath of watching it, one thing strikes me: there is a little bit of each one of them inside me. Oh, there isn't really any stalker in me (but I can be single-minded to the point of obsession), but they all spoke on some level with me. With Kevin and Leslie, especially, I found myself realizing that he loved her early on in the movie. When things crumbled with Alec and they seemingly hooked up, I really hoped that it was a permanent thing, because I really like that idea of having that kind of love for someone.
Now, don't get me wrong. I don't sit at home and cry over what ifs and might have beens, and I certainly don't derive my self-worth from who I'm dating or not. Still, there is absolutely a part of me that wishes that I'd been just a little bolder when I was younger, and felt like love was something that I deserved. Looking back through the years, I realize there were several girls that I probably would have liked, had I allowed myself to risk finding out. Instead, I found reasons why they weren't good, to console myself at never having tried. Those I did try with, I couldn't have tried very hard, or things might have gone differently.
Still, I am not giving up. Not yet. However much I'd like to find that love, though, I know also that I can be happy as just me. I actually can say, for the first time, that I *am* happy with just me. If you go back and read through my journal, a recurring theme has always been how much I wish I could find someone, but I never was happy with myself, either. I complained about my job, or my living arrangements, or my family, or my friends, or something. I could never take pleasure in my life as it was.
Oddly, I look back at those times, and I realize that I wasn't happy. I don't know what I could have done differently, but I know as sure as I am sitting here that I wasn't happy. I don't know what I have changed, either, for that matter, but my friends swear that I have changed a LOT in just the last few years. I feel more sure of myself. I am happier with where I am. I feel more certain of where I believe I'm headed, even as I sit here and say I have no idea. :)
Wow. I didn't all that coming when I started this post.
Simply put, what Kevin felt for Leslie reminds me of what I felt for some girls (that I considered unattainable) when I was younger. I don't really feel that much anymore (not the amorphous "in love" anyway), and the memory of those days of feeling love for someone without any kind of cynicism/realism weighing things down causes me moments, where I do have my "could have been" moments.
I saw a little of myself in each of the characters, and it was a sobering, depressing, and thoroughly enjoyable experience. One day, I may very well find that magical "love" again. Until then, I stride confidently forward, because there is no turning around. Once in a while, though, I have to glance back, to remind myself of where I've been and why I'm going where I am.
Now, to watch something more upbeat before bed, because I have a feeling that if I go to sleep feeling down like this, my goddess (the one I know, or the one I don't*) will make a point to visit me in my dreams, and snap me out of it. And I can't say that I necessarily want that. :)
* - That is a post for another time. To sum it up, I follow one, but I have a feeling (and have had for a while now) that another watches over me, but I don't know who she is.
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