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I was scheduled today from 2-11, though I wound up working until 1125. On my way home, I was feeling like I needed to write something, but I didn't understand what I needed to write.
When I got home, and finally checked email, I discovered that I was not selected as one of the at-large members for Summerland Grove. Instead, Krisi and Wendi received the votes to make them at-large members. I'm honestly happy for them, and hope that this development will prove to be beneficial for the church.
However, I cannot say that I am not a little disappointed. In fact, I'm really disappointed. I didn't know I had such an attachment to gaining a position in the Board of Directors. It could be that I felt like I could effect some change from within, and really step up my involvement with the church and community in general. Perhaps I had thought that if I was more intimately involved in the goings-on with the church, I could help head off this disastrous path it is on. I don't mean to belittle the two who got the positions. In fact, I want to go on record saying that I am *NOT* belittling them at all.
Could I have served successfully, given my new position at work? Could I have served ethically, given my disdain for one of the Fourth Realm students? Could I have served the church without falling victim to the corrupting influence of power? I would like to think so. As it is, I will never know.
I do not know now if I will clep First Realm at Festival of Souls this year, either. I believe that I want to, if only so that I can begin the shadow-work that comes in Second Realm. The basics of paganism are just that: the basics, and I am very familiar with most of the elements of said basics, to the point that I find myself unable to read the books assigned for First Realm students. At least, I cannot read them all the way through. I skip around, and read passages here and there, but I have not read them cover to cover.
I need to study the hows and whys of ritual, grounding and centering, and magic in general. I am not set in my path, either, and this makes studying difficult. At least, I have led myself to believe that it does.
Which brings me to another point altogether: my path, or lack thereof. I was really attracted to Asatru when I discovered it last year, and felt that I was on the right path. However, toward the end of last year, and through spring especially, I began to question my devotion to this path. For some reason, I began to wonder if I really was on the right path. Hearing that Jørð was interested in being my patron had a very real effect on me. The earth herself wanted to be my patron. How does one handle this information? Denial and acceptance are the two obvious choices. However, I believe that I ultimately chose a third: I began to reconsider whether I was actually supposed to worship her in her Norse guise, or if I needed to get to know her in a cultural way more closely tied to my heritage: Celtic.1
On my father's side, my ancestry has been traced back to an immigrant named Nicodemus, in the late 1700s. On my mother's side, the Ferrells crossed over to America in 1732, and have a definite Scottish, Irish, and German heritage. While this heritage definitely grants me some leeway on the Norse side of things, it also firmly roots me in a Celtic bloodline. I have always had a massive attraction to the British Isles, the legend of King Arthur, faeries (especially the tales of the Seelie and Unseelie Courts), and learning about Ireland. Even in my most diehard anime fan days, where I wanted to visit Japan more than any other, Ireland was still in my top two, for the reasons I listed.
I cannot live without music. I have learned that this week. Due to the stress of work and the long hours I've put in, I haven't been listening to music as much as I would like, and it caused me to sink into a funk that was dangerously close to self-destructive. Getting a day off from work and listening to music (and spending time with good friends) helped pull me out of that dangerous low. For reasons I cannot explain, music feels very fey to me. It's one of those things I do not question, and that I do not wish to argue. It simply is.
I love storms. I love trees. I love space. I love science (except when it snickers behind its hand at faith). I love the feeling of being surrounded by trees, to the point that the lack of trees was the deciding point for me to move back to Memphis, when I desperately wanted to stay with my mother in California.2 I love the feeling of a cool breeze on my face while sitting outside on a crisp autumn day.
What am I? What is my path? I do not know, and cannot say for certain…yet.
For now, I think I have exhausted my line of thinking for the night, so I will go to bed. Tonight, as I go to bed, I will repeat the following phrase over and over until unconsciousness claims me: What is my path? Show me, and allow me to remember.
I work tomorrow, starting at 9am. I hope to be able to skip out after six hours or so, but I will have to see when I'm there.
Sleep well, my friends, and may your dreams bring you a peaceful sleep, and a refreshing morning.
1 - Brian, being a hard polytheist, will say that Jørð is Norse only, and an earth goddess figure from another culture isn't the same. However, for this one goddess, how can the Norses' Earth be different from the Celts' Earth, or even the Egyptians' Earth for that matter?
2 - I also felt that I couldn't leave my father completely alone. I have a parental loyalty to him that I don't have to my mother, and this confuses and saddens me at times.
When I got home, and finally checked email, I discovered that I was not selected as one of the at-large members for Summerland Grove. Instead, Krisi and Wendi received the votes to make them at-large members. I'm honestly happy for them, and hope that this development will prove to be beneficial for the church.
However, I cannot say that I am not a little disappointed. In fact, I'm really disappointed. I didn't know I had such an attachment to gaining a position in the Board of Directors. It could be that I felt like I could effect some change from within, and really step up my involvement with the church and community in general. Perhaps I had thought that if I was more intimately involved in the goings-on with the church, I could help head off this disastrous path it is on. I don't mean to belittle the two who got the positions. In fact, I want to go on record saying that I am *NOT* belittling them at all.
Could I have served successfully, given my new position at work? Could I have served ethically, given my disdain for one of the Fourth Realm students? Could I have served the church without falling victim to the corrupting influence of power? I would like to think so. As it is, I will never know.
I do not know now if I will clep First Realm at Festival of Souls this year, either. I believe that I want to, if only so that I can begin the shadow-work that comes in Second Realm. The basics of paganism are just that: the basics, and I am very familiar with most of the elements of said basics, to the point that I find myself unable to read the books assigned for First Realm students. At least, I cannot read them all the way through. I skip around, and read passages here and there, but I have not read them cover to cover.
I need to study the hows and whys of ritual, grounding and centering, and magic in general. I am not set in my path, either, and this makes studying difficult. At least, I have led myself to believe that it does.
Which brings me to another point altogether: my path, or lack thereof. I was really attracted to Asatru when I discovered it last year, and felt that I was on the right path. However, toward the end of last year, and through spring especially, I began to question my devotion to this path. For some reason, I began to wonder if I really was on the right path. Hearing that Jørð was interested in being my patron had a very real effect on me. The earth herself wanted to be my patron. How does one handle this information? Denial and acceptance are the two obvious choices. However, I believe that I ultimately chose a third: I began to reconsider whether I was actually supposed to worship her in her Norse guise, or if I needed to get to know her in a cultural way more closely tied to my heritage: Celtic.1
On my father's side, my ancestry has been traced back to an immigrant named Nicodemus, in the late 1700s. On my mother's side, the Ferrells crossed over to America in 1732, and have a definite Scottish, Irish, and German heritage. While this heritage definitely grants me some leeway on the Norse side of things, it also firmly roots me in a Celtic bloodline. I have always had a massive attraction to the British Isles, the legend of King Arthur, faeries (especially the tales of the Seelie and Unseelie Courts), and learning about Ireland. Even in my most diehard anime fan days, where I wanted to visit Japan more than any other, Ireland was still in my top two, for the reasons I listed.
I cannot live without music. I have learned that this week. Due to the stress of work and the long hours I've put in, I haven't been listening to music as much as I would like, and it caused me to sink into a funk that was dangerously close to self-destructive. Getting a day off from work and listening to music (and spending time with good friends) helped pull me out of that dangerous low. For reasons I cannot explain, music feels very fey to me. It's one of those things I do not question, and that I do not wish to argue. It simply is.
I love storms. I love trees. I love space. I love science (except when it snickers behind its hand at faith). I love the feeling of being surrounded by trees, to the point that the lack of trees was the deciding point for me to move back to Memphis, when I desperately wanted to stay with my mother in California.2 I love the feeling of a cool breeze on my face while sitting outside on a crisp autumn day.
What am I? What is my path? I do not know, and cannot say for certain…yet.
For now, I think I have exhausted my line of thinking for the night, so I will go to bed. Tonight, as I go to bed, I will repeat the following phrase over and over until unconsciousness claims me: What is my path? Show me, and allow me to remember.
I work tomorrow, starting at 9am. I hope to be able to skip out after six hours or so, but I will have to see when I'm there.
Sleep well, my friends, and may your dreams bring you a peaceful sleep, and a refreshing morning.
1 - Brian, being a hard polytheist, will say that Jørð is Norse only, and an earth goddess figure from another culture isn't the same. However, for this one goddess, how can the Norses' Earth be different from the Celts' Earth, or even the Egyptians' Earth for that matter?
2 - I also felt that I couldn't leave my father completely alone. I have a parental loyalty to him that I don't have to my mother, and this confuses and saddens me at times.
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