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How did I end up here? I remember the ride, but I don't remember taking parts in the decisions. Well, that's not quite right. I remember making the decisions, but how did I choose so poorly? It's not that I regret everything I've done in the last fifteen years, but I certainly feel that things have gotten out of control. I mean, let's review.
( Since October 1989, I have... )
That's a lot of time, and I'm sure there are things I've missed, but that's more or less complete. Now, while I regret some of the decisions I've made, I also acknowledge that they have shaped who I am today. The butterfly effect is not just a movie, you know. If you stop and think about some aspect of your life, and then think of its influence, and follow it back, you'll learn that your habits, likes, and dislikes might have some unusual origin point. For example, if I hadn't met Kevin, I, almost certainly, would not have gotten into computers.
The thing that bugs me, though, is how I let things get me here: single, overweight, driving a half-dead car, working a dead-end job, and living with parents right before I turn thirty. Most of the friends with whom I spend time have at least a place to live, or a job they like, or are more fit than I. I know I can do more, but I can never quite apply myself in the fashion I feel that I need to. I take a step or two forward, only to take two to five steps back. It's frustrating, but I've done it all myself.
I think that my single biggest problem is my tendency to go for short-term satisfaction. It's everywhere in my decisions. *Points above* That Short-Term Satisfaction (STS) was there when I skipped school. It was there when I bought manga comics instead of saving for the anime videos I'd rather have had. STS was responsible for my lack of getting my bills back on track after my bout with pneumonia. It's why I sit here now without any real savings in the bank. STS is why I am the weight I am now, since I'd rather eat than go hungry for a little bit, or hurt for a while after exercising. It's why I am "putting up" with a consumer-level telescope, instead of getting something that would work the way I want. That's why my car is having the problems it is. After all, if I ignore it, the problem might just go away on its own, right?
I'd like to say that this is an epihany for me, and that it represents a turning point in my life. However, the law of averages is against me. Sure, it looks good to say this now, but will I hold true when I'm at work, and want something easy for lunch, instead of getting a salad and having an apple for dessert? Will it work when I see an advertisement for some new Thing I Must Have™, when I know I need to save for my car to be repaired? Will I be able to remind myself that I NEED to go to school for an accounting degree, so that I can realize my dream of a house of my own, when I have to get registered for school instead of sleeping in?
What should I do about this? Should I change my surroundings? Should I remove the posters of Death, Gandalf, and the night sky, and replace it with more generic art, or nothing at all? Should I box up and store my gaming stuff, aside from what I absolutely MUST have for the game on Sundays? Speaking of which, should I quit that game? I don't think that I'm going to get an answer to this right now, but here it is, for your perusal. If you have something to add, feel free to comment. If you want to flame me, you can do so. I have anonymous replies enabled. I know of a couple of people who I can almost bet will respond, but I won't name names.
And, strangely, getting this out has made me feel better...
( Since October 1989, I have... )
That's a lot of time, and I'm sure there are things I've missed, but that's more or less complete. Now, while I regret some of the decisions I've made, I also acknowledge that they have shaped who I am today. The butterfly effect is not just a movie, you know. If you stop and think about some aspect of your life, and then think of its influence, and follow it back, you'll learn that your habits, likes, and dislikes might have some unusual origin point. For example, if I hadn't met Kevin, I, almost certainly, would not have gotten into computers.
The thing that bugs me, though, is how I let things get me here: single, overweight, driving a half-dead car, working a dead-end job, and living with parents right before I turn thirty. Most of the friends with whom I spend time have at least a place to live, or a job they like, or are more fit than I. I know I can do more, but I can never quite apply myself in the fashion I feel that I need to. I take a step or two forward, only to take two to five steps back. It's frustrating, but I've done it all myself.
I think that my single biggest problem is my tendency to go for short-term satisfaction. It's everywhere in my decisions. *Points above* That Short-Term Satisfaction (STS) was there when I skipped school. It was there when I bought manga comics instead of saving for the anime videos I'd rather have had. STS was responsible for my lack of getting my bills back on track after my bout with pneumonia. It's why I sit here now without any real savings in the bank. STS is why I am the weight I am now, since I'd rather eat than go hungry for a little bit, or hurt for a while after exercising. It's why I am "putting up" with a consumer-level telescope, instead of getting something that would work the way I want. That's why my car is having the problems it is. After all, if I ignore it, the problem might just go away on its own, right?
I'd like to say that this is an epihany for me, and that it represents a turning point in my life. However, the law of averages is against me. Sure, it looks good to say this now, but will I hold true when I'm at work, and want something easy for lunch, instead of getting a salad and having an apple for dessert? Will it work when I see an advertisement for some new Thing I Must Have™, when I know I need to save for my car to be repaired? Will I be able to remind myself that I NEED to go to school for an accounting degree, so that I can realize my dream of a house of my own, when I have to get registered for school instead of sleeping in?
What should I do about this? Should I change my surroundings? Should I remove the posters of Death, Gandalf, and the night sky, and replace it with more generic art, or nothing at all? Should I box up and store my gaming stuff, aside from what I absolutely MUST have for the game on Sundays? Speaking of which, should I quit that game? I don't think that I'm going to get an answer to this right now, but here it is, for your perusal. If you have something to add, feel free to comment. If you want to flame me, you can do so. I have anonymous replies enabled. I know of a couple of people who I can almost bet will respond, but I won't name names.
And, strangely, getting this out has made me feel better...
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lilithraevyn