I lost some time once...

From time to time, I post about how I feel spiritually, from what I think I'm doing wrong to a complete redefinition of what I value. I tend to be reluctant to share that with a larger audience, due in no small way to the judgmental way most people in my area of the country view religion and spirituality. When I tell you I'm clearly Not Christian™, I get nervous, like I could still be burned at the stake over it. Of course, I worked in retail for 23 years (from 9 Nov 1994 until 26 Feb 2018, so 23 years, 3 months, and 17 days).

I wonder if I ever told anyone about the time when I had a well-meaning Evangelical Christian pressure me -- a customer service clerk who was bagging an order -- into accepting Jesus because she saw the Ankh I wore around my neck. Never mind that I tried explaining that I wore it because I liked a comic book character that wore one. Never mind that I cited that it represented eternal life. Never mind that I'd had others compare it to a Celtic cross. She was worried for my eternal soul. What was so bad was that she was never hateful or mean; indeed, she always smiled and was terribly pleasant, but I always got a lecture about it, until I learned to avoid her. Now, it doesn't matter that she was being nice and was genuinely worried about me, because she refused to accept my reasons for wearing it. I vaguely recall one customer rudely and hatefully calling it out, only instead of trying to sway me with love, he was trying to scare me into not wearing it.

...and that was for something I wore because I liked a comic character created by a British author. Imagine what might've happened if I had formally been pagan or atheist at the time, and run into one or the other of them.

At any rate, now you know why I decided long ago that my faith was my business, and why I kept such belief close to my chest, on a superficial level, anyway.

What do I believe? Let me clear this up with an oversimplification: I don't FUCKING know. :) To go past the vulgarity, I am not really sure. I have never been completely satisfied with any system of belief.

Since 2010, when I finally accepted that I couldn't reconcile Christianity in a positive way, I have been alternately Asatru, heathen, pagan, atheist, heathen, agnostic, heathen, almost druid, atheist, almost Asatru again, until I find myself at this weird point that's probably easiest to call pagan (but like most labels, isn't a proper fit). I've tried to find a niche that I could call my own: a spiritual practice that encompasses what I value, yet gives me a label that fits and a way to ward off anyone who wants to tell me that I'm "doing it wrong".

I began 2018 believing that there were no gods, that I was alone, and that I was doomed to a dismal tailspin to a suicide or just death by stress. Work was a physical burden that settled on my shoulders as soon as I would turn my car into the parking lot. Then, I found a new job, and things began to turn around: I had a regular schedule, I was able to make time for friends, I was getting rest, and more. People were commenting that they were already seeing the change in me.

Before long, I began to experiment again. I was afraid to name any deity, because I had -- to my mind -- spurned them for so long, and felt that I had to "earn" their good will back. I had an altar set up, and I cleaned it up and burned candles on it. I would occasionally leave an offering. It felt good, so I kept at it, though I still "heard" nothing. Now, some would point right to this and say, "Aha! You had it!" Honestly, they wouldn't be wrong, but I am never satisfied for long when it comes to seeking answers.

So, I took to wearing my Thor's Hammer again, my outward sign that I was heathen/Asatru¹, and for a few weeks, I was content. Then, after a trip to Missouri to visit a Lokean friend of mine (for D&D!), I had occasion to ask a friend, without judgment, why they had chosen Loki. Their response, because he called to them, shook me. Long after I had said good night to them, I was torn. I was lost and more than a little jealous: I wanted a connection like that to the gods. I still want such a connection to the gods. Oh, nothing like having them on speed dial, but being able to close my eyes and just KNOW they're near, even if they aren't actively watching. To have that unshakable faith that comes to the devout.

I ripped my hammer off as I was getting ready to remove my shirt, and I hurled it away from me, behind me. I didn't find it until 5am the next morning, six hours later. When I did find it, I found the rope and haft of the hammer behind my books on my bookshelf, and the head was laying on the floor, by my closet. I had managed to break it in two. I spent a good part of the next day, talking to close friends about what was bugging me.

I started listing things that I knew I "believed" in, as evidence that I shouldn't have trouble hearing deities -- no matter how literally or figuratively you take that. That's when my friend said, "there, you see? these are the things you believe in, and you don't need a name or a named God to make it work for you." ²

So, what do I believe?

• Well, for whatever reason, I trust that the way my music sorts itself when I randomize it, particularly when I am starting my day or doing a chore, to tell me something, either with song title or song subject matter.
• I am energized by the moon, and though I see the fewest stars during a full moon, I am most alive, as I can feel the silver moonlight caressing my skin.
• I trust in Death as a bringer of peace and a watcher of lives and as one who brings meaning to one's life, for only because we eventually die do our struggles truly matter.
• I believe in Dreams much the same way that I do music.

Oddly, there are deities that I am drawn to.

• Going back to when I was 12, and had to do a report on the Parthenon for my 6th grade class, Athena has always drawn my attention and maybe just a little love. When I visited the Parthenon replica that's in Nashville, I was struck almost physically when I walked out in front of the statue in the main hall. Even then, as deeply heathen as I felt I was, I considered that stop to be highly spiritual for me.
• I was drawn to Thor when I read my first comic with him in it. Now, I understand the comic version is different from the lore, but in both, Thor is a guardian of humanity and defender of Midgard. That calling is what, I think, resonated with me.
• Death, as visualized by Neil Gaiman, is one of my life's loves. She is everything I said about death above, and then some. Death isn't always pretty. It isn't always timely. It isn't always preferable. However, in every situation, there she is, ready to escort us to our next adventure. She has followed me into my dreams, and for a great many years, would randomly appear in them and converse with me about nonesuch. I miss those conversations, because it's been a while since I last recall seeing her.
• In a National Geographic book on the solar system, Michael Whelan was tasked with illustrating the planets' namesakes, for inclusion in a page of info about the planet. Diana, chosen for the Moon, captivated and fascinated me. I'd stare at the image for hours. That Diana was an archer is a significance I can only now begin to ponder (as archery is my favorite combat style in D&D in particular, and in games in general).

So, I have a lot of things that I love, and a few gods I love as well. I will have to ponder what this specifically means, but for now, I will leave it at this and spend a while thinking on this all. Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, if you like.

(In all fairness, it's also getting quite late, and I do have to work in the morning. We can call this Part 1 if you like, and I'll get to Part 2 very soon.)

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1 - I am very careful about how I label my Norse beliefs, because many who call themselves Asatru are unbending in their approach to the gods, and many others are racist asshats hiding behind the gods.
2 - This is a paraphrase, obviously.

I have been in a state of spiritual turmoil for most of the last two years. From 2010 until the middle of 2012, I felt rather satisfied that I was on the path I was meant to walk, and it was called Asatru. Some practices, such as the average Asatru follower's obsession with war and battle and getting into Valhalla, didn't quite fit, but I told myself that I'd learn to like them (more or less).

In the middle of 2012, though, I began walking a path that relied far too heavily upon what someone else told me was truth. The house of cards I'd built for my spirituality crumbled completely when I watched the second episode of the new Doctor Who run, in which the Doctor and Rose went to the literal end of the earch (the sun was about to consume it). I was forced to reconcile the idea of a god that could exist independent of the world on which it was created and found myself in such spiritually dangerous territory, that neither my Asatru mentor nor the new person could satisfy me. Ultimately, I buried my discomfort, because I wanted to return to how I felt before that revelation.

Months went by, where I was back to a nominal Asatru position, but the problem was still there. At Yule, it came to a head, and I walked out of my inter-faith coven/kindred/study group thing, and never went back. I even had people I'd known for years never speak to me again after that.

My carefully constructed facade crumbled again in early 2013, and I declared that I was an atheist instead. My spirit-brother disagreed, though, and said that wasn't for me. I hoped he was right, but I was still looking for some validation and verification for what I felt inside. I quit talking to the new person from 2012 for a few months. I did so mainly because I blamed her for my problems, but she was only evidence of the issue, not its cause.

I patched things up with her later, but I never quite found my pre-2012 spiritual footing again. I'd begun following some atheist Twitter accounts and Facebook groups, and when I saw things they posted, I was taken back to my feelings when watching that episode of Doctor Who.

I tried what I could bring myself to do (and not feel stupid with my new-found skepticism), such as lighting candles to Freyja, giving libations to Her, Her brother, and the other Aesir with whom I connected. (This touches on my obsession with having a "patron" God and Goddess, and how *THAT* negatively affected me even when the rest of my spiritual journey was on sure footing.) I have recently even begun wearing my hammer again, even though I no longer feel any kind of thrill when I put it on.

...and there you have it. I am trapped in a purgatory between full atheism and a wholly spiritual life with the Norse gods. I struggle with how to balance worshipping Them with utilizing my scientific skepticism, while trying to grow spiritually/mentally/emotionally/physically in an increastingly volatile world.

Recently, I've felt little nudges here and there. I don't know what to call them, and I am making a point to say that I am okay with that. These nudges are causing me to evaluate my spiritual choices for the last two years. I am starting over, in order to better examine these nudges. I am a pagan, at least insofar as I am a non-Christian earth worshipper. I place no burden or expectation on myself past that.

First thing on my To-Do List? Reading "Living with a Wild God", because my sister highly recommended it, and because she feels it might help me in my current frame of mind.

I anticipate posting my observations in here as I read through the book. I hope to have something of a solid foundation established by June 21, because I'd been feeling like that's an important date for about a month now. Wish me luck!

I believe that I promised an LJ post on Monday morning about something that happened to me on Sunday night before bed. While it's late Tuesday, here it is.

I spent a while talking about life, the universe, and everything with angersson. It was very thought-provoking, and good for my soul to discuss a lot of what I did. After we'd wrapped up, though, I decided to go outside to smoke my pipe before I turned in for the night. The evening air was just that right amount of cool to make sitting outside enjoyable -- not cold enough to need a heavy coat, not hot enough to sweat.

The things angersson and I talked about were all but literally whirling around in my head. I was just trying to calm my thoughts so I could settle down and go to sleep. Then, I inhaled my pipe again. I don't know if I had just inhaled too deeply or if there was something else going on, but I began to feel tingly all over. Not a scary tingly, but a comfortable "happy place" kind of tingly. I put my hands in my lap and closed my eyes, since I felt that it was important that I do so, for a reason that wasn't entirely clear to me. Indeed, even now, I'm hard pressed to give a reason why that seemed like a good idea at the time, other than "it seemed like a good idea at the time." :)

I could SEE the thoughts whirling around, and could feel my heart beginning to attempt to keep pace, so I decided that I would quiet myself. Going completely blank is something that is nigh impossible for me, because my brain is ALWAYS trying to do something, so I decided to visit my rock for the first time in ages.

( My Rock.. )

( What happened next.. )

There you have it. There may be a mundane explanation for it, but I'm okay either way. It felt good to feel close to a god, even for a few minutes and even if I never saw his face. I went to bed that night, and slept so wonderfully that I felt I overslept several times before I got up.

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* - I don't give a flying butt-monkey if many practitioners put the "k" at the end to differentiate it nowadays. That just looks silly and pretentious to me, and I know my audience. Y'all know what I mean. So I'm going with the correct spelling.

It has been nearly 10 months since I last used my LJ for anything other than seeing the daily LOLcats (and that's because a lot of you don't post on here anymore, either!). I've migrated pretty fully to Facebook and Twitter. Twitter's more fun, perhaps because I have to figure out what I want to say in 140 characters or less. At this point, Facebook just copies what I tweet.

At any rate, I found a link on Facebook to LJ, and wound up browsing through various user info pages, adding folks. If I just added you, then you should at least be familiar with me. The new default user pic -- which I use on Facebook, Twitter, and the Summerland Grove site -- is recent enough that you should be able to match it to me. I know a lot of you from SG anyway.

The past almost-10 months have been.. different. I courted Christianity again, dated a devout Christian (the former admittedly DID halfway occur due to the latter), wound up giving up my D&D game on Sundays forever (I never have Sunday afternoons off anymore), met a great group of people in what I am apt to call the core membership of Summerland Grove, began smoking pipes for fun, became a pagan in name (I suspect I've always been one in spirit, whether I knew it or not), decided on a spiritual path (Asatru), began dating a wonderful woman, and have grown to despise my job at Kroger so much that I almost went to a job fair (my resume was... well, completely unmade and not gonna be ready in time, plus I got called on to help my girlfriend, which I had no hesitation doing).

Of course, outing myself on my LJ as a pagan could be considered... unwise? foolhardy? I dunno. Anyone with half a brain who has watched my Twitter feed/Facebook posts will have picked up on it long ago, though I deliberately don't come right out and say it, because I live in Memphis, TN, where you're accepted for who you are...

...that is, if you're a monogamous heterosexual Conservative Christian who is intolerant of others' lifestyles and points of view. (I still classify as heterosexual, though that's the only part of that statement that still applies to me.) I have far too many Christian friends on Facebook who I suspect will try to help me "see the error of my ways", so I am mum on the subject there, but I realize I don't give a flying fuck outside of being harassed about it on Facebook. I keep quiet at work as well, just because things already are a cluster fuck there, without adding "OMG IT'S A PAGAN!!!11" to the list. I've not dedicated to a specific god, which admittedly bothers me quite a bit (to the point that I can get downright moody/depressed about it), but I'm reading everything I can get my hands on that I think will help me understand my choice of path more clearly. (I'm currently reading "Our Troth, Vol. 1", and Tyr *STILL* looks like a reasonable choice, though he no longer feels like a perfect fit.)

About two weeks ago, I went to Festival of Souls. I'd never been, and even though I had to work two days and missed the workshops, I had a lot of fun. I made a point to attend the rituals, and was.. well, "blown away" is appropriate, if a little cliched. My brother, Ricky (titus_the_mage, though he's never used it), went as well, and surprised me. He'd always referred to himself as an agnostic, or as he put it, a "chicken shit atheist", but apparently *REALLY* took to the pagan point of view. I'm still processing that he has come to that realization, though I'm glad to have a longtime close personal friend with me in this new life.

While I enjoyed every ritual, I was absolutely thunderstruck by the candlelight labyrinth held after the ancestor ritual on Friday night. The solemnity covering the field, where the candles were laid out in concentric circles that slowly led to the center, was absolute. I didn't hear any voices (consciously), nor did I have any brilliant immediately-life-changing flashes of inspiration (again, consciously), but when I had gotten out of it, I felt different. Two weeks later, I wish I had the labyrinth still up to walk again, like I have a new appreciation for it, and if I could just walk it again, even more would become clear to me.

On the D&D/RPG front, I eventually had to drop lordreaibn's 4e D&D game, because work began jumping around on Sundays for me (I don't get to do payroll like I used to, though no hard feelings for the new clerk). I briefly attempted to get a game going involving nyminal, strieson, mfsfreak, and disker and his wife, but that fell through due to lack of motivation on my part. I just no longer "feel it" where D&D is concerned. I am far more likely to wax nostalgic over my old 2e games, and how engrossing they were back then. Perhaps, when my schedule settles down some, or I change jobs, I can start a game again with some folks, perhaps even including lordreaibn, tannenwynn, marius_98, or lostgamers. I have access to a larger pool of folks, and if I mix and match 'em a bit so I'm not stuck with the same collection of people I have played with for the last ten years, things might get interesting. (I have *NO* problem with my old D&D group, but the reality is that lack of fresh blood caused things to get stale, and we all know it.)

Well, that's my life this year so far. It's an oversimplification, and you'll notice I didn't post about work. I'm on vacation for at least two more days, so I refuse to acknowledge it until then. :) Welcome to all the new people. I hope that you add me back. I want to get to know each of you better than I have so far.

Oh yeah, I also, at the urging of my girlfriend, am going to begin writing again daily, even if it's just in here. I am one of the worst procrastinators you'll ever meet, but I want this. I miss writing something down, reading it, and going "holy crap, this is GOOD."

P.S. Holy crap. I've had this account for over 8 years now. I feel damned old suddenly. :)