I lost some time once...

I am under no delusion that I'm going to even come close to the level of constant journaling I did back in 2002-2005. I still want to at least "stick" with this, though. It feels more... hmm... "genuine" than modern social media, which seems to be all memes.

So how am I doing? Here's a rundown, I guess, since I feel kinda alien even to myself these days.

Tony in 2023:

• In November 2022, I got the urge to finish watching Kimagure Orange Road again, which I started in 2019. Doing so unlocked the floodgates of nostalgia, and I have been watching anime again, ever since. 80-90% is old stuff (dating back at least 20 years, and some even goes back 40 years). A list of series includes:
  • Super Dimension Fortress Macross TV (1982)/Do You Remember Love? Movie (1984)
  
  
  • Oh My Goddess! OVA (1993)/ Ah! My Goddess Movie (2000)
  
  
  • Bakuretsu (Sorcerer) Hunters (1995)
  
  
  • Urusei Yatsura (1981)
  
  
  • Tenchi Muyo (1992)/Tenchi Universe (1995)/Movies 1 and 3 (1996 & 1999)
  
  
  • Ranma 1/2 TV (1989)
  
  
  • Sailor Moon (1993)
  
  
  • Neon Genesis Evangelion (through End of Evangelion movie) (1995)
  
  
  • Slayers (1995)
  
  
  • ..and many more (Spy x Family is a favorite from this decade, at least :) ).


• In November 2022, I also finally sat down and listened to a song by Babymetal (specifically, a live video where they performed a cover medley of Painkiller/Breaking the Law with Rob Halford). I was struck by just how much fun it was to listen to them. I would later describe Babymetal's music as "where my love of anime, Jpop, and metal intersects". I'm going to see them in Nashville in September. Alone. I'm totally excited and scared out of my mind. :)



• I've been listening to a lot less metal over all this year. I still like metal, but it doesn't quite hit me the same as it used to. I guess that's okay, but it's certainly not what I expected. I'm sure that someone better-versed in trauma responses will make an observation about not "Needing" it anymore, since a lot that used to cause me turmoil is no longer a thing (though I still have plenty of issues).



• I got Covid-19 in January, and wound up having to go to the emergency room as a result, since I couldn't breathe. While there, I learned I had Atrial Fibrillation (Afib), Heart Failure, and Diabetes Type II. I quit vaping, and began studiously tracking my food intake to keep my sodium and carbohydrates within reasonable parameters. I also finally found a primary care doctor, and began trying to take care of myself. As of July 2023, my A1C is down to 5.2 from January's 10.7, my heart ejection fraction is back to normal, and I've lost literally 100 lbs. I'm not done, yet, but the progress makes me happy.



• I lost my job of 2 years, but was rehired by the company that I worked for from 5 years ago until 2 years ago (gotta love corporate shuffling). I will withhold excitement for when I see a paycheck stub, but it looks like I'm making more money.



• My father passed away on June 6, at 83 years old. I'm going to miss the old man, and I wish I had taken more time to talk to him, but there was no animosity -- I think we both realized that I had turned out like him after all.



• I have lost a lot of my desire to play RPGs. Much like metal, it just doesn't grab me like it once did. I still like reading about games, and I love watching documentaries about the history of the game. The Secrets of Blackmoor is rather good.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Take care, anyone who happened to stumble on this journal. With luck, I'll return in a day or two.

I just finished watching the original Macross series.

I'm at a loss for words. I miss it already. 

So, in the interest of beating a dead horse, I'm going to talk about anime again today.

You see, I am (re)discovering the unbridled joy that came from watching it, particularly the stuff that I was into when I was in my late teens and early 20s (Ranma 1/2, Tenchi Muyo, Kimagure Orange Road, Macross, Bubblegum Crisis, and similar). Only this time, I don't think I have any fucks to give for anyone who might naysay my choice of pastimes. That's not to say that I was overly worried then, but on my way home, listening to Two-Mix in my car, I found myself saying firmly, "I'm an anime fan. I'm an otaku. I'm a geek. I'm even a metalhead. I do not fear fandom labels, because they're the things I like, and --"

That's when I had to make the left turn, and focused on the oncoming traffic instead. :)

Regardless, though, there was a liberating feeling to that thought, and I liked it. I'm a Star Wars fan. I'm an RPG fan. I'm a gaming (role-playing, board, card, video) fan. I'm a Brandon Sanderson fan. I'm a sci-fi fan. I'm a Game of Thrones fan. I'm a Tolkien fan. I'm a Harry Potter fan. I'm a Marvel Universe fan. I'm also a DC Universe fan. I'm a fan of Neil Gaiman, and am generally in love with the cast of characters from his various books. I'm a music fan. I'm a fan of Iron Maiden. I'm a fan of Nightwish. I'm a fan of Helloween. I'm a fan of Sarah Brightman, Hayley Westenra, Josh Groban, Loreena McKennitt, and Enya.

In some small way, listening to anime music (and watching anime) has reminded me that it's okay to like the things I do, no matter what society has decided is appropriate for someone my age. For gods' sakes, if I was to truly measure myself by society's standards, I really would be planning to end it all, because a car is about the only "grown up" thing I can say I've "accomplished". House? Nope. "Grown-up" job making enough to support my family? Nope. Significant other? Nope. Kids? Absolutely not.

All this from listening to anime soundtrack music? Oddly, yes, more or less. You see, some of this has come from self-reflection since that thought, but the principle still applies. I also want to stress that I'm in no way suddenly "better", and free from my depression and anxiety. First, today was a stressful work day, but I was able to manage it, and I never got overwhelmed. Second, the pragmatic side of me reasons that this could be -- to use older parlance with which I'm at least passingly familiar -- a manic mood, or "high", that's a counterpoint to the abysmal low I was living with last weekend. I suppose that the main thing is that I'm not questioning it.

I'm off Monday. I am going to get up, pick up my Kimagure Orange Road TV box set from the post office, get my brother and take him to replace his cell phone, and then I'm going to run by Best Buy and pick up an external DVD/CD-RW. I considered going for a Blu-Ray drive, but 1) my anime is only DVD, 2) a DVD drive is over half as cheap as the Blu-Ray player, and 3) the Blu-Ray player needed USB 3.0 to run, and I only have one port for that (which is given over to my 1TB HDD, which would run horribly on USB 2.0).

---

P.S.: It doesn't hurt my mood at all, that management has responded to my more resolute and positive outlook by being more positive and understanding. Basically, the worse I'm doing on an emotional and mental level, the less understanding and the more hurtful they get. Yeah, this place does *NOT* deserve my loyalty at all.

Next up: taking stock of what all I have, and weeding out what I don't need/want. However, unlike last time, I'm going to keep it all, but separate it from the main collection. Then, if I still am disinterested in it in, say, six months, then I'll see about selling it.