tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
If you get to know me well enough, eventually you'll hear about my desire to find someone with whom I can share my life. You'll hear how I'm looking for that one person who completes me, and makes me feel stronger than I ever did alone. Well, maybe not recently. "M" from New Jersey saw to that. You don't know who "M" is? That's a long tale all by itself..

It all began in October 2004. )The point of that long, rambling tale was that she made a snide comment about guys saying she "completed" them. It bugged me, because I realized that she was at least partly right. I need to be a complete person by myself, before I ever think of being part of something bigger than me. Ever since then, I've avoided allowing myself to think like that for any woman I've felt for (which has not been a terribly long list). It could even stand to reason that her words caused me to hide my feelings and hide FROM my feelings enough that it damaged what relationships I have tried.

I recognize that I need to work on me. It's vital for me to try, because I still believe -- deep down -- that there's someone out there for me. How can I know, though, when I get scared everytime I find myself getting close to someone? How can I find that other half that makes my own whole even more complete, if I can't be with someone without trying to find out why I don't need to be with her? It's a horrible vicious circle, and one that I guess I still have to work on.

I actually am generally happy alone, now. I don't have to be around someone to feel validated or worthwhile. Ironically, though, that independence has caused me to resent being involved with someone, because of the expectations that come from being involved with someone. So while I feel more okay with myself on one hand, with the other I'm pushing against the very thing that I claim to want to find.

It isn't that I think my standards are too high. I think that my standards have been set so high so I won't find anyone who fits them. I have even told msyelf that, because I didn't live up to my own standards for my dream woman, I didn't have to worry about finding anyone, because I wasn't ready. Yet, I still want that magical relationship. So, I relax on my standards, and I find someone I could be happy with, and yet, those standards come back and make me second guess how I feel and how comfortable I am with things after all. Perhaps I move too fast, subconsciously trying to "make up lost time", and when I realize how far I moved, I panic. I wish I knew.

The past year has taught me a lot about myself, and where my comfort zones are. I can honestly say that, even though I'm still more down on myself than I should be, I also feel more confident than ever, simply because I've met so many new people, who all seem to accept me for what they see, and no more. There are no hidden agendas (mostly), and I feel the love coming from folks. I'm closer to some of the people that I've met in the last year than I am to friends and family I've known for most of my life. Yet, that's not enough by itself. I still need to figure "me" out, and "me" is a broad picture.

I could list the things I want to change about myself, but I've learned that lists of things I need to work on just intimidate me into ignoring the list altogether. One could definitely say that I need to a ton of shadow work, and I wouldn't argue. For the time being, I'm going to lose the excess weight I've been carrying, because that's not what I want, regardless.

I just want to find that relationship sometime before I'm too old to enjoy it. I also worry that my soulmate was the girl I hung out for one evening when I was 16-17, when we met through some mutual friends. By the end of the night, I was in love. I wish I had asked for her number, because I never saw her again. It could be that I've built it up over the years, but I remember feeling like I was on cloud 9 when we dropped her off that night, and everyone noticed how we were clicking.

Live and learn, I guess. Does anyone know if one can have more than one true love in a life? Heh. I better believe it myself, or I am in trouble. :-/

Time for bed, because work will be coming early tomorrow...



1 - No, we never dated in name, but she told me she loved me, I sent her flowers and wrote her poetry. And, in the fallout of that night, I hurt like only someone who was in love could.

2 - I'd asked her out for Valentine's Day back in October, so it was a "date" trip. Yeah, a date trip with your little brother and a friend, both of whom were interested in her as well. Riiight.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
I spent my day off today doing nothing but downloading songs from iTunes (that I already paid for -- iTunes now allows you to redownload things you've purchased), and watching movies. Wow, have I been watching movies today. Let's see. I started the day with "The Hangover", then watched "Problem Child". Next, I found "She's Out of My League". Finally, I gave in and ordered "Rango" via OnDemand. All were great, and I am thoroughly glad I had the chance to watch "Rango", and it was a darned hoot of a good time (the Spirit of the West scene alone was killer).

The movie that had me thinking was "She's Out of My League". Those of you who know me well enough, know how I tend to view myself in general. I definitely identified with Kirk, a 20-something who had never gone to college, felt stuck at his dead-end job, was unlucky in love, and felt like he would never accomplish his dreams. I'll point out that Alice Eve, who played Molly1, is also beautiful, and the character was very likable, so it was really easy to feel the movie (as a result, that is a movie that I am going to pick up on DVD/Blu-Ray sooner or later -- one of the first movies to pass the "is it good enough to BUY?" litmus test I came up with a year or two ago... but I digress).

Click for the rest of my wake-up call )

Well, that's most of what's running through my head right now. It's a jumble, and I'm sure there's something that I missed, but I decided that it was past time to share. Who knows? Maybe someone I know out there will have advice or say something I need to hear..


1 -- Why is it that the name "Molly" makes my blood move just a bit faster?

2 -- Bringing up that reality would mean they'd argue and possibly break up -- or actually live happily ever after -- is another post altogether.

3 -- I don't believe in multiple orders from one car in a drive-thru. It's discourteous.
tek2way: Nature - Daylit Clouds (Nature - Daylit Clouds)
It has been a while since I last posted here. Additionally, those posts are gone, scattered to the four winds of time and space. In my naivety, I believed that no one was actually watching here, and consequently suffered for it. I *KNOW* better than to post things on the Internet and expect them to stay hush hush. I have learned, and am moving on. I'll speak no more about it.



I spent my day off today doing nothing but downloading songs from iTunes (that I already paid for -- iTunes now allows you to redownload things you've purchased), and watching movies. Wow, have I been watching movies todady. Let's see. I started the day with "The Hangover", then watched "Problem Child". Next, I found "She's Out of My League". Finally, I gave in and ordered "Rango" via OnDemand. All were great, and I am thoroughly glad I had the chance to watch "Rango", and it was a darned hoot of a good time (the Spirit of the West scene alone was killer).

The movie that had me thinking was "She's Out of My League". Those of you who know me well enough, know how I tend to view myself in general. I definitely identified with Kirk, a 20-something who had never gone to college, felt stuck at his dead-end job, was unlucky in love, and felt like he would never accomplish his dreams. I'll point out that Alice Eve, who played Molly1, is also beautiful, and the character was very likable, so it was really easy to feel the movie (as a result, that is a movie that I am going to pick up on DVD/Blu-Ray sooner or later -- one of the first movies to pass the "is it good enough to BUY?" litmus test I came up with a year or two ago... but I digress).

Click for the rest of my wake-up call )

Well, that's most of what's running through my head right now. It's a jumble, and I'm sure there's something that I missed, but I decided that it was past time to share. Who knows? Maybe someone I know out there will have advice or say something I need to hear..


1 -- Why is it that the name "Molly" makes my blood move just a bit faster?

2 -- Bringing up that reality would mean they'd argue and possibly break up -- or actually live happily ever after -- is another post altogether.

3 -- I don't believe in multiple orders from one car in a drive-thru. It's discourteous.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Music - Transcendence)
I'd originally asked to go on vacation this week (01/04/09-01/10/09), but was turned down. As a result, I had no idea when I was going to get to go, but I knew it had to be soon-ish, since I'd requested my first vacation officially in either January or February. Then, yesterday I talked about putting off getting into my new habits of eating right and exercising properly (even if it's just walking at first).

Talk about being called out.

I got to work yesterday, and what'd I see? I work 6a-11a tomorrow to do payroll (and I'll be leaving at 10am, you can bank on that!), and then I'm off the rest of the week. Yup. "Vacation" came a LOT faster than I suspected. :) All in all, though, this is a surprise that I can live with.

Now, I am cleaning my room more thoroughly than I have in a few weeks (while I've not let it get nasty, it's not been in tip-top shape, which is what I'm rectifying), getting my laundry done and put away, and planning on going to the grocery store later, so I'll have proper food in the house for next week.

Anyone have any ideas on how to reintroduce someone to vegetables? I'm good about the canned kind (green beans, carrots, corn), but 1) I don't like spending a lot of time cooking or dirtying dishes, especially on work nights and 2) I'm not sure how to prep vegetables in an appealing way (I usually just heat and add 'em on the side of whatever meat I'm eating). I know my biggest hurdle is to get into the habit of eating more vegetables, as they'll fill me up and are almost universally good enough for me that I could gorge on 'em and not suffer ill consequences.
Something interesting I learned the other night is that Low Sodium V-8 juice (original, not the fruit juices) has twice the potassium as the regular, in addition to half the sodium. Oh, and it tastes about the same. Talk about win-win. :)
I have finished sortingmy currently clean clothes away. Now, to start a load of laundry, take a shower, and change my bed clothes, though not necessarily in that order.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Music - Threshold)
Beginning this week, I have started noticing what I eat, what I weigh, and how I feel. I'm not using a spreadsheet to track exact caloric intake or getting on a scale. I'm just paying attention, where once I didn't.

I realize that I need to lose some weight, and that I would be happier once I lose that weight. Happier in that I know I'll feel better. As it is now, I can tell that I can't do much without getting winded, and that the weight I'm carrying can't be good.

However, I've decided to put off doing anything drastically about it until after I begin my vacation, which shouldn't be more than a month away. Breaking years-old eating and exercise habits will require some focus, and I feel that being free from work will give me the room I need to get used to the idea.

At any rate, I have work now, so I better leave. Another lovely 5p-2a shift. At least I'm off tomorrow.
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tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Art (Whelan) - Hourglass)
I'm not entirely sure where to begin. I suppose that this morning is a good place, huh? :)

When I woke up, I fully did NOT want to bother with work today. It wasn't that I didn't get squat for sleep. Instead, I'd done most of my ring errors for payroll yesterday, so I knew I didn't have much to do when I went in. I wasn't going to let myself be late over that, though, so I dressed and got to work close enough on time to be okay (I was one minute late, but the morning checker was like 3-4, the self-checkout girl was 15, and the CSM -- who was doing the end of week paperwork, was 16).

Payroll was as I thought it would be if I was allowed time to work on it during the week leading up to Sunday. Yesterday, I was brought upstairs to get all errors fixed, so that the Co-manager would know how things were going before his off day today. As a result, I flew through payroll, which turned out to be rather beneficial, since we had four -- count 'em, four -- call-ins today. I don't know what was in the water, but that was ridiculous. I took my lunch early, and helped keep things going smoothly until I left at 3p.

One thing happened while I was there, though. I had to call another store to report a new tranfer's hours, since he'd not been moved into my store's Time & Attendance database. To make the call, I had to find their information on our intranet, which lists who department heads/managers are in each store, along with contact info for the store. I was suddenly struck by how many people had worked for Kroger for less than 10 years, yet were Drug/GM managers and Front End managers and Produce managers and so on. I have over 14 years with the company, and in that time, I've allowed myself to be content with working in accounting as a regular clerk. Sure, at Riverdale I was "backup", but that was in name only, and I never took advantage of it.

Back in 1998, a co-manager said of me, "he's ready to be the backup of any head checker in the city." I was 22 at the time. I had my life ahead of me, and that would have been a nice step up. Instead, I deprioritized my job/career, and coasted through it. Apparently, as long as I collected a check, I was okay, even if I griped about how poorly I felt I was paid. I realized today that, every evaluation, I wanted it to say "is ready to move up into another position", even though I didn't want to go anywhere, because that would have taken me out of my comfort zone. That is insane.

As a result, I'm working at a store where I've been shoved back down a rung on the corporate ladder, because they don't know me like my old store did. Because of how I handled things when I first arrived, I'm not likely to see that change. My only hope is to get out of that store or find another job. Honestly, the second option is probably more likely, as that stigma from my current store could follow me. Besides, who would want a 33 year old accounting clerk who can't even be a backup, despite knowing most of the job?

What in the world was I thinking for all those years?
Also, I realized that I want to keep an inventory of what passes my lips during a typical week, so that I can see exactly how badly I eat. I tried to keep up mentally at first, but I realize I'm going to have to keep a log handy (in my wallet), so I can jot down details of what I eat during the day. I will begin tomorrow, now, for sure.

I came home, and decided I'd play some WoW. It was raining, and I didn't want to attempt to start walking or otherwise on a day like today. I hopped on my holy paladin, and flew around Northrend, collecting ore for my blacksmithing. I traded some titanium for more saronite, and got my blacksmithing skill to 448. Tapping into my bank reserves, I bought a few more raw materials off of the auction house, and made my Titansteel Guardian. I've lost a bit of crit, though, so I may wind up using gems to make up the difference until I can begin picking up heroic and naxx pieces.

Having done that, I logged out, made a quickie dinner of a chicken pattie and cheese on bread. :) Now, I'm going to attempt to get some shuteye and relax. My birthday is on Wednesday, and while I *am* off, I work the rest of the week.
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