tek2way: Anime - UN Spacy (Anime - UN Spacy)
So, in the interest of beating a dead horse, I'm going to talk about anime again today.

You see, I am (re)discovering the unbridled joy that came from watching it, particularly the stuff that I was into when I was in my late teens and early 20s (Ranma 1/2, Tenchi Muyo, Kimagure Orange Road, Macross, Bubblegum Crisis, and similar). Only this time, I don't think I have any fucks to give for anyone who might naysay my choice of pastimes. That's not to say that I was overly worried then, but on my way home, listening to Two-Mix in my car, I found myself saying firmly, "I'm an anime fan. I'm an otaku. I'm a geek. I'm even a metalhead. I do not fear fandom labels, because they're the things I like, and --"

That's when I had to make the left turn, and focused on the oncoming traffic instead. :)

Regardless, though, there was a liberating feeling to that thought, and I liked it. I'm a Star Wars fan. I'm an RPG fan. I'm a gaming (role-playing, board, card, video) fan. I'm a Brandon Sanderson fan. I'm a sci-fi fan. I'm a Game of Thrones fan. I'm a Tolkien fan. I'm a Harry Potter fan. I'm a Marvel Universe fan. I'm also a DC Universe fan. I'm a fan of Neil Gaiman, and am generally in love with the cast of characters from his various books. I'm a music fan. I'm a fan of Iron Maiden. I'm a fan of Nightwish. I'm a fan of Helloween. I'm a fan of Sarah Brightman, Hayley Westenra, Josh Groban, Loreena McKennitt, and Enya.

In some small way, listening to anime music (and watching anime) has reminded me that it's okay to like the things I do, no matter what society has decided is appropriate for someone my age. For gods' sakes, if I was to truly measure myself by society's standards, I really would be planning to end it all, because a car is about the only "grown up" thing I can say I've "accomplished". House? Nope. "Grown-up" job making enough to support my family? Nope. Significant other? Nope. Kids? Absolutely not.

All this from listening to anime soundtrack music? Oddly, yes, more or less. You see, some of this has come from self-reflection since that thought, but the principle still applies. I also want to stress that I'm in no way suddenly "better", and free from my depression and anxiety. First, today was a stressful work day, but I was able to manage it, and I never got overwhelmed. Second, the pragmatic side of me reasons that this could be -- to use older parlance with which I'm at least passingly familiar -- a manic mood, or "high", that's a counterpoint to the abysmal low I was living with last weekend. I suppose that the main thing is that I'm not questioning it.

I'm off Monday. I am going to get up, pick up my Kimagure Orange Road TV box set from the post office, get my brother and take him to replace his cell phone, and then I'm going to run by Best Buy and pick up an external DVD/CD-RW. I considered going for a Blu-Ray drive, but 1) my anime is only DVD, 2) a DVD drive is over half as cheap as the Blu-Ray player, and 3) the Blu-Ray player needed USB 3.0 to run, and I only have one port for that (which is given over to my 1TB HDD, which would run horribly on USB 2.0).



P.S.: It doesn't hurt my mood at all, that management has responded to my more resolute and positive outlook by being more positive and understanding. Basically, the worse I'm doing on an emotional and mental level, the less understanding and the more hurtful they get. Yeah, this place does *NOT* deserve my loyalty at all.

Next up: taking stock of what all I have, and weeding out what I don't need/want. However, unlike last time, I'm going to keep it all, but separate it from the main collection. Then, if I still am disinterested in it in, say, six months, then I'll see about selling it.
tek2way: Anime - Ayukawa (Anime - Ayukawa)
Since I migrated my entire journal from LJ over to here, I guess I'll call this a fresh start.

I have been absolutely horrid about posing on my blog since establishing a regular presence on Facebook and other social media. I recall, shortly before I quit bothering with LJ on any kind of regular basis, something that would pull the day's tweets from your Twitter account, and post that on LJ as your post for the day. In our desire to have a meaningful existence online, we have decided to phone it in, and just pretend we are doing anything noteworthy.

Anyway..

Taken together, my LJ and DW-original posts tally to 2000 (1955 LJ and 45 DW, who'd'a thunk it?). This means I just am going to abandon the numbering completely. The idea was to keep up with how I was doing, but I also realized that people who might not see a filtered post would be able to easily figure out that they were cut from one. Besides, it's incorrigibly dull to dutifully number each post like lines on a sheet of notebook paper. You spend so much trying to make everything pretty, that you lose the thread of what you want to do.

In my case, I have become painfully disconnected from my creativity. I struggle daily to come up with ideas that I consider worth converting into some kind of story. I'm easily discouraged from pursuing ideas that I do have. Things just feel... too big. I'd like to dismiss it as a non-issue, but it's honestly gone on for too long. All I know to do is start typing something in here every night, if I can.



Today, though I just bought a plane ticket to go to New York, I spent almost $200 on the Kimagure Orange Road TV series complete box set. I feel horribly guilty about it, but I have a justification for it. You see, I've been watching the KOR TV DVDs on eBay for well over a year. Not only did I never find an English-language box set for sale, I never even saw individual DVDs for less than $20-25 each. That's $280-300 minimum for the series. To find it for only $15 a piece, and from a reputable seller (Goodwill) was surprising.

I still feel guilty, but this is my favorite series, I'm not avoiding paying bills to do this, and this is also something I did with Kevin. You see, back before Kickstarter, AnimEigo had to talk people into preordering the TV series to make it. I went in on the VHS set with Kevin. We technically each owned half of the series, though I think he left them at my house initially. After I fell on some hard times financially, I ceded complete ownership of the series to him. I always meant to get some blank VHS tapes to record a copy, but never got around to it.

Years later, AnimEigo released them on DVD, in what I can only imagine as their swan song from anime publishing, because they folded soon after finishing the DVD releases (in fact, I think I've read that they were trying to get them out before their license for KOR expired). I knew about the OVAs they released, but I never heard or thought about the TV series. So, for years, my OVAs have been sitting on my shelf, surrounded by other anime, but nothing else.

So, I will finally have everything released for KOR in a DVD format. It's something that I cannot deny that I've wanted for a long time, so I will just accept the monetary hit and count my blessings at finding it so cheaply. Next, I will start saving everything I can, for I like having money in savings, and giving my money to McDonald's and Wendy's for the convenience to eat the crap they sell is no longer as satisfying as it used to be.



Well, work comes early tomorrow, so I better call it a night.
tek2way: Nature - Lightning Storm (Nature - Lightning Storm)
I'd begun working on a post about my evening, that even had a nice length to it, but inadvertently closed the window before I could post it or save it as a draft. (I was simply editing a catagory to put it into... that'll teach me. :( )

Long story short, I didn't sleep much last night, came home tired, went to bed early. I woke up around 8pm, talked to [personal profile] driver88junkie a bit, and wasted a couple of hours on Cracked.com. When I was ready to go to sleep, I found I was too hot, so I moved my fan, which lead from one thing to the next, until I had moved an end table in my living room to accomodate my hardy plant. It now as a perch by the window, instead of being on the floor. I also thought of a few other things I could do to redecorate my living room, without touching the things on the walls.

Now, I will go inside and likely get about 4 hours of sleep. I'll wish I had gotten more, and my day will hopefully start calmly enough, like Sundays generally do.

I might take a nap when I get home, because I am beginning to notice that I feel most creative when I first wake up. I don't know if that sounds strange or normal, and I don't care. :) I want desperately to get back to writing on a regular basis, and I want to write more than just blog posts that no one ever seems to read. Even if no one reads my prose or poetry, I feel a growing NEED to put my thoughts for stories and such into print on a screen, or on paper. This laptop facilitates my desire to do so, because I'm not bound at that bulky desk; currently, I'm outside, enjoying the decently temperate evening.

Well, I feel weariness finally creeping back into my bones, and my eyelids are asking me to shut them for a few hours, so I'm going to oblige them and hope that I dream something really wonderful.

This will also probably be the last non-religion post I do on this blog. I am going to stick to what I'd originally planned, and post my journey into paganism in this blog. My LJ will be for my day to day updates, my WordPress will eventually be where I post my thoughts about the writing process, as well as where I post some of the things I write. Of course, Twitter will be my usual day-to-day bitch session, and Facebook will just be there, because it's Facebook. :)

Good night, friends. :)
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Music - Dead Winter Dead)
I'd begun working on a post about my evening, that even had a nice length to it, but inadvertently closed the window before I could post it or save it as a draft. (I was simply editing a catagory to put it into... that'll teach me. :( )

Long story short, I didn't sleep much last night, came home tired, went to bed early. I woke up around 8pm, talked to [livejournal.com profile] driver88junkie a bit, and wasted a couple of hours on Cracked.com. When I was ready to go to sleep, I found I was too hot, so I moved my fan, which lead from one thing to the next, until I had moved an end table in my living room to accomodate my hardy plant. It now as a perch by the window, instead of being on the floor. I also thought of a few other things I could do to redecorate my living room, without touching the things on the walls.

Now, I will go inside and likely get about 4 hours of sleep. I'll wish I had gotten more, and my day will hopefully start calmly enough, like Sundays generally do.

I might take a nap when I get home, because I am beginning to notice that I feel most creative when I first wake up. I don't know if that sounds strange or normal, and I don't care. :) I want desperately to get back to writing on a regular basis, and I want to write more than just blog posts that no one ever seems to read. Even if no one reads my prose or poetry, I feel a growing NEED to put my thoughts for stories and such into print on a screen, or on paper. This laptop facilitates my desire to do so, because I'm not bound at that bulky desk; currently, I'm outside, enjoying the decently temperate evening.

Well, I feel weariness finally creeping back into my bones, and my eyelids are asking me to shut them for a few hours, so I'm going to oblige them and hope that I dream something really wonderful.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
If you get to know me well enough, eventually you'll hear about my desire to find someone with whom I can share my life. You'll hear how I'm looking for that one person who completes me, and makes me feel stronger than I ever did alone. Well, maybe not recently. "M" from New Jersey saw to that. You don't know who "M" is? That's a long tale all by itself..

It all began in October 2004. )The point of that long, rambling tale was that she made a snide comment about guys saying she "completed" them. It bugged me, because I realized that she was at least partly right. I need to be a complete person by myself, before I ever think of being part of something bigger than me. Ever since then, I've avoided allowing myself to think like that for any woman I've felt for (which has not been a terribly long list). It could even stand to reason that her words caused me to hide my feelings and hide FROM my feelings enough that it damaged what relationships I have tried.

I recognize that I need to work on me. It's vital for me to try, because I still believe -- deep down -- that there's someone out there for me. How can I know, though, when I get scared everytime I find myself getting close to someone? How can I find that other half that makes my own whole even more complete, if I can't be with someone without trying to find out why I don't need to be with her? It's a horrible vicious circle, and one that I guess I still have to work on.

I actually am generally happy alone, now. I don't have to be around someone to feel validated or worthwhile. Ironically, though, that independence has caused me to resent being involved with someone, because of the expectations that come from being involved with someone. So while I feel more okay with myself on one hand, with the other I'm pushing against the very thing that I claim to want to find.

It isn't that I think my standards are too high. I think that my standards have been set so high so I won't find anyone who fits them. I have even told msyelf that, because I didn't live up to my own standards for my dream woman, I didn't have to worry about finding anyone, because I wasn't ready. Yet, I still want that magical relationship. So, I relax on my standards, and I find someone I could be happy with, and yet, those standards come back and make me second guess how I feel and how comfortable I am with things after all. Perhaps I move too fast, subconsciously trying to "make up lost time", and when I realize how far I moved, I panic. I wish I knew.

The past year has taught me a lot about myself, and where my comfort zones are. I can honestly say that, even though I'm still more down on myself than I should be, I also feel more confident than ever, simply because I've met so many new people, who all seem to accept me for what they see, and no more. There are no hidden agendas (mostly), and I feel the love coming from folks. I'm closer to some of the people that I've met in the last year than I am to friends and family I've known for most of my life. Yet, that's not enough by itself. I still need to figure "me" out, and "me" is a broad picture.

I could list the things I want to change about myself, but I've learned that lists of things I need to work on just intimidate me into ignoring the list altogether. One could definitely say that I need to a ton of shadow work, and I wouldn't argue. For the time being, I'm going to lose the excess weight I've been carrying, because that's not what I want, regardless.

I just want to find that relationship sometime before I'm too old to enjoy it. I also worry that my soulmate was the girl I hung out for one evening when I was 16-17, when we met through some mutual friends. By the end of the night, I was in love. I wish I had asked for her number, because I never saw her again. It could be that I've built it up over the years, but I remember feeling like I was on cloud 9 when we dropped her off that night, and everyone noticed how we were clicking.

Live and learn, I guess. Does anyone know if one can have more than one true love in a life? Heh. I better believe it myself, or I am in trouble. :-/

Time for bed, because work will be coming early tomorrow...



1 - No, we never dated in name, but she told me she loved me, I sent her flowers and wrote her poetry. And, in the fallout of that night, I hurt like only someone who was in love could.

2 - I'd asked her out for Valentine's Day back in October, so it was a "date" trip. Yeah, a date trip with your little brother and a friend, both of whom were interested in her as well. Riiight.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
I spent my day off today doing nothing but downloading songs from iTunes (that I already paid for -- iTunes now allows you to redownload things you've purchased), and watching movies. Wow, have I been watching movies today. Let's see. I started the day with "The Hangover", then watched "Problem Child". Next, I found "She's Out of My League". Finally, I gave in and ordered "Rango" via OnDemand. All were great, and I am thoroughly glad I had the chance to watch "Rango", and it was a darned hoot of a good time (the Spirit of the West scene alone was killer).

The movie that had me thinking was "She's Out of My League". Those of you who know me well enough, know how I tend to view myself in general. I definitely identified with Kirk, a 20-something who had never gone to college, felt stuck at his dead-end job, was unlucky in love, and felt like he would never accomplish his dreams. I'll point out that Alice Eve, who played Molly1, is also beautiful, and the character was very likable, so it was really easy to feel the movie (as a result, that is a movie that I am going to pick up on DVD/Blu-Ray sooner or later -- one of the first movies to pass the "is it good enough to BUY?" litmus test I came up with a year or two ago... but I digress).

Click for the rest of my wake-up call )

Well, that's most of what's running through my head right now. It's a jumble, and I'm sure there's something that I missed, but I decided that it was past time to share. Who knows? Maybe someone I know out there will have advice or say something I need to hear..


1 -- Why is it that the name "Molly" makes my blood move just a bit faster?

2 -- Bringing up that reality would mean they'd argue and possibly break up -- or actually live happily ever after -- is another post altogether.

3 -- I don't believe in multiple orders from one car in a drive-thru. It's discourteous.
tek2way: Nature - Daylit Clouds (Nature - Daylit Clouds)
It has been a while since I last posted here. Additionally, those posts are gone, scattered to the four winds of time and space. In my naivety, I believed that no one was actually watching here, and consequently suffered for it. I *KNOW* better than to post things on the Internet and expect them to stay hush hush. I have learned, and am moving on. I'll speak no more about it.



I spent my day off today doing nothing but downloading songs from iTunes (that I already paid for -- iTunes now allows you to redownload things you've purchased), and watching movies. Wow, have I been watching movies todady. Let's see. I started the day with "The Hangover", then watched "Problem Child". Next, I found "She's Out of My League". Finally, I gave in and ordered "Rango" via OnDemand. All were great, and I am thoroughly glad I had the chance to watch "Rango", and it was a darned hoot of a good time (the Spirit of the West scene alone was killer).

The movie that had me thinking was "She's Out of My League". Those of you who know me well enough, know how I tend to view myself in general. I definitely identified with Kirk, a 20-something who had never gone to college, felt stuck at his dead-end job, was unlucky in love, and felt like he would never accomplish his dreams. I'll point out that Alice Eve, who played Molly1, is also beautiful, and the character was very likable, so it was really easy to feel the movie (as a result, that is a movie that I am going to pick up on DVD/Blu-Ray sooner or later -- one of the first movies to pass the "is it good enough to BUY?" litmus test I came up with a year or two ago... but I digress).

Click for the rest of my wake-up call )

Well, that's most of what's running through my head right now. It's a jumble, and I'm sure there's something that I missed, but I decided that it was past time to share. Who knows? Maybe someone I know out there will have advice or say something I need to hear..


1 -- Why is it that the name "Molly" makes my blood move just a bit faster?

2 -- Bringing up that reality would mean they'd argue and possibly break up -- or actually live happily ever after -- is another post altogether.

3 -- I don't believe in multiple orders from one car in a drive-thru. It's discourteous.

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tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
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