I hopped on iTunes, downloaded it to my iPhone, and began to loop it. For nearly an hour, from around 3-430 or so, I danced willy-nilly around my apartment. I am grateful for the ground floor unit for that reason. I felt almost trance-like when I was singing along with the chorus in my head: "I believe, I believe, I believe..." Twelve times before it said "in love". Listening to that song, fresh from watching the movie with an actress whose costuming and appearance are so closely connected to what I want to find in a soulmate, I almost felt like I was chanting an affirmation to Freyja that I had not given up on finding that love.
This feeling was so strong, that I actually lit my candles and turned off my artificial lights, and continued to dance, flail, spin, lip sync, sway, and step in time to the song. I looped it so many times, I literally lost count. I had poured an offering of Innis & Gunn beer as an offering to Heimdall, to watch over the mother of a friend. Partway through the dancing, I got the mental nudge/urge to share my Angry Orchard Elderflower Cider with Freyja. Grabbing a margarita goblet, I filled it up and placed it on my Freyja altar. I then gave myself up completely to the music and moment for almost an hour.
I finally began to wind down, and snuffed the candles on my Freyja altar (in my living room), and retreated to my bedroom, where my main altar was still lit. After a few more repetitions, I snuffed those candles and went to sleep.
I had no moments of startling clarity or insight. I just felt like I was supposed to be up and dancing/moving, and I felt like I was supposed to share the cider with Her. Does that make my experience less sincere or valid? Was I assuming it was Freyja, when it might have been some other deity? I often get hung up on questions like this. I have a problem with worrying that my path is "proper" or "valid" or even "real".
After talking to Kendra last week, I feel much better about my path not being quite a perfect fit for the name I use for it: Asatru/Heathen. Yet, when I have these moments that don't seem to appear in any kind of documented lore, I worry that I'm "doing it wrong."
If I am not "doing it wrong" (and I honestly am willing to accept that I'm not, even as I have to adjust my mind to that belief), then what did last night mean? It was such a surreal experience. I went to bed physically worn out and content mentally, yet I never really got the sensation that I truly grasped what it was I was supposed to. I felt some kind of close connection, but my own self-doubt and fears and skepticism kept me from identifying it more closely.
Thanks for reading. I am trying something new with this post: I'm posting it to Facebook under my "Pagan Friendly" filter, so those who know me there can view it too, if they wish. I'm not fishing for answers. I just feel that I should be sharing this, and I hate Facebook notes.