tek2way: Endless - Death (Bachalo) (Endless - Death (Bachalo))
A friend, Justin, changed his cover photo to one of Death, Sandman's older sister. Another friend commented that she loved Death. This isn't my attempt to outdo her or him. I just have to share this occasionally, and when the urge strikes, it's damned near overpowering.

I was going to say, but refrained from saying:

"I have been in love with her since 1993. I've never looked at anyone the way I looked at her. Good or bad, I have never been able to feel for anyone the way that I feel for her."

Ever since this panel in Sandman #56.. I can feel it every time I read the page below. I once did an LJ post about it, but I don't know if I could find it now, because I don't know when I did the post originally. Suffice to say that I woke from a dream that felt very real in which I'd been traveling with her. The thing that makes it feel real, even today, is that my heart was hurting bad enough it took my breath away, all because I knew that waking separated me from her.

Anyway, here it is.

 photo Funeral-Death-561_zpsylvgnp3b.jpg
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tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
(I noticed the fact about 21 as I was looking for a title of the post, and well, 42 answers everything, so... :) )

Today is Litha. Some call it Midsummer (which it is), while some simply say it's the first day of Summer. All are correct, in their own fashion.

Around a fortnight back, I wrote a post where I explained where I was, and how I'd gotten there. It was a kind of "the state of me" post. For those who read it, it allowed them to see how I'd gotten where I am (conflicted almost-athiest with norse and celtic leanings, and a skeptic wanting desperately to believe in magic). For me, it gave me a chance to analyze my choices that brought me to this point, without the emotions roiling around when an event is fresh in my mind.

I ended that post by saying that I hoped to have something in mind by June 21, because that date has been feeling important to me for over a month now.

Well, it's just past 9pm local time on June 21, and I can sum up my day in less than five seconds: slept, read, slept, played WoW, ate, slept, read, baked, read, slept. I was going to list specifics, but after working on it for 10 minutes, I decided it doesn't really matter. I spent the day alone, slept when I needed to, and spent more time reading than I have in one day in several months.

I don't know much about what Litha means historically. One of my Norse friends just calls it "the barbecue of the gods", and many consider it an excuse to have a pool involved. While I seem to recall that my Norse friend said it was more like Beltaine, because of the shorter growing season, that doesn't work for someone living at the 35th parallel. I could have done some research on it, like I'd suggested in the previous post, but I didn't, because I am still uncertain about what my next step is.

This time of year has a lot of meaning for some reason that wasn't immediately clear when I started writing this post. Apparently, I tend to get things or do things around this time of year.

Four years ago, right around this date (I beleive it was June 23), I got my first hammer in the mail. It was from Alchemy Gothic. I thought it was nice, and a pretty cool hammer, though my Norse friend had a note of contempt in his voice for Alchemy Gothic. I should have ignored that, because it was MY hammer, for ME. I didn't, though, and the fact that I recall that detail four years later is really telling.

Three years ago, on this date, I ordered The Druidcraft Tarot. I like the deck, but I don't "feel" Tarot. I won't say I "feel" the Runes, either, but I get a much better feeling from them, perhaps because of my association with words over images. When I work with the Runes, I'm assembling words and sentences. (Whoa, cool. Didn't see that before I wrote that.)

Last year, I got my Freyja statue for my altar. I love that statue. At the time, I believed that I was fully in love with Freyja. Even now, I feel a sadness at the thought that those feelings were transient. It's simple to suggest that they aren't, if I'm questioning it, but I just don't know. There are varying degrees to which I could have misinterpreted things. It may not have been as a lover. It may have been another deity, and I just assumed it was Freyja (after all, what do I know about all this?). It may have just been my imagination, and I was just finding something to give me comfort in a world without gods.
One thing I did today, was actually something I did NOT do. I have not opened my door or any window since the last gamer left at 100am last night. Normally, I open it for a moment, just to literally stick my head outside and look around. I almost did, but felt an urge to stay sealed away.

As I was reading Dragons of Autumn Twilight, I felt something of a version of myself from years ago trying to return. Oh, with the old book and music, one could argue it was bound to happen, but I was struck by the realization that I could see and touch my more creative side that used to be much more open and exposed. I didn't immediately have a million ideas running through my head. Rather, I felt that I could do that, if I wanted it. I wanted to write a D&D campaign or standalone story. I saw how the novel broke down into a gaming session (and even noticed some glaring typos/misused words), even as I reveled in the walk down memory lane.

This feeling culminated in this post, as a way of chronicling (no pun intended) my day on this special day, opposite Yule (one of my favorite holidays). I don't quite feel different, nor would I really say I feel better. I just am, as I exist right now. I have joy at times. Other times, I have boundless sorrow.

I can say, though, that I am slowly discovering that I am not comfortable sharing anything that looks like love with anyone. My jokes, my wit, my nonchalance about emotions, my burying of emotions that aren't scary, all work together to protect me from being hurt again.

It has occurred to me that this probably goes back to my childhood. My mom left us for California. My father never was there emotionally (except, interestingly, in the ways I listed above). My aunt cut ties because of her husband. My first girlfriend (over the phone -- ha!) broke it off the second she thought I wasn't pretty. My first real girlfriend fucked around on me, for literally no reason but she liked an ex-boyfriend and felt like it. The girl I had a better connection with than any other in my life, was gone from my life after the one night we hung out and cilcked like peanut butter and jelly (and I never learned her name). The list goes on. Whenever I've stuck my neck out, I get it chopped off. After a time, I think that I shifted gears, and became the aggressor, so that at least *I* was the one doing the hurting. Yeah, that helped.
There is more I have yet to discover, but that's probably a post for another time.

Happy Midsummer Solstice, all.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
So my friend came over to hang out tonight. I was on my computer when he did, which is not that out of the ordinary. However, I felt unmotivated to really move. He sat down, and I continued to browse a bit. He then asked a question that got an explosive response. "Do you have any lifelong goals?" *

My calm snapped out of place, and I replied, "Do I look like I have any life long goals?"

"I wasn't aware that looks had anything to do with it," he shot back.

"No, I mean that I'm..." and I then began to nitpick my life, so I could prove to him that I clearly couldn't have lifelong goals, or I wouldn't be where I am now.

Here begins the 'TL;DR' )

So.. that is quite a bunch of words. I'm going to be surprised and impressed if anyone actually got to the end of this. Your thoughts are infinitely welcome. If you'd like to email me about them, it's my LJ username at gmail.


* - Or something very similar.
** - Something that sounds very familiar, given the whole "wanna be an author" bit.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
Today, I watched St. Elmo's Fire for the first time. It's a John Hughes film, and the man knew how to make films.

Despite knowing that it wasn't quite as fun and happy as Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, or Sixteen Candles, I still was unprepared for how... dark... it was.

Kirby is a stalker. In today's world, he'd have been arrested long before he got stuck in the snow. Billy is the typical "never wanna grow up" guy who always wants life to be fun. Alec is the "has everything going for him" guy. Kevin is the hopeless romantic, holding onto a wisp of a dream, and blinding himself to anything else. Jules is the "I have to appear to have it all to have worth" person. Leslie...actually seemed somewhat normal. Perhaps her deal was simply that she wasn't quite ready to dive headlong into marriage. Meanwhile, Wendy was the "too timid to truly strike out on her own" character. Y'know, the one who never takes any risks?

In the aftermath of watching it, one thing strikes me: there is a little bit of each one of them inside me. Oh, there isn't really any stalker in me (but I can be single-minded to the point of obsession), but they all spoke on some level with me. With Kevin and Leslie, especially, I found myself realizing that he loved her early on in the movie. When things crumbled with Alec and they seemingly hooked up, I really hoped that it was a permanent thing, because I really like that idea of having that kind of love for someone.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't sit at home and cry over what ifs and might have beens, and I certainly don't derive my self-worth from who I'm dating or not. Still, there is absolutely a part of me that wishes that I'd been just a little bolder when I was younger, and felt like love was something that I deserved. Looking back through the years, I realize there were several girls that I probably would have liked, had I allowed myself to risk finding out. Instead, I found reasons why they weren't good, to console myself at never having tried. Those I did try with, I couldn't have tried very hard, or things might have gone differently.

Still, I am not giving up. Not yet. However much I'd like to find that love, though, I know also that I can be happy as just me. I actually can say, for the first time, that I *am* happy with just me. If you go back and read through my journal, a recurring theme has always been how much I wish I could find someone, but I never was happy with myself, either. I complained about my job, or my living arrangements, or my family, or my friends, or something. I could never take pleasure in my life as it was.

Oddly, I look back at those times, and I realize that I wasn't happy. I don't know what I could have done differently, but I know as sure as I am sitting here that I wasn't happy. I don't know what I have changed, either, for that matter, but my friends swear that I have changed a LOT in just the last few years. I feel more sure of myself. I am happier with where I am. I feel more certain of where I believe I'm headed, even as I sit here and say I have no idea. :)

Wow. I didn't all that coming when I started this post.

Simply put, what Kevin felt for Leslie reminds me of what I felt for some girls (that I considered unattainable) when I was younger. I don't really feel that much anymore (not the amorphous "in love" anyway), and the memory of those days of feeling love for someone without any kind of cynicism/realism weighing things down causes me moments, where I do have my "could have been" moments.

I saw a little of myself in each of the characters, and it was a sobering, depressing, and thoroughly enjoyable experience. One day, I may very well find that magical "love" again. Until then, I stride confidently forward, because there is no turning around. Once in a while, though, I have to glance back, to remind myself of where I've been and why I'm going where I am.

Now, to watch something more upbeat before bed, because I have a feeling that if I go to sleep feeling down like this, my goddess (the one I know, or the one I don't*) will make a point to visit me in my dreams, and snap me out of it. And I can't say that I necessarily want that. :)


* - That is a post for another time. To sum it up, I follow one, but I have a feeling (and have had for a while now) that another watches over me, but I don't know who she is.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)

Yesterday, I woke in a funky mood. When I went to bed Saturday night, I'd dosed myself with a round of self-pity and no-one-likes-me, with a little I'm-not-good-enough for good measure, and it carried through till I woke. Frankly, I shouldn't be surprised. That was a classic Anthony pity-party.

I woke to a text from my girl, telling telling me good morning (something we do almost every day). However, I'd sent her an email the night before, telling her about some problems I was having trouble working through, so after the good mornings were exchanged, it got serious. We texted for about 30 minutes, at which time it was decided that I should get up, dress for work, and head over, so we could talk face-to-face. I'm glad I did.

In hindsight, talking about what was bugging me is just what I needed, and she did beautifully in listening to me, being patient with me, and giving me the love and support I needed. She really is something special. :)

After that, I went to work, where I learned we have two new U-Scan robots. I'd remembered [livejournal.com profile] marius_98 saying something briefly about it last week, before I shut down all talk of Kroger because I was on vacation. It actually worked out rather well, because we now were allowed another attendant down there. Also, the layout of the new U-Scan is a lot more friendly to the attendant standing in the middle to assist customers.

At any rate, I started my shift down there, and spent most of the first part of the day in a register. This worked out, because I needed the mindless work to get back in the swing of things. Ironically, I felt more... "with it" as far as making decisions and being okay with being the go-to second person on the front (since I last posted in January, the management and the CSM have changed, and I'm now the backup CSM). I must investigate this further...

I went to lunch at the cottage with [livejournal.com profile] marius_98 and [livejournal.com profile] una_con_laluna, enjoying the last little bit of Gremlins while I had my double quarter pounder with cheese. Being in that atmosphere, I was very relaxed and felt very safe and loved, and it helped center me and let me refocus for the second half of my shift.

The second half went smoothly. Even though it was the end of the month, as you'd expect on Hallowe'en, the only traffic we had was from folks buying candy. One guy even said he ne'er ate sugar, so the last kid of the night was going to get the rest of what he had in the bowl. OMG, I would've thought I'd hit the motherlode if that happened to me. #fatkid, indeed. :)

Coming home, I cleaned out the Jeep (which I'd been driving while my car was out of commission), because I figured Charles would be driving it this morning. I cleaned the kitchen, made dinner, and tooled around on WoW for a little bit. When they say things have changed, they're not kidding. I spent the whole time figuring out what I was looking at. It was kinda fun, exciting, AND frustrating all at once. :)

I crashed out around 2-230, and slept till I woke up at 630 this morning, when I decided that I should stay up so that I can get my car fixed. I will sleep a lot better knowing my car is driveable again.

So that's my Hallowe'en, or Samhain to some of my friends. Heh, or "Sunday" to still others. :) I'm gonna finish my coffee (Ugly Mug's Good Vibes, with some Carnation French Vanilla creamer and sugar), and see about conquering my car. See everyone later!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Me - South Park Me)
I am posting again, because I told [livejournal.com profile] tannenwynn I would, though I don't have the heart for much.

The biggest news is that my vacation is over. I work Sunday from 2p-11p. I would have liked to have had at least tomorrow off, but hey, them's the breaks.

Secondly, while the part for my car to get it running right again should be an easy fix, Charles and I spent two hours outside trying to pull it out. I cut my hands up, got ridiculously filthy, and didn't even get the part out, so my car is still undriveable. This has seriously impacted my good mood. Enough so that I voiced a concern with someone in E-mail, when I might normally have said nothing. I can only hope that things turn out like they're supposed to.

In other news, though, I reactivated my WoW account. I don't really want to run endgame, and I don't want to spend all my time playing, but the story changes coming up in the expansion, Cataclysm, are too intriguing for me to ignore. Because of all the changes that have been applies in patch 4.0.1, it already feels like a new game, which is interesting in itself.

Now, I'm going to sleep. Perhaps tomorrow will bring me some peace, at least until I have to go in to work.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Me - In Real Life 2010)
It has been nearly 10 months since I last used my LJ for anything other than seeing the daily LOLcats (and that's because a lot of you don't post on here anymore, either!). I've migrated pretty fully to Facebook and Twitter. Twitter's more fun, perhaps because I have to figure out what I want to say in 140 characters or less. At this point, Facebook just copies what I tweet.

At any rate, I found a link on Facebook to LJ, and wound up browsing through various user info pages, adding folks. If I just added you, then you should at least be familiar with me. The new default user pic -- which I use on Facebook, Twitter, and the Summerland Grove site -- is recent enough that you should be able to match it to me. I know a lot of you from SG anyway.

The past almost-10 months have been.. different. I courted Christianity again, dated a devout Christian (the former admittedly DID halfway occur due to the latter), wound up giving up my D&D game on Sundays forever (I never have Sunday afternoons off anymore), met a great group of people in what I am apt to call the core membership of Summerland Grove, began smoking pipes for fun, became a pagan in name (I suspect I've always been one in spirit, whether I knew it or not), decided on a spiritual path (Asatru), began dating a wonderful woman, and have grown to despise my job at Kroger so much that I almost went to a job fair (my resume was... well, completely unmade and not gonna be ready in time, plus I got called on to help my girlfriend, which I had no hesitation doing).

Of course, outing myself on my LJ as a pagan could be considered... unwise? foolhardy? I dunno. Anyone with half a brain who has watched my Twitter feed/Facebook posts will have picked up on it long ago, though I deliberately don't come right out and say it, because I live in Memphis, TN, where you're accepted for who you are...

...that is, if you're a monogamous heterosexual Conservative Christian who is intolerant of others' lifestyles and points of view. (I still classify as heterosexual, though that's the only part of that statement that still applies to me.) I have far too many Christian friends on Facebook who I suspect will try to help me "see the error of my ways", so I am mum on the subject there, but I realize I don't give a flying fuck outside of being harassed about it on Facebook. I keep quiet at work as well, just because things already are a cluster fuck there, without adding "OMG IT'S A PAGAN!!!11" to the list. I've not dedicated to a specific god, which admittedly bothers me quite a bit (to the point that I can get downright moody/depressed about it), but I'm reading everything I can get my hands on that I think will help me understand my choice of path more clearly. (I'm currently reading "Our Troth, Vol. 1", and Tyr *STILL* looks like a reasonable choice, though he no longer feels like a perfect fit.)

About two weeks ago, I went to Festival of Souls. I'd never been, and even though I had to work two days and missed the workshops, I had a lot of fun. I made a point to attend the rituals, and was.. well, "blown away" is appropriate, if a little cliched. My brother, Ricky ([livejournal.com profile] titus_the_mage, though he's never used it), went as well, and surprised me. He'd always referred to himself as an agnostic, or as he put it, a "chicken shit atheist", but apparently *REALLY* took to the pagan point of view. I'm still processing that he has come to that realization, though I'm glad to have a longtime close personal friend with me in this new life.

While I enjoyed every ritual, I was absolutely thunderstruck by the candlelight labyrinth held after the ancestor ritual on Friday night. The solemnity covering the field, where the candles were laid out in concentric circles that slowly led to the center, was absolute. I didn't hear any voices (consciously), nor did I have any brilliant immediately-life-changing flashes of inspiration (again, consciously), but when I had gotten out of it, I felt different. Two weeks later, I wish I had the labyrinth still up to walk again, like I have a new appreciation for it, and if I could just walk it again, even more would become clear to me.

On the D&D/RPG front, I eventually had to drop [livejournal.com profile] lordreaibn's 4e D&D game, because work began jumping around on Sundays for me (I don't get to do payroll like I used to, though no hard feelings for the new clerk). I briefly attempted to get a game going involving [livejournal.com profile] nyminal, [livejournal.com profile] strieson, [livejournal.com profile] mfsfreak, and [livejournal.com profile] disker and his wife, but that fell through due to lack of motivation on my part. I just no longer "feel it" where D&D is concerned. I am far more likely to wax nostalgic over my old 2e games, and how engrossing they were back then. Perhaps, when my schedule settles down some, or I change jobs, I can start a game again with some folks, perhaps even including [livejournal.com profile] lordreaibn, [livejournal.com profile] tannenwynn, [livejournal.com profile] marius_98, or [livejournal.com profile] lostgamers. I have access to a larger pool of folks, and if I mix and match 'em a bit so I'm not stuck with the same collection of people I have played with for the last ten years, things might get interesting. (I have *NO* problem with my old D&D group, but the reality is that lack of fresh blood caused things to get stale, and we all know it.)

Well, that's my life this year so far. It's an oversimplification, and you'll notice I didn't post about work. I'm on vacation for at least two more days, so I refuse to acknowledge it until then. :) Welcome to all the new people. I hope that you add me back. I want to get to know each of you better than I have so far.

Oh yeah, I also, at the urging of my girlfriend, am going to begin writing again daily, even if it's just in here. I am one of the worst procrastinators you'll ever meet, but I want this. I miss writing something down, reading it, and going "holy crap, this is GOOD."

P.S. Holy crap. I've had this account for over 8 years now. I feel damned old suddenly. :)
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
Good riddance.

I won't say that the whole year was horrible, but it didn't start too well, and hasn't improved in general.

In January, the store at which I'd worked for the last eleven years closed. I got transferred to the highest-volume store in the region, instead of a slightly slower, definitely closer location where THEY WERE ASKING FOR ME. To make matters worse, the new store apparently assumed that I'd be able to transition from a $190K/week store to one that can hit $1M/week in sales with no adjustment period. When I cried foul, I was no longer considered a backup CSM. My health became a greater problem, and I had to go to the doctor about a bulge in a place where it shouldn't be. I was scheduled for hernia surgery in March. [livejournal.com profile] strieson and I also moved in with [livejournal.com profile] capedory1181.

February was just a holding pattern of the previous month, though I did get to see Celtic Woman live at the FedExForum. Come to think of it, that was easily one of the highlights of my year. Getting to see them live still can make me smile (though I really, really, REALLY want to go see them at the Orpheum when they come back in April). We had to deal with drama from [livejournal.com profile] capedory1181's personal life and why he got roommates in the first place, and that made things "fun". (No, not really.)

In March, I finally cracked at work and officially cried foul. After I was told they were going to let up and would I please stay at that store, things seemed like they were going to settle down. I never found out, though, because I had my surgery on March 31. During this month, I met [livejournal.com profile] ladysykashnia, one of the women that [livejournal.com profile] capedory1181 would go on to date this year. She liked RPGs, fantasy, and BSG/Lost. Good times. :)

I spent most of April either in a chair relaxing or at my computer, playing World of Warcraft. My job claimed that they didn't have any light-duty work for me, so I spent pretty much the whole month at home (though they had no trouble letting me come in to do payroll). I all but lived in front of the computer, and made real progress on my characters online, while I was withdrawing farther from my roommates. I did order several CDs from Amazon.com based on 30 second preview alone, and wound up liking almost all of them completely (even the lesser-liked ones got heavy rotation for a few months).

I went back to work in May, only to have my old anxieties come back in full force (my first day back was the first Thursday of the month, which was nearly the first of the month, and I had considerable trouble getting things done). To cope, I continued to play WoW, only to have my two roommates accuse me of becoming addicted to the game because I'd grown hostile towards them. (I won't rule it out, but I think it's symptomatic of something else, rather than being the root of the problem.) [livejournal.com profile] capedory1181 even went so far as to push me hard enough to go to anger management -- despite my protestations that I had a plan that was working -- that I left the house for the evening. At this point, I was seriously wondering if I was going to have to move. Suggest something all you want, and even push me if I'm doing nothing about it, but if I say, "that's cool, but I have a plan, and I think it's working," back off for a while, you know?

June was relatively unremarkable, aside from tensions arising around the house from what came to be known as chore duty, but July saw it come to a head. A formal plan was created, where the basic things around the house were broken into chores that were either every two days, every 5 days, or every 9 days (the idea being that with three of us, it'd work out evenly). The kinks were worked out, and the plan was more or less formally implemented in August.

By September, I realized that I was not making money like I thought I was, and that I was having serious trouble paying my medical bills (I *love* how you get one, and think you're done, and then three more send theirs, leaving you scratching your head.) I scrambled to compensate, and got small payments sent off, only to realize that I couldn't keep it up like that (folks can only live on ramen for so long, and gas is one of those things you kinda have to get). I cancelled my hold box at my local comic store (where I was getting the Negima manga and the Pathfinder RPG periodical), and began to look for ways to save myself from what seemed an inevitable financial collapse.

I got something of a handle on it in October, though not nearly as well as I'd liked, and started to seriously consider the possibility of bankruptcy, though I feel responsible for paying back all of the debt I've accumulated. [livejournal.com profile] capedory1181 called it "predatory lending", but I still feel guilty about it.
That brings up an interesting aside. I feel guilty about seemingly everything, from cutting corners doing a job to checking a woman out. I try telling myself that my thoughts and behavior aren't that bad, but I can't convince myself completely. Over this year, especially, this feeling has compounded with other feelings to make me truly miserable by now.
By November, I had gotten up to date on all of my bills (minus the medical ones... I still don't know where I'm going to get the money for that. Maybe if they can hang on until I get my tax refund..), and was feeling slightly better, but old feelings resurfaced at work. I was getting scheduled a lot of 5pm-2am shifts, and those shifts RUIN my attitude for doing anything. Let alone the fact that it was usually 5p-2a, then off, then 6a-3p, for a net day off of around 28 hours. I was getting in too late to get up early, but had to go to bed early to make the next day. The end result was that I would get no sleep that day, and would hope I could recover after the 6a-3p.

Thanksgiving was the worst. I worked the same shift setup, and [livejournal.com profile] capedory1181 had gone out of town to see his folks, so it was [livejournal.com profile] strieson and me eating microwave turkey, instant mashed potatoes, and canned carrots. I don't blame [livejournal.com profile] capedory1181, but it was a real downer all the same. On that Friday and Saturday following, work was slammed, and money came up missing. On Sunday, I saw a "lovely" note "encouraging" us to explain where the money went, and to explain to managemnet why we wanted to remain accounting clerks. I caused a HUGE stink by offering to turn my keys in (well, isn't that what my CSM asked?), because I was tired of the constant "there are people who will do your job, so shape up" letters from the CSM. I'd reached the point where I decided that if these people existed, she could use them instead. This did cause me to mind my Ps and Qs with a newfound attention, since I didn't want them pinning anything like lost money on me (we all know I would never take money, but I can't be so sure about them).
Also, the latest WoW expansion, Wrath of the Lich King, hit stores, and I resumed playing a lot. This time, though, [livejournal.com profile] strieson was playing with me, and [livejournal.com profile] capedory1181 had taken to going out of town just about every weekend, hunting, so I was left to my devices. This really helped me keep it together, though it carried over into my holiday season funk, which isn't really over yet.

Now, here we are in December, and I'm absolutely miserable. I'm about to turn 33, and I live with roommates, can't afford my own place, my car needs work done, and I'm so paranoid and insecure that, should I get the courage to even ask, I feel like no woman would want to hang around me for long anyway. I've tried to relax about it, but I invariably come back to my lack of progress. Why am I still at Kroger? Why did I quit school? Am I well and truly screwed, or do I still have a chance? Some days, it really threatens to overwhelm me, and has come close on several occasions.

I wish I knew why this season tanks my mood like it does, but it does. It's been like this for years, though this year is decidedly worse. I might even know, deep down, but am not ready to admit it to myself. I feel at times like I'm all alone, and when I think of my friends, I find that I'm uncomfortable opening up to them about my feelings. It's at that point I realize I've really got my emotions locked down in a big way. I just have to make it through my birthday next Wednesday (Jan 7), and I *should* start to see things pick up again. God knows, I could use something positive in my life.

So yeah.. 2008 can bite my ass. Here's hoping 2009 is at least a step or two up, even if it's not another 2000 or 1987 (both years where I was generally happy and had no problems).

Told ya I'd do a lengthy post, didn't I? :)
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Anime - Chibi Kenshin)
Wow.

I'm off today, and here I am, awake at 430am, like a normal work day. I suspect that it's because I made a point to go to bed normally last night (though I think I was a LITTLE behind). I got to bed between 11 and 1130, but because I slept nearly 8 hours night before last, I feel great right now, and rested. Nifty.

I remember dreaming last night, but I cannot remember what it was now. I vaguely remember my dream girl, but that could just be my mind, since she was definitely in my dreams on Saturday night. (I just remember that she was sitting in my lap, kissing me briefly on the lips, saying why we should be an item between kisses...and then my alarm went off.) Oh well, last night can't be terribly important, dream-wise, if I can't remember it. At least, that's what I'm going to tell myself, because thinking that my dream girl was around again does nothing but depress me.

(For those who don't know, my dream girl doesn't look specifically like anyone. Instead, what I notice is the way she makes me feel when she's around. She's been blonde and a raven-haired brunette, and perhaps even a redhead. Yet, I could never completely describe her face once I wake up. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I ever found her in real life. Oh yeah, I do. I'd marry the woman, or die trying.)

So, as I said at the top of the post, I'm off today. I'm SOMEWHAT unsure what I am going to do today, though I know I need to do laundry. I've given some thought to playing some WoW while it's still early, and then hitting some of my chores today. At some point, though, I'm gonna sit down and work more on my unofficial (as in I didn't sign up) NaNoWriMo dealie. I worked on the prologue yesterday after remembering it was November, and have 582 words now. Not a lot, but if I can maintain something close to that pace, it'll be more than 16000 words by month's end. I've just got to remember that it's less about editing what I've done, than just raw output. I can edit later. :)

Well, I might as well get some WoW in while the kids (around the world, that play) are asleep or getting ready to go to school. Have a good day, folks! :)
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Comics - Death's Eye of Horus)
So, today was my night shift at work. I got to work 6pm-3am, though I didn't leave until 4am because I'm a complete idiot. (I miscounted a pickup from UScan, making it over, and the back office short, I miscounted the Fuel Center's lottery tickets, making them over and office short, and I didn't get to fixing line numbers until I was supposed to already be gone.

On top of that, my mind has been dwelling on the recent dissolution of my friends' relationship. The two of them seemed to get along so well, but they broke up the other day, and it makes me just a little sad about it. Heh, if they can move on, so can I, right? (I know that looks sad, but they were my best friends, and we did everything together. Well, not EVERYTHING. :-p) I just hope each of them remains my friend.

Now, it's time for bed, so I can sleep some this morning and get up before noon. I hate days like this, where my day off is twisted by working late beforehand.
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tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Music - Angels Fall First)
I was off today, and it wasn't bad, but it wasn't particularly great, either. I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and I could never shake the bad feeling associated with it. I created a sheet so that the three of us here can track our chores (to keep everything equal, so everyone stays happy), and took a nap. I caught up my laundry, and helped Charles hang his new ceiling fan when he got home from work.

Charles and [livejournal.com profile] strieson went to Taco Bell to get dinner, while I stayed home. I'd decided that I wanted to cook some burgers, since I'd bought them on Sunday. First, though, I grabbed a metal file and fixed the latches on both of our back doors, so that they'd catch when they closed (as it was, the screen door never caught, and the inner door only closed for sure when the dead bolt was engaged). Feeling rather proud of myself, I cleaned up and made those burgers.

About the time they were done, Charles and [livejournal.com profile] strieson came home. I'd just decided that I wanted to watch "Stranger than Fiction", and oddly, both of them really liked the idea. We took a short intermission mid-movie so that Charles could talk to his girlfriend, but that was it. Normally, it's a steady stream of breaks because of the "no inside smoking" clause we have here.

The movie was very thought provoking. I thoroughly enjoyed it, too. I found the end to be suspenseful enough that both [livejournal.com profile] strieson and I yelled at Charles for trying to predict what would happen (while I had a feeling, I didn't want any outside influences affecting it).

Now, it's over, and I find myself melancholy )

Oh well, enough of my whining. Good night, Gracie.
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