I won't say that the whole year was horrible, but it didn't start too well, and hasn't improved in general.
In January, the store at which I'd worked for the last eleven years closed. I got transferred to the highest-volume store in the region, instead of a slightly slower, definitely closer location where THEY WERE ASKING FOR ME. To make matters worse, the new store apparently assumed that I'd be able to transition from a $190K/week store to one that can hit $1M/week in sales with no adjustment period. When I cried foul, I was no longer considered a backup CSM. My health became a greater problem, and I had to go to the doctor about a bulge in a place where it shouldn't be. I was scheduled for hernia surgery in March. strieson
and I also moved in with capedory1181
February was just a holding pattern of the previous month, though I did get to see Celtic Woman live at the FedExForum. Come to think of it, that was easily one of the highlights of my year. Getting to see them live still can make me smile (though I really, really, REALLY want to go see them at the Orpheum when they come back in April). We had to deal with drama from capedory1181
's personal life and why he got roommates in the first place, and that made things "fun". (No, not really.)
In March, I finally cracked at work and officially cried foul. After I was told they were going to let up and would I please stay at that store, things seemed like they were going to settle down. I never found out, though, because I had my surgery on March 31. During this month, I met ladysykashnia
, one of the women that capedory1181
would go on to date this year. She liked RPGs, fantasy, and BSG/Lost. Good times. :)
I spent most of April either in a chair relaxing or at my computer, playing World of Warcraft. My job claimed that they didn't have any light-duty work for me, so I spent pretty much the whole month at home (though they had no trouble letting me come in to do payroll). I all but lived in front of the computer, and made real progress on my characters online, while I was withdrawing farther from my roommates. I did order several CDs from Amazon.com based on 30 second preview alone, and wound up liking almost all of them completely (even the lesser-liked ones got heavy rotation for a few months).
I went back to work in May, only to have my old anxieties come back in full force (my first day back was the first Thursday of the month, which was nearly the first of the month, and I had considerable trouble getting things done). To cope, I continued to play WoW, only to have my two roommates accuse me of becoming addicted to the game because I'd grown hostile towards them. (I won't rule it out, but I think it's symptomatic of something else, rather than being the root of the problem.) capedory1181
even went so far as to push me hard enough to go to anger management -- despite my protestations that I had a plan that was working -- that I left the house for the evening. At this point, I was seriously wondering if I was going to have to move. Suggest something all you want, and even push me if I'm doing nothing about it, but if I say, "that's cool, but I have a plan, and I think it's working," back off for a while, you know?
June was relatively unremarkable, aside from tensions arising around the house from what came to be known as chore duty, but July saw it come to a head. A formal plan was created, where the basic things around the house were broken into chores that were either every two days, every 5 days, or every 9 days (the idea being that with three of us, it'd work out evenly). The kinks were worked out, and the plan was more or less formally implemented in August.
By September, I realized that I was not making money like I thought I was, and that I was having serious trouble paying my medical bills (I *love* how you get one, and think you're done, and then three more send theirs, leaving you scratching your head.) I scrambled to compensate, and got small payments sent off, only to realize that I couldn't keep it up like that (folks can only live on ramen for so long, and gas is one of those things you kinda have to get). I cancelled my hold box at my local comic store (where I was getting the Negima manga and the Pathfinder RPG periodical), and began to look for ways to save myself from what seemed an inevitable financial collapse.
I got something of a handle on it in October, though not nearly as well as I'd liked, and started to seriously consider the possibility of bankruptcy, though I feel responsible for paying back all of the debt I've accumulated. capedory1181
called it "predatory lending", but I still feel guilty about it.
That brings up an interesting aside. I feel guilty about seemingly everything, from cutting corners doing a job to checking a woman out. I try telling myself that my thoughts and behavior aren't that bad, but I can't convince myself completely. Over this year, especially, this feeling has compounded with other feelings to make me truly miserable by now.
By November, I had gotten up to date on all of my bills (minus the medical ones... I still don't know where I'm going to get the money for that. Maybe if they can hang on until I get my tax refund..), and was feeling slightly better, but old feelings resurfaced at work. I was getting scheduled a lot of 5pm-2am shifts, and those shifts RUIN my attitude for doing anything. Let alone the fact that it was usually 5p-2a, then off, then 6a-3p, for a net day off of around 28 hours. I was getting in too late to get up early, but had to go to bed early to make the next day. The end result was that I would get no sleep that day, and would hope I could recover after the 6a-3p.
Thanksgiving was the worst. I worked the same shift setup, and capedory1181
had gone out of town to see his folks, so it was strieson
and me eating microwave turkey, instant mashed potatoes, and canned carrots. I don't blame capedory1181
, but it was a real downer all the same. On that Friday and Saturday following, work was slammed, and money came up missing. On Sunday, I saw a "lovely" note "encouraging" us to explain where the money went, and to explain to managemnet why we wanted to remain accounting clerks. I caused a HUGE stink by offering to turn my keys in (well, isn't that what my CSM asked?), because I was tired of the constant "there are people who will do your job, so shape up" letters from the CSM. I'd reached the point where I decided that if these people existed, she could use them instead. This did cause me to mind my Ps and Qs with a newfound attention, since I didn't want them pinning anything like lost money on me (we all know I would never take money, but I can't be so sure about them).
Also, the latest WoW expansion, Wrath of the Lich King, hit stores, and I resumed playing a lot. This time, though, strieson was playing with me, and capedory1181 had taken to going out of town just about every weekend, hunting, so I was left to my devices. This really helped me keep it together, though it carried over into my holiday season funk, which isn't really over yet.
Now, here we are in December, and I'm absolutely miserable. I'm about to turn 33, and I live with roommates, can't afford my own place, my car needs work done, and I'm so paranoid and insecure that, should I get the courage to even ask, I feel like no woman would want to hang around me for long anyway. I've tried to relax about it, but I invariably come back to my lack of progress. Why am I still at Kroger? Why did I quit school? Am I well and truly screwed, or do I still have a chance? Some days, it really threatens to overwhelm me, and has come close on several occasions.
I wish I knew why this season tanks my mood like it does, but it does. It's been like this for years, though this year is decidedly worse. I might even know, deep down, but am not ready to admit it to myself. I feel at times like I'm all alone, and when I think of my friends, I find that I'm uncomfortable opening up to them about my feelings. It's at that point I realize I've really got my emotions locked down in a big way. I just have to make it through my birthday next Wednesday (Jan 7), and I *should* start to see things pick up again. God knows, I could use something positive in my life.
So yeah.. 2008 can bite my ass. Here's hoping 2009 is at least a step or two up, even if it's not another 2000 or 1987 (both years where I was generally happy and had no problems).
Told ya I'd do a lengthy post, didn't I? :)