“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep...that have taken hold.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King
I sit here, at almost 11pm on the night of April 5, and though I am writing this post, I find that I am not entirely sure why I felt compelled to start it. I could come up with any number of reasons, but it is ultimately a direct result of one thing in particular. Today, I woke and cleaned my apartment. Now, those who visit will say that my place is never really messy (comparably; I still think it's filthy), but it's been lacking that special touch. I'd clean the kitchen, but leave the living room. I'd dust everything, but not put away my laundry.
My internet has been on the fritz for about a week or so, and hasn't been entirely reliable for at least a month now. I called a few days ago, and a service call was scheduled for this morning. Not wanting to give a bad impression (because I find it important to put my best foot forward, even with strangers I may never see again), I got a lot of things cleaned up and put away. I put away my dishes and ran more, cleaned my dirty laundry and put away the clean clothes, vacuumed, changed my bed sheets, dusted, and even put away all my toiletries in the bathroom.
The technician came by, determined that it was bad wiring from another tech's visit, and repaired it properly. My Internet connection was back in a way I haven't seen in literally weeks. I continued cleaning after he left, and was still doing so when Cynthia came by to introduce me to Julie, a woman she met at FoS last year. Julie is cool as hell, and if her husband, Travis, lives up to the hype, I'll have a new best friend in no time. :) I'm mostly facetious, but fantasy nerd plus metalhead plus alternatively religious all in one? That's a potent mix.
At any rate, they left, and I got back to doing simple things like keeping the laundry going. Meanwhile, I was burning some cedar incense and had my bedroom window open. The gentle coolness of a day in the mid-60s helped me relax, even when I got text messages from work, irritable about my failings from when I was there.* I dozed a bit while playing WoW for the first time in over a week, and finally made dinner. I watched some TV, and capped the night by watching "Man of Steel".
The whole evening, though, I felt a presence growing in the back of my mind. Far from being some malignant and evil presence, it was a feeling of rightness and order. I'd almost call it a sense of homecoming. It was a sense of belonging and relaxation capable of penetrating whatever negative emotions I may be feeling, swaddling me in a blanket of peace and contentment.
For the last month, you see, I've been stressing about my home living situation. I've known I need to move, but I couldn't find all the identification that I needed in order to proceed. Earlier this week, I called them and canceled my move-out. Then, work has been just busy enough to keep me rather emotionally worn out from dealing with it. At points in the last month, my apartment has been downright messy, and even when I could have, I chose to hide from my responsibility instead of facing it head on.
Coming back to today, I was struck by just how.. comfortable.. my apartment felt. It was more than that, though. It felt good in a way I've not felt from it in what seems like ages. It felt like home again. I know that likely sounds silly to anyone reading this, but I found that I could almost sob with relief at the feeling. I even rinsed my dishes and put them in the dishwasher (another first in the last couple of months) and am sipping water right now instead of drinking tea. Even discovering that my TARDIS mug was ruined by getting put in the dishwasher did little more than make me sigh in sadness that it was gone. I immediately recognized my luck that I still have a TARDIS, courtesy of Craig and his amazing way of working wood (TARDIS Prime rules).
Well, whatever the source, I'm not going to worry about it too much. I'm simply going to accept that I feel good in my place, and call it a night. This thread, at least, seems to have been mended, and I was able to find it again.
* - The first issue was that the Guest Care clerk was scheduled 10a-7p instead of 8a-5p. As I told the Accounting clerk, I know I said something about changing that shift to the person in question, but I could also have convinced myself I did say it, when I didn't really. The second issue was a question whether I replaced a shift for someone we knew had probably quit. I simply gave them one option, asked when I 'd have had a chance yesterday to do so, and told them that the option was my best idea, unless they knew something I didn't. I hate feeling guilty for things that are -- logically -- out of my hands.