tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
Good riddance.

I won't say that the whole year was horrible, but it didn't start too well, and hasn't improved in general.

In January, the store at which I'd worked for the last eleven years closed. I got transferred to the highest-volume store in the region, instead of a slightly slower, definitely closer location where THEY WERE ASKING FOR ME. To make matters worse, the new store apparently assumed that I'd be able to transition from a $190K/week store to one that can hit $1M/week in sales with no adjustment period. When I cried foul, I was no longer considered a backup CSM. My health became a greater problem, and I had to go to the doctor about a bulge in a place where it shouldn't be. I was scheduled for hernia surgery in March. [livejournal.com profile] strieson and I also moved in with [livejournal.com profile] capedory1181.

February was just a holding pattern of the previous month, though I did get to see Celtic Woman live at the FedExForum. Come to think of it, that was easily one of the highlights of my year. Getting to see them live still can make me smile (though I really, really, REALLY want to go see them at the Orpheum when they come back in April). We had to deal with drama from [livejournal.com profile] capedory1181's personal life and why he got roommates in the first place, and that made things "fun". (No, not really.)

In March, I finally cracked at work and officially cried foul. After I was told they were going to let up and would I please stay at that store, things seemed like they were going to settle down. I never found out, though, because I had my surgery on March 31. During this month, I met [livejournal.com profile] ladysykashnia, one of the women that [livejournal.com profile] capedory1181 would go on to date this year. She liked RPGs, fantasy, and BSG/Lost. Good times. :)

I spent most of April either in a chair relaxing or at my computer, playing World of Warcraft. My job claimed that they didn't have any light-duty work for me, so I spent pretty much the whole month at home (though they had no trouble letting me come in to do payroll). I all but lived in front of the computer, and made real progress on my characters online, while I was withdrawing farther from my roommates. I did order several CDs from Amazon.com based on 30 second preview alone, and wound up liking almost all of them completely (even the lesser-liked ones got heavy rotation for a few months).

I went back to work in May, only to have my old anxieties come back in full force (my first day back was the first Thursday of the month, which was nearly the first of the month, and I had considerable trouble getting things done). To cope, I continued to play WoW, only to have my two roommates accuse me of becoming addicted to the game because I'd grown hostile towards them. (I won't rule it out, but I think it's symptomatic of something else, rather than being the root of the problem.) [livejournal.com profile] capedory1181 even went so far as to push me hard enough to go to anger management -- despite my protestations that I had a plan that was working -- that I left the house for the evening. At this point, I was seriously wondering if I was going to have to move. Suggest something all you want, and even push me if I'm doing nothing about it, but if I say, "that's cool, but I have a plan, and I think it's working," back off for a while, you know?

June was relatively unremarkable, aside from tensions arising around the house from what came to be known as chore duty, but July saw it come to a head. A formal plan was created, where the basic things around the house were broken into chores that were either every two days, every 5 days, or every 9 days (the idea being that with three of us, it'd work out evenly). The kinks were worked out, and the plan was more or less formally implemented in August.

By September, I realized that I was not making money like I thought I was, and that I was having serious trouble paying my medical bills (I *love* how you get one, and think you're done, and then three more send theirs, leaving you scratching your head.) I scrambled to compensate, and got small payments sent off, only to realize that I couldn't keep it up like that (folks can only live on ramen for so long, and gas is one of those things you kinda have to get). I cancelled my hold box at my local comic store (where I was getting the Negima manga and the Pathfinder RPG periodical), and began to look for ways to save myself from what seemed an inevitable financial collapse.

I got something of a handle on it in October, though not nearly as well as I'd liked, and started to seriously consider the possibility of bankruptcy, though I feel responsible for paying back all of the debt I've accumulated. [livejournal.com profile] capedory1181 called it "predatory lending", but I still feel guilty about it.
That brings up an interesting aside. I feel guilty about seemingly everything, from cutting corners doing a job to checking a woman out. I try telling myself that my thoughts and behavior aren't that bad, but I can't convince myself completely. Over this year, especially, this feeling has compounded with other feelings to make me truly miserable by now.
By November, I had gotten up to date on all of my bills (minus the medical ones... I still don't know where I'm going to get the money for that. Maybe if they can hang on until I get my tax refund..), and was feeling slightly better, but old feelings resurfaced at work. I was getting scheduled a lot of 5pm-2am shifts, and those shifts RUIN my attitude for doing anything. Let alone the fact that it was usually 5p-2a, then off, then 6a-3p, for a net day off of around 28 hours. I was getting in too late to get up early, but had to go to bed early to make the next day. The end result was that I would get no sleep that day, and would hope I could recover after the 6a-3p.

Thanksgiving was the worst. I worked the same shift setup, and [livejournal.com profile] capedory1181 had gone out of town to see his folks, so it was [livejournal.com profile] strieson and me eating microwave turkey, instant mashed potatoes, and canned carrots. I don't blame [livejournal.com profile] capedory1181, but it was a real downer all the same. On that Friday and Saturday following, work was slammed, and money came up missing. On Sunday, I saw a "lovely" note "encouraging" us to explain where the money went, and to explain to managemnet why we wanted to remain accounting clerks. I caused a HUGE stink by offering to turn my keys in (well, isn't that what my CSM asked?), because I was tired of the constant "there are people who will do your job, so shape up" letters from the CSM. I'd reached the point where I decided that if these people existed, she could use them instead. This did cause me to mind my Ps and Qs with a newfound attention, since I didn't want them pinning anything like lost money on me (we all know I would never take money, but I can't be so sure about them).
Also, the latest WoW expansion, Wrath of the Lich King, hit stores, and I resumed playing a lot. This time, though, [livejournal.com profile] strieson was playing with me, and [livejournal.com profile] capedory1181 had taken to going out of town just about every weekend, hunting, so I was left to my devices. This really helped me keep it together, though it carried over into my holiday season funk, which isn't really over yet.

Now, here we are in December, and I'm absolutely miserable. I'm about to turn 33, and I live with roommates, can't afford my own place, my car needs work done, and I'm so paranoid and insecure that, should I get the courage to even ask, I feel like no woman would want to hang around me for long anyway. I've tried to relax about it, but I invariably come back to my lack of progress. Why am I still at Kroger? Why did I quit school? Am I well and truly screwed, or do I still have a chance? Some days, it really threatens to overwhelm me, and has come close on several occasions.

I wish I knew why this season tanks my mood like it does, but it does. It's been like this for years, though this year is decidedly worse. I might even know, deep down, but am not ready to admit it to myself. I feel at times like I'm all alone, and when I think of my friends, I find that I'm uncomfortable opening up to them about my feelings. It's at that point I realize I've really got my emotions locked down in a big way. I just have to make it through my birthday next Wednesday (Jan 7), and I *should* start to see things pick up again. God knows, I could use something positive in my life.

So yeah.. 2008 can bite my ass. Here's hoping 2009 is at least a step or two up, even if it's not another 2000 or 1987 (both years where I was generally happy and had no problems).

Told ya I'd do a lengthy post, didn't I? :)
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (D&D - DL - Raistlin)
It has been over a month since I last posted on this journal, and I've not really posted much here this year, either.

Before I go into that, though, let me start by whining.

Why is it that when I'm off, I cannot sleep well the night before? I toss. I turn. I constantly wake up. I get indigestion, which wakes me up. I have headaches. Whatever it takes to keep me from sleeping soundly till morning. Sometimes, it's my fault, as I stay up late, and the morning sun around this time of year gets past my best efforts to block it from my window (at around 8am). But a lot of the time, this isn't the case. It's just an inability to rest when I don't have something pending. As you might expect, this was the case last night.

Anyway, I just haven't felt the urge to post like I used to. I still read it daily (sometimes, multiple times daily), and I comment from time to time. Yet, when it comes to my own journal, I usually decide "Ahh.. I'll do it later." Later invariably is when I'm going to bed, and then I decide "I can't now, I have to sleep".

I've also learned that it's not WoW's fault since, from May 1 through the 21, I wasn't playing WoW at all (I'd even cancelled my subscription). At the same time, though, I WANT to post, because it's nice to be able to go back and read it later. Looking back, it also seems to tie into when I had my surgery (I was definitely posting more before it, than afterward.)

So, what *have* I been up to? Well, working, sleeping, and trying not to think about work. The third option doesn't really have much interesting in it (a little WoW, some LotRO, book reading, movie watching, quiet time stuff). I recognize that I need to get around to that Top Ten movie list I promised back in March, as well as pics of my room (it's changed a teensy bit since I posted that I finished decorating, but not much). I guess I can break each thing up into a paragraph (or less), so you need not read what you don't wanna.

Work )

World of Warcraft )

Lord of the Rings Online )

Health and Fitness )

More has been happening, but it's mainly been the release of D&D 4e (and the campaigns that go with it) and an influx of new heavy metal (I'm particularly partial to the "new" Symphony X CD: Paradise Lost). More later. I hope this isn't too much at once. I want folks to read this. :)
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tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Movies (Equ) - John Preston)
Yeah, it's been a while since I updated. I'm alive, recovering from my surgery nicely, and actually finally caught up on the new Battlestar Galactica series and Lost (well, though season 3 anyway). I've been playing a lot of WoW, too. I've not really been up to much, aside from taking it very easy and recovering.

Oh, about my surgery. It went well, which I think I said in my last post, and i have an 8 inch surgical scar on my right side. The worst part has GOT to be how it itches, now that it's healing. Nothing sucks worse than wanting desperately to scratch an inch, but knowing that you cannot, because of a scar and staples in your way.

Well, I have not much else to update about, so I guess I'm gonna hit the hay. I had a hard day of doing nothing, watching Lost and trying to play WoW at the same time (Lost won out, btw), and I think I could use a proper night of rest (which is becoming the norm for me again -- that first week, it was an hour or two at a time).

Later, kids..
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tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Comics - Destiny)
Oh, am I sore! But the procedure is done, and I know that when I'm better, I'll be better than when I went in. I've got an 8 inch cut in my lower abdomen on the right side, and that sucks, but it's not overly-painful, and if the pain does hurt, I've been prescribed Hydrocodone and Demerol for the pain. Clearly, unless I want a good long nap, I wouldn't take them simultaneously. :)

C and [livejournal.com profile] strieson and C's new girlfriend, A, have been super-de-duper supportive and accommodating. In times like this, it's good to know that someone has your back to this extent.

For right now, I'm sleeping in the living room recliner that we long ago nicknamed "Soul Sucker" because of how comfortable it is to sit in (I swear, you can be fully alert, sit down, and find yourself dozing off in no time). I'd love to sleep in my bed, but lowering myself the last few inches hurts a ton, and as much fluid as I've been drinking (making up for lost time? :)), I've been getting up to go to the bathroom fairly frequently. Easing back in the recliner, and then using the lever to elevate the footrest works much better, plus I can use my arms on the arms to pull myself to a sitting position much more easily than sitting up in bed.

One day at a time, for now. :) It looks like I'm probably not going back to work until I've seen my surgeon for a followup visit, so I might be off closer to two weeks than the one I was planning for. This will be something I've not done since I started working: being off more than 11 days in a row. We'll see.

Thanks to everyone on here for your words of encouragement. It really makes me feel loved to see folks take the time to say a word. You guys are great.

Now, I'm gonna drink some more cranberry juice and relax again. After all, recovering is hard work! :)
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tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Humor - Precious Inside)
C and I just finished watching (over the course of a week or so) all three Extended Editions of Lord of the Rings.

Those movies are WITHOUT A DOUBT some of my favorites ever. Scenes still move me the way they did in the theatre. Heck, scenes from Return of the King still remind me of what Trilogy Tuesday was like. Yet, I am still finding things that I didn't notice before (though darned if I could name one now -- stupid memory!).

We need more movies like these. 300 came close, in one way, but over all, it still fell short. Even Star Wars (the first one, the one I consider sacrosanct) doesn't measure up. (Don't get me started on the prequels, and I always felt that Star Wars was the best of the original three, even though Empire Strikes Back was truly awesome, too.) I sense a forthcoming LJ post, listing my top ten favorite movies of all time (again? can't remember).

I know I promised pictures of my room once it was done, and it is done. I'm not going to fuss with taking pictures tonight, but look for them soon. I'm rather proud of the way it turned out. It's mature, but there's hints here and there (if you know where to look) of my geekiness still. The thing I particularly like is that it's not hitting you upside the head with it, like at the apartment (or really, any room I've ever had).

Finally, I didn't get a call today about an appointment with that hernia surgeon, so I am going to call them tomorrow to find out what is going on, as well as ask about my ability to get some kind of doctor's note for work, so that I don't kill myself before I have the chance to get this worked on. C did some research, and discovered that it could theoretically be fixed without invasive surgery (C has a hernia too, but in a different location, so I kinda have a support group right here in the house with me).

Now, I'm gonna get a good hot shower, drink some Tension Tamer Tea, and go to sleep with visioins of elves, dwarves, and dragons in my head.


tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)

July 2017


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