tek2way: Anime - UN Spacy (Anime - UN Spacy)
So, in the interest of beating a dead horse, I'm going to talk about anime again today.

You see, I am (re)discovering the unbridled joy that came from watching it, particularly the stuff that I was into when I was in my late teens and early 20s (Ranma 1/2, Tenchi Muyo, Kimagure Orange Road, Macross, Bubblegum Crisis, and similar). Only this time, I don't think I have any fucks to give for anyone who might naysay my choice of pastimes. That's not to say that I was overly worried then, but on my way home, listening to Two-Mix in my car, I found myself saying firmly, "I'm an anime fan. I'm an otaku. I'm a geek. I'm even a metalhead. I do not fear fandom labels, because they're the things I like, and --"

That's when I had to make the left turn, and focused on the oncoming traffic instead. :)

Regardless, though, there was a liberating feeling to that thought, and I liked it. I'm a Star Wars fan. I'm an RPG fan. I'm a gaming (role-playing, board, card, video) fan. I'm a Brandon Sanderson fan. I'm a sci-fi fan. I'm a Game of Thrones fan. I'm a Tolkien fan. I'm a Harry Potter fan. I'm a Marvel Universe fan. I'm also a DC Universe fan. I'm a fan of Neil Gaiman, and am generally in love with the cast of characters from his various books. I'm a music fan. I'm a fan of Iron Maiden. I'm a fan of Nightwish. I'm a fan of Helloween. I'm a fan of Sarah Brightman, Hayley Westenra, Josh Groban, Loreena McKennitt, and Enya.

In some small way, listening to anime music (and watching anime) has reminded me that it's okay to like the things I do, no matter what society has decided is appropriate for someone my age. For gods' sakes, if I was to truly measure myself by society's standards, I really would be planning to end it all, because a car is about the only "grown up" thing I can say I've "accomplished". House? Nope. "Grown-up" job making enough to support my family? Nope. Significant other? Nope. Kids? Absolutely not.

All this from listening to anime soundtrack music? Oddly, yes, more or less. You see, some of this has come from self-reflection since that thought, but the principle still applies. I also want to stress that I'm in no way suddenly "better", and free from my depression and anxiety. First, today was a stressful work day, but I was able to manage it, and I never got overwhelmed. Second, the pragmatic side of me reasons that this could be -- to use older parlance with which I'm at least passingly familiar -- a manic mood, or "high", that's a counterpoint to the abysmal low I was living with last weekend. I suppose that the main thing is that I'm not questioning it.

I'm off Monday. I am going to get up, pick up my Kimagure Orange Road TV box set from the post office, get my brother and take him to replace his cell phone, and then I'm going to run by Best Buy and pick up an external DVD/CD-RW. I considered going for a Blu-Ray drive, but 1) my anime is only DVD, 2) a DVD drive is over half as cheap as the Blu-Ray player, and 3) the Blu-Ray player needed USB 3.0 to run, and I only have one port for that (which is given over to my 1TB HDD, which would run horribly on USB 2.0).



P.S.: It doesn't hurt my mood at all, that management has responded to my more resolute and positive outlook by being more positive and understanding. Basically, the worse I'm doing on an emotional and mental level, the less understanding and the more hurtful they get. Yeah, this place does *NOT* deserve my loyalty at all.

Next up: taking stock of what all I have, and weeding out what I don't need/want. However, unlike last time, I'm going to keep it all, but separate it from the main collection. Then, if I still am disinterested in it in, say, six months, then I'll see about selling it.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Music - Symphony X)
I worked until 11pm tonight, and by all rights I should be in bed, given that I have to be back at work in the morning at 930am. However, thanks to the storm named Lee, the temperature outside is absolutely delicious. The breeze stirs my wind chimes, and gently nips at my toes, promising that soon the heat will be gone for a season.

It's at times like this that I feel truly at peace. It's cool enough that the world snuggles down to slumber a bit deeper, but not so cold that the world has to fight to stay warm. When I inhale, I just feel clean. Clean air. Clean earth. Clean everything. Oh, it may not be all that clean, since I do live in the city, but this feeling reminds me of good times.

  • It reminds me of those nights in 2004, when I would sit in the backyard at my parents' house, listening to (personally) inspirational music, writing in a journal with a pen, using the full moon for light.

  • It reminds me of being at Festival of Souls last October, when the chill in the air was cutting, but being in that sacred space with so many like-minded people was just comforting. The one night I got to stay, I remember sneaking out of my cabin at 4am, and just quietly smoking while looking out at Piersol Lake itself. The whole campground was quiet, at least out by the cabins, and I could feel the joyful energy suffusing everything. Maybe that was just me, but that's how I felt.

  • It also reminds me of times I don't specifically recall. When I first began doing research into pagan traditions (Wicca mostly at first), it was around October of 2002, and every morning felt magical to me. I'd listen to Blackmore's Night or Loreena McKennitt and just connect with the world itself, unchained from the notion of "having a path" or "having religion." I was simply more aware of the world as a living entity than I ever had before, and I think that I formed my connection with the Earth then. Whether or not I've listened since, I believe that it was those crisp mornings when I came closest in my life to finding that spark of divinity that I so long to touch.
What I find most intriguing about this cooler time of year is that I am more inspired and more open than at any other time of year, almost as if Autumn was the season I should have been born in, rather than the middle of winter in January. I feel alive. I feel as if I have but to attempt something, and I will accomplish it.

Life has been hard for me. I've belabored the reasons in other posts. Life has also been good to me. I don't belabor those reasons enough. I may be overweight, but I have most of my health, and my weight isn't unmanageable. I may be alone, but I have people in my life who care enough about me to check in with me when I've been quiet too long. I may be poor, but I can provide for myself. I may be more timid than I like, but I can muster determination when it's truly necessary. I may work at a grocery store instead of in an office environment, but I've had my job for nearly 17 years, and I'm finally close to being able to make the step into department management. I may not have all the glory that I see others attain, but I also know that the humility I have serves me far better than the glory would. Autumn reminds me of these things.

I don't claim that the following poem is any good. It literally came to me while I was composing this post. Yet, I enjoyed writing it, so that's enough for me. I could tweak it to rhyme more, but it paints the picture I desire.

An Autumn Evening )
tek2way: Nature - Lightning Storm (Nature - Lightning Storm)
I'd begun working on a post about my evening, that even had a nice length to it, but inadvertently closed the window before I could post it or save it as a draft. (I was simply editing a catagory to put it into... that'll teach me. :( )

Long story short, I didn't sleep much last night, came home tired, went to bed early. I woke up around 8pm, talked to [personal profile] driver88junkie a bit, and wasted a couple of hours on Cracked.com. When I was ready to go to sleep, I found I was too hot, so I moved my fan, which lead from one thing to the next, until I had moved an end table in my living room to accomodate my hardy plant. It now as a perch by the window, instead of being on the floor. I also thought of a few other things I could do to redecorate my living room, without touching the things on the walls.

Now, I will go inside and likely get about 4 hours of sleep. I'll wish I had gotten more, and my day will hopefully start calmly enough, like Sundays generally do.

I might take a nap when I get home, because I am beginning to notice that I feel most creative when I first wake up. I don't know if that sounds strange or normal, and I don't care. :) I want desperately to get back to writing on a regular basis, and I want to write more than just blog posts that no one ever seems to read. Even if no one reads my prose or poetry, I feel a growing NEED to put my thoughts for stories and such into print on a screen, or on paper. This laptop facilitates my desire to do so, because I'm not bound at that bulky desk; currently, I'm outside, enjoying the decently temperate evening.

Well, I feel weariness finally creeping back into my bones, and my eyelids are asking me to shut them for a few hours, so I'm going to oblige them and hope that I dream something really wonderful.

This will also probably be the last non-religion post I do on this blog. I am going to stick to what I'd originally planned, and post my journey into paganism in this blog. My LJ will be for my day to day updates, my WordPress will eventually be where I post my thoughts about the writing process, as well as where I post some of the things I write. Of course, Twitter will be my usual day-to-day bitch session, and Facebook will just be there, because it's Facebook. :)

Good night, friends. :)
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Music - Dead Winter Dead)
I'd begun working on a post about my evening, that even had a nice length to it, but inadvertently closed the window before I could post it or save it as a draft. (I was simply editing a catagory to put it into... that'll teach me. :( )

Long story short, I didn't sleep much last night, came home tired, went to bed early. I woke up around 8pm, talked to [livejournal.com profile] driver88junkie a bit, and wasted a couple of hours on Cracked.com. When I was ready to go to sleep, I found I was too hot, so I moved my fan, which lead from one thing to the next, until I had moved an end table in my living room to accomodate my hardy plant. It now as a perch by the window, instead of being on the floor. I also thought of a few other things I could do to redecorate my living room, without touching the things on the walls.

Now, I will go inside and likely get about 4 hours of sleep. I'll wish I had gotten more, and my day will hopefully start calmly enough, like Sundays generally do.

I might take a nap when I get home, because I am beginning to notice that I feel most creative when I first wake up. I don't know if that sounds strange or normal, and I don't care. :) I want desperately to get back to writing on a regular basis, and I want to write more than just blog posts that no one ever seems to read. Even if no one reads my prose or poetry, I feel a growing NEED to put my thoughts for stories and such into print on a screen, or on paper. This laptop facilitates my desire to do so, because I'm not bound at that bulky desk; currently, I'm outside, enjoying the decently temperate evening.

Well, I feel weariness finally creeping back into my bones, and my eyelids are asking me to shut them for a few hours, so I'm going to oblige them and hope that I dream something really wonderful.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
I worked 2-11 today (yesterday as of this writing), and the day actually went rather well. I was honestly surprised I was in such a good mood for work, given that I spent a great deal of time in the register. Shanita was the evening supervisor and, despite what one would think, she facilitated my work that night, even as I was constantly helping on the front. Score one for me. :)

I borrowed "The Social Network" from Seleena tonight, and it was a great movie. I do not know if I'd want to watch it again, but I'm glad that I got a chance to watch it at least this once. ;) Heck, that's why i'm still up now. It ended only about 30 minutes ago.

I've been giving some thought to the game I've been running since moving into my apartment. It's gone slowly, but it's gone moderately well. I'm about to pass the GMing reins over to Brad for a while, and enjoy some Shadworun gaming, while I work on the next leg of my campaign. The Carrion Crown adventure path from Paizo has some serious potential to be a memorable horror campaign in the gothic style, and I want to use the time I have to make that a reality.

Having this laptop helps a great deal. I can plan ahead for combat, and use Excel for tracking inititative and hit points of the enemies that they're fighting. I can use Acrobat to display the maps/adventure notes/player handouts. Also, I can more easily control the music playing in my gaming playlist. I admit that I'm toying with finding a digital die roller for Windows, so that I only need my books for the game.

Well, it's late, and my day actually begins early tomorrow. I am going to be picking up Scott, running a couple of errands, and coming back to the apartment to play some Magic and work on his Shadowrun character. Sometime during the day, I am going to give Rick's wife a ride to work. Also, there's a chance that Jessi and Brian might be stopping by. I also want to vacuum my apartment and get my clothes folded and put away. Should be fun.

Also, I've been uncertain regarding my faith lately. I can even feel a change in the vibes of the apartment. I am working through "The Druidry Handbook," though I feel distant from the gods. I cannot say whether that's a distance that they are enforcing on me, or if it's something that I'm convinced they're enforcing, thus making it a self-fulfilling prophecy. I know that I want to learn more about Druidism, even though it is not a reconstructionist tradition, because I feel a connection to the divine that is notably different from Asatru.

It's not that I feel that Asatru is a bad fit. I just want to know for sure that it's the right choice for me. People tell me not to worry about the fact that I've not "heard" a deity from the Norse pantheon, but it does bother me, simply because most everyone else implies that they regularly talk to their gods, and I'm not hearing anything.

At any rate, I'm beat. I'm going to bed now, without delay. Sleep well, all.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
I worked 2-11 today (yestrerday as of this writing), and the day actually went rather well. I was honestly surprised I was in such a good mood for work, given that I spent a great deal of time in the register. Shanita was the evening supervisor and, despite what one would think, she facilitated my work that night, even as I was constantly helping on the front. Score one for me. :)

I borrowed "The Social Network" from Seleena tonight, and it was a great movie. I do not know if I'd want to watch it again, but I'm glad that I got a chance to watch it at least this once. ;) Heck, that's why i'm still up now. It ended only about 30 minutes ago.

I've been giving some thought to the game I've been running since moving into my apartment. It's gone slowly, but it's gone moderately well. I'm about to pass the GMing reins over to [livejournal.com profile] nyminal for a while, and enjoy some Shadworun gaming, while I work on the next leg of my campaign. The Carrion Crown adventure path from Paizo has some serious potential to be a memorable horror campaign in the gothic style, and I want to use the time I have to make that a reality.

Having this laptop helps a great deal. I can plan ahead for combat, and use Excel for tracking inititative and hit points of the enemies that they're fighting. I can use Acrobat to display the maps/adventure notes/player handouts. Also, I can more easily control the music playing in my gaming playlist. I admit that I'm toying with finding a digital die roller for Windows, so that I only need my books for the game.

Well, it's late, and my day actually begins early tomorrow. I am going to be picking up [livejournal.com profile] strieson, running a couple of errands, and coming back to the apartment to play some Magic and work on his Shadowrun character. Sometime during the day, I am going to give [livejournal.com profile] titus_the_mage's wife a ride to work. Also, there's a chance that [livejournal.com profile] una_con_laluna and [livejournal.com profile] marius_98 might be stopping by. I also want to vacuum my apartment and get my clothes folded and put away. Should be fun.

Until next we meet..

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tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
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