tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
So my friend came over to hang out tonight. I was on my computer when he did, which is not that out of the ordinary. However, I felt unmotivated to really move. He sat down, and I continued to browse a bit. He then asked a question that got an explosive response. "Do you have any lifelong goals?" *

My calm snapped out of place, and I replied, "Do I look like I have any life long goals?"

"I wasn't aware that looks had anything to do with it," he shot back.

"No, I mean that I'm..." and I then began to nitpick my life, so I could prove to him that I clearly couldn't have lifelong goals, or I wouldn't be where I am now.

Here begins the 'TL;DR' )

So.. that is quite a bunch of words. I'm going to be surprised and impressed if anyone actually got to the end of this. Your thoughts are infinitely welcome. If you'd like to email me about them, it's my LJ username at gmail.


* - Or something very similar.
** - Something that sounds very familiar, given the whole "wanna be an author" bit.
tek2way: Nature - Lightning Storm (Nature - Lightning Storm)
I'd begun working on a post about my evening, that even had a nice length to it, but inadvertently closed the window before I could post it or save it as a draft. (I was simply editing a catagory to put it into... that'll teach me. :( )

Long story short, I didn't sleep much last night, came home tired, went to bed early. I woke up around 8pm, talked to [personal profile] driver88junkie a bit, and wasted a couple of hours on Cracked.com. When I was ready to go to sleep, I found I was too hot, so I moved my fan, which lead from one thing to the next, until I had moved an end table in my living room to accomodate my hardy plant. It now as a perch by the window, instead of being on the floor. I also thought of a few other things I could do to redecorate my living room, without touching the things on the walls.

Now, I will go inside and likely get about 4 hours of sleep. I'll wish I had gotten more, and my day will hopefully start calmly enough, like Sundays generally do.

I might take a nap when I get home, because I am beginning to notice that I feel most creative when I first wake up. I don't know if that sounds strange or normal, and I don't care. :) I want desperately to get back to writing on a regular basis, and I want to write more than just blog posts that no one ever seems to read. Even if no one reads my prose or poetry, I feel a growing NEED to put my thoughts for stories and such into print on a screen, or on paper. This laptop facilitates my desire to do so, because I'm not bound at that bulky desk; currently, I'm outside, enjoying the decently temperate evening.

Well, I feel weariness finally creeping back into my bones, and my eyelids are asking me to shut them for a few hours, so I'm going to oblige them and hope that I dream something really wonderful.

This will also probably be the last non-religion post I do on this blog. I am going to stick to what I'd originally planned, and post my journey into paganism in this blog. My LJ will be for my day to day updates, my WordPress will eventually be where I post my thoughts about the writing process, as well as where I post some of the things I write. Of course, Twitter will be my usual day-to-day bitch session, and Facebook will just be there, because it's Facebook. :)

Good night, friends. :)
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Music - Dead Winter Dead)
I'd begun working on a post about my evening, that even had a nice length to it, but inadvertently closed the window before I could post it or save it as a draft. (I was simply editing a catagory to put it into... that'll teach me. :( )

Long story short, I didn't sleep much last night, came home tired, went to bed early. I woke up around 8pm, talked to [livejournal.com profile] driver88junkie a bit, and wasted a couple of hours on Cracked.com. When I was ready to go to sleep, I found I was too hot, so I moved my fan, which lead from one thing to the next, until I had moved an end table in my living room to accomodate my hardy plant. It now as a perch by the window, instead of being on the floor. I also thought of a few other things I could do to redecorate my living room, without touching the things on the walls.

Now, I will go inside and likely get about 4 hours of sleep. I'll wish I had gotten more, and my day will hopefully start calmly enough, like Sundays generally do.

I might take a nap when I get home, because I am beginning to notice that I feel most creative when I first wake up. I don't know if that sounds strange or normal, and I don't care. :) I want desperately to get back to writing on a regular basis, and I want to write more than just blog posts that no one ever seems to read. Even if no one reads my prose or poetry, I feel a growing NEED to put my thoughts for stories and such into print on a screen, or on paper. This laptop facilitates my desire to do so, because I'm not bound at that bulky desk; currently, I'm outside, enjoying the decently temperate evening.

Well, I feel weariness finally creeping back into my bones, and my eyelids are asking me to shut them for a few hours, so I'm going to oblige them and hope that I dream something really wonderful.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
If you get to know me well enough, eventually you'll hear about my desire to find someone with whom I can share my life. You'll hear how I'm looking for that one person who completes me, and makes me feel stronger than I ever did alone. Well, maybe not recently. "M" from New Jersey saw to that. You don't know who "M" is? That's a long tale all by itself..

It all began in October 2004. )The point of that long, rambling tale was that she made a snide comment about guys saying she "completed" them. It bugged me, because I realized that she was at least partly right. I need to be a complete person by myself, before I ever think of being part of something bigger than me. Ever since then, I've avoided allowing myself to think like that for any woman I've felt for (which has not been a terribly long list). It could even stand to reason that her words caused me to hide my feelings and hide FROM my feelings enough that it damaged what relationships I have tried.

I recognize that I need to work on me. It's vital for me to try, because I still believe -- deep down -- that there's someone out there for me. How can I know, though, when I get scared everytime I find myself getting close to someone? How can I find that other half that makes my own whole even more complete, if I can't be with someone without trying to find out why I don't need to be with her? It's a horrible vicious circle, and one that I guess I still have to work on.

I actually am generally happy alone, now. I don't have to be around someone to feel validated or worthwhile. Ironically, though, that independence has caused me to resent being involved with someone, because of the expectations that come from being involved with someone. So while I feel more okay with myself on one hand, with the other I'm pushing against the very thing that I claim to want to find.

It isn't that I think my standards are too high. I think that my standards have been set so high so I won't find anyone who fits them. I have even told msyelf that, because I didn't live up to my own standards for my dream woman, I didn't have to worry about finding anyone, because I wasn't ready. Yet, I still want that magical relationship. So, I relax on my standards, and I find someone I could be happy with, and yet, those standards come back and make me second guess how I feel and how comfortable I am with things after all. Perhaps I move too fast, subconsciously trying to "make up lost time", and when I realize how far I moved, I panic. I wish I knew.

The past year has taught me a lot about myself, and where my comfort zones are. I can honestly say that, even though I'm still more down on myself than I should be, I also feel more confident than ever, simply because I've met so many new people, who all seem to accept me for what they see, and no more. There are no hidden agendas (mostly), and I feel the love coming from folks. I'm closer to some of the people that I've met in the last year than I am to friends and family I've known for most of my life. Yet, that's not enough by itself. I still need to figure "me" out, and "me" is a broad picture.

I could list the things I want to change about myself, but I've learned that lists of things I need to work on just intimidate me into ignoring the list altogether. One could definitely say that I need to a ton of shadow work, and I wouldn't argue. For the time being, I'm going to lose the excess weight I've been carrying, because that's not what I want, regardless.

I just want to find that relationship sometime before I'm too old to enjoy it. I also worry that my soulmate was the girl I hung out for one evening when I was 16-17, when we met through some mutual friends. By the end of the night, I was in love. I wish I had asked for her number, because I never saw her again. It could be that I've built it up over the years, but I remember feeling like I was on cloud 9 when we dropped her off that night, and everyone noticed how we were clicking.

Live and learn, I guess. Does anyone know if one can have more than one true love in a life? Heh. I better believe it myself, or I am in trouble. :-/

Time for bed, because work will be coming early tomorrow...



1 - No, we never dated in name, but she told me she loved me, I sent her flowers and wrote her poetry. And, in the fallout of that night, I hurt like only someone who was in love could.

2 - I'd asked her out for Valentine's Day back in October, so it was a "date" trip. Yeah, a date trip with your little brother and a friend, both of whom were interested in her as well. Riiight.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
Lately, I've been giving serious thought to my role in life.

I'm single. I work at a grocery store, having dropped out of both high school (got G.E.D.) and college. It has been over 20 years since I was unquestioningly a Christian, and 9 years since I began to consider that perhaps Christianity isn't for me1. In fact, back in 2003, I decided that my "god" was simply going to be outer space. The planets, stars, and other phenomena out there enrapture my soul with their existence, and I've long considered paradise to simply be existing, without form, somewhere in our galaxy, just orbiting the galactic core with the stars. I have strained relations with my immediate family, and frequently feel closer to friends of mine than I do my own flesh and blood. I find reasons to shoot down everything I do, sometimes before I can even attempt them.

Now that you have a glimpse of what I feel being me is like, I come to the point of this post. When I was very young, I wanted to be an X-Wing pilot. At 10, I wanted to be an astronaut. When I was 12, I wanted to go to Narnia and play with the Pevensies. When I took French in my first year of junior high, I wanted to be a translator. By the time I was 15, I wanted to find a way to Krynn so that I could adventure with the Companions of the Lance. In high school, I briefly considered psychiatry. I wanted to be an advisor to King Belgarion and chat with Belgarath and Polgara from the Belgariad. Then it was something in the computer field, though I was leaning towards programming.

After I dropped out of high school, I found work at a grocery store. I figured it'd be a good place to start. I held onto my dream of computers, even trying my hand at college for them (I was far too undisciplined -- a trait that I still have, unfortunately). I continued to work at Kroger, and became full-time. I read Stardust when it came out, and wanted desperately to live in Wall or the Bazaar. I wanted Neverwhere to be real, so that I could live with the folks who lived in London below. I quit the computer phone support job I had and stuck with Kroger. I felt the heartbreaking pain of knowing what it must feel like to live forever without my soulmate, thanks to Philip Pullman's series.

Through it all, I've had a dream. One that I almost dare not mention, for fear that the winds of fate will rip even this from me...

...I want to be a published author. There, I've said it.

I have heard the saying about wanting it doesn't count, because you have to BE one. I frankly don't care. I think about the D&D campaigns I've run, and the one I enjoyed the most was the one in which I put a lot of effort into planning it, even going so far as to create an outline and knowing how the campaigns climatic moment would look. (I ended it before it got to that, which makes me very sad. No one knows what I had in store for my heroes.) I think about the times I've sat and composed poetry that no one but myself reads. I think about all the stories I've started and stopped (for lack of interest, or lack of belief in myself).

The way that the written word affects me, especially in a delightful piece of fiction, transcends age or hobbies. I want to hear that someone read something of mine, and was so into it that they read it over and over. I want to hear that something I wrote motivated someone to become more than they were prior.

Now, none of this will occur if I don't write. I can't exactly publish something if I don't write it, let alone if it's accepted by a publishing house. This is my biggest hurdle: reminding myself that writing is worth it, even if no one reads it, and that I must write lots that people won't read in order to get to the point that I'm writing something that has people hanging on my release schedule.

My second biggest hurdle, though nearly as large: my self-criticism. I am entirely too critical of everything I do, and will shoot down an idea as it's getting started. That I'm posting this on the Internet where someone can see it at all is a step forward. I've had it with that, too. If there's something in life that you want bad enough, you not only have to be prepared to fight for it; chances are that you WILL have to fight for it. I am sick and tired of bowing and scraping before the altar of my failure. It's time to dismantle that horrible thing, and just take that step.

It all ties into a personal saying of mine:

Nothing worthwhile is easy; nothing easy is appreciated.

I'm not entirely sure where I am going to begin. In the meantime, though, I will be posting more frequently on my journal. The posts may not always be so heavy, either. I may post something simple, shallow, and happy sometimes; something long and sad; or anywhere in between.

Now, it's late, and I must get things put away so that I can go to bed. I have work far too early in the morning.

1 - I am not downplaying it at ALL. In fact, I believe that it has a fantastic moral groundwork and that Jesus' lessons cross religious lines. My primary issue comes from what I perceive to be the "politics" behind the pulpit, but I digress...

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