tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Art (Unk.) - Sorrowful Knight)
Eight and a half years.

That's how long it has been since all of the crap that went down with "M" from New Jersey. For the record, her name is Michelle, and the last time I heard anything about her, she had moved to Tennessee. Hmph. Talk about rubbing salt in the wound.

Most of the entries from that time period are filtered to one group or another. The simple story is that Michelle began talking to me in October 2004, and made me feel like she was interested in me in no uncertain terms. Friends I talked to about her seemed sure she did. Over the next two months, she took advantage of my growing love for her to amuse herself. She would "punish" me by not talking to me on the phone, or by letting me see that she was sitting at her webcam, and chatting with others on MSN Messenger (but not me).

I almost drove to North Carolina to see her at Thanksgiving, because she was going to be there, visiting family. I was so sure that she felt the same that I was willing to do that, in a vehicle that was in need of repairs and tires. She sent a topless photo of her, and had me swear that I would tell no one about it, nor share it with anyone. Until this moment, I kept that promise, with the exception of only one other person. That other person is one of my best friends, and we discovered what happened when we finally met under a flag of truce to discuss things and compare notes.

I got my hands on a loan (that I couldn't afford), and used it to go see her, purchasing a plane ticket last minute and burning vacation time. The first night was fun, even though she brought her friend. Her friend left, and we were intimate. This was my first experience with a woman. Even then, right after it had occurred, the memory of what happened was a foggy haze.

The next day, she sent her friend over, because she claimed that she wanted me to hook up with her. When I delayed slightly in calling Michelle, she "punished" me again, by refusing to come see me. My memory that night was of laying in one of the two beds in the room, watching "How the Grinch Stole Christmas", and wishing that I would die in my sleep.

The next day, she arrived, and the night was magical. Despite all that bullshit she put me through the night before, I took her back without a second thought. We went to a nice Italian restaurant, and I was so in love that that memory -- to this day -- makes me feel a little soft-hearted. The way I felt, the way she looked, the ambience of the restaurant, the intimacy of our table; when I recall that night, I feel a little bit of what I felt then, and it cuts me so deeply to realize that I haven't had that since.

You see, that was my love story. That was the story of me, falling in love, completely innocent of what people can do in relationships to harm the other without using physical violence. I was prepared to move to New Jersey to be with her. I was prepared to sever a friendship I'd had for almost a decade, because I heard he was bothering her (she apparently was telling him the same about me). I wrote her poetry. I sent her flowers at random. I craved the moments when we could talk on the phone. I was blind to her manipulation, to her lies, to her way of treating me like shit and treating many of my friends the exact same as she treated me when she wasn't treating me like shit.

One day, several years ago, I walked out of a Cracker Barrel that was near where I worked at the time, and the way the sky looked, coupled with the unfamiliarity of the landscape (it was a place I didn't often go), made me remember New Jersey. The rest of my day was spent in a morbid depression. I think I even posted about it.

I said simple, not short.

Twice in the last two weeks, I spent nearly an hour each time, spilling my heart about random subjects. I always feel better when I'm done, and I feel like talking it out helped me immensely. Of course, I believe that I got nudges at times about the line of my talking.

Tonight, I began to talk to Freyja about it. I often talk to Her. I never ask anything of Her, except to listen to my words. I was struck by the appearance of the room. I had some Sarah Brightman/Josh Groban/Hayley Westenra playing, I was snuggled into my blankets, and I was turned to face my bedside table, on which I've placed a statue of Freyja (along with a piece of amber, a preserved rose from last year, and my Freyja oil, that I used to annoint the statue). The lava lamp was on, and casting its soft blue light on the walls, and I could see the outline of the statue without my glasses. All of those elements combined put me in a melancholy mood, and I thought, "I should imagine a place where I am away from it all, and in absolute love with someone."

...I immediately found myself thinking two words: New Jersey.

Over the next thirty minutes, I talked to Her about how the whole situation made me feel, what I thought of Michelle now, and how her actions have affected me ever since. I realized that I am scared. Before Michelle, I was afraid of rejection. After Michelle, I was more afraid that I would get into a relationship and get hurt the same way again. I mean, there was one night, when I thought I'd lost her, that I literally couldn't breathe when I tried to lay down to sleep. I was up for nearly two days.

Again, I had my nudges. I realized that I was blaming myself for how everything went down, when she willfully played with my emotions. Even if she thought it was a fun game, surely she realized that a person willing to fly nearly 2000 miles at a moment's notice was in it far deeper than a game. I was so happy when I stepped off the plane and saw her, and realized she was in front of me in the flesh.

I realized that blaming myself was the wrong direction to go. I hesitate to call it silly, because that's just more self-deprecation. I honestly feel a kind of pity for her, that she felt the need to manipulate no less than 3-4 people that fall. She deserved to be loved, too, and it's a shame that she didn't think so.

I also realized that I cannot fully excuse her actions. I can have pity for her, but I can certainly blame her. She willfully hurt me, and knew it would hurt me. She was the catalyst for the rift between my brother Aron and me, as he was apparently another of the 3-4. Unlike Scott, though, he wasn't interested in talking it out to compare notes. She accused me of horrible things, after the fact, to make herself look like the victim.

I have been scared of relationships for a long, long time. Since that fateful 2004 encounter, I have been the one to break things off, even if my passivity caused me to just avoid the person I was seeing. Once, when I was finally screwing up the courage to officially break it off, the woman chose to end it, and -- coward that I was (am?) -- I just let it go at that.

I want to get involved with a woman again. I want to have that soul-deep connection to another human being. I want to see someone, and know immediately that she is the woman I will grow old with. I crave that certainty. Yet, I know that no matter what I may feel about some woman I run into, the specter of being treated like shit -- I'll call it what it is: emotional abuse -- hangs around me, souring my feelings. When I was younger, when I saw a girl I liked, I'd eventually daydream about what it'd be like to live with her forever. I'd almost see the house/apartment. I'd imagine the children. Call it creepy if you want, but for me that daydream represented a blazing hope that I could have a lifelong love, that my parents didn't have.

I no longer daydream.

Almost. I have had two occurrences in which I daydreamed in the last couple of years. One was someone that I was so sure I'd have a meaningful relationship with, that I exited my comfort zone to pursue it. No, it isn't who you might think, and I will never identify who it is, nor will I give clues. The other person was a woman who cut my hair at Supercuts a few months back. She was a black woman with one of those wild-looking afros. She had light skin, and the feeling I got from her was California and modern living far away from the Bible Belt and Tennessee. I didn't daydream long, but I did. She felt... like someone I could live with forever.

This is a night of immense clarity, yet I know I have a long way yet to go before I can be comfortable dating. My own self-image stands in my way, but that is a fight for another night.



Freyja, Goddess of Love and Life. Lady of the Vanir. Bearer of Brisingamen. Mother of Hnoss and Gersemi. Odr's wife, who wept tears of gold.

Grant me the confidence I need in order that I may find the one whom I still seek, and let the time be right, that my story can have a happy ending.

Help me find myself, and I will walk proudly in the light. No longer will I hide my faith behind false assumptions. I will declare myself openly and publically to you. I will also burn the tangible memories of that time in a fire consecrated to you, and sacrifice a bottle of mead and a pork tenderloin in your name.

Before all the gods and by my hope of living and dying well, so do I swear it.




.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
If you get to know me well enough, eventually you'll hear about my desire to find someone with whom I can share my life. You'll hear how I'm looking for that one person who completes me, and makes me feel stronger than I ever did alone. Well, maybe not recently. "M" from New Jersey saw to that. You don't know who "M" is? That's a long tale all by itself..

It all began in October 2004. )The point of that long, rambling tale was that she made a snide comment about guys saying she "completed" them. It bugged me, because I realized that she was at least partly right. I need to be a complete person by myself, before I ever think of being part of something bigger than me. Ever since then, I've avoided allowing myself to think like that for any woman I've felt for (which has not been a terribly long list). It could even stand to reason that her words caused me to hide my feelings and hide FROM my feelings enough that it damaged what relationships I have tried.

I recognize that I need to work on me. It's vital for me to try, because I still believe -- deep down -- that there's someone out there for me. How can I know, though, when I get scared everytime I find myself getting close to someone? How can I find that other half that makes my own whole even more complete, if I can't be with someone without trying to find out why I don't need to be with her? It's a horrible vicious circle, and one that I guess I still have to work on.

I actually am generally happy alone, now. I don't have to be around someone to feel validated or worthwhile. Ironically, though, that independence has caused me to resent being involved with someone, because of the expectations that come from being involved with someone. So while I feel more okay with myself on one hand, with the other I'm pushing against the very thing that I claim to want to find.

It isn't that I think my standards are too high. I think that my standards have been set so high so I won't find anyone who fits them. I have even told msyelf that, because I didn't live up to my own standards for my dream woman, I didn't have to worry about finding anyone, because I wasn't ready. Yet, I still want that magical relationship. So, I relax on my standards, and I find someone I could be happy with, and yet, those standards come back and make me second guess how I feel and how comfortable I am with things after all. Perhaps I move too fast, subconsciously trying to "make up lost time", and when I realize how far I moved, I panic. I wish I knew.

The past year has taught me a lot about myself, and where my comfort zones are. I can honestly say that, even though I'm still more down on myself than I should be, I also feel more confident than ever, simply because I've met so many new people, who all seem to accept me for what they see, and no more. There are no hidden agendas (mostly), and I feel the love coming from folks. I'm closer to some of the people that I've met in the last year than I am to friends and family I've known for most of my life. Yet, that's not enough by itself. I still need to figure "me" out, and "me" is a broad picture.

I could list the things I want to change about myself, but I've learned that lists of things I need to work on just intimidate me into ignoring the list altogether. One could definitely say that I need to a ton of shadow work, and I wouldn't argue. For the time being, I'm going to lose the excess weight I've been carrying, because that's not what I want, regardless.

I just want to find that relationship sometime before I'm too old to enjoy it. I also worry that my soulmate was the girl I hung out for one evening when I was 16-17, when we met through some mutual friends. By the end of the night, I was in love. I wish I had asked for her number, because I never saw her again. It could be that I've built it up over the years, but I remember feeling like I was on cloud 9 when we dropped her off that night, and everyone noticed how we were clicking.

Live and learn, I guess. Does anyone know if one can have more than one true love in a life? Heh. I better believe it myself, or I am in trouble. :-/

Time for bed, because work will be coming early tomorrow...



1 - No, we never dated in name, but she told me she loved me, I sent her flowers and wrote her poetry. And, in the fallout of that night, I hurt like only someone who was in love could.

2 - I'd asked her out for Valentine's Day back in October, so it was a "date" trip. Yeah, a date trip with your little brother and a friend, both of whom were interested in her as well. Riiight.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
I spent my day off today doing nothing but downloading songs from iTunes (that I already paid for -- iTunes now allows you to redownload things you've purchased), and watching movies. Wow, have I been watching movies today. Let's see. I started the day with "The Hangover", then watched "Problem Child". Next, I found "She's Out of My League". Finally, I gave in and ordered "Rango" via OnDemand. All were great, and I am thoroughly glad I had the chance to watch "Rango", and it was a darned hoot of a good time (the Spirit of the West scene alone was killer).

The movie that had me thinking was "She's Out of My League". Those of you who know me well enough, know how I tend to view myself in general. I definitely identified with Kirk, a 20-something who had never gone to college, felt stuck at his dead-end job, was unlucky in love, and felt like he would never accomplish his dreams. I'll point out that Alice Eve, who played Molly1, is also beautiful, and the character was very likable, so it was really easy to feel the movie (as a result, that is a movie that I am going to pick up on DVD/Blu-Ray sooner or later -- one of the first movies to pass the "is it good enough to BUY?" litmus test I came up with a year or two ago... but I digress).

Click for the rest of my wake-up call )

Well, that's most of what's running through my head right now. It's a jumble, and I'm sure there's something that I missed, but I decided that it was past time to share. Who knows? Maybe someone I know out there will have advice or say something I need to hear..


1 -- Why is it that the name "Molly" makes my blood move just a bit faster?

2 -- Bringing up that reality would mean they'd argue and possibly break up -- or actually live happily ever after -- is another post altogether.

3 -- I don't believe in multiple orders from one car in a drive-thru. It's discourteous.
tek2way: Nature - Daylit Clouds (Nature - Daylit Clouds)
It has been a while since I last posted here. Additionally, those posts are gone, scattered to the four winds of time and space. In my naivety, I believed that no one was actually watching here, and consequently suffered for it. I *KNOW* better than to post things on the Internet and expect them to stay hush hush. I have learned, and am moving on. I'll speak no more about it.



I spent my day off today doing nothing but downloading songs from iTunes (that I already paid for -- iTunes now allows you to redownload things you've purchased), and watching movies. Wow, have I been watching movies todady. Let's see. I started the day with "The Hangover", then watched "Problem Child". Next, I found "She's Out of My League". Finally, I gave in and ordered "Rango" via OnDemand. All were great, and I am thoroughly glad I had the chance to watch "Rango", and it was a darned hoot of a good time (the Spirit of the West scene alone was killer).

The movie that had me thinking was "She's Out of My League". Those of you who know me well enough, know how I tend to view myself in general. I definitely identified with Kirk, a 20-something who had never gone to college, felt stuck at his dead-end job, was unlucky in love, and felt like he would never accomplish his dreams. I'll point out that Alice Eve, who played Molly1, is also beautiful, and the character was very likable, so it was really easy to feel the movie (as a result, that is a movie that I am going to pick up on DVD/Blu-Ray sooner or later -- one of the first movies to pass the "is it good enough to BUY?" litmus test I came up with a year or two ago... but I digress).

Click for the rest of my wake-up call )

Well, that's most of what's running through my head right now. It's a jumble, and I'm sure there's something that I missed, but I decided that it was past time to share. Who knows? Maybe someone I know out there will have advice or say something I need to hear..


1 -- Why is it that the name "Molly" makes my blood move just a bit faster?

2 -- Bringing up that reality would mean they'd argue and possibly break up -- or actually live happily ever after -- is another post altogether.

3 -- I don't believe in multiple orders from one car in a drive-thru. It's discourteous.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Movies (SW) - Yoda and the light)

..I'm actually going to post. :)

First, welcome to [livejournal.com profile] kiyasjoy. She is the awesome, and has FINALLY given in to LJ. :) Welcome, girl!!

My life has been picking slowly back up over the last week. Our manager has been replaced with someone who isn't a world-class douchebag. As a result, I'm enjoying my job more than I was, though I still despise doing the U-Scan full balance.

In other news, I have reactivated my WoW account. I like playing, and I'm eager to see the changes that Cataclysm, the next expansion, will bring to the leveling experience. That said, I've talked to my girl, and I've promised that it won't become a priority.

Also, things are at a semi-standstill in the finding a new place search. Not badly, but I'm trying to sit on my money as best I can, so I have something when I go looking. Tomorrow, I'm going to get that storage unit, so I can move a couch into it that I'm being given (it's heavy, so I will gladly accept any and all help folks will provide). I'm also going to move a lot of stuff from the attic into the unit, provided I can find one big enough that is affordable. I'm thinking about that place on Summer near where Bumpus Harley used to be about 10 years ago.

Oddly, though I should be afraid of moving out completely on my own, I'm actually kind of excited. My own place, decorated the way I want it, with my stuff where I want it, and no roommate to fight over dishes and cleaning with. The place is gonna be creepy, it'll be so clean. LOL.

Thanksgiving is Thursday, and I've been invited to dinner with [livejournal.com profile] dalengwyr and his family. Leigh Ann and Brian will also be there, so it should be fun. The odd thing is that it'll be the first Thanksgiving in YEARS where I am doing something other than going home and brooding in my room. See, the holidays (Thanksgiving till my birthday on 7 January) are a time where I've always fallen into a black depression. Time will tell, but I feel optimistic that that won't be the case this year.

Well, my lunch is running out, and I have to go double check Twitter. *taps vein* LOL. Take care, all.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Movies (SW) - Yoda and the light)

..I'm actually going to post. :)

First, welcome to [livejournal.com profile] kiyasjoy. She is the awesome, and has FINALLY given in to LJ. :) Welcome, girl!!

My life has been picking slowly back up over the last week. Our manager has been replaced with someone who isn't a world-class douchebag. As a result, I'm enjoying my job more than I was, though I still despise doing the U-Scan full balance.

In other news, I have reactivated my WoW account. I like playing, and I'm eager to see the changes that Cataclysm, the next expansion, will bring to the leveling experience. That said, I've talked to my girl, and I've promised that it won't become a priority.

Also, things are at a semi-standstill in the finding a new place search. Not badly, but I'm trying to sit on my money as best I can, so I have something when I go looking. Tomorrow, I'm going to get that storage unit, so I can move a couch into it that I'm being given (it's heavy, so I will gladly accept any and all help folks will provide). I'm also going to move a lot of stuff from the attic into the unit, provided I can find one big enough that is affordable. I'm thinking about that place on Summer near where Bumpus Harley used to be about 10 years ago.

Oddly, though I should be afraid of moving out completely on my own, I'm actually kind of excited. My own place, decorated the way I want it, with my stuff where I want it, and no roommate to fight over dishes and cleaning with. The place is gonna be creepy, it'll be so clean. LOL.

Thanksgiving is Thursday, and I've been invited to dinner with [livejournal.com profile] dalengwyr and his family. Leigh Ann and Brian will also be there, so it should be fun. The odd thing is that it'll be the first Thanksgiving in YEARS where I am doing something other than going home and brooding in my room. See, the holidays (Thanksgiving till my birthday on 7 January) are a time where I've always fallen into a black depression. Time will tell, but I feel optimistic that that won't be the case this year.

Well, my lunch is running out, and I have to go double check Twitter. *taps vein* LOL. Take care, all.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Comics - Death 2)
Gotta have a title, but danged if I could think o' one tonight. :)

Today was a typical kind of day, though we switched our UScans from holding $1s, 5s, and 10s, to $1s, 5s, and 20s. The only problem with this? We didn't know that upgrade was today. So, I got to skip my lunch and run to the bank with the CSM to get some $20s to put in the machine. It wasn't too bad, though I got a pretty serious headache from the lack of food. Even eating when I came home wasn't enough to make it go away, and when I took a nap after watching the commentary on "In My Time of Dying (Supernatural, Season 2, Episode 1)"*, I still woke with a pounding headache.

I took some Excedrin, prepped an ice pack, and watched "The Magnificent Seven (Supernatural, Season 3, Episode 1)" on the TV in the living room. Great episode, especially since the only other way I'd seen it was as an iTunes download. Speaking of that, I grabbed Season 3 on DVD yesterday, and got a code that got me Season 3 in iTunes free. I gotta say, that's awesome, since I think Season 3 might very well be my favorite season of the show yet (and that's not an easy decision).

Now, I'm just taking it easy, getting ready to go to bed.

Don't forget, by the way, that I have my own MySpace. I cross post there, but it's kinda fun, too.

Click here for more content! )
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Music - Angels Fall First)
I was off today, and it wasn't bad, but it wasn't particularly great, either. I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and I could never shake the bad feeling associated with it. I created a sheet so that the three of us here can track our chores (to keep everything equal, so everyone stays happy), and took a nap. I caught up my laundry, and helped Charles hang his new ceiling fan when he got home from work.

Charles and [livejournal.com profile] strieson went to Taco Bell to get dinner, while I stayed home. I'd decided that I wanted to cook some burgers, since I'd bought them on Sunday. First, though, I grabbed a metal file and fixed the latches on both of our back doors, so that they'd catch when they closed (as it was, the screen door never caught, and the inner door only closed for sure when the dead bolt was engaged). Feeling rather proud of myself, I cleaned up and made those burgers.

About the time they were done, Charles and [livejournal.com profile] strieson came home. I'd just decided that I wanted to watch "Stranger than Fiction", and oddly, both of them really liked the idea. We took a short intermission mid-movie so that Charles could talk to his girlfriend, but that was it. Normally, it's a steady stream of breaks because of the "no inside smoking" clause we have here.

The movie was very thought provoking. I thoroughly enjoyed it, too. I found the end to be suspenseful enough that both [livejournal.com profile] strieson and I yelled at Charles for trying to predict what would happen (while I had a feeling, I didn't want any outside influences affecting it).

Now, it's over, and I find myself melancholy )

Oh well, enough of my whining. Good night, Gracie.
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tek2way: Music - Souls of Black (Music - Souls of Black)
...with moving. Most of the living room is over here, as is most of my room (though my bookshelves are still there..). Still, my room is mostly in one piece. Yes, this means what it sounds like. My bookshelves are relegated to the dining room area. Still, they'll have a certain elegance to them, I hope, so it won't look bad.

I'll post a pic or two of what my room looks like, once I get something on these bare walls. :)

For now, I have to sleep, for I have to work tomorrow in a store that's closed.

That reminds me.. they were taking our sign down before I even left at 1130am today. :( When I pulled out of the parking lot, all that was left was the "K" in Kroger, and they were working that loose. *sigh* Couldn't they have waited until I was gone?

And, I went to say goodbye to one of our checkers. Very cute black girl (I say girl, but she's in her early 20s... well, perhaps girl is still appropriate), and when I said goodbye, I noticed a slight change in her facial features. Now, she was distant when she started working there, but over the last few weeks, we'd gotten to talking on a semi-regular basis, and I noticed that she *was* warming up to me. That slight change gave me a moment's pause. I think there was a moment where she might have said something, or been receptive to something I could have said. *shrug* I smiled and said goodbye again. Chances are good I'll not see her again.

It reminds me of when I left Snowden back in 1990. To this day, there are regrets I have regarding certain girls who were in my grade. I've even had dreams about some of them. I might even tell you about them some day.

For now, my bed calls me (the bed with a brand new set of box springs which have resuscitated it from extinction). Good night, all.
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tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
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