tek2way: Anime - UN Spacy (Anime - UN Spacy)
So, in the interest of beating a dead horse, I'm going to talk about anime again today.

You see, I am (re)discovering the unbridled joy that came from watching it, particularly the stuff that I was into when I was in my late teens and early 20s (Ranma 1/2, Tenchi Muyo, Kimagure Orange Road, Macross, Bubblegum Crisis, and similar). Only this time, I don't think I have any fucks to give for anyone who might naysay my choice of pastimes. That's not to say that I was overly worried then, but on my way home, listening to Two-Mix in my car, I found myself saying firmly, "I'm an anime fan. I'm an otaku. I'm a geek. I'm even a metalhead. I do not fear fandom labels, because they're the things I like, and --"

That's when I had to make the left turn, and focused on the oncoming traffic instead. :)

Regardless, though, there was a liberating feeling to that thought, and I liked it. I'm a Star Wars fan. I'm an RPG fan. I'm a gaming (role-playing, board, card, video) fan. I'm a Brandon Sanderson fan. I'm a sci-fi fan. I'm a Game of Thrones fan. I'm a Tolkien fan. I'm a Harry Potter fan. I'm a Marvel Universe fan. I'm also a DC Universe fan. I'm a fan of Neil Gaiman, and am generally in love with the cast of characters from his various books. I'm a music fan. I'm a fan of Iron Maiden. I'm a fan of Nightwish. I'm a fan of Helloween. I'm a fan of Sarah Brightman, Hayley Westenra, Josh Groban, Loreena McKennitt, and Enya.

In some small way, listening to anime music (and watching anime) has reminded me that it's okay to like the things I do, no matter what society has decided is appropriate for someone my age. For gods' sakes, if I was to truly measure myself by society's standards, I really would be planning to end it all, because a car is about the only "grown up" thing I can say I've "accomplished". House? Nope. "Grown-up" job making enough to support my family? Nope. Significant other? Nope. Kids? Absolutely not.

All this from listening to anime soundtrack music? Oddly, yes, more or less. You see, some of this has come from self-reflection since that thought, but the principle still applies. I also want to stress that I'm in no way suddenly "better", and free from my depression and anxiety. First, today was a stressful work day, but I was able to manage it, and I never got overwhelmed. Second, the pragmatic side of me reasons that this could be -- to use older parlance with which I'm at least passingly familiar -- a manic mood, or "high", that's a counterpoint to the abysmal low I was living with last weekend. I suppose that the main thing is that I'm not questioning it.

I'm off Monday. I am going to get up, pick up my Kimagure Orange Road TV box set from the post office, get my brother and take him to replace his cell phone, and then I'm going to run by Best Buy and pick up an external DVD/CD-RW. I considered going for a Blu-Ray drive, but 1) my anime is only DVD, 2) a DVD drive is over half as cheap as the Blu-Ray player, and 3) the Blu-Ray player needed USB 3.0 to run, and I only have one port for that (which is given over to my 1TB HDD, which would run horribly on USB 2.0).



P.S.: It doesn't hurt my mood at all, that management has responded to my more resolute and positive outlook by being more positive and understanding. Basically, the worse I'm doing on an emotional and mental level, the less understanding and the more hurtful they get. Yeah, this place does *NOT* deserve my loyalty at all.

Next up: taking stock of what all I have, and weeding out what I don't need/want. However, unlike last time, I'm going to keep it all, but separate it from the main collection. Then, if I still am disinterested in it in, say, six months, then I'll see about selling it.
tek2way: Anime - Ayukawa (Anime - Ayukawa)
Since I migrated my entire journal from LJ over to here, I guess I'll call this a fresh start.

I have been absolutely horrid about posing on my blog since establishing a regular presence on Facebook and other social media. I recall, shortly before I quit bothering with LJ on any kind of regular basis, something that would pull the day's tweets from your Twitter account, and post that on LJ as your post for the day. In our desire to have a meaningful existence online, we have decided to phone it in, and just pretend we are doing anything noteworthy.

Anyway..

Taken together, my LJ and DW-original posts tally to 2000 (1955 LJ and 45 DW, who'd'a thunk it?). This means I just am going to abandon the numbering completely. The idea was to keep up with how I was doing, but I also realized that people who might not see a filtered post would be able to easily figure out that they were cut from one. Besides, it's incorrigibly dull to dutifully number each post like lines on a sheet of notebook paper. You spend so much trying to make everything pretty, that you lose the thread of what you want to do.

In my case, I have become painfully disconnected from my creativity. I struggle daily to come up with ideas that I consider worth converting into some kind of story. I'm easily discouraged from pursuing ideas that I do have. Things just feel... too big. I'd like to dismiss it as a non-issue, but it's honestly gone on for too long. All I know to do is start typing something in here every night, if I can.



Today, though I just bought a plane ticket to go to New York, I spent almost $200 on the Kimagure Orange Road TV series complete box set. I feel horribly guilty about it, but I have a justification for it. You see, I've been watching the KOR TV DVDs on eBay for well over a year. Not only did I never find an English-language box set for sale, I never even saw individual DVDs for less than $20-25 each. That's $280-300 minimum for the series. To find it for only $15 a piece, and from a reputable seller (Goodwill) was surprising.

I still feel guilty, but this is my favorite series, I'm not avoiding paying bills to do this, and this is also something I did with Kevin. You see, back before Kickstarter, AnimEigo had to talk people into preordering the TV series to make it. I went in on the VHS set with Kevin. We technically each owned half of the series, though I think he left them at my house initially. After I fell on some hard times financially, I ceded complete ownership of the series to him. I always meant to get some blank VHS tapes to record a copy, but never got around to it.

Years later, AnimEigo released them on DVD, in what I can only imagine as their swan song from anime publishing, because they folded soon after finishing the DVD releases (in fact, I think I've read that they were trying to get them out before their license for KOR expired). I knew about the OVAs they released, but I never heard or thought about the TV series. So, for years, my OVAs have been sitting on my shelf, surrounded by other anime, but nothing else.

So, I will finally have everything released for KOR in a DVD format. It's something that I cannot deny that I've wanted for a long time, so I will just accept the monetary hit and count my blessings at finding it so cheaply. Next, I will start saving everything I can, for I like having money in savings, and giving my money to McDonald's and Wendy's for the convenience to eat the crap they sell is no longer as satisfying as it used to be.



Well, work comes early tomorrow, so I better call it a night.
tek2way: Art - Handful of Stars (Art - Handful of Stars)
Last night, I watched "Mirror, Mirror", the 2012 movie about Snow White that starred Julia Roberts. During the ending credits, I was immediately taken by the song "I Believe in Love", sung by Snow White's actress, Lily Collins.

I hopped on iTunes, downloaded it to my iPhone, and began to loop it. For nearly an hour, from around 3-430 or so, I danced willy-nilly around my apartment. I am grateful for the ground floor unit for that reason. I felt almost trance-like when I was singing along with the chorus in my head: "I believe, I believe, I believe..." Twelve times before it said "in love". Listening to that song, fresh from watching the movie with an actress whose costuming and appearance are so closely connected to what I want to find in a soulmate, I almost felt like I was chanting an affirmation to Freyja that I had not given up on finding that love.

This feeling was so strong, that I actually lit my candles and turned off my artificial lights, and continued to dance, flail, spin, lip sync, sway, and step in time to the song. I looped it so many times, I literally lost count. I had poured an offering of Innis & Gunn beer as an offering to Heimdall, to watch over the mother of a friend. Partway through the dancing, I got the mental nudge/urge to share my Angry Orchard Elderflower Cider with Freyja. Grabbing a margarita goblet, I filled it up and placed it on my Freyja altar. I then gave myself up completely to the music and moment for almost an hour.

I finally began to wind down, and snuffed the candles on my Freyja altar (in my living room), and retreated to my bedroom, where my main altar was still lit. After a few more repetitions, I snuffed those candles and went to sleep.

I had no moments of startling clarity or insight. I just felt like I was supposed to be up and dancing/moving, and I felt like I was supposed to share the cider with Her. Does that make my experience less sincere or valid? Was I assuming it was Freyja, when it might have been some other deity? I often get hung up on questions like this. I have a problem with worrying that my path is "proper" or "valid" or even "real".

After talking to Kendra last week, I feel much better about my path not being quite a perfect fit for the name I use for it: Asatru/Heathen. Yet, when I have these moments that don't seem to appear in any kind of documented lore, I worry that I'm "doing it wrong."

If I am not "doing it wrong" (and I honestly am willing to accept that I'm not, even as I have to adjust my mind to that belief), then what did last night mean? It was such a surreal experience. I went to bed physically worn out and content mentally, yet I never really got the sensation that I truly grasped what it was I was supposed to. I felt some kind of close connection, but my own self-doubt and fears and skepticism kept me from identifying it more closely.

Thanks for reading. I am trying something new with this post: I'm posting it to Facebook under my "Pagan Friendly" filter, so those who know me there can view it too, if they wish. I'm not fishing for answers. I just feel that I should be sharing this, and I hate Facebook notes.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Comics - Death)
[Unlocked, though comments are screened.]

The title of this post is, more accurately, "Things Rediscovered After You Forgot that You'd Lost Them at All."

"The other one...
The one at the end...

I think I fell in love with her, a little bit. Isn't that dumb?

But it was like I knew her.
Like she was my closest, dearest friend.
The kind of person you can tell anything to, no matter
how bad, and they'll still love you, because they know you.

I wanted to go with her. I wanted her to notice me.

And then she stopped walking.
Under the moon, she stopped, and she looked at us.
She looked at me.

Maybe she was trying to tell me something; I don't know.
She probably didn't even know I was there.

But I'll always love her. All my life."


-- Sandman #56 (World's End, Part 6), pp. 18-19

I know it sounds crazy, but these two pages changed me completely. The narrator was talking specifically about Death, walking at the end of a funeral procession. Neil Gaiman's words, combined with the image of Death that Gary Amaro drew, spoke to my soul. As surely as I am sitting here typing this post, I know that those words were written for me in particular.

Some of my friends say there is no such thing as coincidence. Normally, I disagree with this, because coincidence implies a lack of a plan, and a lack of a plan means that fate and destiny are just false concepts. Thus, my decisions are my own, and I am not bound to any particular path while living this life. It's a simple and elegant little farce I tell myself.

However, as I sit here, I find it almost impossible to believe that those words and images were meant for anyone BUT me. Every single word resounds within my soul with a clarity and honesty that causes my very soul to hum in harmony. Seeing the images that go with the words reinforces that feeling. Seeing Death that truly sad, and being unable to ease her suffering, causes my own heart to nearly break to the point of no return.

Part of my mind tells me that I'm just a little on the crazy side. It says, "there's some clinical explanation for why you're such a mess over a character created for a comic book." Of course there probably is some clinical explanation, I now think, because Man as a species is ill-prepared and ill-equipped to entertain -- for even a moment -- that the world is more than he thinks it is, or that what he experiences within his own mind are in any way real.

Yet, I realize several things, having reread "Worlds' End"* these past two nights. One, I began reading this around the same time I got into computers, so this love affair of mine is almost 20 years old, but that's anecdotal. Two, this story would have had its final issue in November 1993, thanks to the direct market. Three, that if I read this in 1993, that the poem I wrote about Death being my bride had to have happened very soon after I read this (within 4 months**). Four, my melancholia about the holidays always starts in November. That could also be anecdotal. Fifth, my feelings toward death (as a life act) are not nearly as dire as most people, as if I've come to terms with it in a very personal way.

Finally, the sixth thing I realize is that the first time I spent any time with my dream girl was shortly after Kevin began dating Brandi in early 1994, because it was Death who was my double date on that mysterious car trip to the lodge that I can, even now, only describe in unsatisfying terms, almost as if I remember exactly what I saw, until I try to tell another.

For the last 18 years, I've had a love affair with a girl who I've only seen in my dreams. She is everything that I want, everything that I desire, everything that lifts me up. With her, I am more than I allow myself to be during the day. With her, I can accomplish anything. With her, also, I am myself, unfiltered, uninhibited, unchained. Is it any wonder why I cannot find a girl in the waking world to match what I've found in my dreams? What, also, does it say about me, that Death's brother is Dream? After all, that is where I find her.

Parts of my mind begin to echo the same thoughts I listed earlier, but I think I've finally reached the point that it can't affect me anymore. It's not that I don't care, but rather that I have begun to understand that those thoughts (or even other people's opinions) aren't important in the grade scheme of things.

In a way, I have to be grateful to Jessica for helping me indirectly realize this. Until 2010, I was convinced that I had to find my love in the waking world. I was sure that there was someone for me, somewhere. So, I'd try and pine and hope and fail and cry. Jessica gave me a good deal more than I'd found up to that point. Things ultimately end for those of us in the material world, and my relationship with her was no different. However, I managed to learn that what I really wanted was something I'd found within, all those years ago.

I've had crushes since, and I cannot explain why they still ring with me. Could it be that parts of them speak to my dream self, and identify themselves as having elements of that one perfect dream girl I've known all these years? Could it be that my soul recognizes in them those parts that match that dream girl, and my soul yearns for that connection more than life itself? I find many women attractive, but the list of those who I am truly interested in is short, indeed.

Today, while I acknowledge that I'd be lying that I don't want some kind of relationship with a woman in the material world, I no longer crave it past the point of reason. However, I must also acknowledge that I hold every woman I meet up next to this dream girl. Thus, the sad reality is that my expectations and desires are irrationally high.

...For who could outshine a dream?


* - "Worlds' End", first published in Sandman #51-56, July to December 1993
** - I ultimately first quit school in April 1994, so my memory of letting a classmate read the poem would have had to come between November 1993 and April 1994.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Music - Beyond the Crimson Horizon)
Last week, I was a ball of energy where work was concerned. I feel like I actually began to accomplish things, and make folks realize I'm serious about the job. That said, between work and spending time with my friends, I let this journal go. *shrug* Better for me to be living life than writing about it, right?

The primary thing that I accomplished last week was that I managed to get my schedule pretty much done on Wednesday. That has always been the bane of my existence. :) Yet, when I went in for work on Thursday, I had -- at most -- a couple of tweaks to make to it. I halfway suspect that getting the schedule done set the tone for the rest of my week. Confidence returned, and it showed in my efficiency and interactions. I may generally be more confident now than I was even six months ago, but this was a shot in the arm to that.

Friday, I had a dream that left me pondering things I had been thinking about, and I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd Done Something™. Oh, I know it sounds silly, but I woke up with a feeling that it was no ordinary dream. Given the subject matter of my dream, though, I will refrain from posting it here. (Speculate all that you like, but I will not confirm, deny, or acknowledge any accusations.)

I didn't sleep well at all on Friday night. I don't know if it was because I was off on Saturday, or something more, but I had a hell of a time sleeping. I'd sleep for about an hour, then wake up and be up for 2-3 hours. Lather, rinse repeat.

I finally got up around 1030am, because I had been sweating enough that my pillowcase was wet. That was an unpleasant feeling. Well, [livejournal.com profile] strieson came over, and we discussed the possibility of doing another Pathfinder game. We tossed around ideas until about 545pm, when I had to leave to go to Bahama Breeze for a "department head outing". That is, where all the people in charge of my store went and had dinner. I wasn't interested, but you know how it is with corporate picnics, etc. You have to show up for at least a little bit. I wound up having some decent fun, but my head was seriously hurting by the time I left at 9pm.

I managed to get to bed by 11pm, but woke at 1am with a splitting headache. I took some Advil, and prayed I would get back to sleep soon, because I had to be at work at 5am to do payroll. The day went pretty smoothly, though I forgot to do the head count for this week's schedule, because I had to write some people up. I'll get that done tomorrow.

I'd go into more detail about today, but my head is beginning to hurt, and I suspect that I need sleep to get rid of this pain, so I will cut it short. I will say, though, that Game of Thrones gets better with every episode. Jon likes it so much, he calls it the "hour of epic" at my house. :)

I have so much more I still need to do, but I'm going to have to let it go for now. Sleep must take priority, even though I think I owe the golden-haired owner of Brisingamen a chat. Maybe she'll pull me aside while I sleep?
tek2way: Nature - Lightning Storm (Nature - Lightning Storm)
I'd begun working on a post about my evening, that even had a nice length to it, but inadvertently closed the window before I could post it or save it as a draft. (I was simply editing a catagory to put it into... that'll teach me. :( )

Long story short, I didn't sleep much last night, came home tired, went to bed early. I woke up around 8pm, talked to [personal profile] driver88junkie a bit, and wasted a couple of hours on Cracked.com. When I was ready to go to sleep, I found I was too hot, so I moved my fan, which lead from one thing to the next, until I had moved an end table in my living room to accomodate my hardy plant. It now as a perch by the window, instead of being on the floor. I also thought of a few other things I could do to redecorate my living room, without touching the things on the walls.

Now, I will go inside and likely get about 4 hours of sleep. I'll wish I had gotten more, and my day will hopefully start calmly enough, like Sundays generally do.

I might take a nap when I get home, because I am beginning to notice that I feel most creative when I first wake up. I don't know if that sounds strange or normal, and I don't care. :) I want desperately to get back to writing on a regular basis, and I want to write more than just blog posts that no one ever seems to read. Even if no one reads my prose or poetry, I feel a growing NEED to put my thoughts for stories and such into print on a screen, or on paper. This laptop facilitates my desire to do so, because I'm not bound at that bulky desk; currently, I'm outside, enjoying the decently temperate evening.

Well, I feel weariness finally creeping back into my bones, and my eyelids are asking me to shut them for a few hours, so I'm going to oblige them and hope that I dream something really wonderful.

This will also probably be the last non-religion post I do on this blog. I am going to stick to what I'd originally planned, and post my journey into paganism in this blog. My LJ will be for my day to day updates, my WordPress will eventually be where I post my thoughts about the writing process, as well as where I post some of the things I write. Of course, Twitter will be my usual day-to-day bitch session, and Facebook will just be there, because it's Facebook. :)

Good night, friends. :)
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Music - Dead Winter Dead)
I'd begun working on a post about my evening, that even had a nice length to it, but inadvertently closed the window before I could post it or save it as a draft. (I was simply editing a catagory to put it into... that'll teach me. :( )

Long story short, I didn't sleep much last night, came home tired, went to bed early. I woke up around 8pm, talked to [livejournal.com profile] driver88junkie a bit, and wasted a couple of hours on Cracked.com. When I was ready to go to sleep, I found I was too hot, so I moved my fan, which lead from one thing to the next, until I had moved an end table in my living room to accomodate my hardy plant. It now as a perch by the window, instead of being on the floor. I also thought of a few other things I could do to redecorate my living room, without touching the things on the walls.

Now, I will go inside and likely get about 4 hours of sleep. I'll wish I had gotten more, and my day will hopefully start calmly enough, like Sundays generally do.

I might take a nap when I get home, because I am beginning to notice that I feel most creative when I first wake up. I don't know if that sounds strange or normal, and I don't care. :) I want desperately to get back to writing on a regular basis, and I want to write more than just blog posts that no one ever seems to read. Even if no one reads my prose or poetry, I feel a growing NEED to put my thoughts for stories and such into print on a screen, or on paper. This laptop facilitates my desire to do so, because I'm not bound at that bulky desk; currently, I'm outside, enjoying the decently temperate evening.

Well, I feel weariness finally creeping back into my bones, and my eyelids are asking me to shut them for a few hours, so I'm going to oblige them and hope that I dream something really wonderful.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
If you get to know me well enough, eventually you'll hear about my desire to find someone with whom I can share my life. You'll hear how I'm looking for that one person who completes me, and makes me feel stronger than I ever did alone. Well, maybe not recently. "M" from New Jersey saw to that. You don't know who "M" is? That's a long tale all by itself..

It all began in October 2004. )The point of that long, rambling tale was that she made a snide comment about guys saying she "completed" them. It bugged me, because I realized that she was at least partly right. I need to be a complete person by myself, before I ever think of being part of something bigger than me. Ever since then, I've avoided allowing myself to think like that for any woman I've felt for (which has not been a terribly long list). It could even stand to reason that her words caused me to hide my feelings and hide FROM my feelings enough that it damaged what relationships I have tried.

I recognize that I need to work on me. It's vital for me to try, because I still believe -- deep down -- that there's someone out there for me. How can I know, though, when I get scared everytime I find myself getting close to someone? How can I find that other half that makes my own whole even more complete, if I can't be with someone without trying to find out why I don't need to be with her? It's a horrible vicious circle, and one that I guess I still have to work on.

I actually am generally happy alone, now. I don't have to be around someone to feel validated or worthwhile. Ironically, though, that independence has caused me to resent being involved with someone, because of the expectations that come from being involved with someone. So while I feel more okay with myself on one hand, with the other I'm pushing against the very thing that I claim to want to find.

It isn't that I think my standards are too high. I think that my standards have been set so high so I won't find anyone who fits them. I have even told msyelf that, because I didn't live up to my own standards for my dream woman, I didn't have to worry about finding anyone, because I wasn't ready. Yet, I still want that magical relationship. So, I relax on my standards, and I find someone I could be happy with, and yet, those standards come back and make me second guess how I feel and how comfortable I am with things after all. Perhaps I move too fast, subconsciously trying to "make up lost time", and when I realize how far I moved, I panic. I wish I knew.

The past year has taught me a lot about myself, and where my comfort zones are. I can honestly say that, even though I'm still more down on myself than I should be, I also feel more confident than ever, simply because I've met so many new people, who all seem to accept me for what they see, and no more. There are no hidden agendas (mostly), and I feel the love coming from folks. I'm closer to some of the people that I've met in the last year than I am to friends and family I've known for most of my life. Yet, that's not enough by itself. I still need to figure "me" out, and "me" is a broad picture.

I could list the things I want to change about myself, but I've learned that lists of things I need to work on just intimidate me into ignoring the list altogether. One could definitely say that I need to a ton of shadow work, and I wouldn't argue. For the time being, I'm going to lose the excess weight I've been carrying, because that's not what I want, regardless.

I just want to find that relationship sometime before I'm too old to enjoy it. I also worry that my soulmate was the girl I hung out for one evening when I was 16-17, when we met through some mutual friends. By the end of the night, I was in love. I wish I had asked for her number, because I never saw her again. It could be that I've built it up over the years, but I remember feeling like I was on cloud 9 when we dropped her off that night, and everyone noticed how we were clicking.

Live and learn, I guess. Does anyone know if one can have more than one true love in a life? Heh. I better believe it myself, or I am in trouble. :-/

Time for bed, because work will be coming early tomorrow...



1 - No, we never dated in name, but she told me she loved me, I sent her flowers and wrote her poetry. And, in the fallout of that night, I hurt like only someone who was in love could.

2 - I'd asked her out for Valentine's Day back in October, so it was a "date" trip. Yeah, a date trip with your little brother and a friend, both of whom were interested in her as well. Riiight.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
Lately, I've been giving serious thought to my role in life.

I'm single. I work at a grocery store, having dropped out of both high school (got G.E.D.) and college. It has been over 20 years since I was unquestioningly a Christian, and 9 years since I began to consider that perhaps Christianity isn't for me1. In fact, back in 2003, I decided that my "god" was simply going to be outer space. The planets, stars, and other phenomena out there enrapture my soul with their existence, and I've long considered paradise to simply be existing, without form, somewhere in our galaxy, just orbiting the galactic core with the stars. I have strained relations with my immediate family, and frequently feel closer to friends of mine than I do my own flesh and blood. I find reasons to shoot down everything I do, sometimes before I can even attempt them.

Now that you have a glimpse of what I feel being me is like, I come to the point of this post. When I was very young, I wanted to be an X-Wing pilot. At 10, I wanted to be an astronaut. When I was 12, I wanted to go to Narnia and play with the Pevensies. When I took French in my first year of junior high, I wanted to be a translator. By the time I was 15, I wanted to find a way to Krynn so that I could adventure with the Companions of the Lance. In high school, I briefly considered psychiatry. I wanted to be an advisor to King Belgarion and chat with Belgarath and Polgara from the Belgariad. Then it was something in the computer field, though I was leaning towards programming.

After I dropped out of high school, I found work at a grocery store. I figured it'd be a good place to start. I held onto my dream of computers, even trying my hand at college for them (I was far too undisciplined -- a trait that I still have, unfortunately). I continued to work at Kroger, and became full-time. I read Stardust when it came out, and wanted desperately to live in Wall or the Bazaar. I wanted Neverwhere to be real, so that I could live with the folks who lived in London below. I quit the computer phone support job I had and stuck with Kroger. I felt the heartbreaking pain of knowing what it must feel like to live forever without my soulmate, thanks to Philip Pullman's series.

Through it all, I've had a dream. One that I almost dare not mention, for fear that the winds of fate will rip even this from me...

...I want to be a published author. There, I've said it.

I have heard the saying about wanting it doesn't count, because you have to BE one. I frankly don't care. I think about the D&D campaigns I've run, and the one I enjoyed the most was the one in which I put a lot of effort into planning it, even going so far as to create an outline and knowing how the campaigns climatic moment would look. (I ended it before it got to that, which makes me very sad. No one knows what I had in store for my heroes.) I think about the times I've sat and composed poetry that no one but myself reads. I think about all the stories I've started and stopped (for lack of interest, or lack of belief in myself).

The way that the written word affects me, especially in a delightful piece of fiction, transcends age or hobbies. I want to hear that someone read something of mine, and was so into it that they read it over and over. I want to hear that something I wrote motivated someone to become more than they were prior.

Now, none of this will occur if I don't write. I can't exactly publish something if I don't write it, let alone if it's accepted by a publishing house. This is my biggest hurdle: reminding myself that writing is worth it, even if no one reads it, and that I must write lots that people won't read in order to get to the point that I'm writing something that has people hanging on my release schedule.

My second biggest hurdle, though nearly as large: my self-criticism. I am entirely too critical of everything I do, and will shoot down an idea as it's getting started. That I'm posting this on the Internet where someone can see it at all is a step forward. I've had it with that, too. If there's something in life that you want bad enough, you not only have to be prepared to fight for it; chances are that you WILL have to fight for it. I am sick and tired of bowing and scraping before the altar of my failure. It's time to dismantle that horrible thing, and just take that step.

It all ties into a personal saying of mine:

Nothing worthwhile is easy; nothing easy is appreciated.

I'm not entirely sure where I am going to begin. In the meantime, though, I will be posting more frequently on my journal. The posts may not always be so heavy, either. I may post something simple, shallow, and happy sometimes; something long and sad; or anywhere in between.

Now, it's late, and I must get things put away so that I can go to bed. I have work far too early in the morning.

1 - I am not downplaying it at ALL. In fact, I believe that it has a fantastic moral groundwork and that Jesus' lessons cross religious lines. My primary issue comes from what I perceive to be the "politics" behind the pulpit, but I digress...
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
I spent my day off today doing nothing but downloading songs from iTunes (that I already paid for -- iTunes now allows you to redownload things you've purchased), and watching movies. Wow, have I been watching movies today. Let's see. I started the day with "The Hangover", then watched "Problem Child". Next, I found "She's Out of My League". Finally, I gave in and ordered "Rango" via OnDemand. All were great, and I am thoroughly glad I had the chance to watch "Rango", and it was a darned hoot of a good time (the Spirit of the West scene alone was killer).

The movie that had me thinking was "She's Out of My League". Those of you who know me well enough, know how I tend to view myself in general. I definitely identified with Kirk, a 20-something who had never gone to college, felt stuck at his dead-end job, was unlucky in love, and felt like he would never accomplish his dreams. I'll point out that Alice Eve, who played Molly1, is also beautiful, and the character was very likable, so it was really easy to feel the movie (as a result, that is a movie that I am going to pick up on DVD/Blu-Ray sooner or later -- one of the first movies to pass the "is it good enough to BUY?" litmus test I came up with a year or two ago... but I digress).

Click for the rest of my wake-up call )

Well, that's most of what's running through my head right now. It's a jumble, and I'm sure there's something that I missed, but I decided that it was past time to share. Who knows? Maybe someone I know out there will have advice or say something I need to hear..


1 -- Why is it that the name "Molly" makes my blood move just a bit faster?

2 -- Bringing up that reality would mean they'd argue and possibly break up -- or actually live happily ever after -- is another post altogether.

3 -- I don't believe in multiple orders from one car in a drive-thru. It's discourteous.
tek2way: Nature - Daylit Clouds (Nature - Daylit Clouds)
It has been a while since I last posted here. Additionally, those posts are gone, scattered to the four winds of time and space. In my naivety, I believed that no one was actually watching here, and consequently suffered for it. I *KNOW* better than to post things on the Internet and expect them to stay hush hush. I have learned, and am moving on. I'll speak no more about it.



I spent my day off today doing nothing but downloading songs from iTunes (that I already paid for -- iTunes now allows you to redownload things you've purchased), and watching movies. Wow, have I been watching movies todady. Let's see. I started the day with "The Hangover", then watched "Problem Child". Next, I found "She's Out of My League". Finally, I gave in and ordered "Rango" via OnDemand. All were great, and I am thoroughly glad I had the chance to watch "Rango", and it was a darned hoot of a good time (the Spirit of the West scene alone was killer).

The movie that had me thinking was "She's Out of My League". Those of you who know me well enough, know how I tend to view myself in general. I definitely identified with Kirk, a 20-something who had never gone to college, felt stuck at his dead-end job, was unlucky in love, and felt like he would never accomplish his dreams. I'll point out that Alice Eve, who played Molly1, is also beautiful, and the character was very likable, so it was really easy to feel the movie (as a result, that is a movie that I am going to pick up on DVD/Blu-Ray sooner or later -- one of the first movies to pass the "is it good enough to BUY?" litmus test I came up with a year or two ago... but I digress).

Click for the rest of my wake-up call )

Well, that's most of what's running through my head right now. It's a jumble, and I'm sure there's something that I missed, but I decided that it was past time to share. Who knows? Maybe someone I know out there will have advice or say something I need to hear..


1 -- Why is it that the name "Molly" makes my blood move just a bit faster?

2 -- Bringing up that reality would mean they'd argue and possibly break up -- or actually live happily ever after -- is another post altogether.

3 -- I don't believe in multiple orders from one car in a drive-thru. It's discourteous.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Me - In Real Life 2010)
It's late, and I've done all I intend to online tonight. Now, I'm gonna go play on the Sandman's beaches and learn from the waves of memory, seas of dream, and sandcastles of hope. May the weather be fair; however, even if it isn't, may I wake wiser nonetheless.

Everyone, may you dream your heart's desire, and wake to a world that's better than it was today.
◾ Tags:
tek2way: Spirituality - Nine Noble Virtues (Spirituality - Nine Noble Virtues)
It's late, and I've done all I intend to online tonight. Now, I'm gonna go play on the Sandman's beaches and learn from the waves of memory, seas of dream, and sandcastles of hope. May the weather be fair; however, even if it isn't, may I wake wiser nonetheless.

Everyone, may you dream your heart's desire, and wake to a world that's better than it was today.
◾ Tags:
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
I can't really explain it. Lemme see if I can remember the elements that I CAN recall. These are not necessarily in chronological order.

  • A Lady (note the title) was giving birth in a tower. I was associated somehow, but neither as father or child. I was protecting the place, but was a little on the scatterbrained side (I found myself OUTSIDE the tower window, on a ledge, watching the land around me).

  • I had a cloak that almost had a life of its own. Think Spawn cape meets the class of the Bela Lugosi Dracula cape. Interestingly, it was mentioned in the dream that the cape had been sold to someone [I felt it was a powerful magic-user, and he felt sinister, but not quite wholly evil], and that I was just borrowing it.

  • Wolves were stalking all around the farm where we were (the keep tower rose from the farmhouse, and was simultaneously super high off the ground, and only about a short 3rd story). At one point, I stepped outside, knowing that they were near, and I stood my ground, watching for them. Occasionally, I got glimpses of eyes in the distance, but they never dared approach me while I was watching.

  • The Lord had a seat in the room where the Lady was giving birth, and he said something to me, but it was neither something that someone really close to me would say, nor something someone who hated me would say. Instructions, I think.

  • It feels like a sword came up at one point, but I cannot remember if I held it or if it was just nearby.

  • The wolves were werewolves, but in wolf form. They didn't like something going on at the keep/farm (the birth?).

  • My power was such that I knew they were frightened of me, and yet it also had me unhinged just enough that people were not sure what to make of me.

  • I glimpsed the figure to whom the cloak belonged, and felt honored that I was wearing it, a little bothered that I was wearing it, and I hoped that he wouldn't ask it back of me anytime soon.









So there ya have it. The elements have me completely freakin' confused. Maybe one of my friends online can make sense of it.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Me - In Real Life 2010)
It has been nearly 10 months since I last used my LJ for anything other than seeing the daily LOLcats (and that's because a lot of you don't post on here anymore, either!). I've migrated pretty fully to Facebook and Twitter. Twitter's more fun, perhaps because I have to figure out what I want to say in 140 characters or less. At this point, Facebook just copies what I tweet.

At any rate, I found a link on Facebook to LJ, and wound up browsing through various user info pages, adding folks. If I just added you, then you should at least be familiar with me. The new default user pic -- which I use on Facebook, Twitter, and the Summerland Grove site -- is recent enough that you should be able to match it to me. I know a lot of you from SG anyway.

The past almost-10 months have been.. different. I courted Christianity again, dated a devout Christian (the former admittedly DID halfway occur due to the latter), wound up giving up my D&D game on Sundays forever (I never have Sunday afternoons off anymore), met a great group of people in what I am apt to call the core membership of Summerland Grove, began smoking pipes for fun, became a pagan in name (I suspect I've always been one in spirit, whether I knew it or not), decided on a spiritual path (Asatru), began dating a wonderful woman, and have grown to despise my job at Kroger so much that I almost went to a job fair (my resume was... well, completely unmade and not gonna be ready in time, plus I got called on to help my girlfriend, which I had no hesitation doing).

Of course, outing myself on my LJ as a pagan could be considered... unwise? foolhardy? I dunno. Anyone with half a brain who has watched my Twitter feed/Facebook posts will have picked up on it long ago, though I deliberately don't come right out and say it, because I live in Memphis, TN, where you're accepted for who you are...

...that is, if you're a monogamous heterosexual Conservative Christian who is intolerant of others' lifestyles and points of view. (I still classify as heterosexual, though that's the only part of that statement that still applies to me.) I have far too many Christian friends on Facebook who I suspect will try to help me "see the error of my ways", so I am mum on the subject there, but I realize I don't give a flying fuck outside of being harassed about it on Facebook. I keep quiet at work as well, just because things already are a cluster fuck there, without adding "OMG IT'S A PAGAN!!!11" to the list. I've not dedicated to a specific god, which admittedly bothers me quite a bit (to the point that I can get downright moody/depressed about it), but I'm reading everything I can get my hands on that I think will help me understand my choice of path more clearly. (I'm currently reading "Our Troth, Vol. 1", and Tyr *STILL* looks like a reasonable choice, though he no longer feels like a perfect fit.)

About two weeks ago, I went to Festival of Souls. I'd never been, and even though I had to work two days and missed the workshops, I had a lot of fun. I made a point to attend the rituals, and was.. well, "blown away" is appropriate, if a little cliched. My brother, Ricky ([livejournal.com profile] titus_the_mage, though he's never used it), went as well, and surprised me. He'd always referred to himself as an agnostic, or as he put it, a "chicken shit atheist", but apparently *REALLY* took to the pagan point of view. I'm still processing that he has come to that realization, though I'm glad to have a longtime close personal friend with me in this new life.

While I enjoyed every ritual, I was absolutely thunderstruck by the candlelight labyrinth held after the ancestor ritual on Friday night. The solemnity covering the field, where the candles were laid out in concentric circles that slowly led to the center, was absolute. I didn't hear any voices (consciously), nor did I have any brilliant immediately-life-changing flashes of inspiration (again, consciously), but when I had gotten out of it, I felt different. Two weeks later, I wish I had the labyrinth still up to walk again, like I have a new appreciation for it, and if I could just walk it again, even more would become clear to me.

On the D&D/RPG front, I eventually had to drop [livejournal.com profile] lordreaibn's 4e D&D game, because work began jumping around on Sundays for me (I don't get to do payroll like I used to, though no hard feelings for the new clerk). I briefly attempted to get a game going involving [livejournal.com profile] nyminal, [livejournal.com profile] strieson, [livejournal.com profile] mfsfreak, and [livejournal.com profile] disker and his wife, but that fell through due to lack of motivation on my part. I just no longer "feel it" where D&D is concerned. I am far more likely to wax nostalgic over my old 2e games, and how engrossing they were back then. Perhaps, when my schedule settles down some, or I change jobs, I can start a game again with some folks, perhaps even including [livejournal.com profile] lordreaibn, [livejournal.com profile] tannenwynn, [livejournal.com profile] marius_98, or [livejournal.com profile] lostgamers. I have access to a larger pool of folks, and if I mix and match 'em a bit so I'm not stuck with the same collection of people I have played with for the last ten years, things might get interesting. (I have *NO* problem with my old D&D group, but the reality is that lack of fresh blood caused things to get stale, and we all know it.)

Well, that's my life this year so far. It's an oversimplification, and you'll notice I didn't post about work. I'm on vacation for at least two more days, so I refuse to acknowledge it until then. :) Welcome to all the new people. I hope that you add me back. I want to get to know each of you better than I have so far.

Oh yeah, I also, at the urging of my girlfriend, am going to begin writing again daily, even if it's just in here. I am one of the worst procrastinators you'll ever meet, but I want this. I miss writing something down, reading it, and going "holy crap, this is GOOD."

P.S. Holy crap. I've had this account for over 8 years now. I feel damned old suddenly. :)
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Music - Transcendence)
With the advent of Facebook, I've found fewer and fewer reasons to come back to LJ. It's not that I dislike LiveJournal, but a 500 character quickie update several times a day is easier to get done than a single post, which for me is usually long enough that folks skip past it anyway. That said, I love typing journal entries, so I have no real excuse for not updating at least a little more often. I have to make the time. (Side note: This is another chance for those on my friends list to add me to their Facebook, if they'd like: Anthony Adkins, in Memphis, TN.)

Sadly, the purpose of this post is not going to be very long, because it's a dream I had last night that is already fading. Even though I've not seen the movie, what I experienced in my dreams last night could best be described as "2012 comes to the World of Warcraft comes to real life". Basically, I was me and those I knew -- for the most part -- were those I knew. Oh, you had mages and a few things like that running around, and I seem to remember that even I could cast spells, but it was real life. I watched dozens and dozens of cars drive down an empty highway, all headed away from the city they'd been in. However, I saw wraith-like apparitions floating around a very Blood Elf-like collection of buildings.

I remember that the group (2.. 3 others?) I was with were looking for supplies. I think I wasn't level cap either, because I wanted to find the trainer's old books for the stuff I didn't know yet. I did sneak to the third floor of one of the blood elf buildings, looking for old quest rewards stockpiled in a small room. The quest rewards were... not quite food, but weren't weapons or armor either. I guess it was just Vital Stuff™. :) At one point, I almost got into a fight, because a monster's nameplate showed up in my field of view (for those WoW players reading, I tend to play with enemy nameplates enabled -- hit "V" on your keyboard by default. Yeah, that red bar with the name just above it when you're less than 30 or so yards away). I tried to fight it, but like in WoW, when the monster is behind a wall or such, you can't actually hit it.

Right before I woke up, I had snuck to a weapon shop to find something I could fight with, and I didn't like how their katanas, wakizashis, or tantos were made, and was learning about a musical instrument I'd picked up (which doesn't match a REAL musical instrument at all).

Anyway, it was a very surreal dream, because of exactly what it was, and I had to share a little bit that happened. What a way to start my week of vacation! :)
◾ Tags:

Profile

tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
tek2way

July 2017

S M T W T F S
      1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031     

Most Popular Tags