tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
Today, I attended Summerland Grove's July church meeting, which was the third anniversary of the first time I attended the pagan church. Sadly, I was tired enough that I didn't think about that detail while I was there, but it's noteworthy nonetheless.

The topic for today's discussion was "patron deities". We didn't discuss much, but there was enough discussion that I heard the idea repeated that a patron deity is like a parent figure.

...parent figure?

I was a little too self-conscious to ask the question in the group, but "is that it?" Can that be the only possibility? A great deal of why I feel so much more solidly on my path this time was that I accepted that Freyja was my patron, but I also know that I don't look at her as a parental figure.

For twenty years now, I've dreamed of a beautiful girl. Months, and sometimes years, would go by without an appearance by her, but when she appeared, I always knew it was her. The first time, I went to a lodge that felt like it was someplace very important. Another time, I stepped into a room similar to a newpaper editor's office, and the dream went on without me while I spent time talking to my dream girl. Sporadically, I have been in a love affair with a woman unlike any I've ever met waking.

Well, the hypothesis that my dream girl is Freyja rings true in my head, and I embrace the idea wholeheartedly. Yet, how can she be a parent figure *and* my dream girl?

This conflict is seriously bugging me, and scares me a little bit. Am I investing too much into Freyja, because she isn't for me as a patron, or have I drastically misunderstood the nature of our relationship? The idea that my dream girl is just a fantasy upsets me every time I consider it. If Freyja isn't my dream girl, then who is?
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Comics - Death)
[Unlocked, though comments are screened.]

The title of this post is, more accurately, "Things Rediscovered After You Forgot that You'd Lost Them at All."

"The other one...
The one at the end...

I think I fell in love with her, a little bit. Isn't that dumb?

But it was like I knew her.
Like she was my closest, dearest friend.
The kind of person you can tell anything to, no matter
how bad, and they'll still love you, because they know you.

I wanted to go with her. I wanted her to notice me.

And then she stopped walking.
Under the moon, she stopped, and she looked at us.
She looked at me.

Maybe she was trying to tell me something; I don't know.
She probably didn't even know I was there.

But I'll always love her. All my life."

-- Sandman #56 (World's End, Part 6), pp. 18-19

I know it sounds crazy, but these two pages changed me completely. The narrator was talking specifically about Death, walking at the end of a funeral procession. Neil Gaiman's words, combined with the image of Death that Gary Amaro drew, spoke to my soul. As surely as I am sitting here typing this post, I know that those words were written for me in particular.

Some of my friends say there is no such thing as coincidence. Normally, I disagree with this, because coincidence implies a lack of a plan, and a lack of a plan means that fate and destiny are just false concepts. Thus, my decisions are my own, and I am not bound to any particular path while living this life. It's a simple and elegant little farce I tell myself.

However, as I sit here, I find it almost impossible to believe that those words and images were meant for anyone BUT me. Every single word resounds within my soul with a clarity and honesty that causes my very soul to hum in harmony. Seeing the images that go with the words reinforces that feeling. Seeing Death that truly sad, and being unable to ease her suffering, causes my own heart to nearly break to the point of no return.

Part of my mind tells me that I'm just a little on the crazy side. It says, "there's some clinical explanation for why you're such a mess over a character created for a comic book." Of course there probably is some clinical explanation, I now think, because Man as a species is ill-prepared and ill-equipped to entertain -- for even a moment -- that the world is more than he thinks it is, or that what he experiences within his own mind are in any way real.

Yet, I realize several things, having reread "Worlds' End"* these past two nights. One, I began reading this around the same time I got into computers, so this love affair of mine is almost 20 years old, but that's anecdotal. Two, this story would have had its final issue in November 1993, thanks to the direct market. Three, that if I read this in 1993, that the poem I wrote about Death being my bride had to have happened very soon after I read this (within 4 months**). Four, my melancholia about the holidays always starts in November. That could also be anecdotal. Fifth, my feelings toward death (as a life act) are not nearly as dire as most people, as if I've come to terms with it in a very personal way.

Finally, the sixth thing I realize is that the first time I spent any time with my dream girl was shortly after Kevin began dating Brandi in early 1994, because it was Death who was my double date on that mysterious car trip to the lodge that I can, even now, only describe in unsatisfying terms, almost as if I remember exactly what I saw, until I try to tell another.

For the last 18 years, I've had a love affair with a girl who I've only seen in my dreams. She is everything that I want, everything that I desire, everything that lifts me up. With her, I am more than I allow myself to be during the day. With her, I can accomplish anything. With her, also, I am myself, unfiltered, uninhibited, unchained. Is it any wonder why I cannot find a girl in the waking world to match what I've found in my dreams? What, also, does it say about me, that Death's brother is Dream? After all, that is where I find her.

Parts of my mind begin to echo the same thoughts I listed earlier, but I think I've finally reached the point that it can't affect me anymore. It's not that I don't care, but rather that I have begun to understand that those thoughts (or even other people's opinions) aren't important in the grade scheme of things.

In a way, I have to be grateful to Jessica for helping me indirectly realize this. Until 2010, I was convinced that I had to find my love in the waking world. I was sure that there was someone for me, somewhere. So, I'd try and pine and hope and fail and cry. Jessica gave me a good deal more than I'd found up to that point. Things ultimately end for those of us in the material world, and my relationship with her was no different. However, I managed to learn that what I really wanted was something I'd found within, all those years ago.

I've had crushes since, and I cannot explain why they still ring with me. Could it be that parts of them speak to my dream self, and identify themselves as having elements of that one perfect dream girl I've known all these years? Could it be that my soul recognizes in them those parts that match that dream girl, and my soul yearns for that connection more than life itself? I find many women attractive, but the list of those who I am truly interested in is short, indeed.

Today, while I acknowledge that I'd be lying that I don't want some kind of relationship with a woman in the material world, I no longer crave it past the point of reason. However, I must also acknowledge that I hold every woman I meet up next to this dream girl. Thus, the sad reality is that my expectations and desires are irrationally high.

...For who could outshine a dream?

* - "Worlds' End", first published in Sandman #51-56, July to December 1993
** - I ultimately first quit school in April 1994, so my memory of letting a classmate read the poem would have had to come between November 1993 and April 1994.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Anime - Chibi Kenshin)
One thing that I've always wondered about is how I can seemingly turn off my attraction to someone. I wonder if it's a stress-induced reaction to my constant worry over the what ifs I was talking about last night. I only bring this up because I found myself not as enthusiastic about the whole thing as I have been (yet, while I was fixing my car's door handle today, the thought that was going through my head was "my car's one step closer to being a decent car to drive a date around in"). What if I took a day to NOT think about her at all, or limit it as much as possible? I just have a feeling that this is some sort of "distancing/protection" mechanic that my brain cooks up to make it easier to not be attached to someone, and not feel hurt if/when I don't wind up dating the person.

Well, enough of that for the night. Time for bed.
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Default)
As I sit here, thinking about how horrible my thoughts got last night (up to and including, "not even remotely good enough"), I realize that I'm seriously over analyzing the whole situation. I have trouble NOT dwelling on relationships and where they may head, but I'm doing myself no good whatsoever. What exactly is the point of running through the what ifs, if I don't even bother with it? To prevent myself from making a fool of myself? What fool? People ask other folks out all the time, and are rejected all the time, and it doesn't bother them enough to whine and cry about it. They shrug, pick up and move on.

I suppose a little mental role-play on how it could go can help you plan what you'd like to say, and what to expect, but to call it off before you've begun, because your mental exercises shot you down? That's like saying "I'd like to go to the store and get groceries, but I might get into a collision on the way, so it's better to stay home and go hungry. At least then I won't have an accident."

It would also help if I kicked myself in the ass and reminded myself that NO ONE is perfect. I'm not. She's not. No one is. That's actually kind of a given. I've even seen in-your-face proof that just because I like a woman is no guarantee that she's perfect (see my entries from January 2005 regarding "M"). She may be pretty and seem smart and kind, and there's no telling how we'd get along, BUT THAT'S NO REASON TO GIVE UP BEFORE EVEN TRYING.

Sheesh, why can't I have this kind of confidence when I'm working, and she's there?

This does lead me to a real decision. One that I genuinely want to follow through with: 2010 New Year's Resolutions. Everyone does it, no one sticks, and blah blah blah. All I know is that I prefer for things to begin cleanly, at the proper start of things or similar. January 1 is about as "at the beginning" as I can manage. I'm keeping them simple and broad, because otherwise I'll fail horribly, and become disheartened.

1. Ride my bicycle on a regular basis, preferably at least 2x a week, if not 3-4x.
2. Go to bed, and get up, at a regular time, even when I'm off, to ensure I get enough sleep.
3. Ignore Charles' food intake, and focus on mine. Adjust it to be healthier, and pass on Charles' dinner plans if they're not in line with my healthier food choices.
3a. Allow myself one night a week to just enjoy what-the-hell-ever I want, allowing for reasonable portions regardless.
3b. Invite Charles and Alicia to dinner if I've made enough, because I rarely follow through with my leftovers.
4. Get my financial situation corrected, and begin making plans on moving out in the next year or two.
5. Get my car in working order, starting with my freakin' driver's side door handle.
6. Quit worrying over what ifs, and just start asking folks. I'll never meet my soulmate if I never look.

That seems like a good place to start, especially since I was originally just going to post about the mystery lady. :)
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Anime - Chibi Kenshin)

I'm off today, and here I am, awake at 430am, like a normal work day. I suspect that it's because I made a point to go to bed normally last night (though I think I was a LITTLE behind). I got to bed between 11 and 1130, but because I slept nearly 8 hours night before last, I feel great right now, and rested. Nifty.

I remember dreaming last night, but I cannot remember what it was now. I vaguely remember my dream girl, but that could just be my mind, since she was definitely in my dreams on Saturday night. (I just remember that she was sitting in my lap, kissing me briefly on the lips, saying why we should be an item between kisses...and then my alarm went off.) Oh well, last night can't be terribly important, dream-wise, if I can't remember it. At least, that's what I'm going to tell myself, because thinking that my dream girl was around again does nothing but depress me.

(For those who don't know, my dream girl doesn't look specifically like anyone. Instead, what I notice is the way she makes me feel when she's around. She's been blonde and a raven-haired brunette, and perhaps even a redhead. Yet, I could never completely describe her face once I wake up. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I ever found her in real life. Oh yeah, I do. I'd marry the woman, or die trying.)

So, as I said at the top of the post, I'm off today. I'm SOMEWHAT unsure what I am going to do today, though I know I need to do laundry. I've given some thought to playing some WoW while it's still early, and then hitting some of my chores today. At some point, though, I'm gonna sit down and work more on my unofficial (as in I didn't sign up) NaNoWriMo dealie. I worked on the prologue yesterday after remembering it was November, and have 582 words now. Not a lot, but if I can maintain something close to that pace, it'll be more than 16000 words by month's end. I've just got to remember that it's less about editing what I've done, than just raw output. I can edit later. :)

Well, I might as well get some WoW in while the kids (around the world, that play) are asleep or getting ready to go to school. Have a good day, folks! :)
tek2way: Anime - Valkyrie (Comics - Death's Eye of Horus)
I work tonight at midnight, so around 8pm, I laid down for a short nap before work.

My dreams were disturbing. They got monster movie creepy after a while, but one thing stuck out in my mind. In one part, I was dating my dream girl again (the one I've described that I only find in my dreams), and we were supposed to go somewhere to visit someone. I think we were living together, and I think we were going to see my folks, but I can't be sure. I only remember that I wound up at work, and she was at a friend's until I got off. Only, when I got there, I couldn't find her, because the friend's place she was staying at was some kind of club. When we were trying to get out of there is when things took a turn for the horror movie, and I lost sight of her (I only know that she was safe).

...I really hate waking up after these dreams. It tears me up on the inside. As morbid as it is to say, I'd almost rather not wake up.

Well, I have work tonight from 12a-8a. Ya gotta love doing payroll on Sundays.
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